


Renovation

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Best Friends, Denial, Dysfunctional Family, Family Drama, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Heartache, Loss, M/M, Moving, Past Child Abuse, Secrets, Smut, Starting Over, Unexpected Visitors, letting go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-09-23 06:54:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 138,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9645287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: When nerdy college professor Cas Novak inherited his aunt's house and decided to have it renovated, he didn't realized that it wasn't just his home that would be turned upside down by the arrogant and charming construction foreman. Dean Winchester had moved across the country to live quietly and anonymously. He had no idea that the biggest job he took on would change his life in ways that he never expected.





	1. Renovation

Dean tapped his fingers impatiently on his steering wheel to the beat of the classic rock. He looked at his phone again and rolled his eyes. His 4:00 was running late. He scrolled through his contacts list and just as he went to hit ‘call’ on the office number, he saw the nondescript mid 2000’s sedan pull into the driveway. With a deep sigh he grabbed the paperwork and clipboard and got out of his truck.

“Mr. Novak?” 

The man in the rumpled suit looked up from where he was reaching for his briefcase, his eyes confused. “Yes, I’m Mr. Novak.”

“I’m Dean. Dean Winchester. I’m here for the walk through?”

“Oh, from the construction company. I forgot that was today. I am so sorry. Class ran late and...well you probably don’t care. If it’s too late I can call and reschedule.”

“I’m already here, we might as well get this taken care of.” Dean tried to keep the annoyance out of his voice. If this wasn’t such a big job, he would have already left. He followed Mr. Novak to the front door of the large home and waited while he fumbled with his keys. “Beautiful house. Turn of the century Colonial Revival. Are you looking to keep it historically accurate?”

Mr. Novak finally slid the key in the lock and pushed the door open, letting Dean past him into the foyer. “For the most part. Technically I could get it registered with the historical society, but since it’s my home and not a museum, I’m looking for a few updates. Sorry, I recently inherited it and just kind of jumped into this renovation process. What do you need me to show you?”

“I just need to look at the basics before we can get someone out here to do a full inspection. Really just a quick look at the foundation, plumbing and electrical, spot check for any type of water damage, that type of thing.”

“Okay um, where do you want to start?”

“Is there a basement?”

“There’s a cellar. Let me just set my things down and we can get to it through the kitchen.”

Dean just nodded and looked around at the dusty old house. If they were able to pass the inspection and take the job, this was going to be a big renovation. He followed Mr. Novak through the large sitting room towards the kitchen at the back of the house.

\-------------------------

“Well, Mr. Novak,” Dean finished writing notes before he looked up, “everything looks good. Just call the office and schedule a full inspection. If all goes well then I can have a crew out here as early as a week after that.”

“That quickly?”

“Well, it’s a big house and needs quite a bit of work. I push my guys to do their job well and not cut corners to save time. It’s going to be pretty labor intensive so we’re going to want to get started as soon as possible. I’m guessing that you plan to live in the house while you’re renovating?”

“If that’s not a problem.”

“Not if you don’t mind sweaty construction workers here for ten hours a day,” Dean finally smiled.

“I’m usually at school...I’m a professor, not a student.”

Dean chuckled, “I can’t imagine a starving student taking on something like this.”

“Being a professor isn’t much better. It’s not quite as glamorous as you’d think,” Mr. Novak smiled back.

“Okay, well thanks for your time, Mr. Novak…”

“You can call me Cas.”

Dean reached out his hand, “Okay, well then thanks for your time, Cas. Give our office a call and get that inspection set up and I have a feeling that I’ll be seeing you soon. Have a good night.”

“Uh thanks, you too.” Cas wrapped his hand around Dean’s and they shook firmly. He smiled when Dean nodded and watched him walk back to his truck before he shut the door.

\-------------------------

Dean sighed as he got in his work truck and set the clipboard and paperwork on the passenger seat. It was a big house and a big job. The homeowner seemed like a nice enough guy, but he hadn’t met with the architect yet and really had no idea what this was going to entail. He still had to get back to the office and drop the paperwork off before he could head home. His 1,200 sq ft bungalow was going to feel like cramped quarters after walking around that monster of a house. He started the engine and turned up the volume before he pulled away from the curb.

\-------------------------

“So the Novak house passed inspection.”

Dean looked up from a material lists that he’d been sorting through. “Okay, so I’m guessing we meet with the architect?”

“The homeowner is the architect.”

Dean gave his boss a puzzled look, “The guy I met is a nerdy college professor.”

“Who is also a licensed architect.”

“Okay,” Dean nodded, “that’s kind of impressive. So we'll meet with him and go over the plans?”

“Yeah. He’s coming by this afternoon. Make sure you’re on your best behavior, we’re not remodeling a bathroom to make the wife happy. This is a full renovation.”

“I’m always on my best behavior,” Dean grinned. 

“This guy will be spending triple digits. If he wants you to paint his fucking dining room hot pink, you’ll do it.”

“He doesn’t seem like the hot pink type, but okay. I get it.”

\-------------------------

Dean looked over the blueprints laid out on the table in front of him. “I can have a crew out there on Monday to get started on the exterior. If you want to stay historically accurate, we’ll have to special order some new windows. If you want to stay warm, I suggest double pane. There’s some work that needs to be done on the roof and a few spots where we need to replace the siding. Other than that, it’s just cosmetic. I’m guessing a few weeks before we can get inside.”

“That sounds fine. Do I need to be there to sign anything? Or…”

“Nope. You can sign the paperwork today and we’ll be there around 9:00 to get started.” Dean watched Cas sign the paperwork giving him permission, as the foreman, to be on his property renovating his home. Again, they shook hands and this time it was Dean who watched him as he walked away. Dean knew how he was going to be spending the next few months.

\-------------------------

It may be New England, but it still got hot when Dean walked around all day in the sun, answering questions and reminding his crew to make sure they put the scrap on tarps to be hauled away. He saw Cas Novak a few times, either coming or going, always disheveled and frazzled. He was looking down at his clipboard going over the order from the glass company when he saw the shadow out of the corner of his eye. He hoped that his sigh wasn’t audible. Granted, Cas looked a hell of a lot better in jeans and a t-shirt, but Dean had a strong distaste for people who wore band t-shirts just because they seemed fashionable or edgy. “I see you went with the double pane. Good choice, they should be here tomorrow morning so we should be able to get all of them done by end of business the day after. Nice shirt by the way.” He knew that he was an asshole for saying it, but sometimes he couldn’t stop himself.

“Thanks. I picked it up at their reunion show last year. Drove all of the way to Jersey and paid $40 for this damn shirt. It was a little hard to watch, Ozzy has definitely lost a step since the first time I saw him in ‘93.”

Dean lifted his head and looked at Cas, “You went to the reunion show? I caught it in Kansas City. He may have lost a step, but Black Sabbath is still Black Sabbath,” he smiled.

“I’m not going to argue that. I’m starting to feel old. All of the bands I loved as a teenager are playing on the classic rock stations now.”

“I feel your pain, man. I can’t get into any of this new shit. I think I probably wrapped my stereo and vinyl with more bubble wrap than any of my other things when I moved here.”

“Vinyl? You still have vinyl? I had to sneak those into my house growing up. I can’t remember how many times my mom found my stash and threw them away. It was like hiding a drug habit or something. I learned pretty quickly that cassettes are a hell of a lot easier to stash.”

“I had both. I still do. The vinyl is lined up on a shelf with pride. I actually found a pretty decent record store a few towns over.”

“Everything around here is a few towns over,” Cas laughed. “Supposedly that’s part of the charm in these small towns. But I’ll have to get the name and address from you. So,” Cas pointed at the house, “have you been doing this for awhile?”

“Construction? Off and on since high school.”

“I meant renovation. When you showed up for your initial inspection you noticed that it’s a turn of the century Colonial Revival. I didn’t mention that to your boss. You must have done a lot of these.”

“Actually, I’ve been out here for less than a year, and there aren’t a whole lot of Colonial Revivals in Kansas. I just love old houses, old cars, old music,” Dean grinned. “Out of curiousity, and you can tell me if I’m overstepping. Technically, I do work for you. If you’re a licensed architect, why the whole professor gig? I’m not really current on the income levels for professors vs. architects but I’m guessing they don’t exactly equal out.”

“No, they don’t.” Cas chuckled. “Especially when you teach at a small private college. Being a licensed architect doesn’t necessarily mean that you are a good architect. And you know what they say...those who can’t do, teach. So, I teach.”

“I saw the blueprints, they’re pretty impressive.”

“It’s different when it’s your own house, you have no deadline, and you already know that your client is an asshole.”

Dean couldn’t help but laugh. Cas Novak was not what he expected. “Well, I think you’re a hell of an architect. Good enough to keep my crew busy for awhile. You’ve got some pretty detailed shit in there. Living here while we work is really going to suck when we move inside. It gets dusty and loud. I try to tell these guys to watch their mouths, but they don’t listen to a single word I say.”

“I don’t mind. I have a couple of afternoons off during the week, but it’s easy enough to make myself scarce. Speaking of, I need to go take care of a few things. Do you guys need anything? I feel like I should be filling up a beer cooler or something.”

“Now that would be nice, but also against the rules. We’re good. I just hose the guys down when they look dehydrated,” Dean grinned.

Cas smiled back and patted Dean on the shoulder before he walked back towards the house.

\-------------------------

The roof was finished and the windows were in. They had some siding to replace before he brought in the woodworkers for the cosmetic work and then a paint crew. It was Friday, so he’d let his guys go home early while he walked around the yard picking up pieces of wood and tossing them onto the tarps. He was bent over looking for any loose nails that may have landed in the grass when the hand holding a cold beer bottle reached out. “Seriously tempting, but against the rules.”

“I thought that technically you work for me,” Cas smiled.

“Okay, now that’s a catch 22 right there. No drinking on the job, but keeping the customer happy.”

“I won’t rat you out. Not unless you totally fuck up my house.”

Dean couldn’t help but smile. The jeans and t-shirt, taste in music, beer, ‘f’ bombs. He had definitely gotten the wrong first impression. “As long as you don’t mind me drinking on your dime.” Dean took the bottle and tried not to make an audible moan when he swallowed the cold beer. He’d been thinking about the bottles lined up neatly in his fridge for the last couple of hours. “It still amazes me that I can be out here sweating my ass off in Maine of all places. I mean in Kansas, it can get hot as hell in the summer.”

“Don’t get used to it. It hits 80 and it’s a heatwave. You just happened to take on a job during a heatwave. And I’m sure that the way they make you accessorize doesn’t help,” Cas looked pointedly at the hard hat laying next to the clipboard in the grass.

“Safety first. It’s not like OSHA visits private renovations, but it would be my luck if they did and we weren’t geared up. My boss would kick my ass if he got fined.”

Cas started walking slowly around the expansive backyard, silently signaling at Dean to walk with him. “So, you moved here from Kansas less than a year ago. Interesting choice.”

“Yeah, people like to tell me that the only reason a guy moves across the country is to either be with a girl or to get away from one. I actually followed a guy out here.” Dean held in his laughter when he could sense Cas trying not to react to his surprise. “The construction outfit I worked for in Kansas was owned by two brothers, the Kripke’s. They split off when one brother did actually follow a girl out here. I needed a change of scenery and he offered me a foreman position plus moving expenses, so I thought what the hell. If it doesn’t work, I can always go back. What about you? Local boy?”

“Actually Massachusetts born and raised. I came here for the professor position, and to get away from my pain in the ass family, but I won’t dump that story on you. You haven’t known me long enough for me to make you suffer through it. I was actually living in the guest house over there until my aunt died a few months ago and left it all to me.”

“That’s a guest house? I didn’t realize that it was part of your property.”

“I have just over an acre here total. I’m not sure why the guest house is so far from the main house.”

“I would assume that people build guest houses so that they don’t have to invite the guests to stay in their actual house. Putting it that far away actually makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is the swimming pool.”

Cas stopped walking and started to chuckle. “My aunt was...eccentric would probably be the best word. Her and my mother never got along and my parents, very begrudgingly, let us come visit for a week or two in the summer. She thought that building a swimming pool would entertain us while we were here. It’s not like there is much for a kid to do in an old house in a small town in Maine. I officially have the only house on the block with one.”

“At least she went with a kind of cool garden vibe and not some big rectangular chunk of cement in the ground.”

“I said she was eccentric, I didn’t say that she was totally tasteless,” Cas smiled.

“So you decided to keep this big ass house instead of sell it?”

“Yeah, it’s just me and I don’t need all of the space, but I’m a sucker for these old houses. And, it’s got sentimental value.”

“You’re still young-ish,” Dean chuckled, knowing that they were roughly the same age. “You can still meet a nice girl, settle down, and fill it full of the pitter patter of tiny feet.”

“Uh, no. I was married. We were too young and too immature to pull it off so we went our separate ways. Kids have never been part of my big picture. I come from a big family, the idea of living quietly has a lot of appeal. So any wife or pitter patter of your own?”

“No and no. Never been, never wanted to. Lost a lot of girlfriends because of it. I always wanted to be the kind of guy who just traveled the country in my car, doing odd jobs to get by until I could move on. Now I have a respectable job, but I still don’t want the whole family thing. I’m a selfish bastard, I wouldn’t wish myself upon anybody,” he smiled, taking the last swallow of beer. “And that seems like a profound way to end the day. I’m losing light and I’ve got to get back to the office. I hope like hell I have some breath mints in my truck. Anyway, thanks for the beer and conversation. You really need to go check out that record store. I’ll see you around.” Dean walked away slowly, dropping the empty bottle on a pile of scrap and bending down to reach for his hard hat and clipboard. He turned and nodded before he walked across the lawn and let himself out through the gate.

\-------------------------

“Hey Sammy,” Dean smiled into the phone. “How are things in sunny California? How are Jess and Claire?” Dean tried to call his brother as often as possible, but most nights he was too tired to do it and promised himself that he’d call the next night. Sam, he had done everything right. He had a law degree, a beautiful wife, a beautiful daughter, a large home, and a ton of debt. He was the picture of the American dream. The two brothers couldn’t have been more different and they didn’t always get along growing up, but they’d grown closer over the years. If you were to ask Dean who his closest friend was, it would always be his brother. “Yeah, I’m still working on the same house. It’s still going to be a little while until we actually get inside, and that’s when the real fun begins. At least the guy has multiple bathrooms so he doesn’t have to stay somewhere while we finish the job. He just has to put up with a bunch of construction workers...Actually he’s a pretty cool guy...Totally different than I expected...I should make enough from this job alone to take some time off this winter...Of course I’ll come out there. I’ll stop and see mom and dad too. How was their visit?...Of course they spoiled Claire rotten...I know, I spoil her rotten too. You need to have more kids so that I can share the love...Yeah okay go ahead and pass that message on to Jess. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled...Well, I’m beat and I think I’m going to pass out on my couch while trying to watch a movie...Yes I have actually watched an entire movie without falling asleep before, asshole...You too...Talk to you later.”

He hung up the phone and considered calling his parents, but he knew that his mom would talk his ear off. She was still having a hard time adjusting to him being so far away. His move to Maine had been almost as big of a surprise to him as it had been to his family. He got the offer and took it. He’d always been restless, looking for adventure. Moving across the country had definitely been an adventure. He just hadn’t realized that New England small town living would be so different. He didn’t really date and he was still considered an outsider by most of the guys he worked with. He spent most of his spare time either relaxing in his small rental house or driving around in his 'baby', his father’s old 1967 Chevy Impala, looking for things to do. If there was one thing that these small towns had to offer it was interesting shops and buildings. He loved the old buildings, he loved the history of the area, but nobody really knew those things about him. He was a construction foreman and he didn’t mind that people didn’t see anything beyond that. He picked up the remote and checked through the cable listings. He finally settled on a movie and grabbed a beer out of the fridge. 

\-------------------------

He had just finished what he considered the best greasy burger within a 30 mile radius when he wandered into the record store. The owner of the small shop nodded and smiled when he saw Dean. He shrugged as if to say, “I don’t know if you’ll find anything,” but Dean started rifling through the albums anyway. Sometimes he was lucky and came across something that he didn’t already own. He found a couple of Black Sabbath albums. He already had them, but it made him think of Cas Novak. He knew that they weren’t exactly friends, but a fellow lover of good music deserved the original vinyl. Worst case scenario, he’d keep them and end up with two copies. He found a few other albums and the owner cut him a deal. He spent the rest of the day checking out historic sites, always feeling awkward at first but eventually losing himself in the stories behind the walls, the trees, or the rocks. He thought about driving out to the shore, the ocean here was a hell of a lot different than it was just a few miles from Sam’s house, but he knew that he wouldn’t get home until late and he just wanted to lay on the floor of his living room and listen to some music until he took a hot shower and crawled into bed.

\-------------------------

Dean watched the painters putting the final touches on the exterior detail work. The junk company had been by earlier to pick up most of the remnants of wood and old windows. He’d called Cas to let him know that he needed to meet with him to go over the plans for the interior. He watched the sedan pull into the driveway and slowly shook his head. That car didn’t match the house that it parked next to, and it certainly didn’t match the personality of the man driving it. He again saw the rumpled suit and messy hair. His movements were awkward and for the first time, he was wearing glasses. He signaled Dean to follow him into the house, and after a quick set of instructions to his painters, Dean walked up the few porch steps and followed Cas to the kitchen.

“Um, so kitchen table too informal? We could sit in that dusty dining room at the table big enough to hold 16 if it seems more businesslike.”

Dean smiled and set his clipboard on the kitchen table, “Nah, this works fine. I can actually read the paperwork in here. Those curtains in the sitting room and dining room are something else. I’m sorry, but it’s like the Addams family lives here.”

“Remember, eccentric,” Cas smiled, pulling his Keurig coffee maker out of a cabinet. “I know it’s late in the day, but it’s been a long one and I’m going to be up all night grading papers. Do you want a cup?”

“Actually, yeah. I’m beat and I've got a lot of paperwork waiting for me. Working with construction guys is one thing, demolish and replace. It’s these ‘artisans’ that drive me nuts. I get that we have to be accurate in our detailing, but for fucks sake. Oh...sorry about that.”

“What? The totally unprofessional dropping of an ‘f’ bomb? I’m deeply offended. I may have to call off the entire project now,” Cas grinned. “So how do you take it? Black? Sugar? Cream? Fancy flavored shit?”

“Black is fine,” Dean laughed.

“Good, because I ran out of the fancy flavored shit right around the time my aunt passed away and I brought this monstrosity over here instead of sitting with her drinking lukewarm coffee from a French press. Don’t get me wrong, nothing personal against a French press, I’m just a big fan of technology and convenience.” He pulled his glasses off and set them on the counter pinching the bridge of his nose. “God, those things get on my nerves after 8 hours.”

“Have you ever considered contacts?”

“No. I don’t need ‘em. These aren’t prescription, the lenses are clear.”

Dean leaned back in his chair and took in the rumpled suit, messy hair, red marks where the glasses had been resting on the bridge of Cas’s nose. He couldn’t reconcile this guy with the guy who handed him a beer a couple of weeks ago. “Um, can I ask why?”

“Well,” Cas called over the sputtering of the coffee maker, “Professor Novak and Cas Novak are two different guys.” He set the steaming mug in front of Dean and started brewing one for himself. “Please don’t think of my cream and sugar usage as a weakness.”

“I work in construction. We get bullied if we drink anything other than black sludge and cheap beer. I have to hide my craft shit in the back of my fridge for fear of anyone finding out. I’m actually considering a hidden mini fridge.”

“Ah, so Dean the construction foreman and Dean Winchester are also two different guys?”

“Maybe. So why the dual personality?”

Cas sat down and started blowing on the hot steam rising from his mug. “I watch a lot of professors trying to do the ‘cool’ thing. Get down on their students level and be a friend who teaches. I guess it works fine for some, but when you teach historic architecture classes for the art history department, being that guy doesn’t work. These kids come from money, most of them anyway. They declare really useful majors like humanities, art history, 18th century French literature. I don’t want the distraction of trying to keep up with trends, I want to teach them about the revolution of design throughout history. Who influenced the building trends. What events led up to the popularity or necessity in specific eras. Okay, now I’m boring the hell out of you.”

“Not at all,” Dean smiled, taking a sip of the surprisingly good coffee. “I told you, I love old houses. I would never in a million years to admit that I actually own history books or visit historic sites...because I don’t.”

“And I call bullshit. So, what’s the next step in this completely overwhelming renovation process?”

“Overwhelming? We haven’t even moved inside yet. Now I’m a little worried about your mental health.”

“I’m considering moving back into the guest house while you’re in here.”

“That’s probably for the best, Professor.”

\-------------------------

“So the attic you just want the bare beams and wood flooring?”

“If you can just fix the flooring that is already there, I’d rather do that than replace it.”

“We can do that. Since you’ve decided to update instead of going with historically accurate we should probably do the staircases. As they are, each step is about an inch too narrow to technically meet safety code.”

“And they say that size doesn’t matter,” Cas muttered. Dean almost spit his coffee out, but regained his composure.

“So wood flooring all around?”

“Yep.”

“With no radiant heat underneath? I can’t remember the last time I did a house without radiant heat under the flooring.”

“Are you trying to upsell me?” Cas smiled. “I don’t mind cold floors. That’s why I own socks. But, I want to keep the radiant heat system throughout the entire house.”

“So radiators and fireplaces? Really? I haven’t been here long, but it gets pretty fucking cold.”

“I’m used to the fireplaces and radiators. Call it part of my sentimentality. I basically just want the structure sound. Take out a few walls to combine rooms so that they don’t look like walk-in closets. Update the bathrooms and kitchen.”

“But keep all of the fine craftsmanship original, or close to it?”

“Yep.”

Dean shook his head, “You know that’s where most of your money is going to go. The woodworkers and painters for that shit are not cheap.”

“If I wanted cheap, I would have just sold this place and bought something smaller. I got the entire estate, which included enough money for a renovation. Either I’m overly sentimental or I have this need to be the strange bachelor who lives in a large house alone and doesn’t talk to the neighbors. I think it’s a little of both.”

Dean just chuckled, “Your electrical is going to need to be redone. It’s not really a huge safety issue, but it barely meets code. Most of your pipes are lead, we’ll want to swap that out. We’ll be inside for a lot longer than we were outside.”

“I lived in that guest house long enough that it won’t take long to adjust to it. But I’m taking my coffee maker with me,” Cas smiled. “My schedule changes in the next few weeks, after the semester ends. Summer semester doesn’t usually keep me as busy so I’ll probably be around a little more. Is that a problem?”

“It’s your house, you can stand in the middle of the action if you really feel like it. I wouldn’t suggest it, but you can. So, we’ll be moving into the house on Monday. That should give you plenty of time for you to get the furniture and shit out of here. We’ll just work from the top down.” Dean stood and picked up his clipboard, sliding it between his arm and his body before he held his hand out, “Thanks for the coffee, man.” Cas shook his hand and gave him a small smile before he walked out of the house. 

\-------------------------

Dean was in the attic with a small crew, going over the planks of hardwood that needed to be removed and the new pieces that needed to replace them when he saw something through the large bay window. He stood and watched Cas walk out of the guest house with board shorts and a t-shirt on, a towel thrown over his shoulder. He got to the edge of the pool, dropped his towel, and pulled the t-shirt over his head. Dean was surprised by the flat stomach, v lines that started just above his hips, the perfect curve of his lower back, and defined muscles in his arms and shoulders. He’d never even thought about what Cas might look like under his suit or his t-shirts, but this was not what he expected. He didn’t move as Cas slipped into the pool, dunking his entire body underwater before standing up and running his fingers through his dark wet hair. 

“Hey Dean, where do you want us to start?”

“Start on the south end. I marked which boards need to come up. The replacements should have the same marks so that you know what goes where,” he said, still looking out of the window, watching Cas start to swim laps. His client had gone from nerdy professor, to down to earth cool guy, to somebody who could possibly be the best wingman a guy could ask for if Dean decided to go to the bar and play that game. He knew that he’d never look at the rumpled suit and fake glasses the same way again.

\-------------------------

“Dean!” Cas called as he jogged across the front lawn. “I was hoping to catch up with you before you left. I didn’t want to try to come find you in the house, but I thought you might want to take a look at this." He handed Dean a glossy sheet of paper.

Dean looked it over, looked at Cas, and looked it over again. “What’s this? I mean I know what it is, I can read, but…”

“I’m doing a six week seminar on Saturdays. The evolution of American architecture from the mid 19th century to the post World War 2 housing boom. You said that you absolutely do not own any history books or visit historic sites,” Cas smiled. “I thought that maybe in your line of work, this type of thing might be useful.”

Dean just looked at the paper and then back up at Cas, “It sounds amazing, it really does. But, do you see that number right there? Not exactly in my budget.”

“So don’t formally register. It’s a summer seminar, they don’t keep track of who shows up and who doesn’t. It’s not like you’re looking for credit hours. If you come to the first class and it sucks, you don’t have to come back. I won’t take it personally. A lot people think that my classes suck. I just thought you might be interested. The materials can be kind of pricey, and unfortunately because it’s an e-book and design program, you can’t exactly sell it back. I figured I’d throw the idea out there.”

\-------------------------

Dean didn’t get a nod or a smile when he walked in the room and awkwardly sat at a desk in the back. He was easily the oldest person there, and easily by 15 years. He could feel the flush in his cheeks when some of the trust fund babies turned and looked at him before looking at each other and rolling their eyes. He felt almost more flushed at the handful of young girls who continued to stare. He opened his laptop and followed the instructions from the email to log on. He kept staring at the screen even when he heard the familiar voice.

“Some of you have already had the misfortune of sitting through at least one of my classes, but I do see a few new faces. I am Professor Novak and we are going to spend the next six weeks talking about the evolution of American architecture. We will start with the post Civil War Gothic Revival and work our way up to the rambler and ranch style homes that seemed to take over when World War 2 ended…”

Dean finally looked up and saw the rumpled suit, the clear lensed glasses, and the already present stain of dry erase marker on the side of Cas’s hand. He almost laughed when he thought about what the girls in the class might think if they knew what was under that suit.

He followed along, making notes and highlighting text. He heard Cas’s final words of wisdom and closed his computer while the rest of the students were already filing out of the room.

“Dean…”

Dean turned around and looked at Cas. The room had cleared out quickly. These kids didn’t want to be stuck in class all day. “Uh yeah?”

“I’m a little surprised that you showed,” Cas smiled, taking off his glasses and squeezing the bridge of his nose again. “Pleased, but surprised. Think you’ll make it back next week?”

“I’m thinking that I probably will. I’ll tell you, Professor Novak is a lot different than the homeowner that I’ve been working with,” Dean grinned.

“Yeah well, that stays between us. I’m not trying to be likable, I’m trying to be knowledgeable.”

“So the taste in music, the beer, the swearing…”

“Top secret. I figure that these kids think that I go home, feed my cats, and turn on classical music while I heat up my dinner in the microwave.”

“What do you listen to when you heat up your dinner in the microwave?” Dean chuckled.

“I listen to rock music while I unwrap the food that I got at a drive thru, thank you very much. So, are you headed home?”

“Yeah, I have a huge stack of nothing waiting for me. I figured I might as well get to it today.”

“Hungry?”

“Why? Are you planning on forcing me to listen to classical music while you microwave something?”

“That just sounded creepy. Not like Silence Of The Lambs creepy, but creepy. No, I’m starving and there’s an amazing deli not too far away.”

“If any of the students saw us there, wouldn’t they immediately tag me as the teacher’s pet?”

“Probably, but none of the students go there. They don’t sell latte’s and most of their shit isn’t GMO free or grass fed. They also have the audacity to offer bread packed full of gluten. So, let the teacher buy you lunch?”

“How about we go dutch.”

Cas smiled and gave Dean directions before he turned towards the faculty parking lot.

\-------------------------

“So you were living the dream in Kansas…”

“Not exactly,” Dean laughed. “I was living in a dinky apartment in Kansas doing year round construction…"

“And hiding your secret interest in history…"

“Shut up and listen if you want my life story, it’s fascinating. Actually, that’s about it. I was living in a dinky apartment in Kansas working construction.”

“Family?”

“My mom and dad lived about an hour away. She’s always been a stay at home mom. He’s an ex Marine and mechanic. I have a baby brother who’s in Cali living the dream with a beautiful wife, daughter, and crippling debt. I guess I just got sick of being there. It’s where I was born and raised, I’ll always love it, but I wanted different scenery.”

“So you chose Maine? Most people visit Maine, they don’t choose to move here.”

“Actually, Maine chose me, but I already told you that part. It’s been an adjustment. It’s a lot different than the midwest. There are a lot of things that I’ll probably never get used to, but I have no ties. I can go back to Kansas whenever I want. That’s the beauty of working for brothers. I know I have a job waiting there for me if I want it. What about you?”

“Like I said, born and raised in Massachusetts. Very religious family.”

“Religious as in…”

“My two older brothers joined the priesthood. I had the audacity to not even consider the priesthood. Then I had the audacity to live with a woman before we got married. It got really bad when we decided not to have a church wedding. I could actually see the vein in my mother’s forehead pulsating when I told her. Divorce and not giving her grandchildren finally put her over the edge. We haven’t spoken in years.”

“I’m sorry, man,” Dean said softly.

“It’s okay. They’re close minded, and I can’t change that. I can’t live the way that they expect me to live. I sure as hell can’t live like Michael and Gabriel. Ironically, I got the most biblical sounding name, and I’m the black sheep.”

“So Cas is short for?”

“Castiel.”

“Uh wow, that is biblical. If it’s any consolation, I was named after my grandmother. Not my grandfather, my brother got that distinction. No, I was named after my grandmother Deana.”

“How many people know that?” Cas laughed.

“Outside of my family? I think three, including you. So you never really did explain why you stepped away from the architecture thing. I know it’s a hell of a lot of schooling.”

“Yes, the crippling debt, schooling, internships, state exams, it’s pretty grueling. But, I didn’t have enough experience or connections to get hired on at a firm. I couldn’t make a name for myself without a firm. So, I decided to teach. I get to talk about it, show examples of it, watch kids yawn during slideshow presentations. It pays the bills and most of the time I like it.”

“Don’t you ever want to be doing something that you really love?”

“So your dream was to be a construction foreman? I’m not putting your job down. I’ve watched you. It’s complicated and you have to seriously know your shit. I respect what you do, but was that your end goal?”

Dean slowly smiled and nodded, “Touche.” He hadn’t sat and talked to somebody like this in a long time, certainly not since he’d moved. He’d been an outsider since the day he’d set foot in that town, and he’d stayed that way. It seemed like in many ways, Cas was just as much of an outsider as he was. “So, are you just headed home after this?”

“Yeah, that was the plan. It’s pretty quiet around my place on the weekends,” Cas grinned. “Why?”

“I was just thinking about swinging by and dropping something off. Okay, that sounded kind of strange.”

“No it didn’t. Well, I guess that depends on what you’re dropping off. Do you need the address?” Cas smiled.

“Smartass.” 

\-------------------------

“Ah, you changed out of the Professor uniform,” Dean said when Cas opened the door.

“I decided to go with my ‘human’ look. C’mon in. You’ve never actually seen the guest house.”

“Uh here, I can’t hold these behind my back forever. My thumbs are starting to cramp.” Dean handed Cas the records that he had bought weeks ago and wondered if maybe he’d gone too far. Cas’s jaw dropped when he took them from Dean’s hands and started looking through them one by one.

“Are you fucking kidding me? I had all of these and my mom made me physically sit and watch her burn them.”

“I’d rather be beaten with a belt then watch vinyl burn.”

“Tell me about it. These are amazing, and I actually brought my old record player over here with me. If you’re not busy we can check them out and I can bitch if any of them have scratches,” Cas smiled. “But seriously Dean, thank you. You didn’t have to.”

“Meh, the Black Sabbath t-shirt was legit. I figured if you drove all of the way to Jersey, you earned it.”

“Do you want a beer?” Cas called over his shoulder as he walked towards the kitchen.

“Actually, I would love a beer. Isn’t there some rule about drinking with a student?”

“Probably, but you brought me vinyl so who gives a shit about the rules?”

\-------------------------

Dean didn’t see much of Cas once he moved the crew inside. He’d get a glimpse of him crossing the lawn to the guest house, or a moment of him swimming laps in the pool, but for the most part he he had to wait to sit in a classroom.

He still smiled every time he watched the Professor Novak act. He would think back to the night that they laid on the floor of the guest house drinking beer and listening to music. That was only after Dean convinced Cas that the best way to listen to music was by laying on the floor. 

Dean was purposely slow leaving class and insisted that Cas needed to try the best burgers around. He offered to drive, and Cas stopped in his tracks when he saw Dean’s car.

“She was my dad’s,” Dean smiled. “He knew how much I loved this car, so for my 25th birthday he just handed me the keys and told me to take good care of her or he’d kick my ass.”

“Touching moment,” Cas mumbled, still walking in circles around the Impala.

“It was for him,” Dean laughed. “I told you, my old man is an ex Marine. He’s a good guy, just not exactly warm and fuzzy.”

“I wouldn’t know warm and fuzzy if it knocked on my front door and introduced itself,” Cas said quietly. “Well, I say we go get burgers.”

“You just want to ride in the car, don’t you?” Dean grinned.

“Actually, I’d rather drive the car.”

“Not a chance in hell. Get in Professor Novak.”

“That will never get old for you, will it?”

“Nope,” Dean chuckled as they pulled out of the parking lot.

\-------------------------

Saturday lunches became a ritual. Cas told Dean that he didn’t have to take any of the quizzes, he did anyway. Cas felt like an asshole when he was surprised to see Dean’s relatively high score. He stopped being surprised by the high scores. He wasn't surprised by the intelligent and incisive paper that Dean wrote. But he was almost shocked by the original digital 3D design that Dean submitted as his final project. 

“You know that since you’re not technically enrolled, I can’t grade you.” They were walking out to the parking lot after the final class.

“Fine by me, I never got good grades anyway.”

“I scored your quizzes, read your paper, and looked at your original design. I would have given you an A-.”

Dean’s cheeks started turning red, “I know you’re just saying that because…”

“We’re friends? No, I’m saying it because you’re a hell of a designer and I’d like your permission to use your original design to show future students. It’s really amazing, Dean.”

“It’s just a house, Cas.”

“It’s a full digital reconstruct of a Queen Anne. Those are not easy to pull off. Can I use it?”

“I guess so,” Dean mumbled.

“Hey,” Cas wrapped his fingers around Dean’s arm and spun him around. “We’ve never talked about it, but I get it. Your brother, he’s a lawyer. He spent years in college so that he could spend years in an office. That doesn’t make him smarter. You worked your way up through a company and now you’re the best renovation foreman that they’ve got. You also have a licensed architect and somewhat jaded college professor telling you that your work is some of the best he’s seen. Just take the fucking compliment. You’re smart, Dean. Your talented as hell.”

“Thanks Cas,” Dean said quietly.

“Hey, have you ever see the MacAvoy house in Farmington?”

“Uh no,” Dean looked up at Cas.

“Let’s go. It’s about an hour away, 45 minutes the way you drive. It’s one of the most amazing Queen Anne’s in the area. C’mon, I want you to see it.”

“Can we stop by your place so that you can change out of the whole Professor get-up?” Dean smiled.

“They’ll just love two guys in jeans and rock t-shirts at a historic site,” Cas grinned. “I’ll meet you at my place and we’ll go from there.”

\-------------------------

Cas smiled slowly as he watched Dean walk around the stately home. He was almost like a child who was forcing himself to remember not to touch anything. Cas knew that he wasn’t listening to the tour guide as much as he was just taking everything in. 

“Okay, that was fucking beautiful, and I feel like such a nerd for saying that.”

“Embrace your inner nerd, Dean Winchester. With acceptance comes power,” Cas laughed. “There are actually a couple more in this area. They aren’t as impressive as the MacAvoy, but they’re still worth seeing. This was a big logging community in the mid 19th century. There was a lot of money being made. Do you want to go check them out?”

“Sure, yeah,” Dean said, trying to embrace his inner nerd.

\-------------------------

They found a decent table at what they’d been told was the best coffee shop in Farmington, and sat while they waited for their drinks.

“Okay, seriously man, that shit makes my little digital design look like a fucking mess. I had a computer to do half of the work for me. These guys had to sit down with what, ink pens and paper and draw all of the shit out? Measurements and placement? They had to know where to put load bearing walls, not to mention the craftsmanship. And then they built it all by hand. Blows my mind. Here I’m feeling kind of bad because we’re probably a week behind on the reno at your place, but everything we have is computer guided and calibrated.”

“You’re a week behind?” Cas smiled. “When were you going to tell me this?”

“A day or so before the deadline,” Dean grinned. “You’re going to die when you see it. I still can’t believe that you haven’t gone in there since we started. You are putting a lot of faith in us, man. You really want to wait until it’s all done?”

“Yeah, I do. I trust you, and I want to see if what I drew on paper made sense.”

“No pressure,” Dean laughed, nodding at the barista who brought them their coffee. “We’re getting close. But, you know you’re going to go in there bare bones. No furniture, rugs, curtains, any of that shit. I mean we put the shutters up and the rooms will be painted, but that’s it.”

“That’s how I want to see it. I’m clueless when it comes to interior design, so that should be fun.”

“I know a great interior designer,” Dean said over the rim of his coffee cup.

“Expensive?”

“She’s sleeping with my brother, so I could probably get you a discount. Unfortunately she’s roughly 3,000 miles away. But, if I sent her some pictures and video of your space, she could come up with something. She’s done some amazing shit. She was able to talk my mom out of the 1980’s thing that she had going on in the house I grew up in.”

“I wouldn’t want to take advantage…”

“She can always say no. Shit, I can just ask her for some ideas. Unless you want to do it yourself. I know you don’t plan on turning the place into a museum, but you do have some responsibility to the historic integrity to do something with it.”

“Are you using my own house to make me feel guilty?”

“Maybe a little,” Dean smiled. “But if you want me to call Jess, I can call Jess. I’m guessing you want lots of floral? Pastels?”

“God, you know me so well it’s like we’re the same person sometimes.”

“Asshole.”

“See?” Cas laughed. “You know there are a ton of buildings up and down the coast that are even more impressive than what we saw today. I can give you a list.”

“Yeah, sure,” Dean muttered. He’d spent months checking out the area, but none of it was like today. He didn’t have somebody to talk to about it or look impressed when he was able to point out fine details. He knew that there was a strong chance once the renovation was complete, he and Cas might not talk much, if at all. 

“So, I had a question,” Cas said, pulling Dean from his reverie.

“Okay, shoot.”

“I know that you moved here less than a year ago and you said that you could go back to Kansas if it didn’t work out, which leads me to believe that you’re renting.”

“Maybe you should have been a detective,” Dean grinned. “Yes, I’m renting a glorified cabin from my boss’s wife’s parents. Did that make sense?”

“Yeah, I got the general idea. I was just thinking that once I’m out of that guest house and into the big house, I might want to rent it out. I was hoping for a tenant who would keep my non-professor identity a secret and not complain when the music is too loud. Interested?”

“How much are you looking to charge?”

“I’ve been looking into it and I’m thinking about $200 less than what you’re paying now.”

“You don’t even know what I’m paying now,” Dean laughed.

“So we’ll call it another surprise. I really should rent the place out, but I don’t like the idea of somebody I don’t know living on my property.”

“I may have some horrible habits that you don’t know about.”

“Same here. I’m not sliding a rental agreement across the table, I’m just putting it out there.”

“You promise not to tell anyone about the craft beer or books that I actually read?”

“As long as you keep my budding music collection and abject use of swear words to yourself.”

“It’s definitely worth considering.”

“Let me know. I’m hoping that these damn construction workers are done with my place soon. Last I heard they are a week behind so I’m not quite sure when I’ll be able to hand over the keys,” Cas smiled.

\-------------------------

Construction had finished days ago, the cleaning crew was leaving. It had been a labor of love and taken months, like Dean expected, but Cas’s house was finally done. He waited until everybody was gone before he walked across the lawn. He’d told Cas that they still needed a few days to finish up some of the fine details and get it cleaned up. He knocked on the door of the guest house and leaned against the frame. Cas answered in the same jeans and Black Sabbath t-shirt he’d been wearing the day they’d first talked in the backyard.

“Don’t tell me there’s a problem,” Cas said, when he opened the door.

“Not unless you consider me lying to you a problem. It’s done.”

“Done?”

“Yeah, done. As in finished. The cleaning crew just left. Other than the phone call asking you if they can send a photographer out to take pictures for the sample book and website, you are officially done with Kripke Contracting. No more sweaty construction workers. Go take a look.”

Cas was halfway across the yard when he turned around, “Are you coming or what?”

Dean jogged to catch up with him. “I didn’t know if you wanted a little alone time.”

“You’re the foreman. I need somebody to complain to if it looks like...holy shit…”

“Yeah, this is just the kitchen, Cas. This is actually pretty modern. Wait until you see the rest of it.”

Dean spent over an hour just a few feet behind Cas with a smile on his face. “The balustrades, the mouldings, the flooring, it’s fucking amazing. It’s not even what I really pictured.”

“We followed the blueprints and drawings…”

“No no,” Cas reached back and placed his hand against Dean’s chest. “I mean it’s just...holy shit. It’s almost like a totally different house.”

“Isn’t that what you were going for?”

“Well yeah, it’s just one thing to picture it in your head, but to actually see it? It was not easy staying away. I wanted to come in here so many times and check on it, but I am so glad that I didn’t.”

“I don’t know how you did it, man. I would have been in here like a micro managing pain in the ass.”

“I know you would have. You probably were. That’s why I trusted you. I knew you wouldn’t let me down. But this...this is art, Dean. And don’t tell me that you went straight with the plans. I see a few things that I never put in there, but probably should have.”

“Ah, busted on the minor artistic license. They came to me with questions while I was taking your seminar and I answered them. Which is totally unprofessional and wrong, so I’m willing to fix any of it, no charge.”

“Oh hell no, it stays as is. I didn’t realize how fucking big this place is. It’s always been full of bulky ugly furniture. I’m keeping the dining table, I mean who wouldn’t? As soon as I find 15 people that I actually like, I fully intend to throw a dinner party. Actually make it 14, you’re already invited. So how much would your sister in law charge to do that remote cross country deal?”

“I don’t know,” Dean laughed. “I’ll call her tonight and ask her. Let me take a shit ton of pictures and some video first. I know she’ll want to facetime with you. She won’t do a design without getting to know the client, so be prepared.”

Cas turned around, Dean had never seen his eyes that shade of blue before. He was like a child at Disneyland. “Prepared for what?”

“The sweetest, smartest, most beautiful woman in the world asking you strange questions about your preferences. Hopefully she’ll only get as personal as asking if you wear boxers or briefs, but you never know with Jess.”

“Wait, you restored the fireplace in the master? I thought I designed that to be filled in.”

“More artistic license?” Dean shrugged. “I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Restoring it was within your budget, and the detail in the woodwork on the mantel itself was worth saving. I’ll fill it in for you, again for no charge.”

“No, absolutely not. I just couldn’t picture it…”

They walked around a second time, and then a third time before Cas pulled Dean into a bear hug and invited him to the guest house for a beer or two. Cas signed off on the work order and was technically no longer his client.

\-------------------------

“Hey mom...Yeah we finally got the big job done. I think I’ll be able to take enough time off to come out in a couple of months. I want to head to Cali to see Sam too. You and dad should come with...There’s work around here in the winter but it’s just small stuff, kitchens and bathrooms, but it pays the bills. Oh, I’m moving...The guest house behind the one we just renovated. The guy is giving me a good deal...Yep, things are starting to fall into place...I know and I miss you too, mom...No, don’t worry about waking dad up from his nap. I’ll call earlier next time...I love you too...bye.”

Dean set his phone down and sighed. He knew that it wasn’t intentional, but he hated the guilt trip. He didn’t leave Kansas on bad terms, he just left Kansas. He wasn’t going to amount to anything there, not with the friends that he had and the way that he was living. There was no guarantee that he’d amount to anything in Maine, but at least he didn’t have the Dean Winchester reputation hanging over his head. Nobody in this town knew about his womanizing, drinking, or fighting. He was just a quiet guy who kept to himself. He was actually ecstatic to be moving into Cas’s guest house. There was something comforting in having someone he’d come to consider a friend just yards away. Cas had a busy schedule with fall semester starting, and Dean’s schedule would slow down with the weather changing, but he knew that Cas would knock on his door every once in awhile looking for conversation and a beer.

\-------------------------

“I think I’m in love,” Cas grunted, setting a heavy box down on the floor. “Why did I offer to help you move again? I’m your landlord, right?”

“Technically, yes. And your offer to help? Probably because we’d been drinking when I asked. So you’re in love?”

“Your sister-in-law.”

“Yeah, well besides the fact that Sam is 6’4” and would probably kick your ass, they are disgustingly in love. Like real deal love. It’s a little nauseating in person.”

“Well, there go my hopes and dreams,” Cas laughed, wiping the sweat from his brow. “She is amazing. I honestly have no idea what she’s talking about half of the time but apparently shit is being delivered and I’m getting a decent price on it. If it’s ugly shit, and expensive, I will kick your ass.”

“My ass?”

“You started it, you sent her the pictures.”

“You told me that you have bad taste. What was I supposed to do? Let you fill that house with fake leather couches or shit from Ikea? This place, this is where you design with shit from Ikea.”

“Hey, the closest Ikea is…”

“I know, a few towns over. Can we just get this done?”

\-------------------------

Dean didn’t know why he couldn’t stop looking at the strip of flesh that was exposed just above the top of Cas’s belt every time he lifted his arms. It reminded him of the day in the attic, when he was surprised by how Cas was really built. It wasn’t a sexual thing, at least it didn’t feel like it was. It was just something else that he couldn’t reconcile with the nerdy professor in the rumpled suit. That suit covered a body that would make most of his female students show up to class early and try to stay late. When you took in the whole picture, the dark hair with perpetual bed head, the bright blue eyes, the smile, the body in jeans and a t-shirt, Cas could have a profound impact on the female members of the student body. He just chose not to. Dean didn’t know if he would have that kind of willpower. 

\-------------------------

“Hey, not all of us were left an inheritance to remodel and redecorate. Some of us have to put our furniture together. Now if you’re going to sit there and be useless, could you at least not be a dick?”

“Probably not,” Cas laughed. “I seriously thought you were kidding when you talked about Ikea.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Your sister-in-law is an interior designer and I’m sitting here watching you attempt to put furniture together using stick figure drawings and Swedish instructions. How long have you been doing construction?”

“Seriously, shut the fuck up.”

“Okay,” Cas could tell that Dean was getting legitimately annoyed so he reached out and grabbed a box. “I’m sorry. We’ll put your construction skills up against my architecture skills and see if we can’t get a kitchen table and chairs put together. This should be a drinking game. Get tipsy and try to build furniture from Ikea.”

“I think it’s already starting to become one. My bottle is empty, how about you? Ready for another?”

“Sure. This dining set is going to look amazing by morning.”

\-------------------------

“After four hours and three rebuilds of the chairs, I can’t believe we finally did it,” Cas said, sinking down into one of the chairs, hoping that it would hold his weight.

“Yeah, well now if I can find three people that I like, I can have a dinner party.”

“What about me?”

“You were being a total dick.”

“But I helped,” Cas smiled, pulling the beer bottle to his lips.

“Fine, two people that I like. But, I still don’t see that happening any time soon. So I’ve got a question for you.”

“Shoot.”

“The alcohol may make this really awkward, or maybe it’s awkward in general, but I really want to know. Are you using the suit and fake glasses as some type of armor?”

“What?”

“I’m sorry man, but I’ve seen you in jeans and a t-shirt. I’ve seen you in just board shorts. You could have co-eds lining up and taking a number if you wanted to. So what’s the deal?”

“Besides the fact that sleeping with students is possibly one of the worst ideas ever? I don’t want the distractions. It’s like I already told you, I want them to be there to learn and not because of me. Most of the other teachers have never seen me in anything other than the suit. I use the gym at the college, but I go early enough that nobody is there. I use the pool here to work out, not for pool parties. When I work, I’m at work. When I’m away from there, I can just be me. And those girls, I’m sorry but they are seriously fucking annoying. Rich trust fund babies who want to hook up with a professor and wear it as a badge of honor? Not my thing. So are you insinuating that I’m hot?” Cas grinned.

“I’m no expert, but I know what I see when I look in the mirror. You’re no Dean Winchester, but…” 

“Shut the fuck up.”

\-------------------------

The season had slowed down and Dean was only working a few days a week. He’d made enough off of Cas’s renovation alone to get him through the winter. Fall semester had started and Cas was working a full five days a week with a monthly Saturday class. Somehow they had become each other’s social life. Weekend visits to historic sites, movies, bad live music at dive bars, and a lot of being lazy at home watching movies. It reminded Dean of when he was a kid and his best friend lived across the street. 

Cas had conceded to keep the sitting room somewhat formal, but he’d turned the space created when they knocked out the walls between all of the servants quarters into a den. That’s where he kept the comfortable furniture and flat screen. Dean didn’t know how many nights they spent, each lying on an oversized sofa with a drink in hand, watching a movie or just bullshitting. 

\-------------------------

“Yes, I went to Catholic school, and no, Catholic girls are not as easy as the movies and songs might say. It was horrible. Especially to be the youngest of the Novak boys. I told you that both Michael and Gabriel are priests. My sisters, Hannah and Rachel, went the ‘perfect’ route too. Straight A’s, didn’t date, went to Mass twice a week. I was the problem child. I hated school, and I hated church. I told you that my mom burned my records. You should have see her when she caught me smoking or when I came home drunk once. Almost everybody in our neighborhood were good upstanding members of the church and they turned a blind eye when she smacked me around or locked me out of the house in the winter. My brothers and sisters never said anything, and my old man didn’t want to get involved. That woman was probably born pissed off and lucky for her, her middle child was a sinner and she had somebody to take it out on. Sorry, I’m not trying to dump my sob story on you.”

“No, go ahead, talk.”

“I tried, when I was younger. I tried to pay attention in church but I always had this voice in the back of my head telling me that it was bullshit. Maybe not all of it, but the sins and guilt. Why should a seven year old kid feel guilty? It didn’t make sense, but we all did. First Communion was such a huge deal, and my mom was pissed when I wasn’t excited about it. She took a belt to me that night for being disrespectful. My dad, he just ignored it and went to bed. My brothers sat on the stairs and watched. It hurt for days afterward, and it just never really got better. I got bigger, and she couldn’t use dad’s belt so she’d find other ways. Like I said, she’d lock me out of the house in the wintertime. I’d try to sleep in the garage because I was too embarrassed to go to a friend’s house and ask. She was a monster, but everybody kept it a secret. She finally kicked me out when I told her that I wasn’t going to seminary like Mike and Gabe. I never went back. I guess it was probably one of my sisters who told her that Meg and I were living together. She called and ripped into me. All I could think was that she would lay her head on her pillow at night believing that she was a good god fearing woman, but she treated her own flesh and blood like shit. I finally said fuck it and stopped trying to earn her love. I lived my life for me. She lost it when Meg and I got married at the courthouse. She waited the five years that we were married for a grandchild, even though I told her we weren’t planning on having kids. I think the divorce was the last straw. It wasn’t even an ugly divorce. Meg and I got married young, and ended up wanting different things. I actually get a Christmas card from her and her family every year. Sounds weird, I know, but it really isn’t. There are no hard feelings, there never were. I wasn’t who she needed, and she found someone who is. She wasn’t who I needed, and I haven’t bothered to go looking.”

“So you’ve been single since you got the divorce?”

“I haven’t exactly been celibate, but yeah. I’ve pretty much been single. Can’t remember the last time I used the ‘L’ word to describe something other than food, beer, music, or buildings. I don’t want to share my space, or my life, with anyone.”

“Well, the couch psychiatrist over here thinks that maybe it’s a living rebellion, but I don’t mean that in a bad way. Sounds like your childhood was pretty fucked up…”

“And I’ve given you the highlight reel, not all of the dirty details.”

“Wow, okay well it was obviously bad, really bad. I mean me and my old man had our moments. We swung on each other a few times, but I was an asshole and I usually deserved it. You didn’t deserve that shit. I totally get why you’d want your own space and your own life. You call the shots. Everything that you have, you’ve earned. I’m sorry if I’m crossing a line by saying this, but you don’t owe that bitch or anybody else any explanations.”

“You aren’t crossing a line,” Cas chuckled. “I’ve said a lot worse. I used to feel guilty about not being able to love her, but it was my aunt who got me through that. She was my mom’s older sister, so she understood. She would tell me that we can’t choose who we are related to, but we can choose who our family is. It kind of stuck with me. I mean, Hester was the crazy old bat type, but she made sense when it came to that shit. The only thing she ever wanted was for me to try and stay close to my brothers and sisters, but we were never close to begin with. Since I was the target growing up, they never hesitated to let me take the fall for everything. So, fuck ‘em. Both Hannah and Rachel are married and have a ton of kids. I don’t remember the last time I saw Mike or Gabe.”

“Makes me feel like shit for all of the times I fought with Sam or started shit with my old man. My mom, she’s the sweetest woman you’ll ever meet. I’m not helping, am I?”

“You’re fine. Not everybody can have a dramatic fucked up religious family. I just got lucky,” Cas smiled.

“I guess that my family was pretty normal. The old man was a hard ass, Sam was a parent’s wet dream, and I was the rebellious dick. Perfect midwestern family.”

“Why didn’t you go to college?”

Dean laughed. “The idea of Dean Winchester going to college was about as believable as aliens landing in the middle of the street. Sam, he was the brain. Full ride to Stanford. I was lucky to graduate high school. My options were pretty much mechanics or construction. I love cars, but I started working construction specifically not to follow in the old man’s footsteps. I was never going to amount to much, I knew that. So I worked, drove a fast car, specialized in fast women, drank, and got in fights. That life got old, actually I think I got old, and I didn’t want to do it anymore. I had the chance to become anonymous, and I took it.”

“Yeah, but doesn’t it get lonely?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“True,” Cas nodded. “I don’t socialize with the people that I work with. Hell, I don’t even like most of the people that I work with. I didn’t have many true friends growing up. I was a pariah and parents didn’t want their kids playing with Castiel Novak.”

“All because you questioned your mother’s beliefs?”

“Because I questioned her in general. Coming up here to see Hester in the summer was like my only reprieve. She favored me and my mother hated it. Which is probably why she favored me,” Cas chuckled.

“So she was it? Your aunt? She was your family?”

“Yep, she was it.”

“I’m sorry you lost her,” Dean said softly.

“Thanks. But, you helped me renovate her home. There’s some kind of, I don’t know, closure in that.”

“Do you think that’s what she would have wanted?”

“She would have wanted me to stay and do whatever in the fuck I wanted to it.”

“And all of this, this is what you wanted?”

Cas stared up at the ceiling silently. Talking about his family wasn’t easy, but not because he still carried the emotional burden. He didn’t want sympathy. He didn’t want Dean feeling sorry for him. “It’s what I wanted and more. Thank you, Dean.”

“For what?”

“Making my house what it is. For laying on my couch and listening. Calling my mom a bitch instead of telling me how sorry you are.”

“I think this is the first time that anybody has ever thanked me for calling their mom a bitch.”

“I’ve called her that enough times, it was kind of nice to hear somebody else’s voice say it.”

\-------------------------

Dean was second guessing himself. Maybe he shouldn’t have done it, but ever since the night that they talked about Cas’s childhood, he realized that Cas deserved more, he deserved something. He left the note with the copy of the house key that Cas had given him before the renovation on the kitchen table before going back to the guest house. He was nervous when he heard the car pull up the driveway, but he laid down on the couch with the remote and tried to pay attention to the TV. He could see the kitchen light turn on through his thin curtains, but that’s all he could see, the light. He waited and saw the attic light go on. He went in the kitchen to grab a drink and realized that he hadn’t eaten all day. He was in the middle of making a sandwich when he heard the knock. His heart skipped a beat, he didn’t know how pissed Cas might be. He fumbled with the knob, but finally opened the door. Cas was standing there with the note in one hand and a bottle in the other. He set them both on the table by the door and wrapped his arms around Dean. “Thank you,” he whispered. Dean could hear the tears in his voice when he shut the door and hugged him back.

\-------------------------

Cas finally pulled away and they locked gazes. Dean couldn’t read what was behind the watery blue eyes that looked into his, and he had no way of knowing the deep shade of green that his own reflected. Scenes kept flashing in his mind. Cas taking him to the historic homes. The night they got drunk and built furniture. The look on Cas’s face when he handed him the records. The day that he watched Cas climb in the pool. That small strip of skin between his belt and the bottom of his t-shirt. He reached out and placed a hand on either side of Cas’s face, pressing their lips together softly before he could talk himself out of it. So many conversations, moments, even times when they just laid on the floor and listened to music, it was all there and he knew that Cas felt it too when he parted his lips. Their tongues slid together slowly and Dean let his hands drop, gripping Cas’s hips, his thumbs running across his warm skin, tracing the v-line to his belt. Cas held Dean’s body against the wall with his own, deepening the kiss as a small moan escaped his chest. Dean raised his arms when he felt Cas’s hands sliding up his body, pushing his shirt over his head and helped get Cas’s own thin t-shirt off before he reached for him again, running his full lips down his neck and across his shoulders. They were fumbling with each other’s belts, slowly moving down the hallway, their hungry mouths needing to touch the other’s skin. Their clothes dropped on the floor next to the bed and Dean fell back on the mattress, pulling Cas with him. They were clumsy yet heated when they touched in the dark, Dean spreading his legs and Cas settling between them, trapping their hard cocks against their sweaty stomachs. Dean could feel the throbbing against him and his hips started to rock, taking Cas by surprise. The velvety friction against his sensitive skin made him gasp and he slid forward, moving in an easy rhythm. Their bodies arched together, Dean’s hands trailing down Cas’s back and pressing against the curve, pulling them closer. Neither had been touched in so long they knew, as they kissed passionately, that it would be quick. Dean could already feel himself building as Cas’s warm flesh skimmed across his body. His thighs tensed against Cas’s hips and he let out a loud groan as he came between them, hearing his name echo off of the walls when Cas arched and pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. Cas rocked slowly and finally let his body sink against Dean’s. 

\-------------------------

Cas silently followed Dean to the bathroom and they took turns soaping up each other’s bodies, both fixated on the tautness and muscle of the other. Nobody asked and nobody answered when they crawled under the blankets together, their bare skin still damp. They spent hours in a sultry haze of moving hands and soft mouths, sliding, kissing, sucking gently. They learned about each other in a way they never expected to and finally fell asleep with their arms wrapped around each other. The only words spoken were the ‘thank you’ that Cas whispered when Dean opened the door.

\-------------------------

Dean woke up alone, naked, and remembered what happened. He sat on the edge of the bed for a moment. He knew that he could hide, feeling regretful and awkward, or he could just get out of bed. He threw on a pair of board shorts and grabbed a towel, stopping in the kitchen to throw away the sandwich that had been sitting out all night. He noticed that the bottle was still on the table by the door, but the note was gone. He dropped his towel on the grass and dove into the pool. The water was cold, the air wasn’t much warmer, but he wanted to clear his head. He swam a few laps before he heard the door open and felt, more than saw, Cas walking towards the pool. He stopped swimming and leaned back, his arms on the concrete ledge holding his body up. 

“Here,” Cas said quietly, setting a mug of coffee down before he sat on the grass and dangled his feet in the water. “Kind of cold for a swim.”

“I was looking for a way to wake myself up.”

“Then I guess the coffee was pointless.”

“No,” Dean smiled slightly, “it’s appreciated.” He turned his body, his chest pressing against the wall of the pool, his elbows pulling him far enough out of the water to pick up the mug.

“I feel like I should apologize.”

“For what?” Dean asked.

“Either sneaking out before you woke up or letting it happen in the first place.”

“No reason to apologize for either. I get the sneaking out thing. It was a first for me, and I’m guessing a first for you. As far as letting it happen, if you regret it, then all I want is for you to ask yourself why.”

“Dean...I…”

“Listen, we don’t have to sit here over coffee and talk about it, Cas,” Dean said gently. “If you regret it, just ask yourself if it’s because it’s something that you truly didn’t want to happen, or if there is still some part of you that is holding on to the religious guilt telling you that it shouldn’t have happened because I’m a man.”

“What about you? I mean do you…”

“I try to live without regrets. You’re a teacher, you should see it. Life is really a series of lessons. If we stop ourselves from trying new things out of fear of being judged, then we’ll never really learn who we are.” Dean could sense Cas’s discomfort, and he knew that he wasn’t being an asshole when he ducked under the water and swam across the pool. He was giving Cas an out. Cas was almost all of the way back to the house by the time Dean had finished his full slow lap.

\-------------------------

Dean washed and dried the mug, leaving it on the counter to return at some point. It was Saturday, but not one of the Saturday’s that Cas had to work. He didn’t hear the engine of Cas’s car, but he knew that he had to stop listening for it. They would get this figured out. He got things done around the small house, mindlessly singing along to the loud music that he used to calm his nerves. He finally laid down on the couch with a book that he’d just picked up about Revolutionary War strongholds in New England. It was sitting open and face down on his chest when he drifted off.

\-------------------------

The book slid off of his chest and landed on the floor when he heard the knocking. He rubbed his eyes and shook his head. He didn’t realize that his quick nap had turned into hours. He opened the door and saw Cas, blushing and awkward, barely able to meet his eyes. “Am I bothering you?”

“No, no I was just sleeping on the couch.”

“I’m sorry, I can go…”

“No Cas, you’re fine.”

“I uh, left something here.”

“Yeah, your coffee mug. Let me go grab it. Come on in.” Dean turned to walk away when Cas stopped him.

“I don’t mean the coffee mug,” he smiled nervously. He had two glasses and a corkscrew in his hands. He turned his head and looked at the bottle of wine he’d left on the table. “Too uh…”

“It’s not too anything. I noticed it’s a red, and it’s getting late. I can make dinner if you’re hungry. Nothing too crazy, but I think I could pull off pasta.”

“Uh yeah, sure.” He watched Dean walk around the couch and pick up the book, dropping it on the coffee table. “A little light reading?” Cas genuinely smiled.

“Uh, I would say that the secret is out, but you already knew. Let’s go in the kitchen, you can watch a master at work.” Dean was trying to keep it light, comfortable. He started pulling things out of the cabinets and refrigerator. He heard the pop of the cork and saw Cas set a glass of wine on the counter before sitting down in a chair with his own.

“I didn’t even know that you like wine.”

“Add that to the list of things that Dean Winchester keeps as a deep dark secret. I really don’t want people to know that I’m a civilized human being.”

“So,” Cas took a deep breath. “When I came home last night…”

“We really don’t have to do this.”

“I want to, Dean. I need to. So when I came home last night I could tell that somebody had been in my house. I don’t know why, I just could. Which in all reality doesn’t make sense considering how many times you’ve been in there without my knowledge.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. I just…”

“I know, Dean. I went up to my room and changed, then to the kitchen to grab a drink, and that’s when I saw the note. Cryptic as hell, but I get it. “Upstairs or downstairs, take your pick”. I went downstairs first and found...this.”

“I was never trying to be nosy, Cas. I wasn’t trying to get into your shit. When I was down there with the electricians I saw box after box of wine. Those bottles belong in a legitimate rack.”

“So you built one by hand.”

“Well, yeah. I had materials left over that you’d already paid for…”

“It’s not just a rack, Dean. You basically built a wine cellar. Those bottles were Hester’s. I planned to eventually do something with them, but I wasn’t thinking about it when I drew up the design. You built almost an entire room while I was gone.”

“And maybe I shouldn’t have,” Dean said quietly, staring at the steaming pot, watching the pasta cook.

“No, you shouldn’t have because I didn’t ask you to. But you did, and it’s something that I never would have designed. Then I went upstairs, to the attic. Where did you find all of those things.”

“They were actually here when I moved in. None of it belongs to me so I thought I should return it.”

“My drawings and blueprints? Some of them dating back to when I was in college? Models that I’ve built? When I started teaching, I just threw that shit in a box and tucked it away in a corner.”

“Where it didn’t belong,” Dean finally turned around. “Maybe I overstepped, and I’m sorry if I did, but I’m not going to offer to fix it for you this time. The amount of time and effort you put into designing that house, I took liberties and added a few touches. You have some expensive bottles. Hell, look at the bottle on the table. That wouldn’t come cheap. Maybe I did it for the sake of the wine.”

“No you didn’t,” Cas said softly. “Just like you didn’t frame my blueprints or build shelves for my models for the sake of the blueprints or models.”

“They deserve to be displayed, and not sit in a box in my rental closet.”

Dean turned back to the stove. Dinner was almost ready. “If you want to take it all down, Cas, feel free.”

“I don’t, Dean. That’s why I thanked you. Do you know how long it’s been since somebody did something nice for me without expecting anything in return?”

“Is that what last night was?”

“What? Repayment? No. I came here with the intention of sharing this bottle with my friend. As a way of thanking you. That’s it. The rest just...happened. I thought about what you said, about regret. Maybe all of those years of being told that I’d burn in hell for something like that still does live in the back of my mind. I don’t believe it, but it was so ingrained that it’s still there and it will be until I find a way to let it go.”

“Um, not to kill the mood because I really do want you to keep talking, but dinner is ready. Talk while we eat?”

“Yeah, of course. More wine?”

“Yeah, of course,” Dean grinned, setting the food down and taking the chair across from Cas.

“But you were wrong this morning.”

Dean looked up and Cas finally met his eyes. “It wouldn’t be the first time, but I meant what I said.”

“I know you did, that you do. But just because I’m a teacher doesn’t mean that I get it. I teach the same thing over and over again. It’s not subjective or up for interpretation. I teach facts. So learning? I learn just like everyone else. I fall down and then stand up and brush myself off. I create a persona so that I don’t lose who I really am when I’m alone and answer to myself. I write a huge check and then hope that my vision comes to life. I make decisions, even if they are based on emotions running high, and I decide whether it was the right or wrong thing for me. I can’t decide that for anyone other than myself. I don’t regret the times I’ve fallen down, I don’t regret being Professor Novak by day, I don’t regret writing that check, and I don’t regret coming here last night. I regret sneaking out and doing a walk of shame across my own backyard,” Cas finished quietly. He finally picked up his fork and began to eat, alternately drinking wine to keep his hands from shaking.

“I’m not saying that fully understand what happened. All I know is that if you would have stayed, I would have gotten up and brewed the coffee.”

\-------------------------

They finished dinner, they finished off the bottle of wine, and both sat back in their chairs feeling tipsy and confused. They didn’t know where to go. Was last night just a one time thing? Was Cas supposed to get up and walk back across the lawn? “Well,” Dean finally said, tossing his napkin on the table. “I understand if you need to get back to your place, but you’re welcome to hang out. Watch a movie, lay on the floor and listen to the music too loud, it’s up to you.” Dean slid his chair back and got up to clear the dishes. He stopped when he felt Cas gently grab his wrist. Cas stood and wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck, Dean’s own arms slowly circled Cas’s waist. His skin still had the faint scent of the body wash they had used in the shower. Dean pressed his lips lightly against Cas’s neck. Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was the need, he didn’t know. He just waited for Cas to tense or step away. He stumbled backwards when their mouths met, stopped by the kitchen counter. Cas leaned in and kissed him passionately before pulling away to rest his chin on Dean’s shoulder. “What am I doing?” he whispered. Dean tilted his head back, wishing that Cas didn’t need to question himself. “You’re living your life. You can walk out that door if you need to.” His breath caught when he felt Cas’s hand slip between them and cup his crotch, his thumb sliding along the zipper. He could feel himself growing hard and moaned when Cas’s hand was replaced by his own hard cock pressing against Dean’s hip through his jeans. “No I can’t. Not if you want me to stay,” Cas whispered. Dean quietly led him down the hallway and slowly stripped them both before climbing into bed. Cas’s hands and mouth were like silk across Dean’s skin. He gasped when he felt teeth gently bite down on his nipple before stopping to suck. He was arching against Cas’s lips as they traveled across his stomach and along his hips, kissing and sucking, pulling blood to the surface. He was rock hard, throbbing, and he knew. He reached to fumble in his nightstand drawer. “Cas?” He felt an almost cold chill when Cas pulled his mouth away from his warm skin. “Maybe taking this all the way will help you get past that idea in the back of your head that it's wrong.” He pressed the small bottle into Cas’s palm and slid the pillows under his hips. “But, it’s up to you,” he said quietly. There was enough moonlight from the small window for him to see Cas’s outline when he sat up, he felt the hesitation. “Start with your fingers, take it slow, and I’ll tell you if you need to stop,” he whispered, pulling Cas to him for a deep kiss before letting him go and spreading his legs. He heard the cap on the bottle open and became nervous, his body trembling. He tried to relax when he felt a finger slide against him, pressing, slipping inside. He took even breaths until his body adjusted and wanted more. “Another one,” he whispered, wincing silently when he felt it. It was almost white hot, and he knew that Cas could feel the tension. “Dean…” He kept trying to breathe, trying to take his mind somewhere else and ignore it. “It’s okay, I’ll let you know if it’s too much”. Then he felt it and his body reacted. His hips lifted and his cock twitched. There was pain, but that small graze of Cas’s finger inside of him was like nothing he’d ever felt before. “There,” he panted. “Right there.” He felt it again and was almost oblivious to the third finger, the pressure and the stretching. “You,” he moaned. “I need to feel you.” He could sense the hesitation again when he rocked against Cas’s fingers, just waiting and wanting. Cas pulled his fingers out and buried his cock deep in one quick motion. It was searing and Dean felt what seemed like a weight on his chest, making it hard to breathe. He was relieved that it was dark, he didn’t want Cas to see it in his eyes. “Just give me a minute,” he groaned. He shifted and arched, watching Cas’s silhouette until he felt it again and let out a loud moan. He was in a different place when Cas started slowly thrusting. His hips rose to meet the thrusts, his cock became trapped against the fine sheen of sweat on their warm flesh when Cas bent down and held him in a long kiss, their bodies moving together. There was pain, but the pleasure was something that he couldn’t describe, he didn’t know that a pleasure like this existed. His chest was heaving when pressed his hand to the back of Cas’s head, their lips meeting passionately. It was building in his stomach, the silky skin trapped between their taut bodies was sensitive and throbbing. He didn’t think that he’d come, he’d done this for Cas, but he felt the power of the release and cried out, rocking his hips faster. His hands ran down Cas’s back and squeezed his ass, encouraging him. He whispered soft words begging him to come until, with one final hard thrust, Cas’s body tensed and Dean’s name became a vague echo. He was panting, sweat running down his hairline when Dean wrapped his strong arms around him and let their bodies meld.

\-------------------------

It was Cas who led Dean to the shower, using soft hands on a body that he knew would be sore. He understood why Dean did what he did and it made tears well up. 

\-------------------------

“Do you want me to make coffee in the morning? Or do you need to make the walk across the yard? It’s up to you, Cas. I understand either way.”

“Do you have cream and sugar?”

“Yes I have cream and sugar,” Dean smiled, pulling Cas to him and pressing a kiss against his temple. They walked from the bathroom back to the bedroom and let the towels fall from their hips before climbing into bed. Cas curled up and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder, distracted by the feeling of Dean’s fingers trailing across his skin. “So that part of you, that idea in the back of your head…”

“It’s gone,” Cas said softly. “Nothing about this felt wrong. It’s not wrong. Maybe it’s cheesy, but everything about this moment feels right.”

“It’s not cheesy, Cas,” Dean turned his head and pressed their lips together gently. “It’s living.”

\-------------------------

Dean had to smile at Cas. He looked pretty cute when he stumbled into the kitchen, yawning and rubbing his eyes, his bed head worse than normal. He’d pulled on his boxers and jeans, but hadn’t bothered with a t-shirt. He was still nervous and unsure until Dean reached out and wrapped one arm around him, pulling him close. “Listen, I don’t know what any of this means,” he murmured in his ear, “but you’re still here and I’m brewing coffee, so that’s something, right?” Dean smiled.

“I don’t think that I’ve ever actually had a real friend, as pathetic as that sounds. At least not one that was willing to go to the lengths that you have.”

“I get something out of it too.”

“I don’t just mean last night, although I do appreciate you telling me that. I mean in general,” Cas said softly.

“So do I. Let’s stop worrying about it and take me up on an invitation to enjoy a lazy Sunday together.”

\-------------------------

Cas smiled when he heard Dean’s soft snore from behind him. He was laying between Dean’s legs, his back against his chest while they tried to watch a movie. He pulled a blanket up over them and held on to Dean’s arms that were wrapped loosely around him. He closed his eyes and drifted off, unable to remember the last time his life made this much sense.

\------------------------- 

They had finished the Chinese take-out and were both avoiding looking at the clock.

“Are you working this week?” Cas finally questioned. 

“Yeah, just a bath remodel. I basically stand around and make sure that everybody shows up on time and gets their shit done. It’s only a few days, but it’s work. You have early class?”

“I have an 8:00 and I was hoping to hit the gym first.

 

“So I guess that uh…”

“Yeah,” Cas said softly. “I should probably get going.”

They stood up and Dean walked him to the door, waiting to feel Cas’s arms around him. His slid his hand up the side of Cas’s face and kissed him softly. “Back to the real world,” he whispered, pressing their foreheads together.

“You’re just as real to me as anything else, Dean. Maybe more so.” Cas kissed him again and pulled away, his blue eyes bright as he ran his hand down Dean’s chest. Dean stood in the doorway and watched Cas walk across the lawn.

He shut off the lights and crawled into a bed that still smelled like them. He fell asleep slowly, holding the pillow that Cas had used against his bare chest.

\-------------------------

Dean appreciated the small indoor jobs mostly because he didn’t have to wear all of the safety gear and it was more like putting together a puzzle than doing construction. He had to make sure the guy showed up with the vanity, sink and toilet. Next were the guys to install the jetted garden tub. A plumber to tie it all together. Then the flooring went in and the paint went up. When he was lucky, it all fell into place. This job seemed to be lucky. They were ready for the plumber in the morning. 

He made it back to the office early and was able to sign off on materials requests and sort through pictures to put in their sample book and on the website. He smiled at the pictures of the Novak house. 

 

\-------------------------

He was just throwing some clothes on after his shower when he heard his Skype alert. He answered and saw one of the most beautiful pairs of eyes he’d ever seen. “Hey princess,” he smiled.

“Hi Uncle Dean! Mommy said that I could call you on the computer so that I could show you where I lost my tooth. See,” Claire pulled her lip back to show the small space between two even smaller teeth.

“Wow! Did it hurt?” he asked dramatically.

“Nope. Not at all. Daddy kept telling me to stop playing with it, but I did it anyway.”

“You should probably listen to your daddy.”

“That’s what mommy said, but he can’t do anything about it now.”

Dean had to cover his mouth to keep himself from laughing. Sometimes that little girl had an attitude just like his. His poor brother couldn’t get away from it, and he loved it. “That’s true, he can’t, but you should still listen to him,” he finally said when he’d regained his composure. “Did the tooth fairy come?”

“Not yet. Probably tonight. Mommy said that you were building a big house.”

“I don’t build them, princess. I help fix them up so that they look nice again. Did your mom show you the pictures that I sent her?”

“Yes. I even saw her talk to the man who owns it. He seems nice. His eyes are pretty.”

Dean chuckled, Cas did have beautiful eyes. “He is nice. I actually live in a really small house behind his big house now.”

“Why do you live in a small house and he lives in a big house? Does he have a wife and lots of kids?”

“Nope, he lives there all by himself.”

“That’s a really big house for just one person. I hope that he doesn’t get lonely.”

“Well I will tell him that you said that. I’m sure he’ll appreciate your concern. Are your mom or dad around?”

“Yeah, I’ll go find them. I love you Uncle Dean.”

“I love you too, princess.”

Dean watched her walk away, yelling for Sam or Jess and finally started to laugh. Jess’s face came into view and she just rolled her eyes. “What did she say this time?”

“She is such a Winchester!”

“Oh trust me, I know,” Jess shook her head. Dean could see Sam coming up behind her.

“Well it’s a damn good thing that Sam still doesn’t know about that weekend you and I spent in…”

“Funny Dean.”

“What Sam? She acts more like me than she does like you. And she looks just like Jess so there’s really no way of knowing…”

“Okay, okay, stop.” Jess laughed.

“Fine, if you don’t want to ‘fess up, I’m not going to make you. So how is everything?” his voice softened. As much as they’d fought growing up, his brother meant everything to him.

“Uh good. Same old. Working too many hours, paying bills, arguing with my six year old about playing with her loose tooth.”

“If you lost that argument, it makes me wonder how effective you are in a courtroom,” Dean grinned.

“I’m a sucker for blue eyes and blonde hair.”

“I know, blue eyes can steal a man’s soul.”

“Tell me about it. Well, things suddenly got quiet and when she’s quiet it’s usually not a good thing. So, we’ll talk later?”

“Yeah, goodnight Sam. And Jess, I just wanted to thank you for helping Cas out. The house looks great.”

“If you talk to him, ask him if I can have pictures of the finished product.”

“If I run into him I’ll ask him. Tell the princess that Uncle Dean said goodnight. We’ll talk soon.”

Dean closed his computer and leaned back. He loved his brother and Jess, that little girl meant everything to him, but every time they talked he saw that he never could have lived that life. A guest house in Maine with a complicated and questionable relationship with his male landlord wasn’t exactly the life he pictured either. He ran his hands down his face and got up to grab a beer before he sat back down and picked up his book. He wanted to go to Cas, to at least call or text, but he didn’t know where things stood. He hated this shit, the wondering and the guessing. He wasn’t the type of guy who needed, or even wanted, to sit down and talk. He went in his room to read. He didn’t want to check to see what lights were on in Cas’s house, he didn’t want to know if his car came and went, he didn’t want to be that guy.

\-------------------------

They didn’t need him at the jobsite. They didn’t need him at the office. He thought about going somewhere, maybe driving out to the shore. He got as far as the next town and after stopping to get something to eat, he turned around and went home. He finally sat at the kitchen table with his laptop and started playing with the program he’d used when he’d taken Cas’s seminar. After all of the historic homes he’d seen since, his project looked almost ridiculous to him. He started a new one, something that resembled a Victorian, but was all Dean Winchester.

\-------------------------

He’d been staring at the computer for so long he was starting to feel a dull throb behind his eyes. He’d heard the car come down the drive and the engine cut over an hour ago, but he tried to ignore it. Finally he stood up and grabbed the mug from where it had been sitting since he’d washed and dried it that first morning. He crossed the lawn and knocked gently. The mug was hanging off of his finger by the handle when Cas opened the door. 

“I didn’t know if you wanted this back. It doesn’t match the rest of my fine china, but I’m happy to hang on to it if you don’t need it,” he grinned. Cas smiled back and opened the door wide to let him past. He set the mug on the table and looked Cas up and down. “Sticking with the professor get up?”

“Yeah well, it’s midterms. You’d think I’d be smart and write up multiple choice, but my dumb ass ends up going with short essay. It always seems like a good idea until I have to read them all instead of just running their answers through a program. It’s not like they do any of this shit on paper.”

“So why the short essay?”

“I’d like to think that they listen to me.”

“I had a teacher like that once. Real pain in the ass. Short essay tests, final paper, final project. The guy was a slavedriver,” Dean smiled. “I am here for more than just the mug, although I’m sure it’s disappearance has been weighing on your mind. I talked to Jess last night. She was wondering if you would be willing to send her pics of the rooms that she helped design.”

“Uh yeah, of course. It’s not like I really use them, they still look exactly like they did the day the furniture was delivered.”

“Maybe you should consider that dinner party you’ve been dying to throw.”

“Still haven’t found 14 other people that I like,” Cas smiled nervously.

“Short guest list,” Dean reached out to wrap his arms around Cas, quelling his nerves. “I like the table in here better anyway.”

“It’s no Ikea masterpiece, but…”

“Shut up,” Dean chuckled, pressing his lips to Cas’s temple. 

“I’ve been wanting to come to the guest house or text or something…”

“Cas, you’re not obligated.”

“I didn’t say that I felt obligated. I’ve been wanting to. I don’t know...I just…”

“You can text me, call me, knock on my door, crawl through my window, do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. I don’t want to play this guessing game. If you want to see me or talk to me, chances are I want to see you or talk to you.” He tilted Cas’s chin and kissed him softly. “I’m going to be totally honest here, Cas. If I’m going to lose my best friend because we’ve slept together, then we won’t sleep together. But if there’s a way…” Cas cut him off with a slow kiss. “I guess that answers that,” Dean whispered, pulling Cas closer. “You know, this whole Professor thing is kind of hot.”

“Shut up,” Cas chuckled. “Are you hungry?”

“Always.”

“Do you want to go get something to eat?”

“Oh, you meant food,” Dean grinned.

“Yes food, but you are more than welcome to help me out of my Professor disguise.”

\-------------------------

“I was right about the whole suit and tie thing. Definitely hot,” Dean panted, holding himself up on his elbows. He could feel their cocks going limp between their sticky stomachs, sweat was running down his face. He dipped his head and pressed his lips to Cas’s, parting them to deepen the kiss. He slid his mouth slowly across Cas’s neck, nipping and gently sucking.

“If you keep that up, we’re never going to make it out of this room to get something to eat,” Cas said, still breathing heavily.

“That’s right,” Dean murmured against Cas’s shoulder. “We were going to get food.”

“C’mon,” Cas laughed. “Let’s get in the shower and wash this mess off.”

“Mess? What just happened was a beautiful thing between two human beings,” Dean grinned.

“That made a mess. We are both sticky, sweaty, and starving.”

“Okay,” Dean groaned, rolling off of Cas. “The voice of reason speaks. Show me the way.”

\-------------------------

Dean put the car in park and sighed. Sex, dinner, conversation, he couldn’t remember the last time he felt this content. 

“Do you want to come in?”

“Um, don’t you have tests to grade?”

Cas reached for Dean’s hand and intertwined their fingers. “Yes, and if you behave I’ll let you help me grade them. You’ve taken the course.”

“And if I don’t behave?”

“Then you are welcome to sit next to me and watch.”

Dean groaned and let Cas lead him into the house. 

\-------------------------

Dean was sprawled on the couch, resting his chin on Cas’s shoulder while Cas sat between his legs, his laptop propped against his thighs. “That one’s wrong, the Folk Victorian didn’t become a popular design until the late 19th century.”

Cas turned his head and laughed, “I should just let you do this. You’re even tougher than I am.”

Dean bent his head for a kiss, “how many more?”

“Just one.”

“You really should reconsider the whole multiple choice thing.”

“Tell me about it, I’ve been at this for two days. Now do you understand why I’m not a popular teacher?”

“You’re my favorite college professor,” Dean smiled, nipping at Cas’s earlobe.

“And you’re the teacher’s pet. So um, do you want to stay?”

“It’s a short commute home. I’d love to stay,” Dean whispered.

\-------------------------

“Mmmmm...not that I want you to stop. We did this earlier and I would love to do it again, but don’t you have to be up early?”

“Yes,” Cas said quietly, straddling Dean where he sat leaning against the headboard. “But I could hear you and I could feel you the other night. I need to know.”

“Do you have any…”

“In the nightstand.”

Dean reached for the new bottle and pulled Cas to him, sliding his hand between their bodies to trail his fingers up the silky skin of Cas’s hard shaft, eliciting a moan. He knew the pain, but the knew the pleasure as he dripped lube on his fingers and quickly slipped one inside, taking Cas by surprise. He moved it in and out, running his lips down Cas’s neck and along his shoulder. He pressed his hand against Cas’s back, holding him in a deep kiss when he slid the second finger in, probing and searching until he heard the gasp and felt the deep groan. He smiled slowly, gently working his fingers, stretching, touching the spot that made Cas forget about everything else. He pulled his fingers out to grasp Cas’s hips, lifting him to his knees, moaning when he felt Cas’s body slide down his slick cock, taking him inside. “I know,” he whispered “we’ll wait.” Their hands were soft and their mouths hot when Dean reached between them and wrapped his fingers around Cas, stroking slowly. With a moan, Cas leaned back and gripped Dean’s thighs, moving his body along with the slow strokes. Dean shifted his hips until he heard the gasp and gently thrust, watching Cas slide up and down, his whimpers and soft moans letting Dean know that he felt it, he knew. They rocked, Dean grasping Cas’s hip, squeezing and stroking him with his other hand. He bent his head to trail his lips across Cas’s shoulders, biting softly and gently sucking. His cock was throbbing, his hand moving faster along Cas’s length. Cas’s body tensed, he dug his fingers into Dean’s thighs when he cried out. Dean felt the warm sticky fluid on his hand as he continued to squeeze gently, thrusting his hips. His own release was building. He reached for Cas and pulled him down hard, burying himself deep when he came with a loud groan. He wrapped his arms around him and held him in a deep kiss, stilling his body before he became too sensitive to touch. “Are you okay,” he murmured against Cas’s swollen lips. He understood the pain. “I’m fine,” Cas whispered back, dazed and trembling. They sat with their bodies pressed together until Dean went limp and with a last kiss, Cas climbed off of the bed and again led him to the shower.

\-------------------------

Dean’s soapy hands were soft as they ran across Cas’s body under the warm water. He could feel the exhaustion in both of them when he used the thick towels to dry them off and finally pull the blanket over them when they had crawled back into the large bed. He pressed his lips to the top of Cas’s head where it was laying on his chest. “Thank you,” Cas whispered, “that was...” Dean rested his cheek against the damp hair, “I know. It was something you can’t describe.” He pulled Cas closer, trailing his fingers up and down his back until he heard the soft even breaths. 

\-------------------------

After a few sleepy morning kisses he got dressed and went downstairs, letting himself out the back door to cross the yard. He tried to go back to sleep, but felt more restless than tired. It had been over an hour since he’d heard Cas’s car pull out of the driveway. He got up and grabbed his car keys.

\-------------------------

“Are you in Professor Novak’s 8:00?”

The young man just looked at Dean and nodded.

“He left this on the counter, would you mind giving it to him?”

The young man took the coffee with cream and sugar, and the note, from Dean’s hands and walked into the classroom, setting it on Cas’s desk. Cas looked at it with surprise and opened the note.

“The polite part of me says that I should feel guilty about keeping you up most of the night. I guess it’s a good thing that I ignore that part. Text, call, knock, or climb through the window. 

-D” 

Dean smiled and walked away before Cas could see him. He didn’t have a job site to be at, he didn’t need to be at the office. He went back home and laid on the couch, only making it a few minutes into the movie before he was softly snoring.

\-------------------------

He felt the couch dip and smelled the warm flesh, reaching out without opening his eyes. Cas settled in his arms and pulled a blanket over them.

“What are we watching?” Cas asked quietly.

“Dunno,” Dean murmured, rolling on his side to hold Cas against him. “What time is it?”

“It’s just before noon. No afternoon classes today. Some hot guy brought me coffee this morning, but I think the caffeine is wearing off,” Cas yawned.

“Hot guy? Should I be jealous?”

Cas smiled slowly and shivered when he felt Dean’s breath. “Are you the jealous type?”

“Depends on how hot he was.”

“Skinny, probably about 19, blonde hair…”

“Asshole…”

“I’m no expert, but he was no Dean Winchester.”

“That’s better,” Dean smiled, pressing his lips to the back of Cas’s neck.

\-------------------------

Cas’s eyes were still heavy when he opened them. He felt the hard body behind him and the strong arms around him. “How long have you been awake?” he yawned.

“About an hour.”

“And you’ve just been laying here?”

“Other than reaching for the remote, yeah.”

“You could have gotten up.”

“Nah, I’m fine. I mean once the tingling turned into total numbness in my right arm, I was fine,” Dean grinned, placing a kiss on the top of Cas’s head. 

“Did it really…”

“No,” Dean laughed. “I wanted to let you sleep. I figured I’d just make you buy me dinner or something as a thank you for my undying patience.”

“I have food at the big house, I’ll cook.”

“You mean like microwave something while we listen to classical music? You really need to get a couple of cats.”

“No cats,” Cas chuckled. “And no microwave or classical music. How about real food and classic rock?”

“Okay Professor, that I can handle. But, my guess is that you grocery shop like a bachelor, so you can probably put together one hell of sandwich and you have the closest pizza delivery joint on speed dial.”

“Speaking from experience?”

“Years and years of experience.”

“It’s not a hell of a sandwich, by the way, it’s art. I can put together a sandwich masterpiece.”

“Now I’m intrigued,” Dean said, burying his face in Cas’s neck, kissing and nipping.

“C’mon, let’s head over to the big house.”

“Big house? Are you planning to imprison me? Do you have handcuffs?”

Cas rolled off of the couch and stretched. “Let’s go,” he grinned.

\-------------------------

They were both thinking it as they sat across the table from one another. There was comfort in sharing a bed, the warm skin and musky scent. Dean knew that Cas had to get up early, he knew that Cas was still sore, but if he were to be honest with himself, he didn’t want to sleep alone. He was already becoming attached. Maybe it would be better if he took the walk across the yard in the dark. “Well, I know that you have to get up early so I guess I’ll uh, get out of your hair and let you get some sleep.” He stood up to set his beer bottle on top of the full trash can and rinse off his plate. 

“You can stay,” Cas said quietly.

“I don’t want to keep you up all night.”

“I wasn’t propositioning you, Dean. I just thought that maybe…”

Dean looked into those blue eyes, gave Cas a small smile, and nodded, “Yeah, okay. Let me take this garbage out and we’ll go to bed.”

\-------------------------

“Go back to sleep,” Cas whispered when Dean started to stretch. 

“But you…” Dean yawned.

“Yeah, I have to get up and go to work. You don’t. Stay in bed.”

“You aren’t even going to ask me to join you in the shower?” 

“Not unless you want to come to the University with me and shower after I’m done at the gym,” Cas smiled.

“Okay, that would be weird.”

“I’m pretty sure that my co-workers would think so. Now go back to sleep and I’ll see you when I get home.” Neither realized that Cas was making an assumption, but neither realized that they wouldn’t sleep alone again. This was their new normal. They kissed gently and Dean was already softly snoring by the time Cas closed the door behind him.

\-------------------------

Dean worked small interior jobs, but Cas had stopped cashing his rent checks. Dean wrote them, Cas put them in a drawer. Most nights were spent at the big house, some weekends at the guest house. Dean declined his boss’s invitation for Thanksgiving dinner, knowing that it was the first that Cas would be celebrating without his aunt. They went to the shore, together and alone.

\-------------------------

“It’s so different,” Dean said quietly, staring at the ocean. “I go to Cali and it’s pretty much what you expect. It’s bright and it’s loud. I mean it’s beautiful, but this…” 

Cas wrapped his arms around his chest from behind and rested his chin on Dean’s shoulder. “Maine, Massachusetts...it’s all I’ve ever known. Not much in the way of beaches, the water is always cold.”

“But there’s power here, Cas. The sounds, the smells, the shades of dark blue and gray. The way the water hits the rocks, it’s violent, almost primal. I don’t know…”

They stood, the thick fog soaking their clothes, watching the waves crash against the boulders. Cas’s world changed when he could see it through Dean’s eyes. He never saw the beauty in gray, he never believed that his drawings and blueprints belonged in frames, he never craved the feeling of somebody’s skin. He’d been so afraid that first night, in so many way he still was. Dean’s arrogance, his charm, his insecurities and tenderness, it all made Cas feel things that he couldn’t describe. The idea of finding a best friend and a lover, it had always been a myth. It was something found in books or movies, not in his arms staring almost awe struck at the Atlantic Ocean on Thanksgiving day.

Cas didn’t know how long they stood like that, cold and shivering, while Dean talked and he just listened. It was growing dark when they made their way through the fog and back to the car.

\-------------------------

Cas looked up from where he was putting away laundry left over from their long weekend and tried not to laugh when he watched the book slip from Dean’s hands. It bounced once before it landed on the floor next to the bed, leaving a small dent in his forehead. He scowled when he pulled his buzzing phone out of his pocket. “Hey Sam,” he whined. “No, I’m fine. I just dropped something.” Cas knew that it wasn’t fair when he climbed on the bed and crawled slowly up Dean’s prone body. He pushed the thin t-shirt out of the way before pressing his lips to the warm skin of Dean’s stomach, trailing them along the waistband of his jeans, slipping his tongue inside. “Yeah, of course I’m uh, coming out there.” Cas slid his hands up Dean’s sides, pushing his t-shirt further, running his mouth along the defined muscles on his chest. “I’ll probably make it to mom and dad’s a few days before Christmas,” Dean said evenly, groaning softly when Cas pulled a sensitive nipple gently between his teeth. “You are so fucking mean,” Dean whispered, moving the phone away from his mouth. “Yeah I’m planning on driving...no no I’m okay, nothing’s wrong,” Dean almost panted. Cas straddled him, forcing him to switch his phone to his other hand when he tugged his shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor. He dropped his own on top of it before bending over, pressing their bodies together, nipping and sucking on Dean’s neck. “Probably three or four days depending on the weather,” Dean’s breath shuddered. “No, my boss doesn’t mind uh...me taking that much time off. It’s our slow season.” He tilted his head back against the pillow and rocked his hips slowly. “You are seriously an asshole,” he whispered. “Give Jess and Claire my love and I’ll call you when I get all of the details worked out. Talk to you later Sammy.” He dropped his phone on the nightstand and rolled Cas on his back, trapping him against the mattress. “You are so going to pay for that,” he smiled, holding Cas’s hands above his head before pressing their lips together, encouraging Cas to part his. His grasp loosened and Cas’s hands slid down his back, reaching for his ass while tilting his hips. The layers of denim, the zippers pressing painfully against them was too much when Dean crawled off of the end of the bed and reached for Cas’s belt. Cas heard the metallic sound of the buckle hitting the hardwood and smiled as he turned and reached into the nightstand. He spread his legs and held the bottle to Dean’s palm. He heard the cap open and wrapped his fingers around himself, stroking slowly, letting Dean watch. He groaned against the first finger, winced at the second. He barely felt the third as Dean skimmed his fingertip against the spot inside of him that made him lose himself. The pain was still deep and his hand stopped moving when Dean buried his cock. “Touch yourself,” Dean whispered thickly. Cas opened his heavy lidded eyes just enough to take in the flat stomach, the muscled arms and chest, the green eyes and full lips of his lover. He ran his hand down the length of his cock and felt Dean’s groan as he gripped his hips hard enough to leave marks. Dean was transfixed by Cas when he thrust slowly, bringing an audible gasp. He watched his slick cock slide in and out, he watched Cas’s hand wrapped around his own throbbing shaft and felt the familiar tightening in his stomach. He rocked harder when Cas’s eyes grew glossy, his pupils lust blown, and his mouth opened, caught somewhere between a smile and a wince. It was a look of inexplicable pleasure. Cas arched his body and cried out when he came, the sticky fluid dripping between his fingers and pooling on his stomach. Dean’s grip tightened, pulling Cas’s hips against him when he moved with a few final deep thrusts and came hard with a loud groan, his chest heaving. He caressed Cas’s thighs softly with his work calloused hands, sliding them up his sides when he finally bent and held their bodies together. Their lips met for a long slow kiss. “So, that’s how I pay for teasing you while you’re on the phone,” Cas slowly smiled. “Yeah, I guess the punishment didn’t exactly fit the crime,” Dean panted. “Oh, I think it definitely fit the crime,” Cas mumbled against Dean’s mouth, pressing their lips together.

\-------------------------

“So, three or four days to drive to Kansas and then a few days there, a couple of more days to drive to California and then a few days there, plus all of the drive time back. You’re talking probably close to three weeks, most of it spent in your car,” Cas said quietly, his head resting on Dean’s chest.

“I always drive.”

“You don’t ever fly? Save yourself the time?”

“I like driving. There’s something about open roads and loud music,” Dean answered, not wanting to admit to his fear.

Dean hated that Cas was going to be alone in this big house. Cas’s aunt had passed away in the early spring, this was his first year without her. A part of him wanted to invite Cas, to tell his family that yes he had a lover, but he knew that it wasn’t that easy. None of it was that easy. It shouldn’t be complicated, not these days, but it was. He remembered Thanksgiving night when Cas had to calm him after a motel clerk looked out over an empty parking lot and said that he didn’t have a room with a single king bed. Principle wasn’t going to get Dean out of the cold and give him a place to sleep, Cas reasoned. He paid for the two single rooms that were offered. They never even opened the door to the second room, but for the first time Dean felt the sting of discrimination. That night they held each other in the dark and talked about small towns with antiquated notions, testosterone fueled workplaces, prestigious private universities. The bigger picture had changed, but there were still corners where the ideas were the same. His father was an ex Marine from the midwest, Dean didn’t know what John Winchester thought about the bigger picture, he did know that Christmas was probably not the time to find out. “I’ve never even been on a plane before and just the thought scares the shit out of me,” he finally said softly.

“There’s nothing wrong with that. I wasn’t trying to…”

“I know, Cas,” Dean whispered, pulling him closer. “I didn’t realize how long you would be here alone.”

“You don’t need to worry about me, Dean. I’m a grown man. I’ll be fine.”

“I know you will. Maybe it’s me, maybe I don’t want to be gone that long. God, I sound really fucking needy.”

“No, you don’t,” Cas leaned up to kiss him softly. “You sound like somebody who’s gotten used to seeing my face every day and sharing a bed with me every night.”

“There’s more to it than that Cas…”

“I know, but we don’t need to talk about that tonight. You need to see your family and you can’t do it in a way that makes you uncomfortable. It’s only a few weeks. I probably shouldn’t have brought it up. You don’t need to feel needy or guilty.”

“It’s not about the guilt as much as it is about the need. I don’t know what it is, Cas. About you, about this.”

“Well, I do know that after three weeks we may not make it as far as the bedroom when you get home, even if you are tired from driving,” Cas laughed.

“No, we probably won’t,” Dean smiled, pressing his lips to the top of Cas’s head.

\-------------------------

Cas ignored his phone until the last student had left his 10:00 class. He sighed deeply before sitting down and picking it up. It was a screenshot, an itinerary of a flight departing Bangor International Airport on December 22nd arriving in Kansas City with a layover in Chicago. The return date was January 2nd. He closed his eyes, smiled, and shook his head when the second text came through.

“I’m going to need a ride to the airport.”

\-------------------------

Dean was on the phone when Cas walked through the door and he fought the urge to touch him when he realized that he was talking to his mother. He kissed him gently and silently on the neck before going into the kitchen to grab a beer for each of them. 

“Yeah, well the roads up here get pretty icy and there are a lot of miles on that engine. I just thought it was for the best if I flew...Yes I know that I’m afraid of flying, mom but it’s a little late. I already paid for the tickets...No, I’ll stay sober for this one,” he laughed. “Tell dad that I have her parked in a garage and my landlord has the keys in case something happens,” Dean lied. He had a cover to throw over his car and convinced Cas that as soon as it warmed up they needed to build a garage. “Yeah, the 22nd in Kansas City...I’ll email you the info. I’ve uh, got to go but tell dad that I said hi and I’ll call you in a few days.”

He turned when he felt the arms wrap around his body and kissed Cas properly. “You didn’t have to do that,” Cas said softly.

“Yes, I did. I’m a grown man and it’s time to face my fears. I just needed motivation. Now I need to figure out how to get away with doing this drunk,” he grinned, taking the beer from Cas’s hand.

“They kind of frown upon that. We’ll load an ipod with a shitload of good music and you can just sit back and try to relax.”

“Can we take a few naughty pics? Maybe video?” Dean smiled, trailing his fingers down the side of Cas’s face.

“Um, I’m actually all for that, but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t help in the relaxation department.”

“Really? You’d be down for pics and video?”

“Yeah,” Cas grinned. “Remember, human Cas is a lot different than Professor Novak.”

“Okay, I am seriously so turned on right now,” Dean moaned.

“And I am seriously starving. But, we could jump in the shower before we go get something to eat.”

“Okay, now I’m hard and feeling the desperate need to shower. You lead, I’ll follow.”

\-------------------------

“Oh god,” Dean groaned, leaning back against the warm tile. “You have amazing hands.”

“Well, masturbation was something that was also frowned upon when I was growing up.”

“So you…”

“Did it as often as possible,” Cas grinned. “Although it is an adjustment doing it to someone else else. Especially since you have more to uh, work with than I do.”

“So explain the blow jobs,” Dean smiled.

“Natural instinct I guess. The rest of it is trial and error. Are we really standing in the shower trying to dissect why our sex life is so good?”

“Apparently, but it was unintentional. I’m just saying feel free to touch me anytime.”

“I always have. Let’s go eat and maybe catch a movie. When we get home I’ll let you do whatever you want to repay me,” Cas smiled.

“Whatever I want?”

“Well, as long as it’s legal in at least six states.”

“I can work with that,” Dean grinned.

\-------------------------

Cas didn’t put up a tree or lights. Dean knew that he didn’t want to celebrate, he didn’t feel like he had anything to celebrate. They’d promised not to exchange gifts, but Cas still gave Dean a wrapped pile of books and Dean still gave Cas a stack of records. They drove for hours to find a nice place for dinner, a place where nobody would give them strange looks for being together. They laid awake wondering how they were going to be able to fall asleep alone, especially Cas. He was going to have to sleep in the bed that they shared.

\-------------------------

Cas was watching Dean pack, trying not to fidget. He was nervous. He was nervous about Dean’s flight, he was nervous about trying to sleep alone, he was nervous that he was somehow responsible for Dean doing something that he wasn’t ready to do. Dean looked up and saw him chewing on his thumbnail, his eyes looking everywhere but the open suitcase. He stood and turned towards his lover.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Cas lied unconvincingly.

“No, what’s wrong?”

“I just...I hate the idea that you are doing this for me. I don’t want to be the guy who pushes you out of your comfort zone.”

“Cas,” Dean said gently, reached out to cup his face. “All we have done is pushed each other out of our comfort zones. I see that as a good thing. I try to get over my fear of flying and I come back home sooner.” He kissed Cas softly and let go, turning away to finish packing. “I’m going to tell them.”

“Your family?”

“Yeah, I’m going to tell them about you, about us. I’ve changed, and they’re going to see it.”

“You’ve been living on the other side of the country, of course you’ve changed,” Cas said softly.

“It’s more than that and they’ll know it. I’m not sure what my old man will say…”

“So don’t tell them. Enjoy the holidays with your family and drop this bombshell another time. This is our normal, it’s the life that we’ve gotten used to. Thinking about telling them and actually telling them are two different things, Dean. They don’t need to know yet.”

“But a part of me feels like I need to,” Dean turned again, his green eyes full of intensity and confusion.

“Why?”

“I’m different, Cas. I see things differently, and I can’t spend time with my family pretending like I’m not.”

“Do you really think you’re that different?” Cas questioned softly.

“My whole life I’ve just been ‘that guy’, pissed off and sarcastic, but never really worth anyone’s time. I can get women, I can fuck women, and they always come back. Now maybe that’s arrogant as hell for me to say, but it’s true. It took a long time for me to realize that maybe they used me just as much as I used them. None of them gave a shit, I didn’t give a shit. As far as everyone in Kansas is concerned, that’s who I still am. I work, I drink, I fuck, I fight. But what I see in you, what I see when I’m with you, it’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I mean, you tell me that I’m smart…”

“You ARE smart Dean. God, why do you have such a hard time believing it?”

“That’s the thing, I do believe it. I believe it when I hear your voice say the words. You laugh at me for dropping a book on my face, not for reading it. You know what I do for a living, you’ve seen my record collection, you’ve gotten drunk with me and called me an asshole. But, you’ve seen my books, my 3D model, you took me on a tour of historic homes, drank wine over dinner with me, and you didn’t question it. You’ve never looked at me and seen two sides, you just see me. You don’t understand how that makes me feel. The first night we spent together, everything about it felt right to me. All of the months leading up to it made sense, we made sense. The only regret that I had was that it may have somehow hurt you, because that’s the last fucking thing that I want. Something inside of me has shifted and it’s because of you. I left Kansas to get away from who I was and just be anonymous. I don’t want to be anonymous, not to you. Maybe I’m getting too heavy here, Cas. But when you talk to me, when you look at me, when you touch me, I’m in a different place.” He lowered his head and sighed. Sometimes Dean’s downfall was that he didn’t know when to stop talking. “I’m sorry, I’m going to go grab a beer, I’ve probably said too much…” Dean turned away when Cas reached for him.

“No, you haven’t. I get it. I mean, almost my entire life all I’ve heard were my failings. I had moments of respite with Hester or Meg, but they both saw what they wanted to see. I never held that against either one of them because I didn’t know who I really was. I’m the Professor, I’m the quiet bachelor who doesn’t talk to his neighbors, I secretly drink beer and listen to rock music. I’m the flip side of your coin, Dean. I go out into the world and I represent everything that you hide.”

“I don’t hide it, Cas. Nobody has ever cared enough or given me enough credit to ask.”

“Maybe that’s because you became way too comfortable living in your brother’s shadow. You fucked up the day that we met. You knew what style of house this is and you let it slip that there was a hell of a lot more to you than a hot construction foreman in tight jeans. I saw it, all of it, that day but I had no idea what to do about it. You keep letting me see it because you trust me. Do you know when I realized that this, between us, was happening? It wasn’t when I woke up in your bed or when I reached for your belt buckle. It wasn’t even when you kissed me. It was when I turned on the light in the attic. A tenant, even a friend, would have either just left that shit in the closet or dropped the box on my table. But you...you didn’t. You couldn’t, and I know that. Everything that was in that box represents what brought us together and that’s why it belongs in frames and on shelves. Not because it’s great work, because it’s what brought you here. Everything has changed for me over the last few months too, and that’s because you let me see things through your eyes. You show me beauty where I never would have found it. I was married for five years, but the things that I felt for her don’t even come close to how I feel just being in the same room with you. So don’t think for one minute that you’ve said too much when I’m standing here, not really knowing the first fucking thing about love, but somehow knowing that you are it.” Cas could feel the tears welling up while he watched Dean slowly move towards him, but he didn’t want to cry. He couldn’t. He let himself be pulled into Dean’s arms and tilted his head to look at the ceiling. “It’s the 21st goddamn century, Dean. But, there are places and people who still aren’t going to understand this, and I don’t know that it’s our job to make them.”

“I’m not ashamed, Cas. I never have been. I don’t regret any of this.”

“Neither do I, not since you helped me get past the demons left over from my childhood. But now is not the time to be dropping bombshells. We’ve both changed. We know what we are and we know what we have. We don’t need to explain ourselves to anyone.”

“I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to stand in a motel office again and pretend like I’m not going to share a bed with you.”

“I’m not saying that we have to hide, Dean. I’m saying that maybe we need to tread lightly. This is our life and our home and we don’t need to throw the doors open and invite everybody in right away. The dinner party for 16 can wait.”

“Other than my family, I have never told anybody that I love them,” Dean whispered, his voice catching.

“You don’t have to…”

“It scares the shit out of me, but the idea of losing you scares me more and I need you to know that before I get on that plane tomorrow. You,” Dean whispered, pressing his lips to Cas’s temple, “you’re everything that I never knew I needed. You are everything that I don’t deserve, but I know that I love you.”

As much as he wanted to, Cas couldn’t stop the tears. He didn’t, until that moment, know how desperately he’d needed to hear those words. “I love you too, Dean,” he said softly. “But your Christmas gift to your father doesn’t need to be that you are in love with a man. Give it time.”

“Why do I feel like I’m somehow disrespecting you...us...by not saying something? They will ask if I’m seeing someone and I don’t want to lie.”

“So creatively tell the truth. You’re going to tell them what you need to tell them, I can’t stop you and I’m not going to spend the rest of the night trying to talk you out of it. But, your silence isn’t disrespectful, it’s common sense. Facetime me. Send me a few dirty texts, or a lot of dirty texts. Tell me that you love me at some point. But don’t make this trip harder than it needs to be. I’ll still be here and we’ll still be here.”

“Why are you so perfect?” Dean murmured in Cas’s ear.

“That is one thing that I can’t see through your eyes,” he smiled. “But, you have to finish packing, we have a long drive to Bangor in the morning, and I would like to get naked with you before you leave.”

Dean smiled and pulled Cas closer, “You had me at get naked.”

“I figured I would.”

\-------------------------

They touched softly, a low fire burning in the fireplace, the suitcase forgotten on the floor. They’d realized in the beginning that there was no sub/dom dynamic in their relationship. They just needed to feel each other.

Dean’s mouth was hot as it moved across Cas’s supple skin, leaving goosebumps in it’s wake. His teeth were tender when they gently pulled a nipple between them, sucking until he felt the low moan. He kissed the subtle ridges of muscle on Cas’s stomach, sliding down to his hips, wrapping his fingers around his hard cock before sliding his tongue across the sensitive head. He waited for Cas to arch before taking it in his mouth. Cas moaned and lifted his hips, the swirling and sucking held an intensity that he’d never felt before. His eyes closed when he felt Dean lift his head and reach for the small bottle. His legs spread and he waited to feel it, his body starting to tremble. His gasp was audible when Dean’s slick hand touched him and caressed him. His eyes opened to watch Dean rise up on his knees and take Cas’s cock inside of him slowly. He groaned at the unexpected tight warmth, reaching down to grip Dean’s thighs. The fire cast enough light to make out the sheen of sweat on his lover’s chest, the line of his jaw when his head tilted back, the tautness of his stomach while he held his breath. Cas started stroking him, hoping to relax him. Dean moved slowly, arching and shifting until his body shivered and he reached for Cas’s chest, his arms shaking while he slid up and down. Dean’s chest heaved, his body tremored when he felt that spot, that indescribable pleasure rush through him. He rocked faster, his fingers digging into Cas’s chest as he whimpered and groaned. Cas’s hips were bucking, his hand stroking and squeezing, needing to feel the throbbing against his palm. Cas heard the guttural groan and watched him come, the sticky fluid spurting onto his stomach. “I’m right there,” Cas whispered, arching and thrusting until their bodies crashed together and he cried out. He was still squeezing gently when Dean sat up, his chest heaving and slicked with sweat, his hands sliding up Cas’s sides and across his chest, softly touching the places where his fingers had left marks. Cas reached for him and pulled him close, their bodies pressed together, their hearts still pounding against one another. “I love you, baby,” Dean panted, holding his hand against the side of Cas’s face and kissing him deeply. “I love you too,” Cas finally whispered, running his fingers up and down Dean’s back.

\-------------------------

They showered quickly, stoked the fire in the fireplace, and crawled under the sheets. Cas set the alarm so that they could get up early for the long drive to the airport.

\-------------------------

Dean was nervous. Hell, Dean was scared when he checked in and it came time to say goodbye to Cas. Cas wanted to comfort him, hold him or kiss him, but he wasn’t there yet. They weren’t ready for the looks and the whispers. The shared a bear hug and whispered words of love before he watched Dean’s back as he walked away, shaking and sweating. All Cas could do was go home and wait.

\-------------------------

Dean was pale but smiling when he facetimed him from Chicago.

“Well, no alcohol and I made it halfway there.”

“So it wasn’t that bad?” Cas smiled back.

“It totally sucked, and my ass hurts from last night,” Dean laughed. “But closing my eyes and listening to some tunes helped. Now I just have to make it to Kansas City in one piece. I have about another hour before my next flight so I think I’m going to go track down some food. This airport is fucking huge and packed.”

“That’s what happens when you fly during the holidays. Now go eat and maybe you can sleep between Chicago and Kansas City.”

“I doubt that, I’ll probably white knuckle it again. I’ll call you when I get there. I love you, Cas.”

“I love you too, now go eat.”

Cas walked around the house, nervous and impatient, waiting for the second call. He finally saw those green eyes again.

“Holy shit I am fucking exhausted. But there is something to be said about making it here in one day. Now I just have to prepare myself for Mary Winchester’s 20 questions,” Dean chuckled.

“How soon does she get to asking if you’ve met anyone or if you’re seeing anybody?” Cas grinned.

“She usually saves that for number three or number four. She goes for the general ones before she gets nosy. I’m going to warn you that if she comes right out and asks if I’m sleeping with my blue eyed landlord, I’m going to have to tell her the truth.”

Cas chuckled, “I can accept that, but it has to be those exact words.”

“Okay baby, well I can see them so I’m going to let you go. I’ll call you later. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

\-------------------------

Dean barely had his phone back in his pocket when the blonde woman wrapped her arms around him. “I’m so happy you’re here.”

“Thanks mom, so am I.” She was beautiful, the lilt of her voice, the smell of her apple shampoo all made him smile with childhood memories. He let go and was pulled into a bear hug by his father, the man that he resembled in almost every way. Mary used to tell him that’s why they fought, John and Dean Winchester were too much alike.

“Let’s get your bags and hit the road. I’m a little surprised that you decided to fly. Is something wrong with the car?” his father asked, looking at him out of the corner of his eye.

“Nope, she’s still in perfect condition. The roads up there suck in the winter and she does have a lot of miles on the engine. I figured why add thousands more when I can spend a shit load of money to sit on an airplane for hours next to a fat hairy guy,” he grinned.

“Sound like an even trade,” John finally smiled, patting his oldest son on the back. “Are you hungry? We can stop and get something to eat on the way home.”

“I could eat. But don’t think I’m an asshole if I fall asleep the minute we get to the house. I was up late uh, packing and getting ready.”

\-------------------------

He smiled and answered questions over dinner. Yes, work was going well. Yes, it was beautiful up there. Yes, he’d been staying out of trouble. But, he veered away from anything personal. He knew that they probably wouldn’t push him too hard, he was very private by nature, but the question would inevitably come up. He happily dropped his bags in the middle of his childhood bedroom and laughed as he looked around. It was still the way he had left it when he moved out. Posters on the walls and everything. He took a few pictures to send to Cas with a text before he passed out on the twin bed.

“Finally made it home...except it doesn’t feel like home anymore.”

\-------------------------

“Okay, the old man is at work and mom left for the store so I thought I’d give you the grand tour of a beautiful post World War 2 rambler circa early 1950’s. As you can see, the interior is somewhat up to date, thank you Jess,” Dean loved the sound of Cas’s laughter. “So this is it, the house I grew up in.”

“It looks extremely...normal.”

“Except for the black sheep bedroom,” Dean grinned.

“Yeah, I especially liked the bikini girl poster on the ceiling above your bed. Nice touch.”

“You like that? It gave me something to look at while I…”

“I already figured that one out, Dean. You really don’t have to explain it. So how is everything going?”

“Well, I slept for like 16 hours straight. I took a shower, it was pretty lonely in there. And then my mom tried to delve into my personal life over a home cooked meal. So, pretty much what I expected. We’re leaving for Sam’s the day after Christmas.”

“Delve into your personal life? How far did she get?”

“Well, I didn’t get to the part where I rode your cock the other night, but I told her pretty much everything else.”

“Asshole.”

“No, the only problem has been saying ‘I’ instead of ‘we’. I didn’t realize that we do everything together until I had to start talking about it. So, according to John and Mary Winchester I spend a lot of time working, sitting at home, going to the movies, oh and I spent Thanksgiving eating a microwaved turkey dinner and watching football.”

“Sounds...stimulating.”

“Very. And there’s the garage door. I’m guessing I should be a good son and go help with the groceries. I’ll call you back later, I love you.”

“Love you too.”

\-------------------------

Dean loved his parents, he loved being home, but he knew that he wasn’t completely there. He missed Cas in a way that he didn’t expect. He was distracted and couldn’t sleep at night. He wanted to tell his mother, he desperately wanted her to know that he was finally happy, but Cas was right. Now wasn’t the time. 

They texted, talked, and facetimed as much as they could, but Dean was there to be with his family and Cas knew that. It didn’t make it any easier for Dean to hang up or slide his phone in his pocket. 

\-------------------------

He was surprised when his phone rang on Christmas morning and couldn’t help but smile when he saw his favorite pair of blue eyes.. “Just a minute, let me grab a jacket and go outside.” He didn’t realize that Mary was watching him when he opened the sliding glass door and started walking around the backyard with his phone.

\-------------------------

“Hey baby, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you.”

“Am I interrupting anything?”

“No, I’m in my 30’s. It’s not like Christmas is all magical and shit. I save that for when I get to see Claire.”

“You’re leaving for Sam’s tomorrow?”

“Yeah, in the morning. We’re going to drive straight through so it shouldn’t take too long. How are you?” It had only been a few days, but it felt like a lifetime.

“Good. Bored mostly.”

“You could always go to church. I hear they put on a pretty good show today,” Dean chuckled.

“Yeah, I think I’ll take a pass on that one. Lightning would probably strike me down before I could even make it through the doors.”

“It’s all the ‘f’ bombs you drop and devil’s music that you listen to. You really should tone that shit down.”

“Or the continuous out of wedlock sex with another man,” Cas grinned.

“Yeah, I guess there’s that. Aaaand now I miss you even more. So wait, if we were married it would be okay?”

“Did you just propose?”

“No,” Dean laughed. “Don’t get your hopes up, baby.”

“Ah, my dreams are dashed,” Cas chuckled.

“God you are perfect.”

“Far from, but I’m fine with you thinking so. I don’t want to make you feel like shit, but I miss you like crazy.”

“So do I.”

\-------------------------

John walked up behind Mary as she was looking out the kitchen window, “Snooping on our son while he’s on the phone?”

“Not snooping, just curious. He spends a lot of time with that phone in his hand and look at him. Dean never smiles and laughs like that.”

“So he’s smiling and laughing.”

“I think there’s a girl.”

John shook his head and smiled at his wife, “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“He said that he isn’t seeing anybody.”

“Dean is very private, we all know that. If he is seeing somebody and he wants us to know, he’ll tell us. Now let the kid have some space.”

\-------------------------

“Well, my guess is that my mom is watching me through the kitchen window and is convinced that I’m hiding a secret lover.”

“Aren’t you?”

“Yes, but I promised I’d hide it. I still want to tell them, Cas.”

“I know you do, I just don’t think that now is the time.”

“You’re right, shit you’re usually right. Well, I’m freezing my ass off and I have to come up with a good excuse as to why I’ve been walking around the backyard in the cold.”

“Pull the mysterious card. Or say that it was your landlord calling to tell you that the roof collapsed on your car,” Cas grinned.

“Yeah, my dad would take me sleeping with a man a lot better than he would a roof collapsing on that car. God, I love you.”

“I love you too. And merry Christmas I guess.”

“I’m so sorry that you’re alone,” Dean said softly.

“You’ll be home soon. Although I have been reconsidering that whole cat idea.”

“No cats. Love you, call you later, bye.”

Dean hung up the phone and walked back in the house. He smiled at his mom’s questioning look and walked into his room to grab clean clothes for the shower. She knew, but he wasn’t going to confirm it.

\-------------------------

The drive to Sam’s seemed long and arduous, he was used to making this drive alone. He got his round of hugs, entirely too much food, and smiled while Claire opened the huge pile of presents that Grandma, Grandpa, and Uncle Dean had brought. He loved his family, he felt warm and comfortable, but a part of him was crawling out of his skin. He’d never realized that being with Cas somehow touched every part of his being. He watched John and Mary, he watched Sam and Jess, and for the first time he understood. 

\-------------------------

“Can I, uh, take the car for a little while?” Dean felt ridiculous asking his father. He was too used to having his own car, coming and going as he pleased.

“Where are you headed?”

“Just thought I’d take a quick drive, get a little fresh air.”

“You’ve gotten used to living alone in a small town,” John smiled, handing him the keys.

“Just be back in time for dinner,” Jess called. “I made a ton of food and I’m counting on you to eat a lot of it. Oh, by the way, your client hasn’t sent me pictures yet.”

Dean almost laughed when she said ‘client’. “He’s actually my landlord now. I’ll remind him when I drop off my rent check.”

Jess just turned and smiled, she was a California beauty and Sam would have his hands full when Claire started to notice boys. “I’ll be back soon.”

\-------------------------

“Okay, are you ready for this?”

“What in the hell are you doing, Dean?”

“You showed me the Atlantic.”

“You’d seen it before.”

“Yeah, but not with you. Don’t ruin this moment for me.”

“Moment?”

“Yes, I want to share the Pacific with the man I love, so here you go.” Dean flipped the screen so that Cas could see the beach and blue water, white waves gently crashing and small handful of beach goers. “Sorry, no bikini shots for you.”

“That seriously does look like the movies.”

“I told you,” Dean smiled, walking along the beach. “It’s nothing like the shore. When it’s empty like this it’s calming, almost hypnotic. The sounds and smells are different. Just the water moving and the smell of suntan lotion that always seems to linger, even after the people are gone.”

“It’s beautiful,” Cas said quietly. 

“Yeah, but I think that the Atlantic suits me better.”

“No bikini bodies around here.”

“I don’t think I could get it up for a bikini body anymore,” Dean laughed. “I have officially been ruined.”

“And here I thought that you love me for my mind.”

“Oh, I do, Professor. But it doesn’t hurt that you have an amazing body and extremely skilled hands.”

“Let me guess, now you’re really missing me?” Cas chuckled.

Dean turned the screen in time to see the corners of Cas’s eyes wrinkle while he laughed. “I have been really missing you this entire time. They still talk to me like the Dean Winchester that I was when I moved. Work, cars, that type of shit. I’ve gotten too used to talking about architecture and history. Hell, even art and literature, although I’d rather die than let anyone know about any of that,” he smiled. “I want to butt in when they talk, but I know that would just bring on a shit ton of questions, so I stay quiet.”

“Shit, I don’t know what would be harder for you to come out with. That you are in a relationship with a man or that you are actually intelligent and somewhat cultured.”

“Did you just call me cultured? That was a low blow,” Dean grinned. “But, we are going to have pasta with a nice Merlot and then make love on Egyptian cotton sheets by firelight. I kind of want to wash my mouth out with soap for even saying that. What’s even worse is that it’s my perfect night.”

Cas smiled slowly, “The boy has become a man.”

“Only because a man saw through his bullshit. I love you, so much.”

“I love you too. Trying to sleep is hell. Even showering kind of sucks.”

“Yeah, I feel your pain. Well, I was told by a beautiful blonde that I need to get back before dinner so I’m going to let you go. Just a few more days baby.”

“Just a few more days.”

\-------------------------

“I think that your brother is seeing someone.”

“So?” Sam popped a piece of turkey in his mouth, hoping that Jess didn’t see it.

“You aren’t interested?”

“Not really, no. We know how Dean is, it won’t last.”

“He spends a lot of time on his phone…”

“Mom, he hasn’t lived at home in over 15 years. None of us really know the first thing about his personal life and I would actually like to keep it that way. If he’s seeing someone, good for him. But we all know that he isn’t going to make some grand announcement. He’s quiet, and honestly not exactly loyal when it comes to that type of thing. He’s having fun and if she’s calling him all of the time then maybe she’s needy. He won’t put up with that for long. He’s a lifelong bachelor and seems pretty happy about it.”

“He just seems different.”

“He’s been living on the east coast for over a year. I’m guessing it’s a hell of a lot different than the midwest. Of course he’s going to change. He seems happy and more sure of himself, let’s not ruin it by asking him 20 questions.”

“See Mary,” John said from where he was already sitting at the table. “It’s basically the same shit that I told her. Dean isn’t one to settle down. He’s got a good job and doing his own thing. Be proud of him for that and quit worrying about what he does when he’s not working. Chances are, we don’t want to know.”

Mary just sighed, rolled her eyes at her husband and youngest son, and wandered in the kitchen to help Jess finish bringing the food out to the table. Dean walked in the door with a big smile and impeccable timing. “Alright, let’s eat.”

\-------------------------

“It is really amazing up there, but the best time to visit would be in the fall,” Dean ducked his head and put a forkful of food in his mouth. It’s not that he didn’t want his family to visit, he just didn’t know how he could act like the man that they knew while he was with Cas. Cas didn’t know that version of Dean Winchester, and Dean didn’t know that he wanted him to. Who he was when they were together was something that Cas brought out in him and he couldn’t share that, not yet. Cas was right, their life together was so far removed from what anyone outside of their home would have expected and they needed to tread lightly. He looked up and sighed quietly. He wanted to share his happiness, his new found self esteem and sense of purpose with his family, but he knew that there was no way he could make them understand. His life in Kansas, that guy, none of it existed anymore. He wanted to be back in that large drafty house with a fire burning low while he laid in a warm bed with the man that he loved. Maybe someday he could find a way to bring it all together.

\-------------------------

“Happy new years baby,” Dean smiled into his phone.

“Not for you, you still have a few hours.”

“I know, but I didn’t want to call you at midnight here. I’m pretty sure that waking you up at 3:00 in the morning would not keep me on your dinner party list.”

“Depends on how you wake me up,” Cas grinned. 

“Considering that I’m 3,000 miles away and sitting in a parked car in front of a convenience store, a phone call would have to do. Only a couple of more days, right?”

“Only a couple of more days. I love you, Dean.”

“I love you too, Cas. I’ll see you next year.”

“Worst joke ever,” Cas smiled before hanging up.

\-------------------------

Those blue eyes, that smile, it felt like home. He hated that it was only a bear hug, but he was willing to wait. “I missed you,” he whispered, gently and quickly pressing his lips against Cas’s temple. “I missed you too, now let’s get your bags and get out of here.”

Dean dropped his bags next to the car and reached for Cas, holding a hand to either side of his face and pressing their lips together. Their mouth parted, tongues sliding together, Cas’s body trapped between Dean and the drivers side door. Cas was panting when he tilted his head back, and closed his eyes. Dean was nipping and sucking on the tender skin of his neck, slipping his hands under Cas’s shirt, running them up the taut warm skin. Their hips were grinding, both of them growing painfully hard. “We keep this up, I’m think I’m going to come in my pants,” Cas moaned, pulling Dean closer. “Oh no,” Dean said quietly, “I fully intend to feel your cock throbbing against my stomach when I come inside of you.” Cas groaned and dipped his head for a long kiss. “You are seriously not helping,” he murmured. Dean stepped back, smiling and out of breath. “Let’s get home.”

\-------------------------

The trail of discarded clothing ran from the shoes in the entryway to the boxers that had been dropped next to the bed. Cas was already arching his body when Dean settled between his legs and pinned his arms above his head. They were needy and hungry, their mouths restless. Dean pressed the head of his slick cock against Cas, teasing and taunting him, waiting to see the desperation in his eyes. He moved slowly, letting Cas feel every inch until he was buried deep. His warm stomach brushed the silky flesh of Cas’s own hard shaft as he held their bodies together, trapping Cas in a deep kiss. “God, I missed you,” he murmured in Cas’s ear, Cas moaning with every subtle thrust. He loosened his grip on Cas’s wrists, warm hands turned to velvet when they slid down his back and up his sides, reaching and gripping his shoulders. He could feel Cas going to that other place, pulsing between their bodies with his head tilted back. He spread his legs wide and lifted his hips, their bodies moving together in a sultry daze of supple flesh and slow friction. They shared a long lingering kiss, feeling it build but not wanting it to end. Dean was intoxicated by the musky scent of Cas’s skin and raw sex. He felt the taut body beneath him tense, “It’s okay baby, let it go,” he whispered, his own stomach tightening. He watched Cas pull his bottom lip between his teeth before crying out, the warmth spreading between them. With a few fast thrusts he came hard and let his sweaty body collapse into Cas’s arms. He ran his lips tenderly across Cas’s neck, still gently rocking until he was too sensitive. He pulled himself to his elbows and pressed their foreheads together, “I love you Cas,” he said quietly, dipping his head for a slow kiss. “I love you too, Dean,” Cas whispered, trailing his fingers down Dean’s back, causing a visible shiver.

\-------------------------

Dean rolled on his side and pulled Cas to him, burying his face in his neck. Cas’s hair was still damp and his skin smelled like soap. Dean couldn’t help but smile, he was exactly where he wanted to be. He really was home.

\-------------------------

“So how was it?” Cas questioned, handing Dean a cup of coffee.

“It was great,” Dean yawned. “I mean my mom is great. I got along with the old man the entire time. Sam wasn’t as obnoxious as normal. Jess and Claire were as sweet as they always are. But, it turns out that I really have changed. I had to bite my tongue a lot.”

“Meaning?”

“I don’t know. They talked about shit that we talk about and I just kept quiet.”

Cas sat down at the table and looked into those green eyes that mirrored his world. “I know that we joked about it, but why would you keep quiet?”

“Because they don’t know this guy. The one who is sitting here drinking coffee with you.”

“Why not, Dean?”

Dean reached across the table for Cas’s hand. “You’ve brought it out in me and it’s for you. This house, our life, even my job has changed me. Better, worse, I guess that’s a matter of opinion. But definitely happier. My mom saw it, and I know that she wanted to ask but I’m thinking that the old man told her to let it go. Before I left you said that now is not the time to be dropping bombshells. Now I know that my secret love of historic architecture isn’t exactly a bombshell, but it’s something they’d never expect. I can’t imagine their reaction if I popped off with a story about how I spent last weekend with my boyfriend, who I’m now living with, touring historic sites before we came home and had wine over dinner,” Dean laughed. “They wouldn’t believe a word of it, and I’m fine with that. It’s like your whole Professor by day, hot guy with good taste in music by night kind of thing. Same coin.”

“Okay, I get it,” Cas smiled. “Well, I say fuck making breakfast. Let’s just go out.”

“Aw, see? There’s my foul mouthed Professor.”

“Damn straight,” Cas grinned. “Now get your ass up and let’s go.”

“It’s always about food with you, isn’t it?”

“It’s always about sex with you.”

Dean stood up and pulled Cas to him, “Damn straight.”

Cas kissed him quickly and wiggled out of his arms, “C’mon, let’s get something to eat.”

“Fine,” Dean groaned with a smile, following Cas out of the kitchen.

\-------------------------

Winter break was over and Cas was back to work full time. Construction season hadn’t started up yet, but they’d begun taking appointments and doing inspections to prepare. Dean did a lot of walk throughs and tried to be polite while uninterested when bored housewives with too much time and money did everything but flat out proposition him. 

At night they laid on the floor and listened to music, usually drinking and alternately calling each other ‘asshole’ or ‘dick’. They went and saw crappy bands at dive bars. They curled up on the couch and watched movies. By day they were friends, the best friend that either one ever had. By night they were passionate lovers. It was balanced and it was perfect. Their life together was everything they never knew that they needed or wanted.

\-------------------------

Cas smiled when he heard the soft snore against his chest. He knew that he could probably count on his fingers how many times Dean made it through a movie without falling asleep. Granted, it was a lazy Saturday and they’d been up late, but he still smiled. The knock on the door jarred Dean awake and he looked up at Cas, confusion in both of their eyes. Cas untangled their bodies and shrugged, walked from the den and down the hall to answer it. Dean sat up and started rubbing his eyes when he heard the voices.

“Gabe? Uh, what are you doing here?”

“Hello Castiel, do you mind if I come in?”

Cas looked behind him and hesitated. He could sense that Gabriel was uncomfortable at the sight of him in just pajama pants and no shirt, he couldn’t imagine what his reaction would be if Dean stumbled out of the den. “Uh, yeah sure, take a seat,” he mumbled, pointing at the formal couch and chairs that nobody used. “Let me go grab a shirt.” He poked his head in the den and saw Dean rolled on his side, either asleep or pretending to sleep. Either way, he was relieved. He ran up the stairs, two at a time to grab a clean t-shirt before facing his brother again. It had been years and he couldn’t imagine what he was doing there. None of the family had even come when Hester was sick or after she passed away. What could they want with him now? “Do you want some coffee or tea or anything?”

“No thanks, I’m fine.”

“Okay,” Cas said, slowly sitting down in a chair. “So, why are you here?”

“Father Zachariah, he and I were in the seminary together, he was transferred up here and I thought that I would stop and see you while I was visiting him.”

“Father Zachariah? Wow, you found someone with an almost more biblical name than mine. So after all of these years you just decided to pop in? You know you could have come to see Hester.”

“I know that you are probably angry, Castiel.”

“It’s Cas. Please, call me Cas.”

“Okay, I know that you are probably angry, Cas…”

“Actually, I’m not. I just don’t give a shit anymore. It’s been years, I thought you’d have figured that out.”

“Well, if that’s true then I guess it won’t be as hard for you to hear this. Father passed away.”

“What?” Cas felt his stomach sink, “When?”

“A few weeks ago. He had been sick for quite some time.”

“Wait, he was sick and died a few weeks ago and you’re just telling me this now because you were conveniently in the neighborhood?”

“You just said that you don’t care, Castiel.”

“It is not Castiel, it’s Cas” he said evenly through clenched teeth. He finally stood up and started to pace. “Seriously Gabe? Or is it Gabriel? I’m guessing that it is. Whether you think I care or not he was my father too and I had a fucking right to know. I had a right to see him before he died.”

“To make amends?”

“That’s all this is about, isn’t it? Black sheep ‘Castiel’ making amends for living his life the way that he wants. None of that fucking matters, he was my father and somebody should have told me.”

“You could have reached out.”

“I reached out when Hester was sick and none of you gave a shit.”

“You sent an email.”

“But you fucking read it, right? Nobody called or showed up, but at least I gave you the opportunity. I get a quick notice after the fact just because you were in town visiting a friend?”

“You walked away from your family.”

“Oh no, don’t put that shit on me. You were there and you watched everything happen but you never did a damn thing to help me, so don’t sit in my house and tell me that I walked away. I was shown the fucking door and it slammed behind me. But that still does not give you the right to have kept this from me.”

“I was hoping we could be civil”

Cas’s blazing blue eyes finally met his older brother’s gold flecked ones, “This is civil, Gabe. You go to your church and you lead mass. You listen to confession. You answer to her and ask how high when she tells you to jump. I was never going to be you or Mike, but I still had a fucking right to know that my own father was dying. I thought that priests believed in empathy and forgiveness. So that pertains to your own flock and not your flesh and blood? Yeah, we wrote each other off years ago and I haven’t looked back.”

“No, you haven’t,” Gabriel said without any hint of emotion. “You chose a life that went against everything that you were taught. You rebelled for the sake of rebellion. You were selfish and childish…”

“I was a child!”

“That is no excuse. Myself, Michael, Rachel, Hannah…”

“Are fucking perfect in her eyes, trust me I already know. Four out of five is a decent batting average. But, I’m still a human being, Gabe.”

“That’s why I came here.”

“What, she didn’t send you to fuck with me?”

Gabe dropped his head. Cas stopped pacing and turned to look at his brother. “She doesn’t know, does she? She still considers me dead.”

“You can come back,” Gabe said quietly. “Pre marital relations, divorce, those are all things that can be forgiven.”

“They can, huh?” Cas laughed. “But you have no idea what I have been up to since my divorce. Maybe I have a laundry list that would make you re-think that forgiveness. I wouldn’t want it anyway. Not from you or her. I appreciate you stopping by. Now if people ask about my family I at least know to add that my father recently passed away. Goodbye Gabe.” Cas walked to the door and held it open.

“Castiel…”

“We have nothing more to talk about. You can email me next time.” Cas watched Gabe walk to his car and start the engine before he slammed the door and turned around. Dean was already there pulling him into his arms. “It’s okay baby,” Dean whispered, pressing his hand against the back of Cas’s head while he rested it on Dean’s shoulder.

\-------------------------

Cas finally pulled away and reached down to intertwine their fingers, leading Dean back into the den. They curled up on the couch, Cas’s head on Dean’s chest. “I’m guessing you heard that.”

“Most of it. I wasn’t trying to be nosy, Cas.”

“I know you weren’t. Hell, if we had close neighbors they may have heard parts of it.”

“Are you okay? What do you need me to do?”

“I don’t know. How do you mourn someone that you never really knew? He was just always there. He didn’t pay attention to us kids. He turned a blind eye. I mean, I wanted to love him,” Cas started to softly cry.

“It’s okay baby, just talk.”

“I wanted the father who played with his kids, came to our games and stupid school recitals. God, the only time I really remember hearing him talk was when he said grace at the dinner table before he parked his ass in a chair in front of the fucking TV. I guess I’d be broken and lifeless too if I had married a woman like her.” Cas moved his body, needing to feel closer to Dean. He relaxed when he felt the strong arms tighten around him. “They could have at least given me a choice,” he said quietly. “We wouldn’t have been able to make amends, but maybe he could have gone to the grave with a little less hatred in his heart. He was spineless and he didn’t stand up to her, but he was a victim of circumstance in his own way. Maybe I needed to tell him that before he died, that I don’t hate him. I resent the hell out of the man, but I’ve never hated him. This is just fucked up. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry baby,” Dean pressed his lips to the top of Cas’s head. “You had no idea. They were wrong not to tell you and you have every right to be pissed off about that. You have every right to be upset because he’s gone. Feel whatever you need to feel.”

Cas sobbed quietly in Dean’s arms. He wasn’t mourning the loss of his father, he was mourning the loss of a childhood that he’d never had. 

\-------------------------

Dean led Cas up the stairs and into a warm shower. He held their bodies together, running his mouth tenderly across Cas’s shoulders and up his neck. They kissed softly, Dean sliding his hands up Cas’s back, digging his fingers into the tense and knotted muscles. Cas didn’t understand the tears that mixed with the warm water and ran slowly down his face. He felt like his life had been invaded, that he was being judged. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’s waist and leaned his head back, looking into Cas’s eyes. “Let’s go somewhere. Get something to eat, see a movie. Let’s just get away from this house for awhile.”

“I love you Dean. God, I love you so much,” Cas whispered, kissing him gently.

\-------------------------

“Burgers and beer, what more could a man ask for?” Cas smiled at Dean from across the table.

“A decent movie playing in this town?”

“Nah, for a decent movie we’ll have to go…”

“Yeah, a few towns over. I know.”

\------------------------- 

Cas smiled when Dean reached for his hand in the dark theater. It wasn’t always easy, but they’d grown accustomed to keeping a physical distance in public. Cas was a known professor at a prestigious university and Dean was a construction foreman. They lived in a small town, in an area that hadn’t completely accepted the way things worked outside of their bubble. Dean hated that they had to hide what they had, but he understood. Cas, he’d spent his entire life hiding who he really was, it had become second nature. The fingers wrapped between his, the calloused palm pressing against his own brought him comfort, desperately needed comfort, and Dean knew that. Cas wasn’t paying attention to the movie, he was running his conversation with Gabriel over and over through his mind. He didn’t miss any of them, he’d put that in his rearview mirror a long time ago, but he still felt cheated out of something. They had taken away a choice, that’s all she’d ever done until he finally left. He’d asked himself more than once if he made choices just to spite her, even if she never knew about them. A silent revenge for a childhood riddled with abuse. He squeezed Dean’s hand, he needed to feel the warm skin, he needed to feel how real it was. Dean had so quickly become his world, long before they slept together. In many ways, he found salvation in what they had. But instead of trying to reconcile that with the idea that he was going to burn in a hell that he didn’t know if he believed in, he needed to live. That’s what Dean always told him, they weren’t doing anything wrong, they were living.

\-------------------------

Cas stood up and started Dean’s coffee brewing when he finally stumbled into the kitchen. He took a moment to appreciate Dean’s body in nothing but boxers before he pressed the button and leaned against the counter waiting. 

“What’s with the computer?” Dean yawned, gratefully taking the warm mug from Cas.

“I uh, found his obituary. According to it he actually did have five children, including Castiel. I’m guessing my name was added for the benefit of the people that she knows. I may be a black sheep, but I’m still a Novak and he was my father.” Cas turned the laptop so that Dean could see the newspaper clip.

Dean blinked the fuzzy remnants of sleep from his eyes before he focused on the screen. “Charles Novak passed away surrounded by his loving wife and children after a long illness. Interesting way to start.”

“Well, she’s not going to admit that he was surrounded by his wife, who saw him as weak, which was probably a big factor as to why she married him, as well as his four perfect children while the fifth sat clueless a few states away.”

Dean couldn’t tell if it was anger or grief, maybe even guilt, that was in Cas’s eyes. He just knew that it was something he’d never seen before. “What do you need from me, baby?” he asked quietly, reaching for Cas’s hand.

“Can I give you the sappy and probably unnecessarily sentimental answer?”

“Of course.”

“Just be here, but don’t bother to try and understand. I don’t understand any of it myself, there is no way I can make you see it.”

“I wouldn’t even begin to try, Cas. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know. I hate that what I always thought was a fucked up childhood because of my issues with my old man and my brother was normal in comparison, and I am so sorry if it hurts you to hear me say that. I really need to learn how to keep my mouth shut.” Dean lowered his eyes and blew on his coffee.

“No, you don’t. Honestly, you are the only person in this world who loves me. No pressure, and I’m not feeling sorry for myself, it’s true. Hester loved me, I know that. In her own way, so did Meg. And she still does. You saw the Christmas card. She’s a sweet girl who got caught up in unrealistic ideas when we were young. But you, I know it’s real. That’s all I need from you.” Cas let go of Dean’s hand and stood up to make himself more coffee, to keep himself busy.

“Cas, you are not obligated to be okay with this. Yes, it’s in your rearview mirror but it is still a part of your life. You are entitled to be pissed or hurt. You can feel regrets without throwing away everything that you have built on your own. You can’t help what she did to you, you were a fucking kid. And if he was the man that you say he was, he gave up trying. You have a right to resent him for that. Maybe you didn’t get to tell him that you forgive him, but would it have done any good? Would it have made you feel any better? Or would it have just sucked you back into the mindfuck. I’m sorry if I’m out of line, but I resent the hell out of these people that I don’t even know for what they did to you. On the flip side, all of it made you the man that I love more than anything and I will be here no matter what. I hope you know that.”

“I do know that,” Cas said softly, moving to stand behind where Dean was sitting, leaning down to wrap his arms around his chest. He rested his cheek against the top of Dean’s head when he felt Dean’s fingers wrap around his arms to hold them against his body. “But you didn’t sign up for this.”

“Cas, I didn’t sign up for any of this. Neither one of us did. I never made a list of what I wanted in someone, I never even considered it because I thought it was pointless. My mom and dad, Sam and Jess, they all found it and it never made sense to me. Needing somebody next to you just so that you can fall asleep at night, needing to hear their voice or their laugh, zoning out for a few minutes at work remembering how their skin feels or smells. It was never going to happen for me, I didn’t even want it. It seemed too complicated and messy. But this, you, I don’t care if it gets complicated and messy. As long as we are in this 100% I will always be here. You told me once that this started the night that you went into the attic and saw the frames and shelves. It started before that, we just didn’t know what to do with it. You are it, you are the one and that’s never going to change.”

“I can’t imagine my life without you in it,” Cas whispered.

“So don’t try.”

\-------------------------

Most days, Cas was fine. They did the same thing that they’d always done. He smiled and laughed. They made love and held each other while they fell asleep. They sent inappropriate texts while they were at work. But some nights, rare nights, Dean felt it. Cas was still working through it and he did what he could to help. He listened to the ugly stories and memories. He re-lived it. It was a part of Cas’s world and it became a part of his. He held Cas, touched him, whispered soft words that he hoped were enough. Those night became fewer and further between and while it wasn’t forgotten, Cas was letting it go.

\-------------------------

“I still hate that we have to book two rooms,” Dean muttered as they pulled their bags out of the backseat of the car.

“I know, I don’t like it either. But, is it really worth the fight? In some places it is, but a small town on the shore and off the beaten path isn’t the place to make a political statement. It’s not like they don’t know, they just don’t condone it. Personally I don’t give a shit. Where we sleep and what we do is nobody’s fucking business but ours. So which room do we want? 226 or 227?” Cas tried to smile. They had decided to spend spring break on the shore, in places where the tourists hadn’t taken over yet. Cas knew that Dean somehow related to what they saw when they held each other while sitting on outcrops of rock or standing on the pebbles that littered the small amount of sand in the secluded coves. Dean saw beauty, and Cas was learning to see it for himself. He couldn’t help but smile when Dean’s eyes opened wide and became a shade of green that couldn’t be described. These were their moments, their time, that only made sense to them. 

“Let’s go with the even number this time. If things get too messy in one bed, we can always go sleep in the other,” Dean said with an impish grin.

“Good point,” Cas grunted, pulling his bag to his shoulder and following Dean into the room. 

\-------------------------

They spent four days exploring the shore, Cas taking pictures of Dean climbing rocks or standing in contemplation when he wasn’t looking. Dean hated having his picture taken, and he looked even more beautiful when he was unaware. 

They wandered through used bookstores and record shops, hoping to find something new and unique. Dean bought cheesy t-shirts at the tourist traps for his family. They laughed and talked, never once mentioning their families. Cas learned about the life that Dean lived in Kansas as an adult. He saw how hollow and empty it was, but still had a hard time accepting that he was the reason for him changing. Dean learned about Cas’s college years, his regrets for not being more of a party boy and enjoying them. He learned about his struggles to make his way as an architect before finally being offered the position at the University. They came to understand each other in a way that they never had before and came home more in love than they had been when they left. Cas was Dean’s world and Dean was Cas’s.

\-------------------------

“We scored a huge reno,” Dean smiled from where he stood at the stove. He had unofficially been appointed cook and Cas had been unofficially been appointed the one in charge of what drink went with dinner. “It’s not as big as that damn Novak pain in the ass, but it’s still pretty big. Hell, the pics of the Novak house played a big role in us landing this gig.”

“You bit off more than you could chew when you took on the Novak renovation,” Cas grinned.

“Tell me about it. I dealt with a huge reno alone as foreman, I took artistic license without the owner ratting me out to the boss, and then there was this hot guy that I met…”

“So how big is this one?” Cas laughed.

“Probably eight weeks, maybe more. Smaller house, but needs more work structurally, and it isn’t even as old as this. We’re talking early 20th century. Pre World War 2. Zoning is going to bust my balls to get every little thing right.”

“I’m guessing ten hour days?”

“At least. Probably more like 12 and 14.”

“So a lot of tension relieving showers?” Cas smiled.

“I’ll take as many tension relieving showers as I can get. Especially since I’ll come home dirty and sweaty.”

“Then I guess I might as well confess that when I realized that I was strangely attracted to you, you were dirty and sweaty.”

“Really?” Dean grinned. “That early huh? So you were scoping me out before anything ever happened.”

“Not scoping, just appreciating.”

“Yeah well, I appreciated it the first time I saw you get in the pool. I just told myself I was appreciating you because you’d make a good wing man.”

“Really? You think I’d make a good wing man? So why didn’t we ever go out looking for cheap hookups?” Cas chuckled.

“Every time we went to the bar, I didn’t even look at anyone else. The hottest woman in the place with the sluttiest clothes didn’t do it for me. Which was pretty confusing considering that used to be how I spent my weekends.”

“So this started…”

“This started the day you handed me that beer and let me know that your Black Sabbath t-shirt was earned and not bought at the mall,” Dean smiled. “I didn’t know what it meant. I’ve never done the guy thing. But, something was there.”

“Wow, so you had a crush on me almost the whole time…”

“Shut up,” Dean laughed, throwing a balled up paper towel at Cas.

“So, I’ve never really asked you this, but how weird was it for you that first night?”

“Before, during, or after? You’ve got to be a little more specific with your timeframes.”

“All three.” 

Dean turned around and looked at Cas’s smile. “Well, I kissed you and it didn’t seem that weird. I knew that I would talk myself out of it, so I did it without really thinking about it first. When we ended up in bed, it didn’t feel weird at all. After? I felt bad. I was worried about you and I was worried that we’d seriously fucked up and ruined the friendship. It was a new experience and it took some time to process, I guess. I mean I’d never looked at a guy like that before. But that night, you weren’t a guy to me, you were just Cas and anatomy didn’t matter. What about you?”

“Honestly, it was all a little weird. Unexpected, but not unappreciated. I hated myself for sneaking out, it was a bullshit way to handle things. You deserved better than that. But, I thought about what you said when I brought you coffee while you were in the pool, and it made me think. My life is about me and not about what anybody else thinks is right or wrong. I don’t know, it just felt right and I think that scared the shit out of me. I mean, I felt more for you in that one night than I felt in the five years that I was married. Something seemed inherently wrong about that.”

“Why? Meg is happy now and you are still friends. You were young. You had plenty of years to get out there and play before this ever happened. We don’t need to go into numbers here, but I’m guessing that you weren’t exactly lonely,” Dean smiled.

“No, I wasn’t. I rarely left a bar alone. Apparently I have amazing blue eyes,” Cas chuckled.

“Like I told my brother once, blue eyes can steal a man’s soul.”

“I own your soul?”

“You own the entire package,” Dean set their plates on the table and dropped a kiss on the top of Cas’s head. “You’re stuck with me. No refunds, no returns. You should have saved the receipt.”

“I shredded that receipt a long time ago.”

\-------------------------

Dean was exhausted. He’d done two small inspections and met with a pompous architect who treated him like he was just a clueless construction worker. He knew that it was part of the job, he was a foreman and it was up to him to see that the job got done. But, he’d grown to used to having an opinion and spent most of the meeting nodding his head and keeping his criticism to himself. The job itself was complicated and ridiculous, but he smiled when he stood up and shook the man’s hand, resisting the urge to offer him an antibacterial wipe when he saw the scowl on the man’s face. He sat back down and rifled through the blueprints and designs, rubbing his forehead. He scanned copies and emailed them to himself, wondering if he could build a 3D model using this guy’s design. He figured that Cas would get a kick out of it. Cas’s last class was at 2:00 and it was Friday so he made his way out of the office early and headed home, ready for a good laugh over incompetent architects and another round of questions about why Cas gave up.

\-------------------------

Cas was sitting at the kitchen table with an old cigar box when Dean walked through the back door. He threw his jacket over the back of a chair and pressed a kiss to the top of Cas’s head. “Hey baby, whatcha got?”

Cas took a deep breath and opened the box, “Pictures. I’ve had this hidden in the back of the closet in the library. I can’t remember the last time I opened it. I realized that other than the picture she put on the obituary, I barely remember what he looks like. What any of them look like.”

Dean sat down, willing himself not to say anything. He just waited, ready to listen. They started off with a picture of the five children. The girls still nothing but toddlers in matching dresses with matching braids. The boys in their small suits. All smiling for the camera, Cas’s grin showed a missing tooth, reminding him of Claire. As the photos were slid across the table, Dean watched the Novak children get older, and Cas’s smile get weaker. They slowly transitioned from standing or sitting in order of age to being positioned by who was favored. Cas was always on the end, his hair a little longer than his brothers, his smile more of a smirk or scowl and always forced. There were pictures of his father, uncomfortable and not looking directly at the camera. He was empty, there was nothing there, not even on film. He heard Cas’s breath shudder when he handed him a picture of both of his parents. His mother was a small woman, her hair pulled back into a severe knot, her thin lips pressed together. Dean couldn’t see a resemblance between Cas and the Novak family. Maybe because he couldn’t relate the man that he loved to the charade that was being played out in the photographs. He finally saw one of Aunt Hester smiling with her arms wrapped around Cas. He finally saw light in those bright blue eyes and realized how much Cas had lost when he lost her. He looked up and could see the tears brimming, slowly collecting at the corners of Cas’s eyes before sliding down his cheeks. He moved to squat next to Cas and reached for his hands. “It’s okay baby.”

“I resent the hell out of all of them. They mean nothing. So why is it getting to me?”

“Because it just reminds you of what you never had, and I hate that I have to say that. Maybe it would be different if all five of you were treated the same, but you weren’t. You were singled out because you thought for yourself and it fucked with your head. I’m sorry baby, I am so fucking sorry that it was like that for you. But you...you created your own path and became the man that you are today. The man who is my world. You’re perfect Cas, everything about you.” He leaned in to kiss Cas softly when Cas stood up, pulling Dean with him. Cas was emotional, he was emotionally charged and wasn’t looking for something tender or gentle when he pressed his lips against Dean’s in a hard kiss. They moved through the house and up the staircase, reaching and pulling, their clothes finally dropping in a pile on the bedroom floor before Cas fell back on the bed, needing to feel Dean against him. Their mouths were hot and rough, nipping, sucking, biting. Their fingers digging and squeezing as soft moans escaped their lips. Cas reached into the nightstand and handed Dean the bottle. “No fingers,” he said quietly, spreading his legs and tensing in anticipation. Dean buried his slick cock, wrapping his fingers around Cas to stroke him. Cas’s body moved, his hips lifted, meeting Dean thrust for thrust. It was raw and primal and Dean throbbed every time that Cas whispered “harder.” Their bodies came together with a desperate need, Dean’s hand was rough. The passionate ferocity took on a life of it’s own and became a hunger that neither one had ever felt. Everything turned into white noise when Dean thrust and came, almost painfully hard, barely feeling the warmth that had spread across his hand. He opened his eyes, Cas’s shoulders and heaving chest were covered in marks, he could feel his own bruises and marks. Cas was panting, reaching to pull Dean to him. Dean buried his face in Cas’s neck feeling a sob in his throat. He trailed his lips along the soft skin, somehow trying to make up for the pain. “I want to ask if I hurt you, but I already know the answer,” he said thickly. “I wanted you to,” Cas answered quietly. “Maybe it doesn’t make sense, but it’s what I needed. The anger and resentment, the urge to fight that was inside of me, I didn’t know how to let it go. Maybe it was unfair to you, and I’m sorry for that. But don’t you feel bad for what just happened, you gave me what I wanted. I’m fine, Dean.” They pressed their swollen lips together in a long and tender kiss before Dean pulled out and rolled onto his back. Cas turned on his side and lifted himself up on one elbow. “You look a little worse for wear,” he said, trailing his fingers lightly across Dean’s chest. “I should probably ask you if you’re okay.” Dean turned his head and stared into the tumultuous blue eyes. “I’m fine, Cas,” he whispered, reaching for Cas’s hand and pulling it to his lips. “I love you.” Cas leaned down and pressed their foreheads together, “I love you too, Dean. Let’s get this mess cleaned up.”

\-------------------------

“Ah, pizza’s here,” Dean smiled, watching Cas struggle to pull on his pajama pants. He was exhausted and still a little shaky, but refused to let Dean feel guilty about it. “I’ll get the door while you finish getting dressed. We’ll meet in the den, but I’m putting you in charge of beer.” He held Cas’s face in his hands and kissed him softly.

“You’re not going to put on a shirt?”

“No,” Dean laughed. “I’m pretty sure that the pizza guy is well aware of our situation and either doesn’t give a shit or we tip well enough that he keeps his mouth shut.”

“You looked like you were attacked by something.”

“I was, a rabid professor,” Dean chuckled as he grabbed his wallet and left the bedroom. Cas just shook his head and finished getting dressed.

\-------------------------

“Okay, perfect timing. I am starving,” Dean smiled as he opened the door. His smile faded when he saw the small woman on the porch.

“I’m looking for Castiel Novak.”

“Um, well,” Dean stuttered, reaching around her and handing an unknown amount of money to the pizza delivery boy who had walked up behind her. He awkwardly set the box down on the small table next to him, not knowing what to say.

“I’m guessing that he did sell the house and move?”

“Naomi?”

Dean turned and saw Cas on the stairs, frozen in place. All of the color seemed to have drained from his skin except for the bruises where Dean had sucked blood to the surface and the marks left by his teeth. Dean felt the woman looking at him and then back to Cas. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know if Cas wanted him to let her in or just shut the door.

“I’m your mother, Castiel. Please do not call me by my Christian name.”

Dean and Cas’s eyes locked and Cas nodded almost imperceptibly. Dean picked up the pizza and retreated into the den.

\-------------------------

Cas walked slowly to the door and blocked the opening, well aware that his mother was staring at the marks on his body. He was still in shock when she asked if she could come in and he pulled the door open to let her past. He silently pointed at the formal furniture and watched her sit primly on the edge of the sofa. He didn’t sit down, he didn’t offer her anything to drink, he didn’t offer to put on a shirt, he just started pacing. “I can’t imagine why you came here.”

“You’re father passed away.”

“Yeah, I know. Gabe decided to stop by while he was visiting a friend and drop the bomb. I was a little surprised to see my name in the obituary. The last time we talked I believe you told me that you had four children. My guess is you put it there to save face.”

“Castiel…”

“You know, I’ve always hated that name and I’ve always found it ironic that even though Mike and Gabe are named after Archangels, mine sounds the most biblical. Don’t call me Castiel and don’t call me son. Castiel Novak doesn’t exist, and Cas Novak doesn’t have a family. So, why are you here? Don’t tell me it’s because after more than 30 years you finally realized that you have five children who should have been treated equally, that train pulled out of the station a long time ago. You didn’t even come up here when Hester was sick, but I guess that’s how you work. You couldn’t tell me that my own father was dying, why would I expect you to give a shit about your sister.”

“Hester and I had our differences.”

“Yeah, because she loved me and accepted me. She didn’t put up with your bullshit and you closed the door on her just like you did to me. You could have told me, you could have at least given me the chance to see him.”

“I didn’t think that you would come.”

“I guess we’ll never know, will we.”

Cas was exhausted and visibly shaking, Dean was trying not to eavesdrop but couldn’t bring himself to turn on the TV.

“I lost your father after over 40 years of marriage. I lost Hester and I lost you. Gabriel and I spoke after his visit. We had a long talk about forgiveness.”

“Forgiveness? Do you really think that I’ve spent all of these years up here waiting for you all to forgive me? For what? Not becoming a priest? Not being perfect? Fuck that, I don’t want your forgiveness. It doesn’t mean a goddamn thing to me.”

“Well, from the looks of it you may be in a position where you can’t be forgiven, Castiel.”

“Ugh, do NOT call me that, and do not assume that you have any fucking idea about how I live my life.”

“Well, you are obviously not living it alone and certainly not by the way of the lord.”

“No, I’m am not living it by your self righteous and narrow minded interpretation. This world isn’t black and white, Naomi. There’s a whole lot of gray area.”

“Not in the lord’s eyes.”

“How can you possibly know that? Because you have two perfect sons who have an ‘in’? Who hear the message? You slammed the door behind me the minute that you had the chance and now you show up at mine? I didn’t want Gabe here and I certainly don’t want you here.”

“This was my sister’s home, you are my son.”

“Really?” Cas stopped pacing and scoffed. “Your sister who died without having talked to you in over 15 years. ‘Your son’ who you never actually accepted as your son. Four turned out right, the fifth had the audacity to think for himself so he became the throw away. Don’t sit here on my couch and pretend like you give a shit about anything that has happened up here.”

“I can see that you are too far gone,” Naomi said pointedly, looking in the direction of the den.

“Well, I guess that’s where opinions vary. I can’t believe in a god who would send me to hell for falling in love.”

“Love? No Castiel, that’s not how it works.”

“Apparently it does in my world. Don’t bring him or the way that I live into this. Did you show up just to judge me, because I can’t see any other reason. Especially now that you’ve realized I’m too far gone.”

“I came here to give you the opportunity that you never had with your father. I have Cancer, Castiel. I’m not being treated for it, I am putting it in the lord’s hands. I don’t know how long I have, but my hope was to make amends with all of my children before I go.”

“You mean make amends with me.”

“Not just you. Hannah is divorced. It is something that we’ve been trying to work through.”

“Wow, now there’s a gray sheep.”

“There is no reason to be so spiteful, Castiel.”

“Okay, I’m going to say it again, do not call me that. And there are a lot of reasons to be spiteful. The best thing that could happen for the both of us is for you to turn around and leave. I am sorry that you are sick, Naomi. Just as sorry as I would be for anybody else who is suffering. You came here to give me the opportunity to be forgiven? I don’t need it and I don’t want it. If it’s forgiveness that you want, I can’t do that. I’ve put you, the rest of them, and the 18 years that I lived under your thumb behind me.”

“So that you could come up here and live with a man.”

“No, so that I could come up here and think for myself. What I do with my life has nothing to do with you.”

“Are you doing this just to hurt me?”

“What? Being happy?”

“Being with a man.”

“Yeah,” Cas started pacing again. “That was my first thought when we met. How much will this piss off the mother who I haven’t seen or spoke to in years. You can go back home and tell all of your friends that your middle son died. My name doesn’t even need to be in your obituary.”

“That is the most hateful…”

“No!” Cas yelled, leaning down until their faces were just inches apart. “Beating a child with a belt because he didn’t smile wide enough at his first communion was hateful. Slapping me and clawing at my face for things that Mike or Gabe or even one of the girls did was hateful. Going through my room and destroying things that were valuable to me was hateful. Locking me out of the house night after night in the middle of winter was hateful. Not telling me that my own father was dying was hateful. This isn’t hateful, Naomi, this is the reality that you created the minute you decided that I wasn’t allowed free will. This is all you, not me. I wanted to love you, but you made that impossible for me. You have four children. Go talk to Hannah about forgiveness and forget that your embarrassing middle child exists.” He stood up and backed away, blue eyes blazing.

“I guess this trip was a waste of my time.”

“Yes, it was. You should have known that before you came here.” Cas held the door open, but didn’t bother to watch her walk away before he closed it. He turned around, almost expecting to see Dean but took a deep breath before he walked to the den.

\-------------------------

“So, you got supreme?”

“Uh, yeah,” Dean stammered. “They uh forgot about the no olives on half so I picked them off for you. I think I got them all. Do you want me to go grab the beer?”

“No, I can do it. Thanks for picking off the olives,” Cas smiled, kissing him gently before walking to the kitchen.

Dean leaned back and sighed. He didn’t know what to prepare for after Cas’s mother left. Apparently it was normal life, for now. He took the cold bottle that Cas offered him and wrapped an arm around him when he sat down. “Thank you, baby.”

Cas looked at him with clear blue eyes, “No need to thank me. Now, what are we going to watch?”

Dean leaned over and kissed him on the temple, “I really don’t care.”

“Of course you don’t. You worked, had sex, and will have a stomach full of food. I give you twenty minutes before you’re asleep.”

Dean grinned. “I’ll bet you I can last for thirty.”

\-------------------------

Cas listened to the soft snore and looked down at Dean, counting the freckles that dotted his cheeks. He took in the perfect face, the body that was a result of years of hard work, the calloused hands that could turn so gentle against his own skin. He smelled the mixture of body wash and natural musk. He thought about Dean’s charm, his arrogance, his kindness, the secrets that he kept from the outside world. Sometimes he didn’t understand what Dean saw in him, why he loved him, but he never doubted that he did. Dean was beautiful and intelligent, and Dean was his. Cas squeezed his arms a little tighter around his sleeping body and smiled when Dean shifted and murmured. He bent down and kissed him gently on the forehead before turning back to the movie. He’d barely last fifteen minutes after he’d crawled into Cas’s arms on the couch.

\-------------------------

“Ugh, this job is going to be a bitch,” Dean yawned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes when Cas set a cup of coffee in front of him. He smiled and winked before picking up the mug. “I scanned the blueprints and designs and emailed them to myself. You have to check them out, it’s a fucking joke.”

“Worse than the infamous Novak house?” Cas grinned.

“Much worse. The detailing doesn’t match the style, the room placement is all fucked up. It’s going to look ridiculous. Not the crowning jewel that is the Novak house. That was probably my favorite job. Still is,” Dean smiled.

“Job?”

“Labor of love?”

“I can accept labor of love,” Cas laughed. “Do you want breakfast?”

“You’re going to cook?”

“I can cook. I used to cook for Hester all of the time. You’re the one who took possession of the kitchen. What do you want?”

“I’ll take whatever. You okay, baby?” They hadn’t talked about Cas’s mother’s visit last night. Dean had woken up long enough to watch an entire movie before they sleepily climbed the stairs and he fell back asleep with his head on Cas’s chest.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Can’t let that shit get to me. It’s done,” Cas turned and smiled. “This...you...it’s my life now and that’s not going to change.”

“I’m just making sure. You know that I can be a little over protective.”

“You can be a lot over protective, but it’s part of your charm.”

“Good to know. Most people find it obnoxious.”

“Oh, now we’re talking about the things that make you obnoxious?” Cas grinned.

“And you’re an asshole,” Dean grumbled, standing up to make himself more coffee.

Cas reached out and wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist, pulling him close for a kiss. “Yet you love me.”

“Yes, I do, more than anything,” Dean smiled. “You do realize that we have become that nauseatingly in love couple, right?”

“Oh god, we really have.”

“Yeah, people write books and movies about this type of shit. I never expected to be the co-star in one,” Dean moved out of Cas’s arms to put a new pod in the coffee maker and push the button to brew. “Especially the whole dual identity thing. When you think about it, we may just be a step above nauseating. But my parents, Sam and Jess, I get it now.”

“You really think that you could put up with me for 40 years?”

“Baby, there are days when we can’t put up with each other for 40 minutes. But even when that happens, I can’t picture my life without you.”

“You really are charming.”

“No,” Dean said softly, wrapping his arms around Cas from behind. “I’m in love. And I’m starving.”

“So be nice to the guy who’s cooking you breakfast?”

“Yep, always be nice to the guy who’s cooking you breakfast.”

\-------------------------

It wasn’t a heatwave, but Dean was still sweating his ass off from climbing up and down ladders all day. He and Cas had laughed over the blueprints, trying to figure out what the client was thinking. Dean just nodded and smiled when he talked to the homeowner. The poor guy was paying a lot of money and he’d probably regret it. 

They worked until they started losing light and then Dean always had to get paperwork done at the office. He filled out daily labor invoices and verified orders and delivery times. Most nights he got home long after Cas and either dinner was waiting or they ordered in. He loved his job, he loved the hard word and tiny details, but he missed the small things that he’d grown accustomed to during the slow season. Cooking dinner, laying on the couch waiting to hear Cas’s car come up the drive, making love almost every night. Cas had taken on a new course this semester and still insisted on giving short essay tests. Dean knew that this was real life, two working adults sharing a home, but he still missed Cas. He smiled when he got the texts in the middle of the day. Some dirty, some sweet. He loved the soapy hands on his knotted muscles. He lost himself in Cas’s hands and mouth the nights that they did make love. It was all about balance and they were slowly finding that.

\-------------------------

“I love you,” Dean panted, holding Cas in a long kiss before rolling off of his sweaty body. He reached for Cas’s hand and pulled it to his lips, still breathing heavily. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?” Cas turned his head and smiled.

“Just wondering.” Dean couldn’t admit that it stung a little when Cas didn’t respond to his declarations of love, it felt needy and unnecessary. They were both distracted, they both had hectic work schedules, and he knew that Cas didn’t notice his own silence. 

\-------------------------

They crawled back in bed, their skin still damp from the shower. Cas rolled on his side and let Dean pull him close. “I love you, Dean,” he said quietly in the dark room. Dean smiled and kissed the back of his neck. “I love you too, baby.”

\-------------------------

Dean ignored it the first time he saw that the wide bookshelf in the library had been rummaged through, that a book had been removed. He barely paid attention when he saw the book on the floor, half hidden under the couch. He finally picked it up when he noticed that some pages had been marked.

\-------------------------

The plumbers had been at the work site and when they were done, so was Dean. He made it home before dark and found Cas in the kitchen cooking. He kissed him softly on the back of the neck before going upstairs to take a quick shower and change his clothes. He glanced in the den when he came back down the stairs and he saw it on the coffee table.

“Leviticus, interesting choice. I could probably work with the mixed fabric thing. All cotton is kind of the eco-friendly way to go anyway. No shellfish, that’s a tough one in this part of the country. Hell, they sell lobster rolls at coffee shops, but I could deal with that one too. Anything else in here that I should be considering?” Dean asked, holding Cas’s worn bible up with one hand. “I wasn’t being nosy, Cas. It was left out on the table, this specific chapter marked. I’m no expert, but believe it or not I have read parts of this book. I know what’s in here.”

Cas looked up from the stove and saw Dean leaning against the doorframe. His eyes grew wide and he could feel the color creeping up his face. “It’s not like that, Dean.”

“I’m not mad, Cas. Shit, read whatever you want to read. It’s just interesting to me that this is the go-to scripture when it comes to homosexuality as a sin.”

“You’re right, it is. But it isn’t the only part I read,” Cas said softly.

“Okay,” Dean sighed, setting the book on the counter. “What you read is really none of my business. I just never expected this to be on your current list. Is dinner ready? I can run downstairs and grab a bottle.”

“Dean...”

“Red or white?”

“Dean…”

“Okay, red it is. I might grab two, just in case. It’s been a long day.”

\-------------------------

Dinner was quiet, almost awkward. Cas watched Dean rinse the dishes and followed him to the den, curling up against him on the couch. “Dean, I wasn’t reading that because…”

“Cas, you don’t have to explain yourself. I was being a dick, I know I was being a dick and I’m sorry. I was just a little surprised and I should have handled it differently.”

“You weren’t being a dick, you just don’t understand...”

“And I don’t have to. I shouldn’t have said anything. We can just drop it and relax.”

“I love you, Dean. You know that,” Cas said quietly after a long silence.

“Of course I do, Cas. I love you too.”

\-------------------------

The bible disappeared. Dean never saw it again.

\-------------------------

Cas had a light workload during the summer semester. Most nights Dean came home and Cas joined him in the shower before they made dinner together. Dean showed Cas pictures of the current renovation and they both shook their heads at the monstrosity it would be when finished. 

They spent the weekends at record or used bookstores, Dean watching Cas out of the corner of his eye to see which books he was drawn to, and then hating himself for it. They went to movies and held hands in the dark. They drove to the shore as often as they could. That’s where things felt real, when it was just them and the water. It cleared Dean’s mind of almost everything. Work, the garage that he’d promised to build but hadn’t started yet, a minor shift in their relationship. He knew that it was exhaustion and stress, it was his exhaustion and his stress. He worked 10 and 12 hour days and he couldn’t be easy to live with when he had a schedule like that. He needed time at the shore because he needed Cas. He needed to feel Cas’s chin on his shoulder with his arms wrapped around from behind, listening to him talk about nothing and everything. They touched and kissed for hours in the soft motel bed. Cas was as passionate and hungry as he’d always been and Dean needed to know that Cas wanted him. He laid awake, knowing that it was pathetic, but he’d never felt like this about anyone. He knew that there would be ups and down and he was just trying to figure out how everything fit. His job, the long hours, it took it’s toll some days. Sometimes Cas got quiet and he hated himself for feeling so needy, for wanting to be the center of attention the minute he got home. He needed to feel Cas come alive under his hands, he needed to taste his skin and hear his soft words, he needed to know that he could bring Cas pleasure that nobody else ever had. He needed to know that he was still Cas’s world. 

The drive home was quiet but peaceful. They held hands, fingers intertwined and resting on the seat between them, for hours. It was late when they finally got to the house and they crawled into bed, barely having the energy to share a kiss before they fell asleep, their arms around one another.

\-------------------------

“So, Gabe called me.”

Dean sat up slowly from where he had been lying with his head in Cas’s lap. It had been a few weeks since they’d gone to the shore and things had felt almost perfect. Everything seemed to have fallen into place. They were learning to live with each other’s schedules and just enjoy every minute that they had together. Dean swallowed hard and watched Cas pick nervously at the blanket that they had been sharing. “Is she…”

“No, she’s still alive. She’s bedridden and still refuses to see a doctor. I guess even the priest has encouraged her to see one, but she won’t. They don’t know how much longer she has.”

“Why did he call?”

“She wants to see me again. I don’t know why,” Cas scoffed, looking up at the ceiling. “I stand for everything that she hates. She can’t accept that her own flesh and blood, a child that she created, is less than perfect in her eyes. I guess in the eyes of the church in general. I’m an embarrassment. Who knows,” he sighed, “maybe she wants one last chance to tell me how much of a disappointment I am, that I always have been. I can’t forgive her, and I don’t want forgiveness from her. There are no amends to be made.”

“So…”

“So, and I can’t believe I’m even saying this, but I’m torn. If her dying wish is to see all of her children, and I don’t go, does that make me a heartless bastard?”

“No, Cas, it doesn’t. You don’t owe her anything. Hester was your family and you were by her side the entire time she was sick. You were there when she died. She loved you and you owed it to her. You did right by her. But Naomi? She hasn’t earned it.”

Cas dropped his head and looked at his hands. “I know,” he said quietly. “This is all so fucked up. The only one I could remotely relate to is Hannah, and I’m guessing even she won’t have anything to do with me. I can guarantee that the first thing Naomi told them was that I am living with a man.”

“A man who loves you more than anything,” Dean said, reaching for Cas. “When we talked about that first night I told you that this wasn’t a ‘guy’ thing, it’s a Cas thing. The anatomy is different than what I was used to, that’s it. There isn’t a woman out there who can make me feel the things that you can. This isn’t wrong, Cas. Nothing about this is wrong.”

“I know, Dean. I love you. Nothing can change that. I just want them to leave me alone. I’m not one of them anymore, I never really was and I don’t care if she goes to the grave with hatred in her heart because she’s the one who created it. She’s been dead to me for a long time.”

“So let her stay dead. I know that sounds harsh, but that’s where she belongs in your life. Just a bad memory.”

“I know,” Cas sniffled and pulled Dean closer. “It’s just hard, and I don’t know why.”

“It’s okay baby, you need to stop doubting yourself,” Dean laid back down and pulled Cas with him, pressing his lips gently against his neck, his cheeks, his lips. Cas was still tense when their tongues slid together, but slowly relaxed against Dean’s warm hands. They kissed and touched, their clothes dropped in a pile on the floor while their bodies moved together. It was slow and easy, a gentle haze of sweet whispers, velvet skin and sultry lips. It was with a tender need that they arched and rocked, soft moans building in their chests. They came quietly with loud sighs and gentle groans, holding their bodies close. They didn’t speak when Dean reached for his t-shirt to clean them up before rolling on his side and pulling the blanket over them before he wrapped his arms around Cas. The movie played while Cas’s even breaths and Dean’s soft snore permeated the room.

\-------------------------

They didn’t talk about Naomi again. Cas knew that nothing good would come from seeing her and he let it go. He just wanted his life back.

\------------------------- 

Dean finished the renovation job and took more pictures to send to Cas. It looked just as ridiculous as he knew it would, but the homeowner was happy and that’s what mattered to Kripke. He signed off on the paperwork and the only thing on his schedule for the next week were a few walk through inspections. 

He finally got to work on the garage that he needed to store his baby in the winter. It only took a few days to get it built and another day to paint. Cas teased him about not maintaining the historical integrity of the property by excluding columns and detailing. Dean smiled and told him that he was an asshole. He helped Cas grade his summer finals and was even tougher when it came to the essays. 

\-------------------------

“You would be the most unpopular teacher.”

“I thought it didn’t matter if you were a popular teacher. I thought it was about getting them to listen.”

“Shit, I did say that didn’t I?” Cas laughed from where he was sitting between Dean’s legs.

“Yeah, you did Professor. It’s not my fault that I learned enough in your class to know when these guys are trying to bullshit their way through their final.”

“You didn’t learn it all in my class.”

“Okay, that may be true. But, I did learn how you teach and what kind of tests you give.”

“And you’ve helped me grade them how many times?”

“I don’t know. How many semesters have we been sleeping together?” Dean chuckled.

“Apparently enough that you have my curriculum memorized.”

“That almost sounds dirty,” Dean said quietly, nipping at Cas’s ear. 

“You can make anything sound dirty.”

“I’m a multi faceted guy with many talents, what can I say?”

Cas laughed and leaned his head back for a kiss. “I am not ready to go back for fall semester.”

“You’ve had two weeks off.”

“That doesn’t mean that I’m ready to go back. Shit, I was supposed to have these grades posted days ago.”

“And you’re just now getting to them?” Dean laughed, working his way out from behind Cas and off the couch. “Beer?”

“Sure, and yes I am just now getting to them. It takes less time when you help me.”

“Then we should have started last week,” Dean called from the kitchen.

“You were working. Thanks,” Cas took the bottle from Dean and leaned forward so that he could climb back on the couch.

“I don’t work 24 hours a day. We’ve only had a few small reno’s and a couple of indoor jobs since we finished that big one.”

“The monster house?” Cas laughed.

“Yes, the monster house. I tried to 3D design it one night. Even the computer didn’t know what in the fuck the architect was thinking.”

“You still use that design program?”

“Once in awhile,” Dean shrugged, pulling the cold bottle to his lips.

“What have you designed?”

“Nothing, let’s get back to grading.”

“No, I want to see what you’ve designed.”

“Why, Cas? I mean I’ve just been fucking around with it, that’s all.”

“Yeah, but your fucking around is a hell of a lot better than some professional architect’s work. I think the monster house is proof of that. Grab your computer and let’s take a break from this.” Cas closed his laptop and set it on the coffee table, sliding forward so that Dean could get off of the couch again. He sat up and waited for Dean to sit next to him and turn his laptop on. He opened the program and handed it to Cas. “Holy shit, this is fucking unreal. Obviously it’s Victorian, but not like any Victorian I’ve ever seen.”

“I kind of borrowed ideas from a shingle style. I didn’t know if they would work together. I’m still not really sure.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? If this was a singular style I would be begging you to let me show it to my students. What else?”

“You’ve seen the Queen Anne, here’s the attempt at the monster house,” Dean laughed. “I think my computer actually asked me ‘what the fuck’ and shut itself down out of embarrassment a couple of times. How is it a guy like that becomes a professional architect but someone as talented as you are is teaching?”

“I told you, I couldn’t get a foot in the door and I’m really not as good as you think I am. I was able to draw up plans to renovate an existing home, that’s a hell of a lot easier than starting with just a foundation.”

“I’m the one who framed your drawings and built shelves for your models. I know how talented you are, Cas.”

“Then explain to me how after years of schooling, internships, and state boards exams, my boyfriend is a better architect than I could ever be?” 

“It’s a computer program, Cas. Anybody could do it if they knew the basics.”

“Okay, then build one.”

“What?” Dean laughed.

“I’ll buy the materials and you can build it using paper designs and blueprints only. Show me a model.”

“Cas, I can’t…”

“Yes you can. You don’t have any big jobs coming up. Do it in your spare time. You told me once how it blew your mind that the original builders had nothing but a pen and paper. You know the design aspect, but you also know construction. You actually are a step ahead of me.”

Dean sighed and ran his hands down his face, “okay, but I’ll do it out in the guest house. I don’t want you to see it until it’s a finished product, and if it’s a shitty finished project I probably still won’t let you see it,” he smiled, leaning in for a kiss. “I love you, Cas.”

“I love you too, and I believe in you. I wish you’d give yourself credit. I wish that you could see what I see.”

“Nobody has ever seen what you see. Now let’s finish grading tests and go to bed. Apparently I have a very small house to build.”

Cas smiled and waited for Dean to get settled before he leaned back and propped his laptop on his thighs. “Okay, so the unique feature of the Georgian style in the early 19th century…”

\-------------------------

Dean worked on the model between jobs while Cas was at work. He used dove tail joints instead of glue where he could. He used objects as weights to test the load bearing walls. He went through sheet after sheet of sandpaper. He wanted it to be perfect, he wanted Cas to see it as perfect. 

\-------------------------

Cas was quiet when he got home. He gave Dean a quick hug and kiss before going upstairs to change. Dean tried to shrug it off. He knew that the new course that Cas was teaching was stressful. It wasn’t what he was used to and he worried about how it was all coming together. Dean had done his best to leave him alone while he stared at his computer, doing research for his lectures. He was distracted and sometimes almost completely turned inward. Dean just had to believe that Cas would find a foothold and it would pass. 

\-------------------------

Dean made dinner and Cas went down to the cellar to choose a bottle of wine. He just stood in the dim light, staring at the racks. Dean had organized them, he knew where everything was, he just wasn’t in the mood to make a decision. He grabbed the closest bottle and turned the light off. Dean gave him a look, it wasn’t something that Cas would normally choose, but wine was wine so he shrugged it off. 

Cas was quiet at dinner. He talked, he smiled and asked a few questions when Dean told him that he was almost done with the model, but his eyes were vacant. All Dean had to do was look into them to know that Cas was hearing him, but not really listening. 

He tried talking him into listening to music or watching a movie, but eventually gave up and feigned exhaustion, leading Cas up the stairs and into the bedroom. They climbed into bed nude, just like they did every night. Dean pulled himself up on his elbow and searched Cas’s face before bending down and pressing their lips together. Cas kissed him back distractedly at first, but let the passion build. Dean knew that he could always bring Cas back sexually. Their physical connection was like nothing either of them had experienced, and they were able to lose themselves in it. He knew that Cas just needed to feel him. They kissed deeply, Cas reaching for him while he settled between his legs, their cocks trapped between them. He felt Cas’s hands run down his back and squeeze his ass, his thighs slide against his hips when he ran his full lips across Cas’s neck and throat. They started to move, but the rhythm was wrong. He could feel that Cas wasn’t completely hard. He slowed down and kissed Cas again, gently touching and caressing his body. He sucked and gently bit on his sensitive nipples, knowing it would work and smiled in the dark when he felt Cas start throbbing against him. He rocked his hips, feeling Cas’s hand pressing against the dip in his back, but the rhythm was still off. He finally just rolled onto his back and sighed before sitting up on the edge of the bed. It was time to be honest. He climbed off of the bed and reached for his clothes.

\-------------------------

“Dean, what are you doing?” Cas asked quietly, turning on the small lamp next to the bed.

“For once, I’m doing the right thing. I’m getting dressed and going home, Cas.” He pulled his jeans on and turned to see Cas sitting up in bed, his blue eyes confused and watery.

“This is your home.”

“No,” he grunted, putting his t-shirt back on. “This is your house, I live out back. You haven’t cashed my checks in probably close to a year, but my name is still on the lease. So, I’m going home.”

“What in the hell is going on? Why are you doing this?”

“Because it’s back, Cas. That part of you that thinks this is wrong, it’s back and I can feel it. I’ve felt it for awhile but I’ve lied to myself. I’ve come up with every excuse that I could think of to explain why you are quiet and distant, why sometimes you get tense when I touch you. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t keep lying to myself. Maybe it started the day that your brother showed up to tell you about your father. Maybe it didn’t hit until your mother knocked on the door, I don’t know, but it’s here in this room with us right now. I kissed you, I tried to make love to you, but it didn’t feel the same.”

“So it’s a bad night. It was bound to happen at some point. I’m sorry, I just…”

“This isn’t about being sorry, baby, but we both know that it’s more than just a bad night. Even on good nights, something has been off. I’ve tried to be patient and I’ve tried to be here for you, but maybe that’s making things worse.”

“What do you mean?”

“Because laying in bed next to me while you doubt yourself, while you listen to those words that are so ingrained in your mind that they made you believe that you were guilty when you were only seven years old, it makes the guilt real. Somewhere inside of you, you believe that this is wrong. Leaving here is the last thing that I want to do, but the longer we lie to ourselves the worse it’s going to get, and I am not putting you through that,” Dean’s voice caught. “I can’t touch you and make the questions and the guilt go away, not this time. I can’t fix the problem when I am the problem. I love you, Cas. God, I love you more than anything but I’m just a selfish prick who isn’t satisfied with 95% of you. I need 100% of you, and you can’t give me that. I need to know that I make you happy, but I’m not convinced that I really do anymore, and maybe that’s where you need to be honest with yourself. I am so sorry that your childhood was what it was and I’m even more sorry that it carried over into our life. I would do absolutely anything to change that. But when we’re together, I need all of you, here with me.” Dean felt the tears coming and turned away.

“Dean, it isn’t like that.”

“Yes, it is. We both know it, I’m just the one who finally said it.” Dean dropped his head and sighed deeply when he felt Cas’s arms from behind. “This is fucking killing me,” he said quietly, intertwining their fingers and holding their hands against his chest. “I love you, Cas. I love you with everything that I have and with everything that I am. I know this looks like a dick move, it feels like a dick move. I hate this. It’s the last thing that I want, but this is something that you need to work through without distractions.”

“Dean, you’re not a distraction...”

“Yes I am,” Dean’s breath shuddered. “I don’t blame you for anything baby, I really don’t. But I know that you’re not completely on board, and maybe you never really were.”

He let go of Cas’s hands and turned for a soft kiss before moving past him and walking away. Cas just watched his back as he left. His eyes closed when he heard Dean’s footsteps on the stairs. The sound of the back door felt like a punch in the chest, and for a moment he couldn’t breathe. 

\------------------------- 

Dean locked the guest house door behind him, something that he’d never done before. It was symbolic and he knew it. He was hurt and he was angry when he picked up the model house and threw it against the wall, watching weeks of painstaking work land in a pile on the floor. He was crying when he swept his books off of the shelf, kicking the few that landed at his feet. None of it was real. If he had to walk away from Cas, then he had to walk away from the man that he was when he was with Cas. He searched blindly in the cabinet for the bottle, not bothering to look for a glass. He sat on the couch and pulled it to his lips while the tears ran down his face. He had never felt more empty or alone.

\-------------------------

Cas stood in the dark attic looking across the yard. He could see the living room light on in the guest house, but he couldn’t see anything else. Everything that he wanted, everything that he loved was somewhere in that light. His world, it was just yards away from his back door but it was shattered. 

\-------------------------

Dean had a pounding headache and could barely open his eyes when his alarm went off. He had a kitchen renovation and had to be at the site by 9:00. He didn’t want to move, he didn’t want to get out of bed. He didn’t remember even going to bed. He’d had to drink himself to sleep. But, he knew that sitting in that house all day was not an option. He just needed a few cups of coffee and a quick shower. He just hoped that he could make it across the yard and past the big house to his car without breaking down.

\-------------------------

Cas hadn’t slept and ended up sending out a group message that classes were cancelled for the day due to illness. He knew that it was wrong when he waited for Dean to leave and went to the guest house. He wasn’t surprised when he found the door locked. He took his keys out of his pocket and opened the deadbolt. He saw the dent in the wall and the splinters of wood on the carpet, the books scattered across the room, a bottle of scotch sitting on the coffee table. The pain hit him like a wave when he closed the door and locked it behind him. He would give anything to take back last night, to take back the last few months. But he didn’t know if he could honestly say that he was 100% there. He had been pulled back into a mindfuck that had started at birth and Dean had been his only salvation. Now he had lost what mattered the most and he didn’t know how to save himself. 

\-------------------------

Dean could feel his phone go off, but he didn’t want to look at it. He knew that he had no choice, it may be the office calling. He didn’t know if he was relieved or disappointed when he saw that it was. He walked down the hall and answered it, holding his clipboard against his stomach and scribbling notes. The season was winding down and soon he wouldn’t have much work. He would have nothing to immerse himself in. He thought about going home, to Kansas, but he would just have to explain why. His mother would see it on his face, but if he couldn’t tell them about the relationship, he sure as hell couldn’t tell them about ending it. 

He finished his work day and took his time on the paperwork. He stopped and got something to eat and slowly drove home. His breath caught when he saw Cas’s car in the driveway and lights on in the house. He took a deep breath and crossed the yard to the guest house, fumbling with his keys to get the lock open. He grabbed the bottle of scotch and started to twist the cap before he put it back in the cabinet. He couldn’t drink himself to sleep every night. He picked up his books and put them back, taking the time to make sure they were in the right order, organized by subject matter. He was okay, he was keeping it together until he saw the fragments of wood on the carpet. The model that he’d built, that he’d built for Cas, he’d destroyed it. He heard his phone buzz and picked it up with trepidation. It was Sam. He didn’t have the energy to talk to Sam. He looked around and realized how many of his things he’d left at the big house. All he really cared about was his computer. It had pictures of his family on it that were irreplaceable. The rest, clothes and books, he could live without. He couldn’t bring himself to text Cas. He spent the rest of the night moving his entertainment system into the bedroom. He didn’t want to sit on the couch knowing which lights turned off and on in the big house. He didn’t want to know about Cas’s comings and goings. They both needed space.

\-------------------------

Cas’s car wasn’t in the driveway when he left for work, but there was a note on his windshield.

“I don’t know how this is supposed to work, I don’t know if you even want to speak to me, but I know that you’d want some of your things. They’re in a box in the garage. Putting them there was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I hate this and I’m so sorry.

I love you,  
C” 

Dean crumpled the note in his hand and fought back tears when he went to the garage for the box. He didn’t look inside when he set it down. He just smoothed out the note and laid it on top before closing the trunk and sliding behind the wheel. 

\-------------------------

Cas worked, came home and ate, and tried to stay busy until it was time for bed. He’d started sleeping in one of the guest rooms. He couldn’t bring himself to try and sleep in the bed that he’d shared with Dean. 

He knew that he was probably the only person on earth who laid on the floor and sobbed while listening to Black Sabbath.

\-------------------------

Dean didn’t know how many times he heard a voice and turned, a part of him hoping that it was Cas, but it never was. How many times he watched a movie or found a new book and out of habit picked up his phone and started a text. Everything was a reminder, the smell of his body wash, the taste of wine, clear days when the sky was that perfect shade of blue. This wasn’t messy or complicated, it was an open wound that showed no signs of healing. It was his own private hell.

\-------------------------

They were somehow able to avoid each other. It had been weeks, but the pain was still fresh. Dean’s stomach felt like an empty pit, his chest hurt every night when he held a pillow against it and tried to sleep. He hadn’t replaced his bottle of scotch, he knew that he couldn’t go that route. He didn’t go anywhere other than work. He couldn’t face the world alone. He still felt a magnetic pull towards the back door to the house every time he walked across the yard. He was lost and drifting. He started playing with the architectural program on his computer. It was somehow painfully cathartic. He was designing a full Tudor when his skype alert went off. “Hey princess,” he tried to smile.

“Hi Uncle Dean!”

“Did you lose another tooth?”

“I’ve lost three since Christmas, but that was a long time ago. Daddy finally stopped telling me not to play with them.”

Dean’s eyes softened and he gave Claire a half smile, “Well that’s good, princess, but you should always listen to your dad.”

“I know. But the tooth fairy brings me money.”

Dean chuckled and shook his head, “Well, I can’t really argue that.”

“Daddy was the one who wanted to talk to you, he just said that I could call and say hi before he kicks me out of his office.”

Dean chuckled again. That little girl had entirely too much attitude, and he was proud as hell. “Okay princess, let your dad kick you out. I love you.”

“Love you too Uncle Dean.”

Sam’s face came into view and Dean tried to smile, “Hey Sammy.”

“Hey, I’ve been trying to call you for weeks.”

“Yeah, the season is slowing down but luckily we’ve had some indoor jobs.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah Sam, I’m just...” Dean looked at his brother on the screen, at the concerned puppy dog eyes that he’d always teased him about, the lines crossing his forehead, and he made a decision. “No Sam, everything’s not okay,” he took a deep breath. “Everything has gone to shit and I’m completely fucking lost right now.” He ran his hands down his face. He couldn’t keep this in. He needed to talk to somebody, but his best friend, the person that he loved the most wasn’t an option.

“Personal?”

“Uh, yeah,” Dean said quietly.

“So a girl? How long?”

“A little over a year, and no it’s not a girl. My uh...landlord I guess, he was originally a client. Remember, Jess decorated his house? We got to be friends. He’s just as much of an outsider around here as I am and we like the same things. I moved into his guest house, we started hanging out all of the time, and things just...they changed.”

“Uh wow, I’m going to need a minute to absorb that.”

“I know, the guy thing. Take your time. I wasn’t exactly expecting it.”

“Well, guy or girl, a relationship is a relationship. So…”

“Like I said, it started a little over a year ago. It never felt wrong or weird, we just fit, you know? I eventually moved into his house and everything was great, it was perfect. I mean, he saw things in me, he brought things out in me that I didn’t realize were there. That’s how things were from the first day that we met. When I took his class…”

“Wait, you took his class?”

“I guess we go full disclosure here, Sammy. He’s a professor, the history of architecture. He uh...discovered that architecture is actually something that I know about. I know a lot about it. Same with American history, especially the Revolutionary War. Here,” Dean stood up and picked up his computer, walking into the living room with it. “That bookshelf, those are all mine and I’ve read most of them. People hide drug problems or alcohol. I hide books. It’s pretty pathetic when you think about it,” Dean chuckled quietly. “He figured it out before I ever said anything and invited me to take his seminar. He was still a client and we were just friends. But he graded me, fairly. He believed in my work. He made me believe that maybe there is more to me than a beer guzzling, womanizing, construction worker.”

“There always has been, Dean. You just wrote yourself off.”

“Sam, I know how to pair wine with dinner.”

“Okay, that one throws me for a loop.”

“And that’s the deep dark secret we keep to ourselves. I’d rather people know that I was sleeping with a guy than know that I always pair a red with pasta.”

“I’ll take it to my grave. But he didn’t bring anything out in you, he just made you finally see it. He didn’t know ‘Kansas Dean’ so he had no frame of reference.”

“And that’s why I fell so hard. I did, Sammy. God I fell hard, and fast. I’m up here alone, he’s alone.”

“He doesn’t have family?”

Dean lifted his eyes at the ceiling and sighed. “Actually, that’s the problem. He has a family in Massachusetts. Parents, two brothers, two sisters. Both of his brothers are priests and both of his sisters went to Mass twice a week. He black sheeped. He was singled out and abused in ways that make me sick. His mother is a religious zealot. He was beaten with a belt on the day of his First Communion because he wasn’t excited about it. There are lot more stories, that’s just one of the early ones. His childhood was ugly in ways you can’t imagine. It makes my fights with the old man look like minor disagreements. He left the first chance he got and he never looked back. He uh...he was actually married to a woman for five years, but obviously that didn’t work out. He came up here for his teaching position and to live with an aunt, to care for her when she got sick. When she died, he inherited the house. I seriously wish I could make a long story short here.”

“No, talk. Get it off your chest, man. You can’t just keep it in because eventually you’ll lose it.”

“Yeah, well that’s why I didn’t replace the bottle of scotch that I used to drink myself to sleep the night that I walked away. I guess the quickest way to make this long story short is that after the first um...night...he kind of pulled a walk of shame. I knew that a part of his brain was wired to believe that he was going to burn in hell for what happened, and I felt like shit for fucking up a friendship. Somehow we got past it. Things were good, some days were so amazing it was like it wasn’t real. I know that I never deserved him, I just hoped that he wouldn’t see it. So, a few months ago we were just kicking back, being lazy, and a priest knocks on the door. I know this sounds like the beginning of a really bad joke.” Dean sighed. “Actually, in it’s own way it is. It’s a huge cosmic joke. I stayed in the den, his brother didn’t even know that I was there. He’d stopped by because he was in the area visiting a friend and he thought that Cas should know that their father had died. He died weeks before his brother showed up on the doorstep. Cas was pissed. He was never close to his old man. Hell, he felt like he barely knew the guy, but he had been sick for awhile and nobody bothered to tell Cas. His brother went off about how he could come back to the family and be forgiven. The premarital sex with his ex wife, no church wedding, no kids, and a divorce. But his brother said he could bounce back, he didn’t even know about me...about us. He didn’t know anything about how Cas was living his life. Cas just showed him the door, but things started to change. Well, then his mother showed up. I thought it was the pizza guy so I answered to door, shirtless, covered in...well I guess we’ll just say marks. It didn’t take her long to figure it out. She told him that he was too far gone to be forgiven, but that she is dying of Cancer.”

“Holy shit…”

“Yeah, made for TV drama, right? After a pretty intense conversation, he showed her the door, but it wasn’t the same after that. I lied to myself. I made excuses and pretended that it was. I wanted to believe that it was. One night I finally realized that I couldn’t do it anymore. A part of him still believes that what we had was wrong and that wasn’t fair to either of us, especially him. I just got out of bed and came home. We haven’t talked since,” Dean took a shuddered breath and closed his eyes.

“You really loved him,” Sam’s voice was gentle.

“I still do, I always will. I mean, I get it now. Mom and dad, you and Jess, I get it. But mine is maybe half a football field away from me right now and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“So that’s who you were talking to at Christmas?”

“Yeah,” Dean said quietly, wiping away the tears before they could fall. “It was his first Christmas alone. I flew out there so that I wouldn’t be gone as long. I hated leaving him here.”

“Are you going to move?”

“Back to Kansas?”

“Anywhere. Kansas, you can always come here, out of that guest house.”

“I can’t Sammy,” Dean’s voice shook. “I’ve thought about it. I know that I have a job waiting for me in Kansas. I know that I have enough experience to start over somewhere else, but I can’t leave. I feel like a die a little more every time I pull up and park in this driveway, but at least here I know that he’s safe. I know that he’s as miserable as I am, but he’s home and not out doing something stupid.”

“You can’t keep an eye on him forever, Dean. You’ll never move on.”

“I don’t want to move on, Sam. He’s it. Nobody will ever compare. God, I feel like such an asshole and a pussy for dumping this on you.”

“Don’t. You’ve never talked to me like this before. In a lot of ways I’ve always felt like I don’t really know you. I didn’t think that you’d ever fall in love or have the interests that you have. You let everybody believe that you were just a charming asshole and that was it.”

“It’s a lot easier when nobody expects anything from you. Do you know how hard it was to keep my mouth shut at Christmas,” Dean chuckled lightly. “You guys would be talking about shit, the shit that Cas and I talked about, and I would almost butt in with an opinion or bring up an article that I read.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because it was a lot easier not to. So, I guess the short version is that I found my one, but I had to let him go because I can’t live with the idea of him feeling guilty or doubting himself every time we’re together.”

“There’s no way to fix it?”

“Years of religion shoved down his throat, starting at birth, how do you fix that? He can’t help it and I know it. It’s not his fault and that’s probably the worst part. Nothing went wrong, there was no huge blow out or fight. I finally stopped lying to myself and I did the right thing. I just hope that he can forgive himself for the time that he spent with me. I hope that he finds a way to reconcile that. I hope that he’s able to someday forget that we ever happened, or at least turn me into nothing more than a mistake on his part.”

“God Dean, I don’t even know what to say…”

“Is it the wine pairing or the broken heart?” Dean said with a small smile.

“Mostly the broken heart, but a little bit of both. Come visit, I’ll buy you a plane ticket. Just come out here for a couple of weeks. Take some time.”

“You don’t need to buy me a plane ticket, I have the money. I think the only rent check he ever cashed was the first one I gave him. He probably won’t cash what I give him next month or the month after that. I just can’t leave right now. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. I would feel like I’m abandoning him and I need to get my head straight.”

“But you’ll come for Christmas, right?”

“Of course, and I’ll fly again. It was a hell of a lot easier. Listen, I know I laid a lot on you and it’s probably going to take awhile to process. I get it if you want to tell Jess, but can we keep mom and dad out of the loop? I don’t know how the old man would feel about the whole ‘guy’ part of it and mom would be on the first plane out here. I can’t do the dramatic thing. I need to get through this myself.”

“No you don’t. You told me for a reason, and I’m glad that you did. Shit, I’ve probably learned more about you tonight than the thirty plus years that I’ve been alive.”

“Yeah,” Dean smiled. “Maybe I should apologize for that. I may regret this call in the morning.”

“Don’t. We don’t ever need to talk about it again if you don’t want to. I won’t bring it up, I know that Jess won’t bring it up. But I’m here, we’re here if you need us. Maybe talking to Jess would help.”

“Yeah, maybe someday. I’m just fucked up and trying to figure out how to get through it. It would be a hell of a lot easier if one of us had actually done something wrong.”

“I’m always here, Dean. Just don’t go so long without taking my calls. At least text me and let me know that you’re okay. Mom’s freaking out because she hasn’t talked to you either. I’ll try to run interference and smooth that one over, but you need to call her.”

“I know, and I will. Thanks Sam, I’m sorry that I…”

“Opened up to your brother? Don’t be. I feel for you, man. I see it on your face and I wish that I could fix it.”

“So do I,” Dean sighed. “Well, this is the most talking I’ve done in weeks so I’m going to try and get some shut eye. Thanks Sammy, for everything.”

“Anytime. Just take care of yourself.”

“Give my love to those two beautiful blondes.”

“I will,” Sam smiled before nodding and logging off the call. Dean ran his hands down his face and dropped his head. He didn’t know if he felt better or worse for having told Sam, he just knew that it made it more real now that somebody else knew. 

Dean crawled in bed, holding the pillow against his chest, hearing the sound of Gabriel’s voice and picturing Naomi standing on the porch. He cried tears of anger. They had taken away what he loved most, what Cas loved most, all in the name of doing the righteous thing. He wondered about Cas, he worried about Cas. He knew that Cas didn’t want this. He knew that Cas was devastated, but there wasn’t a damn thing that he could do.

\-------------------------

The days moved slowly. Cas became a robot in the classroom. He hesitated to show Dean’s model as an example, but it was too good not to. He cried himself to sleep that night. He laid on the floor and listened to music, eventually the sobbing turned to silent tears. He spent Thanksgiving eating a turkey sandwich and watching football, not knowing that Dean was doing the same thing. He finally knew where he’d find the answers and he was visibly shaking when he backed down the driveway and drove towards the church.

\-------------------------

Dean was just sitting down with a plate of food when he heard the knock. He considered not answering it, but he knew that he had to.

He opened the door but couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He stepped aside and let Cas in.

“She died last night.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Cas. I don’t know how things ended with the two of you, but still, it can’t be easy.” Dean had to hold his arms across his body to keep himself from reaching out. His chest hurt and he could barely breathe. A part of him desperately wanted Cas to leave, but that other part of him…

“It didn’t end well, but no, it wasn’t easy. Her last words to me, let’s just say that they weren’t very kind.”

“So uh, not to be a dick, but why are you here?”

“I don’t really know,” Cas said softly. “I guess maybe I thought that…”

“Now that she’s gone things can go back to the way they were?”

“I don’t know.”

“I can’t help you fuck away your guilt.”

Dean watched Cas’s head drop, the tears slowly landing on the tile in the entryway and he knew that he was out of line. “Listen, I love you, Cas. That’s never going to change. Trust me, I’ve tried to stop, but I can’t. You’re it, you always will be, but that doesn’t mean that I’m good for you. I know that it’s not your fault and maybe I should be more understanding. But I can’t live with the idea that you are going to question yourself every single time that we’re together.” He couldn’t stop himself when he reached out and pulled Cas to him, holding his shaking body. He could feel Cas clutching the back of his shirt and sobbing against his neck while his own tears coursed silently down his cheeks. “This is killing me, Cas,” he said quietly. “You have no idea how hard it is to live in your backyard and know that I can never touch you again. I die a little more every day. I’m not telling you this to make you feel like shit, I’m not blaming you for anything. I’m telling you this so you know that what we had was real, and I’m not just sitting here happily moving on with my life. I love you, I love everything about you. But just because Naomi Novak died does not mean that I can make love to you and you will lay your head on the pillow afterward without thinking about hell fire.”

“Dean…”

Their lips came together, Dean’s mind went blank when he deepened the kiss. He felt like he was home, he felt like it was somehow new, his body was already reacting. Cas’s hands were soft against his skin. He’d missed Cas’s scent, his taste, the way their bodies fit together. He was losing himself when he finally pulled away, “I...I can’t do this, Cas. If we go into that bedroom and make love, but I wake up alone or I see guilt and confusion, it will destroy me,” he cried softly. “I can’t do that to myself, and I can’t do it to you. I cannot be the reason that you can’t face yourself in the mirror.”

Cas looked at him with teary eyes, a shade of dark blue that Dean had never seen before. He nodded silently, kissed Dean gently, and pulled the door closed behind him. Dean waited until he heard the doorknob click before he slid down the wall and let his head drop between his knees. He cried until he didn’t think he could cry any more and then crawled into bed and held the pillow against his chest, not bothering to wipe away the fresh tears. It took every ounce of willpower that he had to stay in that house and not walk across the lawn. He knew that Cas would let him into his bed, but just feeling him in his arms set him back. He was starting to remember why he’d been the man we was before he’d moved to Maine. It was empty and hollow, but it was painless.

\-------------------------

Dean was able to talk Kripke into driving him to the airport. He figured playing taxi was a fair trade for the Christmas bonus that he’d been planning to give Dean. It was a quiet drive, but Dean wasn’t known for being much of a talker. He turned the radio up to break the awkward silence and dropped Dean off on the sidewalk with his bags and a promise to pick him up when he came back.

Dean white knuckled it all of the way to Chicago again, leaving his phone in his pocket while he walked through the terminal. He was able to stay a little calmer on his way to Kansas City, and seeing his parents brought tears to his eyes. The sweet hug from his mother, the bear hug from his old man, it was the only affection that he’d felt in months other than the night that Cas showed up unexpectedly. But he’d already tried to push that out of his mind. He was quiet over lunch, somber. He played it up as exhaustion and again fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow in his childhood bedroom. 

He smiled on Christmas morning when his mom opened up her new coffee maker. She was delighted that John could make his own coffee, one cup at a time. The old man seemed to like the new watch, and Dean just grinned at the clothes, obligatory boxers and socks, that ended up in a pile in front of him. They talked about Maine, they talked about work, they talked around everything else. Mary had seen changes in Dean the year before, but this year it seemed deeper. He smiled and laughed, he was genuinely happy to be there. For the first time in months he didn’t feel alone. Maybe he should move back, stay away from the bars and live quietly. The thought was appealing, appealing enough to spend a morning drinking coffee and looking at apartment listings. It was time to move on and it was time to let Cas go. He wasn’t just keeping himself a prisoner in that guest house, Cas was one as well. As long as he lived there, a part of Cas would always be paralyzed. 

The drive to Sam’s didn’t seem as arduous and he got huge hugs from both Sam and Jess when he walked in the door. Claire was jumping up and down, dying to know what was in the big box that they’d received a few days ago. “Slow down, sweetie. Daddy needs to talk to Uncle Dean for a minute.” Sam led him to the study and handed him a glass of scotch, gesturing for him to sit down. “How are you doing?”

“Fair to partly cloudy. I’m uh, thinking of moving back.”

“To Kansas?”

“Yeah.”

“Is that what you really want?”

“I can’t have what I want, Sam. There’s no reason for me to stay. It’s not getting better, I mean it’s stagnant at best. It’s not good for me and it’s not good for him. I need to just rip off the bandaid.”

“I’m sorry, man.”

“Yeah, well now I know that all of those times I told chicks I didn’t want a relationship because they were complicated and messy, I was right,” he tried to smile, holding his glass out for a refill.

“Hey, sometimes things get complicated and messy between me and Jess. That doesn’t mean…”

“It’s done, Sam. There’s no going back. I honestly can’t see how we could. It kills me that his family fucked him up the way that they did, and it kills me even more that just being with me made it worse.” Dean took a sip of his drink and looked over at his brother, “his mother died a couple of weeks ago.”

“And you know this…”

“He showed up at my door.”

“How was that?”

“Painful, tempting, a major setback. It’s time to move on. Not into another relationship, I’m not going through that shit again, just life in general. I’m just wondering if going back to Kansas is really moving on or taking a step backward.”

“You can always come here.”

“I know, but where would I go visit when I needed to get away? Kansas to Cali is relaxing as hell. Cali to Kansas? Yeah, not so much. I figure I’ll just keep to myself, avoid the old scene while my friends call me a pussy, and expand my book collection,” Dean finally smiled. 

“You do what you need to do. Now we better get out there before that little girl’s head explodes. She has been dying to open that box and I have to admit that I’m a little curious myself.”

Dean stood up and pulled his brother into a hug. “Thanks Sam, for everything.”

“You’re my brother. There’s no need to thank me.”

\------------------------- 

Claire stood next to the box that was almost as tall as she was, her eyes wide, just waiting. When Sam finally nodded and smiled she tore into the wrapping paper.

“Here, let me open that for you, princess.” Dean carefully worked a pocket knife along the tape and opened the top, reaching inside to gently pull out Claire’s Christmas gift. He kicked the box aside before he set the dollhouse on the floor. He unlatched it and swung it open, exposing the two halfs.

“Is that real wood?” Jess asked, leaning forward.

“Uh yeah.”

“That must have cost a fortune.”

Dean laughed when Claire threw her arms around his waist, almost knocking him backwards. “Thank you, thank you, thank you Uncle Dean!”

“You’re welcome princess. And no, it didn’t really cost a fortune. I know a guy.”

Sam caught his eye and raised his eyebrows. Dean just smiled and shrugged. Building that dollhouse by hand had kept him sane after the slow season started. It was tedious and took concentration that didn’t leave room for the desolation to consume him. That only happened at night now. 

“So it’s handmade?” Jess asked, unable to tear her eyes away from the fine details.

“Yeah,” he smiled. “All handmade. The furniture and everything. Sorry, I couldn’t find a good designer for the interior. You guys are on your own there,” he winked.

“That is amazing, Dean.”

Dean turned to his mother and stopped himself before thanking her. They didn’t need to know. “Yeah, it turned out pretty much like I pictured it. It’s one of a kind. You,” he grinned, squeezing Claire in a hug, “are the only girl in the world with a dollhouse like this. Nobody else will ever have one.”

“Thank you, I love it!”

“I’m glad, princess,” Dean smiled, kissing the top of her head before letting her go. 

“That’s uh...a hell of a present Dean. It must have taken a lot of time and effort,” Sam smiled.

“A month, month and a half maybe. Here, let me show you some things.” Dean sat on the floor next to Claire and they went through it room by room. “See, the blinds open and the windows slide.”

“Is that real glass?”

“Yep, so you’ll have to be careful. The doors open and close, but the doorknobs don’t turn. They are way too small for that. This is the coolest part. It’s all been wired. There’s a battery pack between these two walls, you just have to slide this piece of wood right here to get to it. But when you flip this little switch,” Dean waited for Claire to flip the small switch and saw the chandeliers and lamps glow softly, “you have lights.” Dean laughed when Claire squealed and threw her arms around his neck. He watched her run to her room to grab some dolls, yelling for him to stay where he was so that they could play. He looked over at his brother and smiled. 

“Whoever this guy is, he is seriously talented. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“I’ll tell him that the next time I see him, Sam.”

Claire flopped back on the floor next to her Uncle Dean and dropped a pile of dolls, letting him choose first. Dean hadn’t felt like this in months. The decision was made, it was time for him to be back with his family.

\------------------------- 

“I’ll get it,” Jess groaned. “It’s probably the Miller’s. They haven’t dropped off their annual fruit basket yet.”

Dean was oblivious, sitting on the floor with Claire, barely hearing the low drone of voices around them. He felt the room go silent, he felt the tension before he lifted his head and saw Cas. He was standing in the archway to the family room, his watery eyes locked on Dean. Dean set the dolls on the floor and stood up slowly. “Cas…” he whispered. “What are you…”

“I uh...I was hoping that we could talk,” Cas said softly, trying to keep the tears out of his voice. He hadn’t really seen Dean. Other than the night after his mother died, he hadn’t seen those green eyes in months. 

“But how did you…”

“Return address on your birthday card. You left it behind when you moved back to the...” Cas’s breath shuddered. He felt a tear slide down his cheek and the tension was overwhelming. He took a deep breath and ran his hand down his face. “You know what?” he tried to smile. “Maybe I shouldn’t have assumed that you’d even want to talk to me.” He dropped his head and started playing with the key in his hand. “I’ll just..um...I’m sorry to have interrupted.” He turned towards the kitchen, realizing that he’d made a mistake by coming there.

Dean could feel it in his chest, the suffocating weight. Everything that he loved, everything that he wanted had traveled 3,000 miles and was standing ten feet away from him. He was stunned, a deer caught in headlights, until he watched Cas turn away. “Wait...” He could feel everyone in the room staring at him, but he was fixated. Cas had something to say, and he knew that he needed to hear it. “We can talk,” he said quietly, grabbing his jacket from the back of a chair. Cas handed him the key to the rental car and Dean followed him out the door without looking back.

\-------------------------

“Mommy, wasn’t that the man that you were talking to on the computer about furniture?”

“Um, yes sweetie, it was,” Jess answered, giving Sam a confused look.

“Why did he come here? And why was he crying?”

“He uh, came to talk to Uncle Dean,” Sam stammered.

“Sam, what is going on?”

Sam looked at Jess before he turned to his mother, “I really don’t know. But he’s either going to come back broken or he’s not going to come back tonight at all.”

“You mean…”

“It’s not my place to say. We had a long talk and now I understand Dean in ways that I never did before.”

“So what you’re saying, without actually saying anything, is that the changes we’ve seen in your brother go a lot deeper than just moving across the country?”

“John, don’t…”

“I’m not judging, Mary. I feel for the kid. The way things are today, I never thought I’d see it, especially from Dean. I may not understand it, I don’t understand it, but if he finds a way to be happy then I accept it. If that boy has found someone who can put up with his shit, he needs to hang on.”

\-------------------------

“I always wanted you to see the Pacific,” Dean said quietly, putting the car in park. “Maybe not like this, but this beach here is the flip side to that cove on the shore. I know that there are scientific reasons, facts. But in my mind, that just shows that sometimes the most complex things are simple and the simple things are complex.” He got out of the car and waited for Cas before he walked slowly across the parking lot, his boots finally sinking into the damp sand. “You came a long way, probably spent a shit ton of money, I really can’t imagine what you have to say that would bring you all of the way out here. I mean, I’ll be back in Maine in a few days.”

“I needed neutral ground. Back there, it’s all memories. Everywhere I go reminds me of you...of us. I can’t talk about this when we’re surrounded by the past.”

“Fair enough,” Dean nodded, watching Cas’s shadow as they walked. “So I’m guessing that this is the awkward moment when neither one of us knows how to start this conversation?”

“I’ve been talking to a priest.”

“Well, that brings awkward to a whole new level. So how many Hail Mary’s did you get? My guess is you’re just taking a break from them. I can’t imagine them letting you off the hook that easy.”

“I’m not looking to be let off the hook, it isn’t like that. He’s nothing like Naomi or Gabe or Mike. He’s young and a lot more open minded. He told me that it’s okay if I don’t believe. That even though I spent so many years being told what is right and what is wrong, in the end it’s all subjective. Life is gray area and as long as I have faith and hope, the decisions that I make are mine. I have to live with them. I need to have faith that I’m doing what is right for me, and I need to accept the consequences.”

“Consequences as in going to hell? I’m not trying to be a dick, I’m really not. I’m trying to figure out where this is going.”

“I know you’re not trying to be a dick. I did this, it’s all me.”

“No it isn’t, Cas,” Dean said softly. “To be honest, I wish it was. You know, I talked to Sam. I told him everything. I told him that if this had been a fight, something big, something that pissed me off then it would be a hell of a lot easier. It snuck up on us and just happened. That’s how it started and that’s how it ended. We didn’t see it coming. We just opened our eyes one day and realized it was there.”

“That’s because the consequences that I saw weren’t mine, they were hers. It was the shit that was fed to me at school, at church, at home. It was always about fear and I always knew that it wasn’t right, I just didn’t know how else to look at it. Nobody gave me an instruction manual explaining how to get her voice out of my head. It’s like I just needed that moment with her where we could agree to disagree so that I could prove that there is gray area, but it didn’t happen. Up until the end it was black and white. She used her faith to justify what she did to me and she went to the grave knowing that, as much as I’d denied it, she still had power over me.”

“Is that why you knocked on my door that night? Because when she died so did that voice?”

“That’s what I’d hoped, it’s what I wanted, but you were right. You were right to push me away because it would have been a mistake.”

“Ouch,” Dean whispered, looking out over the water.

“That night would have been a mistake, Dean, but everything that happened before it...it wasn’t. None of it. I don’t have any regrets because what I feel for you is a hell of a lot stronger than anything I’ve ever felt. Everything before you, fear, love, it was expected and it was purposeful. I mean with Meg, I cared about her and I respected her, but I married her because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. I never fell in love with her. You blindsided me. You came out of nowhere. You are beautiful and perfect and the last thing that I ever expected. You said it yourself, we didn’t see it coming. But it did and it changed everything, the way that I see the world, the way that I see myself. I’m not the same man that I was the day you followed Professor Novak around that house with a clipboard. That’s the consequence. My life, everything about it is better because you have been a part of it and I know that showing up on your doorstep with two wine glasses and a corkscrew was the best decision that I ever made. We were that nauseatingly in love couple, we fucking defined gray area. I had ownership of that, I had a life that was perfect, even when we got on each other’s nerves. You let me be me, you needed me to be true to who I am and nobody had ever done that before. Nothing bad can come from that, I know that now. Even if this is the last conversation that we ever have, I know that the only repercussion from the time that I spent with you is that I was lucky enough to share space with somebody who never judged me. Somebody who I know loved me when I was the Professor and when I was just Cas. I never had to prove anything to you because you accepted me as is, the scars, the damage, the entire package. All you wanted from me was my time.”

“I was needy as fuck, Cas.”

“No, Dean. You watched me falling back down the rabbit hole and you were helpless to stop it.”

Dean stopped walking and turned towards the water, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I pushed you down that rabbit hole.”

“No, you didn’t. Dean, look at me, please.”

Dean turned his head and finally looked into those eyes, “You know that blue eyes can steal a man’s soul, right?”

“I shredded that receipt. Dean, I know that I can’t live my life without faith and hope. You always had faith in me…”

“I always will, you know that.”

“And that’s where hope comes in. I could never lay my head on a pillow and feel guilty because you’re next to me. The guilt wasn’t real, you were. I heard voices in my head and I felt like I was seven years old, afraid of the belt because I’d done something wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong when I was seven years old and I sure as hell didn’t do anything wrong by being with you. The only regret I have is that I didn’t stay that first night and let you brew me coffee in the morning. I can’t take that back, I can’t take back those last few months when I wasn’t there with you 100%. But you were wrong when you said that maybe I was never completely on board. You were my world and it shattered when I heard the door shut behind you that night. You were my salvation. You were my teacher. I was so confused in the beginning and when I asked questions you held me and told me that we were living. It sounded so simple.”

“But became so complex…”

“Because I let it. You were right, we were living. For the first time in my fucking life I felt like I was living,” Cas voice broke. “Every day with you meant something to me. Without you, I’m not really living, Dean. I go through the motions but I don’t see the beauty. I feel like I’ve lost Cas, like I’ve lost my flip side because you are the only person who has ever really seen it. You made it real and I don’t know what to do without it.”

Their eyes were locked, the toes of their boots separated by just inches. The last of the beach goers were packing up. The waves and call of the seagulls overhead were nothing more than a distant hum. The silence between them became palpable and Cas finally dropped his head. He’d said what he came there to say, the rest was up to Dean.

“So marry me.”

“What?” Cas slowly lifted his head and saw the raw intensity in Dean’s green eyes.

“Marry me. I’m not talking about matching rings or somebody changing their last name. People say that it’s just a piece of paper. Give me that piece of paper. Let me frame it and hang it on a wall so that I can look at it every day and know that we promised to live because it’s what we want, even when things get rough. Give me something that will remind me that no matter what happens, you come first...we come first. It’s a commitment that we have to work together, openly and honestly, every single day so that we never lose faith in what we are. You’re it Cas, there could never be anybody else. I was right when I said that love is messy and complicated, I just never knew that it was worth it. I never knew that sitting on a couch grading college finals could make me happy. I framed your designs and blueprints for a reason, and you were right. I did it because those were the things that brought us together. I want to frame something that says that you are my world and I am yours.” Dean reached out and slid his hand up the side of Cas’s face, gently wiping away the tears with his thumb. “It’s you, it’s always been you. But you needed to fill in the rabbit hole and you needed to do it without my help,” he said softly. “Cas Novak is just as real as The Professor, and I don’t want to live without either one of them.”

“I love you, Dean.”

“I love you too, baby. With everything that I have, and everything that I am.” 

Cas reached for Dean and pulled him close for a long and tender kiss. “I’m so sorry, Dean,” he whispered. “Don’t be sorry. You had questions, and I had to let you go so that you could find the answers.” Dean moved behind Cas and wrapped his arms around him, resting his chin on his shoulder. “Look out there, tell me what you see.”

Cas looked out over the smooth waves moving slowly against the sand, turning to white foam as the water receded. He saw the sun shimmering and reflecting off of the water. He saw blue sky melding with blue water at the horizon. “Hope, beauty, our future in a wooden frame,” he said quietly.

“Me too.”


	2. Reinvention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean wants nothing more than his life with Cas. Cas wants nothing more than for Dean to be true to who he really is. Dean lives in shadows and Cas lives with uncertainty. Can they find a way to live the life they've both always wanted?

Dean put the car in park and took a deep breath before cutting the engine and getting out. He sighed, nervously tapping the key against his hand before shoving it in his pocket and walking to the door. He knocked lightly and opened it slowly, barely crossing the threshold when Claire squealed and wrapped her arms around his waist. He reached down distractedly and ran his hand across her silky blonde hair, bending down to replace it with a kiss. “Hey princess.”

“I missed you last night. We didn’t finish playing with my dollhouse.”

“I know, and I’m sorry about that. I just had something that I needed to take care of.” He let her take his hand and lead him into the family room. They stopped in the archway and he understood some of what Cas must have felt the day before. The looks, the confusion, the tension. It was directed at him and he knew that he needed to explain himself. He couldn’t tread lightly, not anymore, not with his family.

“Dean,” Jess gave him a sweet smile. “Do you want some coffee? It’s still hot.”

“Uh, yeah. That would be great.” He was rooted in place when Jess walked past, stopping to squeeze his shoulder. 

“Are you hungry?”

“Uh no, we already...I mean I...I’m good. But thanks.”

“Are you going to stand there all day? Or are you going to come sit?”

He heard his father’s voice, but he still couldn’t bring himself to look at the man. He knew that it was all there, on his face and in his eyes. He probably didn’t need to say anything. He took another deep breath before throwing his jacket over the back of a chair and taking the mug of hot coffee from Jess. He followed her into the family room and sat on the loveseat, grateful for Claire’s affection when she crawled up next to him and worked her way under his arm, snuggling against his side. “So uh...about yesterday. I should probably explain.”

“Dean, you don’t need to…”

“No mom, I do. And not just because I feel like I owe you an explanation. It’s time to be honest. I know you probably have questions and I’m not going to lie or hide.” He pulled Claire to him and kissed her on top of the head again before letting go and setting the mug on the end table. His head dropped and he looked at his hands, not knowing where to start. He knew that they were all watching him and he could picture their facial expressions. Jess’s open and honest eyes, the creases in Sam’s forehead, his mother’s small smile, his old man with his arms crossed and his face neutral. “So, that was Cas Novak. The huge renovation last year was his. I spent so much time wandering around his yard and his house, we got to be friends. We realized that we are a lot alike, almost too much alike sometimes,” he softly chuckled. “I guess it’s pathetic, I don’t know, but I’m in my 30’s and for the first time I felt like I had a true friend.” He didn’t know why this was so hard. He wasn’t ashamed, he was proud of Cas. But other than Sam, he’d never talked to anybody about it. “Um...eventually things, they changed.”

“We know, Dean.”

Dean lifted his head and looked at Sam before turning toward their father, unable to meet his eyes. 

“It was pretty clear when you looked at the guy. You walked out of here yesterday without hesitation, and you didn’t look back. The only time a man does that is when he’s walking towards something that’s worth fighting for. Now I’m a hard headed son of a bitch who may not understand exactly how things work these days, but I also know that I did everything I could to raise you boys right. We’ve clashed over the years and your mother likes to tell me it’s because we’re so damn much alike. If that’s true, then I think we both know how hard it is to find somebody who is willing to see through your bullshit. If he looks at you the way that your mother looks at me, then walking out of here yesterday may have been one of the smartest things you’ve ever done. I’m not here to judge you, Dean. You’ve forged your own path, and I’m proud of that. The only thing that has changed since yesterday morning is that you missed a hell of a dinner, and nobody was allowed to touch that dollhouse until you came back. Apparently you and that little blonde girl have some unfinished business. 

Dean quietly cleared the lump in his throat and finally looked at his father, “Thanks dad.”

“Is this one of those moments when we’re supposed to hug it out?” John grinned.

“I don’t think we’re contractually obligated,” Dean finally smiled.

“Nah, but we both know that it will make your mother cry those happy tears and shit. Come here and give this hard headed bastard a hug.”

Dean crossed the room and pulled his dad into a bear hug. His eyes were wet and he subtly wiped them before he pulled away.

“You’re a good kid, Dean. Let yourself be happy.”

“I’m working on it,” he said with a sigh. He looked down at his mother and saw the emotion. He didn’t want to be the center of attention, he didn’t want to make the round of hugs, but he owed it to her. He knelt down and wrapped his arms around her. 

“So, uh, where’s your friend?” Sam finally asked.

“He’s at his hotel. This is all a little overwhelming, actually it’s a lot overwhelming. I needed to come here alone and to be perfectly honest, I think he’s scared shitless.”

“But everything’s okay?”

Dean’s eyes were soft when he looked at his brother and smiled, “Everything’s okay.”

\-------------------------

Cas tried to go back to sleep after Dean kissed him softly and took the room service tray with him when he left. He paced, feeling elated and terrified at the same time. He replayed the things that were said at the beach, the soft words that were whispered long into the night, and it made him feel whole again. He finally laid back on the bed and closed his eyes, needing to remember every sound, every touch, every scent that he’d experienced in the last 24 hours:

\------

Cas didn’t know how long he sat in the Winchester’s driveway, his forehead resting against the steering wheel of the rental car. He knew it was impulsive, flying across the country in hopes that Dean would hear him out, but he needed to do this. He needed Dean to hear the words while they still made sense and he wasn’t paralyzed by fear. He got out of the car and told himself that the worst thing that could happen is that he’d end up leaving alone. Dean hadn’t really talked to him in months. The night after Naomi died, the night that he’d gone to the guest house, he was confused and irrational. Dean had done the right thing when he pushed him away. He took a deep breath, at this point he had nothing more to lose, he’d already lost what mattered the most. He hesitated before he knocked and was almost comforted when he saw that it was Jess holding the door open. Her eyes were wide and she gasped slightly when she saw him, but her face was familiar as was her soft smile when she invited him in. He followed her silently, he could hear Dean’s voice and laughter intermingled with Claire’s. His chest already hurt, but it somehow made the pain more profound. He’d missed the sound of Dean’s happiness. He almost turned away before Dean could see him. If the last sound he heard was Dean’s laughter instead of frustration and pain, a part of him would be satisfied. But, he was rooted in place and the tension was palpable. He saw shadows out of the corners of his eyes, knowing that it was Dean’s family, but he was fixated. He was visibly shaking when Dean turned and looked at him, he’d never looked more perfect and Cas had never felt more foolish. It was through a fog that he watched Dean stand up, agree to talk to him, and they walked out of the house together.

The drive was a silent blur, the walk to the beach nothing more than watching himself put one foot in front of the other. He needed to focus on what he had to say and not be derailed by the perfect profile, smattering of freckles, and full lips. He didn’t know how Dean would react when he told him that he’d spoken to a priest, he just knew that he needed to be completely honest, so he started to talk. The pain was almost physical when he realized that Dean really did blame himself, for everything. He’d promised himself that he wouldn’t get emotional, that he wouldn’t fall apart, and he came so close to keeping that promise. He said what he needed to say and he stood, both still and trembling at the same time. It was surreal, it was through a fog that he heard it.

“Marry me.”

He looked into those green eyes, the eyes that held every part of his being and he saw that Dean didn’t want an apology, he wanted a promise. It was that simple, he just wanted a promise that Cas was there, that he was Cas again. He relaxed against Dean’s body and closed his eyes when he felt Dean’s chin resting on his shoulder. 

“So what happens now?”

“Tonight? Or the big picture?” Dean whispered.

“Either, both…”

“I just need tonight, Cas. The big picture will be there in the morning, it will be there every morning. Tonight I need The Professor and I need Cas. We need to live.” 

He felt Dean’s lips against his neck and their fingers intertwine. They walked slowly to the car and he gave Dean the name of his hotel.

\------

Cas didn’t understand why he was hesitant and confused when he heard the hotel room door close. Everything inside of him wanted to reach for Dean. They were on a cusp that felt almost staged. The first time they’d made love on an impulse, but now it was conscious. He stepped forward when Dean reached out and wrapped his arms around him. “It’s been a crazy day,” Dean said quietly. “I could seriously use a shower.”

He smiled when he felt Dean’s lips press softly against his neck. A shower, there was comfort in the intimacy, a reason to strip. Dean followed Cas into the bathroom and turned on the water. Their clothes dropped to the floor and their bodies came together when they felt the warm tile beneath their feet. Their lips were passionate and lingering, their hands knowing all of the places that needed to be touched. They were dizzy and breathless, but they were home. 

Their skin was still damp when Cas crawled into bed, reaching for Dean, spreading his legs. Dean didn’t question the small bottle sitting on the nightstand, but he didn’t reach for it either. He moved his mouth along Cas’s body, pulling a nipple gently between his teeth, running his lips across the subtle ridges of muscle on his stomach, sucking and nipping at the sensitive skin along his hips and thighs. He needed to do this right, he needed to make Cas feel things, he needed to see what he saw in Cas’s eyes when they went to the shore. He crawled slowly up the bed, pressing his lips to Cas’s, parting them and sliding their tongues together slowly. Their hard cocks were trapped between them, the subtle rocking was both intimate and intense. “I need you inside of me,” Cas whispered. Dean silently reached for the bottle, slipping a finger inside of Cas while his other hand roamed his chest, his stomach, stopping to gently caress the silky skin of his shaft. Dean found it with the second finger, the smooth spot that took Cas’s breath away and made the pain of the third finger bearable while he desperately waited. He gasped at every inch when Dean slid himself slowly inside, running his hands down Cas’s thighs and across his stomach before wrapping his fingers around his cock. Cas lifted his hips, meeting the gentle thrusts while Dean stroked before finally letting go, pressing their bodies together. Their mouths met in a deep kiss, soft moans and whimpers escaping Cas’s chest. The velvet friction, the indescribable pleasure inside of him, he was already there. He spread his legs wide and cried out. “I’m right there too, baby,” Dean moaned when Cas slid his trembling thighs against his hips. He buried himself deep and came hard with a loud groan. Their hearts were pounding as their bodies melded, Dean panting against Cas’s neck. He finally held himself up on his elbows and trailed his fingers along the side of Cas’s face. “I love you, Cas, but I need to know…” he said quietly, searching Cas’s eyes. “I just hear you telling me that we need to live,” Cas whispered. “Sometimes saying I love you still doesn’t feel like enough.” Dean dipped his head, running his lips across Cas’s collarbone and shoulder. He pulled out and rolled onto his back, reaching for Cas’s hand and pulling it to his lips. “I know, baby. I know.”

They showered again and curled up together, kissing and touching, emitting soft sighs and promises. Cas finally felt the gentle lips on the back of his neck and heard the soft snore. For the first time in months, he felt like he could breathe.

\-------------------------

“I need to go outside and make a call,” Dean said, looking around the room at the relieved faces. He pulled the door closed behind him and waited for his favorite pair of blue eyes. “Hey baby,” he grinned.

“Hey, so how’s it going?”

“Well, there was no savage brawl and the old man didn’t have a heart attack. I’d consider that a win.”

“I can see that you walked in there with low expectations and a positive attitude,” Cas smiled.

“Hey, when you’re expectations are low then you are pleasantly surprised when good shit happens.”

“That needs to be a t-shirt.”

“I’ll get right on that. So, back to the pleasant surprise. Believe it or not, my old man was actually the one who started the conversation. Well, that’s not entirely true, he let me get about six sentences into my speech and stopped me.”

“And…”

“Oh, you want to know what he said?”

“You are such an asshole,” Cas chuckled.

“God, I’ve missed you. Anyway, he doesn’t understand it but apparently I’m a hard headed son of a bitch and if you’re willing to put up with my bullshit, then following you out of the house was the smartest thing I’ve done. That’s the short version, I figured I’d edit out all of the warm and fuzzy parts,” Dean smiled. “But, it ended with a hug and turned on my mom’s waterworks.”

“So how are you feeling?”

“Tired, relieved, ready for a drink.”

“It’s barely noon,” Cas laughed.

“People have cocktails with lunch. You’re taking the red eye tonight?”

“Yeah, just getting a flight here and back was a fucking joke. I had to take what I could get.”

“Okay, well let me wrap things up here and I’ll be back. I love you, baby.”

“I love you too, Dean.”

\-------------------------

“Wait, you just want to stay here?”

“We can go somewhere if you want. Get drinks or something to eat.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Cas, I don’t want us to get ahead of ourselves here. I get it, I do. If this were a book or a movie then flying across the country, a romantic reunion on the beach, and then some seriously hot sex would be followed up by a sweet dinner with the family. This isn’t a book or a movie and I need this to be about us.”

“Are you ashamed?”

 

“What? You’re kidding, right? My entire family knows where I slept last night and who was in the bed with me. I didn’t know how my old man was going to react, but I faced him and I was ready to say the words. This has nothing to do with us as a couple and everything to do with how overwhelming this is. Think about the last few months. I’m still a little fucked up and I know that you are too. I have absolutely no doubt that we are going to be fine, we are going to go home and be that nauseating couple again, I want that more than anything. What I don’t want is to throw a houseful of Winchesters at you, not today. We have the rest of our lives, baby. I need us, just us, and I don’t want to spend the rest of your time in L.A. arguing. I love you, Cas. I love you more than anything and I am so fucking proud that you do see through my bullshit. I want my family to know you, but not like this, not until we have ‘us’ back all the way,” Dean reached out and pulled Cas to him. “You are beautiful and perfect and more than I deserve. Maybe I’m being a total asshole, and tearing up the script here, but we’re not ready.”

“I just hate the idea that the only image they have of me is standing in the archway, crying.”

“We’ll change that, but the timing isn’t right. Let me buy you dinner and then just spend some time with you before I have to drop you off at the airport.”

“I love you, Dean.”

“I know, baby. I love you too,” Dean pressed his lips to Cas’s temple. “Let’s go get something to eat and then come back here and I’ll show you how much I’ve missed you.”

\-------------------------

Dean was gentle when he touched Cas, his hands and mouth almost reverent as they moved across his body. The defined ridges of muscle under soft skin, the fine sheen of sweat, his gasps and soft moans. Their cocks were trapped, throbbing next to one another as the friction was building. Both were intoxicated by the heady scent of musk and raw sex. Dean saw things in Cas’s eyes, felt things under his hands that he never knew were possible. That moment when Cas arched, dug his fingers into Dean’s back, and pulled his bottom lip between his teeth was something that Dean had missed. It was more satisfying than his own release. They moved together slowly, both satiated but unable to let go. They kissed deeply and held one another until Dean’s body weight and the heat became too much. 

\-------------------------

Dean sat on the edge of the bed, pulling his boots on and watching Cas zip up his bag. He thought about that newspaper in Kansas, the apartment listings. He wondered if he could find it and symbolically burn it. ‘Kansas Dean’, he was hollow and empty. It was time to let go. He knew where he belonged.

\-------------------------

It was Los Angeles, nobody paid attention when they embraced at the airport. When they kissed softly and said their goodbyes. Dean watched Cas walk away, rooted in place and smiling until he couldn’t see him anymore.

It wouldn’t be long, less than a week, and he would have his life back. He would be home.

\-------------------------

He tipped the cab driver well and quietly snuck into Sam’s house, overwhelmed and exhausted. He smiled and shook his head when he saw the soft glow coming from the family room. It reminded him of his teenage years, when his mother left a lamp on no matter how late he was getting home. He was surprised when he saw her curled up on the couch. He was pulling a blanket over her sleeping body when she opened her eyes and smiled. “Dean, I was trying to wait up for you.”

“Cas had a late flight. I had to drop his rental keys off and call a cab. You didn’t need to wait up, mom. I’m pretty good about finding my way home these days,” he smiled.

“I just wanted the chance to talk to you alone.”

“Am I in trouble? Am I grounded?”

“No,” she laughed, sitting up and patting the couch cushion next to her. “I was a little surprised that you didn’t bring him to dinner.”

“You and him both. It’s been a crazy few months and I didn’t think that either one of us needed the added pressure.”

“Dean, your father…”

“It’s not just about dad, it’s everybody. I’m going to grab a drink out of the study, do you want anything while I’m up?”

“No, but thank you,” she smiled.

“Okay, sit tight, I’ll be right back.”

\-------------------------

“So, 20 questions?” Dean asked, leaning back against the couch and taking a sip of his drink. “I promise to answer the one about whether or not I’m seeing somebody honestly this time.”

“So that’s who you were talking to last Christmas.”

“Yeah, it was.”

“Do you love him?”

Dean turned and looked at her, smiling at the warmth in her eyes. “I do. More than anything. So, uh...can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“Okay,” Dean took a deep breath. “When dad said that I found someone who looks at me the way that you look at him, how does he know?”

“What do you mean?”

“How does he know what you see when you look at him? I look at Cas, I look into his eyes and I...I don’t know, I just...okay, this is getting awkward,” he sighed and ran his hands down his face.

“Not at all. The fact that you fell in love at all is probably more surprising than who you fell in love with, Dean. I saw the way he looked at you, we all did.”

“But how does dad know...with you?”

“You know, there have been so many times when I’ve wanted to strangle that man, but then he says something or does something, and that feeling goes away. It might take a few minutes, it might take a few days, but I know that eventually it will happen. You had somebody fly across the country just hoping that you’d talk to him. That’s how he looks at you, Dean. It’s not in his eyes as much as it is his words and his actions.”

“Well, I guess showing up here says a lot,” Dean smiled slightly, taking a sip of his drink.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah, go ahead. You’re not even close to using up your 20.”

“Have you always…”

“No,” Dean smiled. “He’s the first. I’ve never known anyone like him. He’s smart, funny, has great taste in music, and a more colorful vocabulary than I do. He gets me, he gets me in a way that nobody ever has and I get him. It was just so easy. A few months ago we...uh..we hit a rough patch,” he said quietly. “It’s complicated, but I had to walk away, give him some time.”

“And he traveled 3,000 miles at Christmas just to talk to you?”

“Yeah, he’s a little embarrassed about the whole emotional mess in the archway thing.”

“He doesn’t need to be,” Mary smiled softly. “You obviously mean a lot to him.”

“I’m all he has.”

\-------------------------

“And here I am again in Chicago, walking through the airport and staring at my phone. This place is fucking insane, I think it’s more crowded than it was last year.”

“Like I said,” Cas smiled, “holiday traveling.”

“I think you are on to something with the whole red eye thing. We’ll have to keep that in mind next year.”

“We?”

“I told you Cas, I want them to know you. Next year I want you by my side to suffer through a Winchester Christmas.”

“You really know how to sell it.”

“Actually, it’s extremely normal. It’s loud and obnoxious. Claire gets spoiled, Sam and I drink too much, the old man get annoyed, Jess thinks it’s funny, and mom hides out in the kitchen.”

“I think I’d fit somewhere in between the drinking too much and thinking it’s funny.”

“We could buy some furniture from Ikea, make it more interesting,” Dean chuckled.

Cas loved the way Dean’s smile, his laugh always carried to his eyes. “God I love you.”

“I love you too, baby. Just a few more hours.”

“I can’t wait to have you home.”

\-------------------------

After a hug and softly whispered words, fingers intertwined on the seat between them during the long drive home, Dean pulled his bag out of the car and followed Cas, glancing at the dark guest house before closing the back door behind him. They walked through the house and up the stairs, both exhausted from the driving, the flying, the surge of emotions that had reigned over the last five or six days. Dean dropped his bag on the bedroom floor and looked around. He noticed the way that the covers on the bed had been thrown back, his book still lying face down and open on the nightstand, a fine layer of dust on the dresser. “Cas?”

“I haven’t slept in here since you left. I haven’t really been in here at all except when I grabbed some of your things to put in that box and some clothes of my own.”

“Wait, you’ve been sleeping…”

“In one of the guest rooms. I couldn’t do it, Dean. I really don’t want this to turn into some type of heavy play by play, but I stood in the doorway that night and I couldn’t bring myself to get back into that bed. This room, it still smelled like you, like us. The last time I was in that bed, you wanted me and I...I just...I couldn’t...”

“I’m sorry, baby,” Dean pulled Cas into his arms and pressed his lips against his temple.

“It’s not about being sorry. None of this is about being sorry. This room, it was ours but there was no ‘us’ anymore.”

“There was, we just had to put it on pause. But I’m here, we’re both exhausted, and that bed, it’s ours. I say we crawl under the covers and fool around a little bit before we fall asleep.”

\-------------------------

Dean lived for the sound of Cas’s low and sleepy murmurs, the way his body shifted lazily in his sleep. He laid awake, feeling like he was finally complete. He squeezed his arms tighter, pulling their bodies closer, and made silent promises that he would always be there. 

\-------------------------

The sun was just beginning to filter through the shutters when Dean slid quietly out of bed. He heard Cas mumble and moved his pillow, smiling when Cas wrapped his arms around it and pulled it to his chest. Dean bent down and kissed him softly on the forehead before picking up his clothes.

He hesitated, blowing on his hands to keep them warm and reached in his pocket for his keys. He fumbled with the deadbolt, but finally got it open and stood in the doorway of the guest house. He could see the dent in the wall left by the model house that he’d built. His books that had been arranged and then rearranged, first by subject, then by title, then by author. His laptop was sitting on the coffee table, a blanket folded neatly over the back of the couch. He had left it clean and orderly, expecting to be dropped off by Kripke and making the walk across the backyard. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him. 

He walked through the small rooms, remembering; the day he had brought Cas the Black Sabbath albums, how they laid on the floor talking over the scratchy music, starting something without realizing it. He flipped on the bedroom light, looking at the bed where they had spent so many nights touching and holding one another. The bed where they had made love for the first time. He pulled back the curtain and looked at the small shower, remembering how close they had to stand in the crowded space.

He sighed and turned off lights as he walked out, closing the door softly behind him and walking across the backyard, his breath visible in the cold morning air.

\-------------------------

Dean looked up and smiled when he saw Cas walk into the kitchen, yawning and confused. “Hey baby,” he said softly.

“Hey, so that was kind of weird.”

“What was weird? Do you want coffee?”

“Uh, yeah, thanks. It was just...I don’t know, when I fell asleep you were there and when I woke up…”

“Shit, I didn’t even think,” Dean reached out and pulled Cas to him.

“You’re fine. I just...I rolled over and you were gone, your clothes were gone, but your bag was still on the floor and your watch was on the nightstand.”

“Yeah, I went out to the guest house.” He felt Cas’s arms circle his waist, his head resting against Dean’s shoulder. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here, Cas. I came back and just started cooking breakfast, but I don’t know what’s next. This is all uncharted territory for me.”

“What do you mean?” Cas whispered.

“Us, here, this. I want to put all of that shit behind us, it needs to be behind us. We can’t keep it around and be afraid of it. But the last few months, I’ve been out there and you’ve been in here. I slept better last night than I have since I walked out, but do we pick up where we left off? Do we take things slowly? I’m a little lost.”

“We can’t pick up where we left off, we weren’t in a good place. If you need time, Dean…”

“It’s not about needing time, Cas. I looked at the bed out there and I know that if I tried to sleep in it, it would only be a matter of minutes before I was crossing the yard to be with you. Things have changed, we both feel the shift. You are here 100% with me. You haven’t been this present in a long time and I have missed this.” He reached over to turn the knob on the stove to low and gently ran his hand up the side of Cas’s face. “I love you,” he whispered, kissing him softly. Cas parted his lips, deepening the kiss. 

They were breathing heavily when they pressed their foreheads together, their eyes closed. “We can’t go back, we can’t start over,” Cas said quietly. “All we can do is move forward. Let’s start with breakfast and just take it from there. Let's just live.”

Dean kissed Cas’s forehead softly and pulled him close again. 

“I love you, Dean.”

“I know you do, baby. I know you do.”

\-------------------------

Cas watched Dean eat. He watched Dean grab his coffee cup and refill it, adding cream and sugar without Cas asking him to. He watched Dean start to clear the table and he reached for him. “I can do this. You cooked, we’ll divide and conquer,” he smiled. 

“When does school start up again?”

“Next week, why?” Cas questioned over the sound of running water.

“I just...maybe I need to get over this needy shit. Everything in Cali was so intense. But now we’re home and I just want ‘us’. I want the day to day, the boring shit.”

“Well, you just made breakfast and I’m doing dishes. That qualifies as day to day boring shit, right?” 

“Yeah,” Dean grinned. “Let me take this garbage out while you finish those dishes.”

“Then maybe a movie?” Cas asked softly.

“Of course, baby. And I’m full of coffee so I’ll probably stay awake,” Dean winked.

\-------------------------

Dean buried his face in Cas’s neck, taking in the musky scent while gently touching his lips to the soft skin. He smiled when he felt Cas’s body shift between his legs, his back pressed against Dean’s chest. He was growing hard and slid his hand down Cas’s stomach, stopping at the waistband of his pajama pants. He felt the deep breath, he felt Cas’s need to be touched. He was nipping and sucking on the skin along Cas’s bare shoulders, waiting for him to turn in his arms. He lifted his hips and moved to lay flat on the couch while Cas pulled at their clothes, finally dropping them into a pile on the floor and settling between Dean’s legs, their hard cocks pressed against their stomachs, their lips meeting desperately. They were rocking slowly, warm friction from the fine sheen of sweat gliding against the silky skin of their rigid shafts. Dean’s hands ran down Cas’s back, pressing against the curve, holding their bodies together. They were caught in a deep kiss, gentle moans resonating from their chests when they felt themselves beginning to throb against one another. Dean’s thighs were trembling, his fingers digging when he felt the tightness in his stomach. He rocked faster, encouraging Cas as he came with a loud groan. He was in a daze when he heard his name echo off of the walls and watched Cas pull his bottom lip between his teeth, his body tensing. He wrapped his arms around Cas and felt their hearts pounding. “I think that we should go to the shore, Dean” Cas whispered. “That’s where you are the happiest, that’s where you find yourself.”

“We don’t need to hit a reset button, Cas.”

“Maybe we do. I know that you feel like you’re being needy, and I still feel guilty for what I put you through. I don’t go back to work until Monday, that gives us plenty of time. I know that you want ‘us’, the day to day shit. But, going to the shore is about as ‘us’ as you can get. Your birthday is in a few weeks, consider it an early celebration.”

“Okay,” Dean said quietly. “But shouldn’t we shower first?” he grinned.

“We probably should,” Cas smiled, lifting his head to gaze into those emerald eyes.

\-------------------------

Dean waited until Cas left to run some errands before he went to the guest house to grab a few things. Staying out there wasn’t an option. His life was in the house with Cas.

He put his laptop in the den, he hung up a few shirts and put some jeans and boxers into what had always been his dresser drawers. He stacked a couple of books that he’d been meaning to read on the nightstand behind the one that was already open and laying face down. He wiped the dust off of the bedroom furniture, he needed it to look lived in. 

He was unpacking his bag from his Christmas trip when he felt his phone go off. He pulled it out of his pocket and smiled at the extremely normal text.

_“Finally got all of my shit done. The bank was a fucking nightmare. Want me to grab burgers and beer while I’m out?”_

_“Burgers and beer sound perfect. I love you.”_

\-------------------------

Cas looked out the bedroom window and watched Dean salt the ice on the driveway. He could hear the Impala’s engine running. It was cold, it was always cold but this morning seemed exceptionally so. He picked up their bags and took them downstairs, dropping them by the back door while he walked around, making sure they’d left a few lamps on. The chances of somebody breaking into the Novak house were slim. The chances of them doing it when it was below freezing, even slimmer. Either way, Cas didn’t want to come home to a dark house. He threw a bag over each shoulder and locked the door behind him. The air was bitter, he was already shivering when he opened the car door and set the bags inside.

“Does it feel warm in there yet?” Dean called, his breath visible as he blew on his hands. 

“Warm enough, are you ready?”

“I am so ready,” Dean smiled, walking to Cas and wrapping his arms around him. They kissed softly before he let go and they got in the car. Cas watched Dean try not to yawn as he backed down the driveway and pulled onto the empty street. 

“We should stop and grab coffee.”

“Uh, Cas...we have your monstrosity in the kitchen. We can wait another five minutes.”

“The house is already locked up and sometimes a guy likes paying $7 for a cup of coffee.”

\-------------------------

“I guess it was a good thing we stopped,” Cas laughed when Dean came back from the bathroom. “We’ve only been on the road for what, 15 minutes?”

“Hey, in my defense my bladder was frozen solid while I was salting the driveway. Nature didn’t call until it started to warm up.” Dean looked around the near empty coffee shop and glanced at the barista who’s back was turned to them. He moved forward and stood between Cas’s legs. “You keep an eye on the guy behind the counter, I don’t know if he can be trusted,” he murmured, sliding his hands up Cas’s thighs and kissing him softly.

“You are going to knock me off of this stool if you keep it up,” Cas chuckled.

“I’m going to get us kicked out if I keep it up,” Dean grinned.

“Novak!”

“Okay, there’s our coffee,” Cas said, gently pushing Dean away and hopping off of the stool.

“But I was just getting started,” Dean whined.

“Dean, we are in a coffee shop.”

“Role play, baby. Role play.”

“We’ll save that one for another time. Now grab your drink and let’s go,” Cas grinned.

\-------------------------

“Finally,” Dean sighed when he pulled up at the motel and put the car in park. It was always a long drive to the shore, even longer when the roads were icy. Dean smiled at the clerk when they walked in the office. He gave her a wink when she slid the single key across the counter and followed Cas to the car, grabbing their bags and unlocking the door to their room. They turned up the thermostat and crawled under the covers on the large bed, holding their road weary bodies close.

Cas heard the soft snore and pressed his lips to Dean’s forehead, pulling him closer and closing his eyes.

\-------------------------

“I truly believe that the best meal on earth is a greasy diner breakfast in a small town,” Dean said, cutting into the huge stack of pancakes in front of him.

“I’m actually going to agree with you there. Well, maybe not the best, but definitely in the top five.”

“There’s also this great little deli by the University that I love.”

“Oh yeah?” Cas smiled.

“Yeah, it changed my life forever.”

“The deli changed your life?”

“It’s the first time that I got to sit across a table from you. That’s where I found out your full name and I admitted that I’m named after my grandmother. That’s where I decided to take the leap and bring you those Black Sabbath albums.”

“Take the leap?”

“I’d had them for weeks. I found them at the record store right after you handed me a beer in your backyard. I didn’t know if I was crossing a line when I picked them up, we didn’t really know each other. But that day, we just hung out, listening to music and drinking. It was the start of something. I had no idea what I was getting myself into,” he grinned. “But, it changed my life.”

“If you could go back and change anything, would you?”

“Not a damn thing. I spent months second guessing myself, wondering if I should have stuck around and fought harder…”

“You fought as hard as you could, Dean. You put up with a lot of shit. You were there when a lot of people would have given up on me. I will never fault you for leaving that night. I knew at the time that you did it because you love me. You weren’t angry, you hadn’t given up, you were doing what you knew was right. And now I’ve turned our greasy diner breakfast into something entirely too serious.”

“No you didn’t, baby. It’s been scientifically proven that nothing can take the joy out of a greasy diner breakfast.” Dean winked.

\-------------------------

The fog was thick, heavy, and dense. They stood, chilled to the bone, watching the spray of water, the droplets turning to almost imperceptible shards of ice when they hit the frozen air. It was more primal, more violent, and it spoke to Dean. He understood it, the undertone of recklessness and anger. Cas’s arms slipping around him from behind kept him grounded. He waited for the weight of Cas’s chin on his shoulder before reaching up to hold his cold hands.

“One thing that I love about you, one of the things that I love the most about you is that you always mean what you say. You’ve never lied to me, Dean. You’ve never made promises and not kept them. In a world where everything is so contrived and artificial, it’s almost hard to accept that somebody like you exists.” Cas forced Dean’s hand opened and pressed their palms together. “You know, it’s always been about the water for you. The power here, the calm on the other side of the country. You took me to the ocean to hear me out, we’ve held each other and talked for hours in this very spot. When things got rough, it was our escape. So this, it’s your birthday present. It’s not a question, it’s my way of telling you that I know you meant what you said, and I know why you said it. I thought I knew what love was, it’s what I saw every time that I looked into your eyes. But it wasn’t until I realized that you have touched every part of my being that I really understood. Nothing is real if I can’t share it with you. This is my way of letting you know that I am here, I am present, I will give you 100%. You came out of nowhere and turned my life upside down in a way that somehow makes sense. I just need you to know that I will be whatever you need me to be because the love that I have for you, it is so real and it is infinite. You are everything to me. Happy early birthday.” He slowly pulled his hand away from Dean’s.

“Cas...I…” Dean stammered softly, looking down at his hand. “I don’t even know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. Put them in your pocket and when the time is right, if the time is right, you’ll know what to say.”

Dean slid his hand into his pocket and reached up to again wrap his cold fingers around Cas’s. “Sometimes I look back and wonder when it happened, what day or what moment, but I can’t ever find an answer. Somehow it was just always there, lying under the surface. I didn’t think that I would ever see a man as beautiful, but when you open your eyes in the morning and look at me, or walk in the kitchen with pajama pants on and serious bedhead, when you arch your body against mine, I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my life.”

Cas pressed his lips against the back of Dean’s neck before resting his chin on his shoulder again. They stood in silence, barely feeling the chill. Cas could feel it, the change, the reset. 

“This shore, the water, it is so volatile and unpredictable, but I think you’re drawn here because it’s passionate and unyielding. You see yourself,” he finally whispered.

“I love you,” Dean said quietly, turning in Cas’s arms. Their lips came together in a slow kiss, the passion building. “I need to feel you,” Dean murmured, reaching for his hand and leading Cas to the car.

\-------------------------

Dean could feel the cold wood of the headboard against his back, the warmth of Cas’s skin against his chest, Cas’s thighs pressed against his hips. They were caught in a deep kiss, Dean’s fingers gentle and lazy as they roamed Cas’s body. He gasped when he felt Cas’s slick hand stroke his hard cock. A slow smile crossed his lips and his eyes closed when Cas rose to his knees and lined his body up, slowly sliding, taking Dean inside of him. He was panting when Dean was buried deep and bent forward to rest his forehead on Dean’s shoulder, Dean ran his hands down his back, calming him. “I know baby, we’ll wait.” Cas leaned against Dean’s arms that were pressed to his back, his fingers digging into Cas’s shoulders to hold him up as he started to rock, letting Dean watch his body move back and forth against his cock, taking him deeper with each slow slide up and down. He wrapped his fingers around his own shaft, stroking, hearing an audible moan. Dean was fixated. Watching Cas’s body rock against him, his own hand running along his own silky skin. He could see the pleasure, the erotic bliss on Cas’s face when his own stomach tightened. “You are so beautiful,” he whispered, gripping Cas’s shoulders, guiding him up and down. He felt the trembling, the soft thighs tense against his hips, and he waited. He need to see Cas tilt his head back and arch his body. His name was a cry and he felt the warm sticky fluid on his stomach as he pulled Cas down for one final deep thrust and came, almost painfully hard. “That was amazing, you are amazing,” he whispered, pulling Cas to him, rubbing his back slowly. He leaned forward, allowing Cas to wrap his arms around his neck, lifting his head and pressing their lips together. “I love you, Dean,” Cas murmured, deepening the kiss. “God, I love you baby,” Dean smiled, running his hand up the side of Cas’s face, his emerald eyes locking on the deep blue that reflected his world. 

“I wish this place had room service,” Cas smiled . 

“We’ll just have to brave the cold and grab a burger.”

\-------------------------

It was new and comfortable, familiar and exciting. They walked around town with their fingers intertwined, visiting the few shops and restaurants that were open year round. They spent their nights in a haze of skin against skin and soft voices, dumb jokes and ridiculous stories, words of love and words of everyday life.

\-------------------------

“So, my students last semester either loved me or hated me.”

“I thought they all hated you,” Dean smiled, looking down at where Cas’s head was resting against his bare chest.

“I never said that they hate me, at least not all of them. There might be two or three that find me tolerable. I tried the multiple choice thing and failed miserably. It took me longer to write up the test than it does to grade the short essays.”

“Why did you finally cave and try the multiple choice thing?”

“I didn’t want to grade the essays,” Cas looked up at Dean. “I honestly didn’t realize how entangled our lives are. How much of ‘us’ carried over into the mundane things.”

“I know, baby,” Dean kissed his forehead softly, lifting his eyes to the ceiling. “I uh,” he quietly scoffed. “I spent over a month building a dollhouse for Claire. That Victorian and Shingle Style hybrid. Dove tail joints, load bearing walls, room placement, real glass in the working windows. I even made furniture and wired the damn thing. Sam knows that I built it, but the rest of them don’t, and I plan to keep it that way. But, somehow it kept me sane.” Dean took a deep shuddering breath and felt the sting of tears. “I’d finished the model that I built for you, but that night...I don’t know...I threw a fucking fit and I trashed it. I regret that, I wanted you to see it.”

Cas’s heart skipped a beat, Dean had spent weeks while they were apart focusing on the thing that had brought them together. “Then get some pictures of the dollhouse. I’d like to see it.”

“I wasn’t in a good place when I built it, Cas.”

“I know where you were when you built it, I was dealing with multiple choice tests when you built it. Neither one of us was in a good place. I want to see it,” Cas said softly, moving his body closer to Dean’s.

Dean turned his head and they locked gazes, his watery eyes softened when he smiled, “Yeah, okay. I’ll talk to Sam or Jess.”

\-------------------------

“Are we here to say goodbye on our way out of town?” Cas smiled.

“More like see ya later. We’ll be back when it doesn’t freeze our balls off to stand out here.”

“You do have a way with words,” Cas picked his way across the slippery pebbles and stones that littered the ground, following Dean.

Dean finally stopped at the edge of the water, the small waves lapping at the toes of his boots. He reached behind him for Cas’s hand and patiently waited. 

“You know,” he said softly. “I used to be so angry, and maybe that’s why I do understand this place. I never really knew what made me that way, I just was. There has always been something reckless inside of me that I couldn’t control. The alcohol just made it worse, the women were an outlet. It was like something changed when I crossed the state line, when I was given keys to that dinky little bungalow and started to unpack. My life was mine. For the first time, nobody really knew me. I didn’t have 'Dean Winchester' hanging over my head. I knew that I could be happy with that for the rest of my life. Sure, I’d go to Kansas and California and I’d have to play the part, but my time was my own. Then I slammed the door of my work truck and walked up to one of the most beautiful houses that I’ve ever seen. There was something about that house, I knew it right away. It was the first job they gave me as a solo foreman and I knew that I had to bust my ass and get it right for Kripke, for myself. But things changed. First it stopped being about what Kripke thought, or what I thought. Then the job was done and it stopped being about the house altogether. But there was this smile, these blue eyes, and this voice that never hesitated to call me an asshole. Eventually it became a body, a body that is more beautiful than any body I’d ever seen. One that can make me feel things that nobody else could. Now it’s about time. Appreciating every time I see that smile and those blue eyes, every time I hear that voice, every time I touch that body. My life isn’t mine anymore, now somebody knows me in a way that I never thought possible. I’ve been thinking about it, Cas, and I want you to have one of these back. We don’t need to make it legal, I don’t need that piece of paper, not yet. When I stood with you next to the water and told you that I need something to remind me every day that this is everything, that this is worth fighting for, I didn’t realize that I don’t need something in a frame, I need something that will remind me all of the time. Slip it in your pocket, do what you want with it, but I need to know that you have it.” He reached his hand into his pocket and opened it, the two rings growing cold against his palm. Cas was trembling when he reached out and picked one up. “That’s the one you want?” 

“No,” Cas said quietly, “it’s the one that I want you to have.” His hands were shaking, but not from the cold when they locked eyes and Dean held his hand out. He slowly slid the ring up Dean’s finger. “I don’t want mine in my pocket or put in a drawer somewhere,” Cas whispered. Dean reached for his hand, pulling it to his lips before smiling and sliding the ring on his finger, pulling it to his lips again to kiss the cold metal. 

“I love you Cas,” 

“I love you too, Dean.”

They wrapped their arms around each other, their feet growing cold from the ocean water.

\-------------------------

Cas loved sitting between Dean’s legs, feeling his heartbeat against his back, the soft scruff of his 5 o’clock shadow resting on his shoulder and moving across his cheek, his strong arms wrapped around his body. They’d just gotten out of the shower, their hair still damp and their skin still warm. The fire was still burning low in their bedroom and the sheets were still tangled from when they had made love. He wasn’t looking forward to going back to work in the morning. He was playing with Dean’s hand, twisting his ring around his finger and shivering every time he felt the soft lips press against his skin. “You like that, huh?” he could feel Dean’s smile.

“You know that I love it when you kiss me.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.”

Cas turned his head and saw the lines in the corners of Dean’s eyes. Lines that were only there when he was happy. “Yeah, I do. It looks like it belongs there.”

“It does. Not the birthday present I was expecting, but I can’t think of anything more perfect.”

“I don’t want you to feel like I was putting you on the spot.”

“I don’t. I’m the one who asked you, you just never answered me,” Dean smiled. “I felt your ring on your hand when you touched me, and I don’t ever want to get used to that feeling. We went to celebrate my birthday but, we came home with something else. It’s the reason that I stayed in that house and the reason you talked to a priest. It’s why I built that dollhouse and you flew 3,000 miles. Because this is a story that doesn’t have an ending.”

Cas turned his head and softly pressed his lips to Dean’s. “You always know what to say.”

“It’s not that I know what to say, it’s that you are the first person who’s taken the time to listen.”

\-------------------------

Cas stood in the doorway watching Dean. He was trying not to laugh, trying not to be noticed until he heard the sweet voice.

“Is that Cas?”

Dean turned around and smiled, “Hey baby, how was work?” 

“The first day of the new semester? Let’s just say I spent the drive home making a mental list of what we need to stock our liquor cabinet.”

“We don’t have a liquor cabinet,” Dean leaned over and kissed Cas softly.

“So we’ll build one. Hi Jess.” Cas saw the bright smile and couldn’t help but smile back when she waved. “It’s hasn’t even been a couple of weeks and you miss his face already?”

“I just like to remind her who the handsome Winchester is once in awhile,” Dean grinned. “Actually we were taking a tour of the house since we keep forgetting to send her pictures. She said that the dust really compliments the neutral tones of the sitting room sofa.”

“Yes, we are lazy slobs who don’t dust. Apparently the handsome Winchester here didn’t think to take ten minutes to do it before he facetimed you.”

“This is our reality, baby. We can’t pretend to be something we’re not,” Dean smiled.

“Okay, well this lazy slob is going on an adventure into the bowels of the ‘house of dust’, also known as the wine cellar. Red or white?”

“I don’t care.”

“Okay then, one of each. Enjoy the rest of the tour, disregard anything that may be slightly embarrassing or inappropriate. Well, other than Dean,” Cas grinned.

“Hey!”

“Don’t play innocent,” Jess giggled.

“Seriously? 3,000 apart and you are ganging up on me?”

“Yes we are,” Cas planted a loud kiss on Dean’s cheek. “Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to get out of The Professor get-up and start drinking.”

“Bye Cas,” Jess waved again.

“See ya Jess.”

Dean watched Cas walk up the stairs and just shook his head.

“Is this how you two always are?”

“No, sometimes he has an attitude,” Dean smiled. “So, back to the tour…”

\-------------------------

“Okay, am going to take you up the stairs, try not to get dizzy.”

“This house is huge!”

“And you’ve only seen the main floor. I showed you most of the rooms that you decorated, but now I’m just getting carried away. I love this place. Let me peek into the master bedroom real quick. If I’m lucky I can find a jaded professor in a state of undress.” Dean turned his phone so that the camera was facing him and looked in the bedroom. He watched Cas finished getting dressed and felt the appreciation that he always felt when he saw Cas’s body. “Is it safe to bring a beautiful blonde in here?”

“I guess that depends on the context,” Cas chuckled. “I mean we’ve never actually talked about it but…”

“I’m still talking to Jess.”

Cas slid the bottle of lube into the nightstand and smiled, “I think it’s safe.”

“Okay Jess, this,” he held his phone up, “is where the magic happens.”

“Really Dean? Where the magic happens? This is not MTV Cribs. It’s where an irritable professor and an arrogant construction foreman live,” Cas scowled.

“You don’t think that our lives would make an interesting reality show?”

“Which part? Laying on the floor listening to music? You falling asleep every time we try to watch a movie? Grading college finals?”

“Hey, I happen to like grading college finals,” Dean grinned.

Cas walked over and kissed him again. “I am headed to the cellar and will have a corkscrew in hand within five minutes. Love you.”

“Love you too,” Dean called to his retreating back. “Hey, make sure you grab a red.”

“Pasta?”

“Yeah, I thought we’d do that gnocchi thing. Okay, sorry about the interruption. That is what a Winchester/Novak reality show would actually look like. Our ratings would be horrible. I came up here because I wanted to show you one of my favorite parts of the house.” He turned his phone towards the fireplace and walked slowly in a semi-circle.

“Holy shit!”

“Did you just swear?” Dean laughed.

“Yes. I’m not always as sweet and innocent as you think. That is absolutely beautiful.”

“He originally designed it to be filled in, but I took a little artistic license and left it. Technically he could get my ass fired for it, but I couldn’t bring myself to watch my crew take it down in pieces and throw it with the rest of the scrap. It’s all hand carved and the craftsmanship is unbelievable. I’m guessing it was added later because you wouldn’t normally find something like this in a Colonial Revival. Somebody put a lot of time and effort into this fireplace. It only took me a few days to restore it by hand. So,” he turned the phone around, “that is the Novak house, unless you want to see the bathrooms, which I’m guessing that you don’t. If you want still shots, I’ll take some and send them to you. Apparently I have a grumpy professor to feed.”

“Dean?”

“Yeah…”

“So this is the house, this is how you live?”

“Yep. The house is big and drafty, he’s usually in a better mood, and it is always this dusty.”

“I just mean...it’s amazing, all of it.”

“We love it. Sorry we don’t use the sitting room more, but I am glad that you talked him into replacing the light fixture in the dining room. He keeps saying that he wants to throw a dinner party. The table holds 16, we just need 14 other people to invite,” Dean grinned. “Anyway, I’m going to let you go. Tell that freakishly tall nerd and that gorgeous little girl that I said hello and we’ll talk again soon. Bye Jess.”

“Bye Dean,” Jess said quietly.

\-------------------------

“Hey sweetie, paperwork?”

“Yeah, and a shit ton of it. I’d rather do it here in a pair a jeans with a glass in my hand than in a suit at the office. What’s up?”

“I just got off of the phone with your brother.”

“Ah, the handsome Winchester,” Sam smiled. “Did you get your tour of the house?”

“I did, and it’s absolutely beautiful. It was kind of a strange conversation. I mean, he has really changed.”

“Well, he lives on the other side of the country, he’s in a serious relationship, he had some self realizations. Of course the guy is going to change. Why? What did he say?”

“It’s not really what he said. Cas came home while we were facetiming and their relationship is just…”

“Please don’t say adorable.”

“It’s incredible. I think that Dean has finally met his match. But Dean, he’s just so...I don’t even know how to explain it. I’ve just never seen him like this.”

“He’s happy,” Sam reached out and pulled Jess on his lap. “Like dad said, somebody saw through the bullshit. None of us saw that coming. He’s always been so private, but his private life showed up at our door and played out in front of us. It’s not like he can hide from it. Maybe he’s decided not to try. But, I would like to see this ‘met his match’ thing,” Sam chuckled. 

\-------------------------

Cas loved the sound of Dean’s laughter, Dean loved the look in Cas’s eyes when he was irritated. Dean cooked, Cas did dishes. Cas watched movies, Dean snored softly. They were best friends, dedicated partners, and passionate lovers. ‘Asshole’ was a term of endearment and they got on each other’s nerves. They were in love, and it was nauseating.

\-------------------------

Dean vaguely remembered murmuring something resembling “I love you,” when Cas kissed him and left for work. He finally got out of bed and wandered downstairs. He saw the mug sitting out, it was always that same mug, with a card leaning against it. He smiled when he read the birthday card, it wasn’t sweet or romantic, it was sarcastic in true Cas form. He had signed it:

_“Happy birthday BIG boy. Dinner in Belleville tonight. I’ll make sure to call the waitstaff ahead of time and let them know it’s your special day. I love you._

_-C”_

He ran upstairs to grab his phone while his coffee brewed.

_“Sometimes I think that you are crazy, like bat shit crazy, but I love you. I’ll see you tonight._

_-D”_

\-------------------------

He thought about starting on Cas’s liquor cabinet. He had all of the materials laying on a tarp in the guest house, but he knew that once he got started he would lose himself in the work and Cas would have to drag him away from it. He walked around the house looking for things that needed to be done, but heard Cas’s voice in the back of his head telling him to sit down and relax. He grabbed his book and mug and was settling in the den when his phone went off.

\-------------------------

“Hey mom...Thanks, but it’s not a big deal...Okay, I know 16 hours of labor makes it a big deal...I’m good. I haven’t gone back to work yet, we haven’t even had any interiors or walk throughs so I do a whole lot of nothing...He’s good. He went back to work a couple of weeks ago...Yeah, we’re doing okay...No, no, I’m fine it’s just a little strange to talk about...Um, no, he didn’t get me anything. We’re just going to dinner...Yeah, I’ll call tomorrow when dad’s home and I’ll keep an eye out for that card...Thanks mom...I’ll let him know...Love you too.”

He set his phone down and sighed, turning the ring on his finger. He hadn’t told anybody about their conversation on the beach. Cas may have shown up at Sam’s, but their private life was still private and Dean needed it to stay that way. Their life, what they had, what they were building, it belonged to them. Cas was his partner in every way and he had ownership of that. He fell asleep at night because he could feel Cas’s body, he woke up in the morning to kiss him goodbye. He talked about books and music freely. They’d started a bucket list of places they wanted to see. Maybe it was unfair, maybe that needy part of him would always be there, but Cas was the light to his dark and he saw it every time he looked into those blue eyes with ever changing shades. He flopped back on the couch and picked up his book. A book that Cas wouldn’t mock him for reading, a book that Cas would ask him about and actually listen.

\-------------------------

Dean loved the way Cas looked in the dim light of the restaurant. He saw less guilt every day and felt his own neediness shifting towards desire and awakening. He didn’t need to be the center of attention, or even the center of Cas’s world. He just needed to be a part of it. 

“So, my mom called. She asked about you, asked about us. I’m supposed to tell you hello.”

“That was sweet of her.”

“But, a little awkward. None of them have ever known a damn thing about my personal life this is a little new to me.”

“I’m guessing that my emotional appearance at your brother’s house didn’t help. Not exactly my finest moment.”

“I thought it was one of your finest moments. It’s the moment that I looked at you and knew that you were back.”

“Seriously, how do you always know the right things to say?” Cas smiled.

“I don’t. I just talk and you seem to think that I’m sweet or romantic. It’s really on you for having low standards.”

\-------------------------

“I guess we move on to boring and domestic dinner conversation,” Dean grinned, pouring Cas another glass of wine. “How was your day, baby?”

“I was stuck in departmental meetings most of the day, which should be considered torture by the Geneva Convention. I’m guessing that my students will be heartbroken over the loss of their quality hour spent with me in class. But, they should be comforted by the video lecture that I assigned them, and will be thrilled when I quiz them upon my return.”

“Sometimes I think you like being unpopular.”

“No, I just don’t like the pressure of trying to be popular. Seriously, how do you make historic architecture fun?”

“Hey, it changed my life in ways I never expected,” Dean smiled.

“At least I have one student who got something out of one of my classes.”

“Oh, I got a lot out of it. I still do, at least four nights a week. I seem to remember you telling me that sleeping with students is a bad idea.”

“Well, that was before we’d slept together and after you’d been my student.”

“Technicality Professor, technicality.”

“But, If I knew then what I know now, then I definitely would have been banging a student.”

“God, I love you,” Dean laughed.

“You might change your mind about that when they bring the birthday cake out,” Cas grinned.

“You didn’t…”

“You doubt me?”

\-------------------------

“You are such an asshole,” Dean chuckled, holding Cas’s body between the car and his own. 

“See, it’s moments like this when I don’t find the things that you are saying either sweet or romantic,” Cas smiled, waiting for the inevitable kiss. They kissed deeply, Dean running his hands under Cas’s shirt and up his chest, grazing his sensitive nipples. Cas gripped Dean’s hips, pulling their bodies together. They were both hard, pressing against one another. Cas slid his hands down Dean’s ass, moving his mouth along his neck, sucking gently and nipping. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this.”

“What?” Dean panted, “a slave to your libido?”

“It we weren’t in a parking lot in January....”

“I can get us home in less than an hour.”

\-------------------------

Dean loved when Cas stood between his legs, while he sat on the edge of the bed and slowly unbuttoned his shirt, moving his mouth across Cas’s taut stomach, tracing the subtle lines of muscle with his lips. “If I could find a way to taste you like this while I was inside of you…”

“Neither one of us would last long,” Cas moaned softly as Dean’s hands slid across his ass before reaching for his belt buckle. He took a step back, away from the jeans and boxers that had landed at his feet, and saw Dean drop to his knees. He shrugged off his shirt and watched Dean’s tongue swirl around the head of his cock, taking it into his mouth and gently sucking while he worked his hand up and down the silky shaft. He dipped his head forward, Cas was losing himself in the slippery warmth, the unexpected vibration when Dean moaned. He could feel it building when Dean stopped and stood up. “That’s all I get?” Cas smiled slowly.

“Of my mouth, but I have plenty more to give you, Professor,” Dean grinned.

Cas laid back on the bed, watching Dean slowly strip, giving him a show. His legs were spread and his cock was rock hard when Dean finally crawled on the bed and reached for the bottle on the nightstand. They kissed slowly, Cas didn’t wince at Dean’s fingers anymore, he anticipated them. Dean found the spot, he always found the spot that made Cas’s body arch and his hips lift. Tonight, he teased him, pressing against him before slowly sliding, letting Cas feel every inch until he was buried deep. He bent down and they kissed passionately, trapping Cas against their warm flesh. “God you feel good,” Dean murmured, nipping and sucking on the tender skin of Cas’s throat and across his collarbone. They rocked, the rhythm perfect, Dean’s cock grazing the spot inside of Cas that took him to another place. The movement against his own shaft and sensitive head made him visibly shiver and he could see in Dean’s eyes that he was already close. He spread his legs wider, reaching down to grab Dean’s ass, encouraging him to come. “Baby, I’m going to…” Cas slid his hand between their bodies and wrapped his fingers around himself squeezing and stroking. “I’m right there,” he moaned. Dean thrust and came hard, groaning and rocking his hips while he watched Cas pull his bottom lip between his teeth and felt the sticky warmth spread across his stomach. He leaned down for a long and lingering kiss before letting his body relax against Cas’s, shivering at the fingers trailing up and down his back. “Happy birthday, Dean,” Cas said softly. Dean lifted his head and searched Cas’s eyes. “I love you, Cas. More than anything.” Cas smiled slowly, “I love you too.”

\--------------------

“You don’t have to get out of bed.”

“Cas, the windows are frozen shut which means that the driveway is a fucking skating rink. Plus, I wanted to get started on the liquor cabinet today. I’m going to work on it in the guest house, if that’s okay.”

“You don’t have to ask me if it’s okay, this house, the guest house, the amazing swimming pool is ours. You might as well use it for something. Nobody lives there.”

Dean grinned and kissed Cas softly, “Give me your keys. I’ll warm up your car and salt the ice on the driveway.”

“Dean, you don’t…”

“Yeah, well aware of that. You get into The Professor uniform and I’ll make myself useful.”

“You are a pain in the ass.”

“Figuratively or…” Dean laughed.

“I think we both know the answer to that.”

“I’ll meet you in the driveway,” Dean winked.

Cas watched him leave the room and heard him bound down the stairs. He heard the back door shut and begrudgingly got dressed. With a deep sigh he grabbed his trenchoat and went downstairs.

\-------------------------

Cas filled the coffee maker with water and took Dean’s mug out of the cabinet, setting it on the counter. He stepped outside and watched Dean put the bucket of salt next to the garage. “Okay baby, off to teach the next generation everything they didn’t realized they want to know about historic architecture.”

“And I could be more excited about it,” Cas scowled. “I’d much rather stay here in bed with a fire going. Do you have any idea how many nights I have thanked your stubborn ass for your minor artistic license?”

“Oh trust me, you show me your appreciation,” Dean grinned, wrapping his arms around Cas and pressing his lips to his temple. “I’m hoping to get most of that liquor cabinet finished today, at least the rough build. I’m thinking that you might need it.”

“You know me so well. I love you.”

“I love you too, baby. Now kiss me and get going. It doesn’t look good when the teacher was late. Especially because he was standing in his driveway in subzero temperatures making out with a construction worker.” They pressed their lips together softly, building to a long slow kiss.

\-------------------------

Cas looked up when the white paper bag landed on his desk.

“I didn’t know if you’d want pastrami or turkey, so I got one of each,” Dean smiled, looking around before he quickly touched his lips to the top of Cas’s head.

“I’m hungry enough to eat both, but I’ll take the turkey. I don’t have class for another hour. Grab a chair.”

“Does this make me the teacher’s pet?”

“You’re always the teacher’s pet. Now sit your ass down.”

“Mmmmm....bossy. I love bossy professors,” Dean chuckled, pulling a chair to Cas’s desk. “So how is enriching the minds of today’s youth going?”

“Slowly, and I’m pretty sure they don’t feel enriched. My guess is they are just happy to get their art credit out of the way and, unfortunately for them, this isn’t an easy A class.”

“I took a similar class once,” Dean said, his mouth full of food. “I felt enriched. Still do, as often as possible.”

“You are lucky that there are no students around,” Cas laughed.

“Why? Do they usually hang out after class?”

“Are you kidding me? They get the hell out of here as fast as they can, especially around lunchtime. You know, you didn’t have to do this.”

“I know, but I wanted a break from working on the liquor cabinet and I knew that you’d probably just grab junk out of the machines.”

“You know me so well, almost too well.”

“Like in a creepy way?” Dean grinned.

“Not at all. It’s actually strangely comforting. I mean, you are building a cabinet in anticipation of my eventual drinking problem.”

“Yes I am, nothing is too good for you, baby.” Dean wanted to reach across the desk for Cas’s hand, touch him, kiss him, but he knew that he shouldn’t. 

They just relaxed and looked at each other while they finished their lunch. “You know that this room is going to smell like a deli now,” Dean smiled, balling up the wrappers and bags, throwing them across the desk and into a trash can. “Look at that, it didn’t even hit the rim. I think I missed my true calling.”

“Well, I’ll have students showing up soon and they may wonder why a hot guy is sitting in the room with me.”

“New student?” Dean grinned, standing up.

“Go work on the liquor cabinet and let me know if the NBA calls.”

“Okay, I’ll uh, see you later,” Dean started to walk away, but turned and mouthed, “I love you.”

Cas smiled and nodded, watching him leave as the students started to file in.

\-------------------------

The freeze seemed to have let up and Dean started doing walk throughs for some indoor jobs. Cas laughed every time he saw Dean after he’d done a walk through. He knew, even if Dean didn’t, that those tight jeans had probably won them more than one contract. Dean was unknowingly using sex to get contracts. 

\-------------------------

“So, we finally got a contract. It’s just a kitchen reno, but it’s better than nothing.”

“Were you wearing those jeans when you did the walk through?”

“Uh yeah, why?”

“Your ass.”

“Ah, you like that?” Dean grinned.

“Yes I do, and I’m guessing that a lot of bored housewives like it too,” Cas winked.

“Let’s just say that there are quite a few out there who have obviously had the ‘construction worker’ fantasy.”

“And the ring?”

“Doesn’t bother them one bit. If anything it makes them more aggressive. In their mind they’d be tasting the forbidden fruit, competing with another woman.”

“If only they knew,” Cas laughed.

“It probably wouldn’t matter, they’d just ask if you’re hot and available to stop by,” Dean grinned. 

\-------------------------

“Was it the tight jeans or empty threat from bored housewives?” Dean moaned, watching Cas swirl his tongue around the head of his cock, softly stroking with his hand.

“Jeans,” Cas smiled, taking the head into his mouth and gently sucking. Dean slid his hips forward on the couch, giving Cas better access from where he was kneeling on the floor. His head moved up and down, taking more of Dean’s cock each time, running his tongue along the silky skin. He sucked, moaning when he felt Dean’s hands on the back of his head. “Oh god baby…” Dean groaned, gently rocking his hips. “I’m right there…” Cas moaned again and slid his head forward, taking Dean down his throat and swallowing the warm sticky fluid. He softly licked and sucked until he knew that Dean was too sensitive to be touched. He crawled on the couch and into Dean’s arms.

“Where did that come from?” Dean panted.

“I need to have a reason?”

“Oh, absolutely not. Feel free, anytime,” Dean leaned back against the couch and pulled Cas against him. “Surprise blow jobs are the best, second only to road head.”

“The way you drive, I’d be afraid to give you road head.”

“Wuss.”

They heard Dean’s Skype alert.

“Should I answer it?”

“Better now than five minutes ago.”

“True,” Dean grinned, taking the call. “Hey Sam,” he smiled, trying not to laugh.

“Is this a bad time?”

“No, no,” Dean chuckled. “Your timing is perfect.”

“Nice outfits.”

Dean looked down and then over at Cas. “What, we’re wearing pajama bottoms. I’m in the comfort of my own home, Sammy. And, it’s actually warm in here for the first time in weeks. Do you need us to put shirts on? Are you that bothered by man nipples?”

“Seriously Dean?”

“I don’t know which is more awkward, your brother seeing me cry or him seeing me shirtless right after I finished giving you a blow job,” Cas whispered in Dean’s ear.

“Sam, this is Cas in all of his embarrassed and shirtless glory. Cas, this is my 6’4” baby brother. This is a really strange introduction.”

“It can’t be any worse than the first time you saw me,” Cas smiled. “I promise, I’ll try to get through this without tears.”

“You live with my brother, I don’t know how you get through most days without tears.” 

“I drink a lot,” Cas grinned.

“Ah, hence the liquor cabinet.”

“Speaking of, I’m going to go grab a beer, do you want one?”

“Sure.” Dean leaned over and kissed Cas softly.

“Well, my shirtless brother kissing another shirtless man wasn’t exactly what I was expecting, but okay.”

“You know that we live together, you run the risk. We’ll keep it PG.”

“So, I was calling to tell you happy birthday.”

“Which was weeks ago, but thanks,” Dean laughed.

“Did you do anything?”

“Went to the shore, froze our asses off.”

“Sounds...uh...fun?”

“You’d have to see it to understand, but it was great.”

“Well, you look good, happy.”

“I’m happier than I’ve ever been, Sammy. My life is falling into place. I mean the only things weighing on my mind right now are that I want this upcoming kitchen reno to go smoothly and that I haven’t finished that liquor cabinet I’m building for Cas.”

“Sounds like the kind of things that keep you awake at night,” Sam grinned.

Cas stood in the doorway with two bottles in his hand, just listening. He needed to hear that Dean was happy. He needed to hear Dean say it to somebody else.

“I’m losing a ton of sleep over the liquor cabinet. Oh, hey baby, thanks.” Dean took the bottle from Cas and pulled him closer when he sat on the couch. “We were just talking about my birthday.”

“So I’m guessing you told him how excited you were when the staff brought you a cake and sang to you at the restaurant?”

“Wait, what?” Sam laughed.

“You should have seen him. He was so proud,” Cas smiled.

“You are such an asshole.”

“Does he always talk to you like that?” Sam asked.

“No, sometimes he calls me a dick.”

“And they say romance is dead,” Sam laughed.

“Oh no, it is very much alive in this house, Sam.”

“Dean…”

“I was just going to tell him how you always set my coffee mug out in the morning,” Dean winked.

“I did have another reason for calling.”

“Not just because you miss my wit and charm?”

“Uh no, Dean. I was lucky enough to be asked to attend a symposium in Boston the last week of April.”

“Lucky as in you lost a bet, or one of the higher ups has it in for you?”

“Yeah, pretty much. I don’t know if it would be feasible to get together. Jess will be with me, Claire is staying with the Moore’s.”

“That is actually spring break. I don’t know who drinks more over spring break, the teachers or the students,” Cas grinned.

“And by then you will have a liquor cabinet to keep your spring break nice and orderly.”

“Unless you want to come to Boston and meet up with us. I don’t know how long the drive is.”

“It’s just a few hours. A lot less with the way that Dean drives. How long are you going to be there?”

“The symposium is three days…”

“Wow, you really pissed somebody off.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.”

“I would love to see you guys, but we’re kind of putting Cas on the spot here.”

“No, not at all. I grew up just outside of Boston. I haven’t been there in years, but I would love to see it again.”

“Are you sure?” Dean asked softly.

“Yes,” Cas looked into Dean’s eyes. “I used to love going to the city and there’s no reason not to. It will be fine.”

“Okay, I just don’t want you to…”

“It’ll be fine, Dean,” Cas smiled. 

“Well, then I guess we’ll work out the details sometime between now and then. I can hear Claire and Jess getting home so I’m going to let you go. Nice meeting you,” Sam nodded. “Talk to you later.”

“See ya Sam,” Dean smiled before he ended the call.

“Boston? Are you sure?”

“There are things down there that I would love for you to see, museums and historic sites. There are some amazing restaurants.”

“Cas…”

“I’m not going to be kept away from an entire city that I would love to share with you just because of that bullshit, Dean. Staying away from Boston, from Sam and Jess, that just gives my childhood control over me and we both know that can’t happen.”

“I just worry.”

“I know, you’re overprotective and I still find it charming.”

“Give it time, but at least now you know that I wasn’t lying when I said that I’m the handsome Winchester.” Dean smiled.

“I don’t know...” Cas grinned.

“Oh yeah?” Dean took the beer bottle out of Cas’s hand and set it next to his on the coffee table before gently pushing him back on the couch and settling between his legs. “Should I be jealous?” he smiled.

“No, but I am impressed.”

“By what?”

“That you were able to get it up again so quickly,” Cas winked.

\-------------------------

“Daddy!”

“Hey sweet pea,” Sam grinned, picking Claire up so that she could wrap her arms around his neck. “Hi honey,” he leaned over and kissed Jess softly. “So, I just got done talking to Dean and Cas.”

“How did that go?”

“Um good,” he hugged Claire one last time and put her back on the floor. “Go play with your dollhouse and let Mommy and Daddy talk for a minute, okay?” He smiled as she walked down the hall towards her bedroom. “We didn’t talk for very long. Cas seems like a really nice guy, but I don’t know that I got a ‘met his match vibe’. I was a little distracted.”

“Distracted?”

“They uh...they’re wearing matching rings.”

“Matching rings as in…”

“Left hand, fourth finger, high quality. That type of matching rings.”

“So you think that they…”

“I don’t know. I mean Dean isn’t exactly a ‘promise ring’ kind of guy. Plus, a promise ring is basically just a wedding ring audition. It looked like the real deal.”

“So you think that your brother is married?”

“Uh yeah,” Sam rubbed his forehead. “I think that my brother might be married.”

“Without telling anyone?”

“That’s kind of how Dean works, Jess. We didn’t even know about Cas until Christmas. Well, I mean technically you and I did, but that was still a year after they’d been together. The only reason I found out is because he accidentally answered a call and I caught him off guard.”

“I can’t see Dean getting married.”

“We didn’t see him falling in love either.”

\-------------------------

“Professor Novak?”

“Uh, yes sir?” Cas looked up from the laptop sitting open on his desk.

“I know that you don’t have another class until 11:00. Can I speak to you for a moment? In my office?”

“Certainly,” Cas said, closing his laptop and slipping it into his briefcase before following the administrator out of his classroom.

\-------------------------

Dean hated ignoring his phone, but he was going over the kitchen renovation plans with his crew. He felt his phone go off again. “I need to take this real quick, give me five minutes.” He went outside before he answered the call.

“What’s going on, baby?”

“Give me three reasons to keep my job.”

“What?”

“Three reasons, please. Just three.”

“Uh, you need the money? The health benefits? Do you get health benefits?”

“Yeah, but they suck. I’ll accept that as a reason though. One more.”

“Short commute? What in the hell is going on?”

“I have an 11:00 class and I seriously need to pull my shit together before it starts. I just needed a voice of reason and I needed it to be yours. I’ll talk to you tonight.”

“Hey, whatever it is it’s going to be fine. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Dean went back inside of the office and tried to focus on the plans. They needed to be on site at 9:00 the next morning and he needed the crew ready. He wanted this to be one of those rare jobs that just fell into place.

\-------------------------

Dean took the briefcase out of Cas’s hand, set it on the counter, and wrapped his arms around him. “I put out wine and scotch. Pick your poison, unless you’d like something different. I put glasses out too, but feel free to drink straight from the bottle,” He could feel Cas’s body shaking “What in the hell is going on?”

“Let me get a drink or two in me first.” Cas poured a glass of scotch and swallowed most of it in one gulp. He finished it off and poured another before finally sitting down. Dean sat across from him, his hands wrapped around his own drink. Whatever was going on, Cas was not in a good place. “I had an administrator stop by my class today. He, uh, needed to talk to me. Apparently I was seen having ‘inappropriate physical contact’ with another man at a local business. My guess is the coffee shop the morning that we left for the shore. I was then seen in a ‘compromising position’ with the same man at a restaurant. To top it all off, apparently an 'improper and unprofessional' conversation took place in my classroom. It is a small, private, prestigious University that believes in maintaining conservative values. It is my duty, as an educator, to adhere to their standards. According to him I was advised of this when I was offered the position. When I was offered the position I just needed a fucking job. We were in Belleville, that’s almost an hour away. The unprofessional conversation was nothing more than lunch with a friend for all they know. You called me ‘baby’, but that was out of habit. And the coffee shop? We were there during winter break, and the place was fucking empty. I can’t imagine anybody seeing us. None of the baristas are in any of my classes. But he did give me a very insincere ‘congratulations’ when he noticed the ring.”

“Cas, you don’t have to wear the ring,” Dean finally said quietly.

“I’m not taking off my ring, especially not now. This isn’t about the ring, it’s about judgmental bullshit and bureaucracy. It feels like a fucking witch hunt. I love you, Dean, and that is never going to change. But to have the University challenge me over it?”

“Do you remember when you told me that principle wasn’t going to get us out of the cold and find us a place to sleep?”

“That was a fucking motel, Dean.”

“I know that, baby. But it’s from the same vein. That night we talked about this town and the University. I didn’t think something like this would happen, but we both knew that there was a chance. We got careless…”

“We were in Belleville and it was your goddamn birthday. We were in my classroom, doing nothing wrong. We stopped for coffee on our way to the shore. None of that was careless, it was my fucking time to spend with the man that I love. Yes, we’ve had the conversation. It’s the 21st century and shit like this should not be happening, but it did.” Cas dropped his head in his hands. “I’m sorry, I know that I need to calm the fuck down.”

“No, you need to get it out of your system. They are wrong, Cas. We both know that. They are narrow minded, but they have their rules and that’s not going to change.”

“So I play their game?”

“I don’t know, baby,” Dean squatted next to Cas’s chair. “Look at me.” Cas turned his head and they locked eyes. “We do what we have to do in order to survive. It fucking sucks, I know. I wish I made enough so that you could go in there and tell them all to go to hell. But, for the time being, you may have to play their game.”

“And we need to be careful? We never fucking go anywhere, but now we have to hide when we do?”

“No, because if it happens again then I will talk to Sam and we will try to make things ugly for them. I hate the idea of letting this slide, and it is the last thing that I ever thought I’d suggest, but we will figure something out.”

“We should just pack up and…”

“No Cas, we are not packing up and going anywhere. This is your house, this is our home, and this bullshit isn’t going to push us out of it. You inherited it from somebody who loved you and you’ve put a hell of a lot of work into it. This house means too much, to both of us.” Cas turned in his chair and let himself be pulled into Dean’s arms. “Everything is going to be okay.”

\-------------------------

Dean got Cas into a hot shower and rubbed the muscles in his shoulders and neck until he relaxed. They finally settled in the den with the bottle of scotch and looked for a movie while they waited for the pizza to be delivered.

\-------------------------

“I wonder if the pizza guy is offended by our lifestyle.”

“Cas…”

“I know. As much as I appreciate the hot shower, I’m still irritated.”

“I know you are, baby. So am I. Just don’t wear your ring and we’ll keep it low key.”

“I’m not taking it off, Dean. I already said that wouldn’t. What about you? You had a meeting today. Did you wear your ring?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Have you taken it off since I slipped it on your finger?”

“No, I haven’t. And I don’t want to. I know what you are getting at, Cas. We are together and we’re not ashamed of it. You got called out and that fucking sucks. Maybe we shouldn’t be making out in parking lots.”

“Oh, we are not going to stop making out in parking lots,” Cas smiled. “We just need to park in darker places. There’s the pizza.”

\-------------------------

The kitchen renovation was a nightmare and the only thing that kept Dean sane most days was a tension relieving shower followed by a glass of scotch and Cas sitting between his legs on the couch. Sam had finally sent pictures of the dollhouse and Cas could not stop looking through them, his face awestruck.

\-------------------------

“I don’t ever want to hear you talk about how good my models are. Look at this, Dean. This is fucking phenomenal. I’ve seriously never seen anything like it. And you did all of this by hand? That was a stupid question, of course you did. I don’t even have words…”

“It’s just a dollhouse, Cas.”

“Are you serious? Don’t sit there blushing and pretending like this isn’t something special. Don’t downplay how good you are. We both know it and it’s time that you took ownership of it. I mean, there isn’t a chance in hell that I could do something like this. Shit, you might as well teach my classes.”

“And let you walk around in tight jeans getting hit on by bored housewives all day?” Dean grinned.

“Why not? Sounds like a fair trade.”

“Yeah, well trying to be polite while telling them no is not always easy. We need the work and some of them can get pretty aggressive.”

“So tell them you have plans to sign a legally binding contract giving me ownership of your soul,” Cas laughed, tilting his drink to his lips.

“Like I said before, I don’t know if it would stop some of them,” Dean chuckled. “You know, I was dead set on never being anybody’s husband, and the thought that someday I’d have one of my own never crossed my mind.”

“Any regrets?”

“None. I told you a long time ago, I try to live my life without them. Everything that’s happened brought us here. Two years ago I was living quietly in a small house doing everything that I could not to fit in. I read, I watched documentaries, and I tried to be invisible when I toured historic sites.”

“You didn’t do any of those things when you were in Kansas?” Cas questioned, leaning against Dean on the couch.

“Sometimes, but I felt like I was trying to be somebody that I’m not. I guess it was my own version of black and white. Sam was the brain, I was just trouble. I lived with the label. Who knows, maybe it was just as hard on him, expected to do the right thing all of the time. I had a four year lead, and he had to go to school as Dean Winchester’s little brother. Needless to say, most girls stayed away from him because of my reputation. But the drinking, the fights, the girls, it just stopped being fun. It was empty. Maybe it always had been, but I didn’t slow down long enough to see it. The offer to come here was what I needed. No reputation, no expectations, just get up and work and the rest was up to me.”

“And then you ended up at the infamous Novak house,” Cas smiled.

“Yes I did,” Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and pulled him close. “I was so fucking annoyed the day of our walk through. I’d been sitting in that truck thinking about cold beer and a movie that was waiting for me on my DVR. The day we just walked around the backyard I realized that I was talking to somebody who didn’t know me. I didn’t have 'Dean Winchester' hanging over my head. I honestly didn’t know how to feel about it. Something was there, I just didn’t know what it was. But the night when you showed up with that bottle, everything fell into place. Puzzle pieces. It made sense to me, and I hated that you were confused. I wanted to believe that you felt it too.”

“I did, I just didn’t know what to do with it.”

“I know you didn’t. There was a part of me that wanted the sex to be really bad so that I could get the idea out of my head and we could find a way to write it off. But it wasn’t. The night that you asked me to stay, to just share your bed and nothing else, I knew how I felt. I didn’t care if we had sex, I just wanted to be with you." Dean took a deep breath, his voice became thick and quiet. "After things got bad, after I walked out of here, I would lay in that bed in the guest house, needing to be with you. It was like an addiction and I didn’t know how to stop it. The second day that I was in Kansas I started looking at apartments.”

“Were you really considering moving back?” Cas asked quietly.

“I don’t know,” Dean sighed. “I felt like as long as I was here then a part of you would be paralyzed. But I also knew that I couldn’t abandon you because one day you might need me. When you knocked on my door the night after Naomi died, god I wanted you to need me, and you did, but for all of the wrong reasons. I wanted you with me, but I couldn’t be a band aid. I didn’t see ‘you’ in your eyes, not until you showed up at Sam’s. You were there, you were Cas again. I’d had dreams about that. Where I could look at you and all of the time that we spent together, they were moments and not mistakes.”

“I came to apologize, but all you wanted was a promise. I didn’t know how to make heads or tails of that. I went there ready to beg for you to forgive me, but you’d spent all of those months blaming yourself.”

“Because I knew that I had complicated your life in ways that you couldn’t live with.”

“My life was already complicated, I just chose to ignore it. You put me in a position of finally facing it.”

“And I had to watch your decline, Cas. That’s not something that you need to apologize for. It’s part of our story.”

\------------------------- 

They were just starting their season, and Dean knew that the only reason Kripke was willing to give him the time off was because he was going to see Sam. Everybody in Lawrence, Kansas knew that you didn’t mess with Sam Winchester unless you wanted to take on Dean. They may not have always gotten along, but Dean had always put his brother first. The Kripke’s grew up with the Winchesters, the youngest being only a few years older than Dean. He was the best foreman either of them had ever seen, and neither one of them would be willing to step in between him and his baby brother.

\-------------------------

Cas and Dean had finished grading finals, Dean on the couch with Cas between his legs. Dean didn’t love those moments because he really cared how these kids did, he loved that Cas believed him, that he listened to his opinion and consciously admitted when Dean was right. As arduous as grading was, Dean could feel Cas’s body against his and they could talk about something that they both loved. 

Some nights he would toy with Cas, he would tease him with gentle nips to his earlobes, his full lips kissing and sucking on his neck. On rare nights, Cas would let him slide their pants down far enough to enter him from behind, his back sliding against Dean’s chest, Dean holding their bodies together with one hand splayed across Cas’s stomach, stroking him with the other. He couldn’t see Cas’s eyes those nights, he couldn’t watch him pull his bottom lip between his teeth, but he heard the gentle cries and soft moans when Cas leaned his head back against his shoulder and started to tremble. They almost always came together quickly, breathing heavily, their bodies still until Dean went limp and Cas reached for the box of tissues. After a quick clean up, Cas would pick up his laptop and open it so that they could finish working while Dean smiled to himself, wondering what the staff, or even the students, would think if they knew that Professor Novak made love to his fiance while grading their finals. 

\-------------------------

“So, are you ready for Boston?”

“I’m ready for spring break. Shit, I could probably find a job down there and we could…”

“We’ve talked about this, Cas. I very rarely put my foot down, but you will not win this one.”

“I know, it’s not even worth debating because I’m all talk anyway. How about you, are you ready for this?”

“More than ready. Our season is going to start to pick up, I’m already geeking out over the historic shit, and I’d actually like to spend some time with my little brother. Just don’t tell him I said that. Never tell him I said that,” Dean grinned, tossing his bag in the car. 

“Well, Sam and Jess won’t be there until Wednesday so you’ll be stuck wandering around with me for a few days,” Cas smiled.

“Sounds perfect. Now get your ass in the car, Professor. We need to get on the road.”

\-------------------------

“Okay, the first places I want to hit are the Paul Revere House and the Old North Church,” Dean said, looking at the map that he laid out on the hotel room bed. “And of course the harbor.”

“Revolutionary War, how did I know?” Cas grinned.

“Oh, and Copley Square.”

“I already had Copley Square at the top of the list. In hindsight, I wish we’d booked a room there.”

“No, no, this is fine, baby,” Dean mumbled, bending over the map. “I guess we should probably come up with a few places that Jess might want to see while Sam is doing his boring shit.”

“You don’t think that she’d be interested in Revolutionary War Strongholds?”

“Probably not,” Dean smiled, leaning over to kiss Cas softly. “I’ll get all of my inner nerd shit out of the way before they get here.”

“I thought you were going to embrace it,” Cas smiled.

“I am embracing it, baby. Why do you think we’re sitting on a bed staring at a map?”

\-------------------------

Dean let go of Cas’s hand and slowly wandered around, periodically taking drinks from the hot coffee he held. Cas could only smile at the look on his face. It was awestruck and overwhelmed, he was in another place.

“Look at the stone masonry. It’s unbelievable. I mean, I’ve only worked with wood, I can’t imagine doing something like this by hand. Not on a large scale. One slip with a chisel and you could seriously fuck things up. And these structural styles, I know that there was a progression as each era borrowed from the one prior, and the European influence by immigrants, but the detailing. All of the shit today, it’s just slapped together pre-fab. No substance, no personality. Just row after row of the same house. I get that was the idea after World War 2, but it’s like something got lost in the mix.” He finally turned and smiled at Cas, “I’m doing it, aren’t I?”

“What?”

“Embracing my inner nerd?”

“I think that your inner nerd is embracing you at this point,” Cas grinned, wrapping his arms around Dean. “I knew you’d love it.”

“It’s fucking amazing, Cas. I mean, we’ve seen almost everything that there is to see in Maine, but it’s pretty much all small towns. This is crazy, this much history in a city this big.”

“This is one stop Dean, we still have plenty to see.”

“And only a couple of days to see it.”

“We’re going to be here for almost a week, we have plenty of time.”

“Yeah, but Sam and Jess will be here and we’ll be doing the family thing.”

“Family isn’t invited to wander around this city?” Cas chuckled.

“Not when you and I basically speak a foreign language when it comes to this shit. I don’t think that we have time to come up with subtitles,” Dean smiled, pressing his lips to Cas’s temple. “I say that we go get some lunch and then wander around the city some more. Tomorrow we hit the Revolutionary War strongholds.”

\-------------------------

Cas’s hands were shaking when he leaned down to tie his shoes. He sat up and started twisting the ring on his finger nervously. He’d spent days following Dean, a smile on his face while he watched the person he loved most experience things that he’d never expected. 

“Nervous?”

Cas looked up at Dean, the glint in his eyes and smile on his face.

“No, I think I’ve moved on to scared shitless. Not quite terrified, but definitely in the same neighborhood.”

“Cas,” Dean chuckled, flopping down on the bed. “Jess already adores you, and I didn’t see the creases in Sam’s forehead at all when we Skyped.”

“Forehead creases?”

“Yeah, he get them when he’s worried or concerned, they compliment his puppy dog eyes.”

“Puppy dog eyes?”

“The guy can do the most amazing things with his facial expressions. Sometimes I wonder if that’s part of what makes him a good lawyer. Don’t get me wrong, he is one of the nicest and most genuine guys you’ll ever meet, another thing that you can’t tell him I said, but he knows how to play the game. He had our mom so wrapped around his little finger with those looks it was almost laughable.”

“What about your dad?”

“That one is tough. I mean, the old man was proud of Sam, but he didn’t really get him. Not like he did me. Which is why we went to blows and Sam stayed out of the crossfire.”

“Did you and Sam fight a lot?”

“I wouldn’t say that. Just your run of the mill irritating little brother shit. He hated that my reputation was always hanging over his head, and he could not wait to leave Lawrence. But, he’s my baby brother. I probably cheered the loudest when he graduated from law school and I was the best man at his wedding. In our own way, Sammy and I are flip sides of the same coin. Who knows, maybe he’s hiding a crazy record collection or has a mini fridge full of cheap beer somewhere in his study,” Dean chuckled. “You know, I think when parents have two kids they secretly hope that one of the kids will turn out just like them. That’s how it went down in the Winchester house. Now,” Dean grunted, struggling to sit up. “We need to be at that restaurant in about a half hour. Should I be worried?”

“About what?” Cas looked confused.

“Your crush on Jess. You know, Sam and I will form a united front if necessary.”

“You are such an asshole,” Cas laughed. “Let’s finish getting ready and hope that I don’t vomit or pass out.”

“I love your positive thinking,” Dean grinned.

\-------------------------

“One of the advantages of having a brother who is 6’4” is that he’s easy to find in a crowd. It looks like they already have a table over there. Don’t be nervous.”

“Oh, I’m not...okay that’s a lie. However, so far I don’t feel like I’m going to vomit or pass out.”

“See, you’re doing good. Let’s get over there and get a drink in you,” Dean smiled, resting his hand against Cas’s lower back as they crossed the restaurant.

“Uh Cas, you kind of already know Jess.” Jess stood up to hug Dean and promptly pulled Cas into a hug. “I’m so glad that you guys could make it.”

“Well, we did have really exciting plans. I was hoping to check the roof and screens for any kind of winter damage, and Cas had some final designs that he needed to grade, but we were willing to put our fun aside so that we could see you,” Dean winked at Jess. “And you know that this monster is my baby brother.”

“Or you could call me Sam,” he smiled, reaching out to shake Cas’s hand firmly.

“It’s nice to finally meet you both in person,” Cas mumbled nervously, as he sat down.

“Did you order drinks yet? That’s kind of a big deal right now,” Dean smiled, reaching for Cas’s hand under the table.

“Uh no, we were waiting on you guys. I didn’t know if you’d want cocktails, straight liquor, or we could split a bottle of wine. I’m not going to bother to ask if you want water,” Sam grinned.

“Cas?”

“Scotch, on the rocks,” he answered quietly.

“Sounds good.”

They waited for their drink order and the questions began.

“So, you’re a professor?”

“Yeah, The History of Architecture for the art department. It’s a small University,” Cas tried to keep his voice even.

“That’s a pretty specific subject.”

“I’m actually a licensed architect, just not a very good one,” he turned his eyes to Dean and waited.

“Don’t listen to him. He’s a hell of an architect. He drew up the blueprints for his own reno. They were complicated and detailed. He had my guys working their asses off. You should see some of his designs and models.”

“And yet I teach,” Cas mumbled, taking a drink.

“So why architecture?” Jess asked.

“I wish I had an interesting story about being the kid who liked to build things or had a long standing love affair with my lincoln logs. I took an architecture class when I was in college and ended up loving it. So, I declared it as my major. A full graduate program, student loan debt that will forever haunt me, internships, state exams, and yet I’m lucky enough to teach rich spoiled kids who are only there to earn their art credit. It’s not quite as glamorous as it sounds,” Cas finally smiled.

“If you are still interested in it, you can do all sorts of things using the internet. I mean, I decorated rooms in your house from across the country.”

“Well, the issue there is the talent. I know non-professionals who have a better eye than I do,” Cas looked at Dean out of the corner of his eye when he felt the fingers squeeze his leg. 

“So find non-professionals to help you. You can even add an interior designer as part of your team,” Jess gave him her perfect California smile.

“The teaching gig pays the bills, well it pays for the student loans. You have no idea how nice it is to have no mortgage.”

“No, we don’t,” Sam smiled, looking up at the waiter who was ready to take their order.

“So, where did you go to school?” Sam asked, after the waiter had walked away with the menus tucked under his arm.

“Boston College.”

“Impressive,” Sam shook his head approvingly.

“It’s not Stanford Law,” Cas smiled.

“Ah, my brother has been talking about me.”

“I was nice, Sammy. I told him how you married well, that you have a beautiful daughter who looks just like her mother…”

“What? No nerd jokes?”

“Oh no, he tells plenty of nerd jokes. I’m just waiting for him to wake up one day and realize that he lives with a professor who is also a licensed architect. I’m kind of double nerd joke material.”

“But you listen to good music and have a better wardrobe, that makes you exempt.”

“So, uh, personal question…”

“Oh god, I asked her not to do this,” Sam groaned.

“The rings?”

“Pretty nice, right?” Dean asked casually. “They were my birthday present.”

“Your birthday present?” Sam raised his eyebrows at his brother.

“Yeah. Actually more like pre-birthday. We went to the shore and...”

“Are you purposely avoiding the question and being difficult?”

“I thought that was just his personality. You mean he’s fluent in something other than facetious comebacks and sarcasm?” Cas smiled. Jess looked at him and tried not to laugh.

“So you’re asking why we have rings?”

“I know how private you are, I’m not trying to be nosy,” Jess said softly.

“Yes, I’m private. But if I wanted it to stay a deep dark secret, then the rings would be at home. We’re test driving them, eventually there will be a big day.”

“Wait, what?”

“She asked about the rings, Sammy. Why are you acting all surprised? If you want to look at them like they’re small platinum friendship bracelets, then go ahead.”

“No, I just never expected…”

“Yeah, neither did I until I proposed on the beach.” 

Cas had to drop his head, it was almost impossible not to laugh at the brother’s exchange. He caught Jess’s eye and she winked.

“You proposed on the beach?”

“Yeah.”

“Our beach?”

“If you mean the one a few miles from your house, then yes.”

“And you plan to get married?”

“Eventually. Do I need to write this all down so that you can read it later? We had one of those rom-com conversations on the beach and I asked him. He gave me the rings for my birthday,” Dean grinned.

“Do mom and dad know?”

“Dad didn’t tell you about the day we spent drinking herbal tea and having a meaningful conversation about life and love?”

“You are such an asshole.”

“See baby, you aren’t the only one who thinks so,” Dean leaned over and pressed his lips to Cas’s temple.

\-------------------------

They were talking and laughing, Sam and Jess obviously enamored by Cas when he tilted his head and looked across the room between them. “Oh shit.”

“What, baby.”

“Blast from the past, and it just made eye contact. If you will all excuse me for a minute I’m going to go say hello to an old friend.” He slid his chair back and tried to smile when he stood up and walked away.

“What in the hell was that?”

“Your guess is as good as mine, Sammy. He grew up around here so it could be anyone. It doesn’t look like his ex-wife, but it could be.”

“Wait, he has an ex-wife” Jess asked, confused.

“Yeah. I’m his first, he’s my first, you get the idea.” He watched Cas hug the woman awkwardly and shake hands with the man who was sharing her table. They were engaging in small talk, but he knew Cas, and it looked forced. He finally smiled and walked back to their table.

“Sorry about that,” he looked up as the waiter approached and gestured towards his empty glass. The waiter just nodded and started clearing plates.

“You okay?”

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. Like I said, I grew up around here. I went to a huge Catholic school and spent every Sunday at Mass. I didn’t expect to bump into anyone I knew, but I knew it was possible.” Cas stammered. “Now where were we?"

“I believe that Dean was being a smart ass…”

“You’ve got to be more specific than that, Sammy,” Dean grinned.

“Fine, I’ll just get back to being nosy,” Jess smiled. “Are either one of you going to change your name?”

“No, but I have already changed my emergency contact, which was a good idea anyway considering the old one was my aunt who passed away two years ago.”

“Are you going to tell mom and dad?” Sam looked at his brother.

“Do you plan to beat me to the punch?”

“No, not at all. I was just wondering because of how dad is, you know.”

“Well,” Dean sighed, dropping his napkin on the table. “Dad is dad and you heard him say that he may not understand it but he isn’t going to judge us. I’m not going to hide it from them. I spent over a year lying to mom when she asked if I was seeing anybody. I’m not doing that anymore. But, I’m also not going to send him a long letter pouring my heart out and I’m not putting mom in a position to run interference between us. They’ll find out when it’s time for them to find out. I’m not ashamed. Hell, it was my idea. The only thing that’s changed is that I now own expensive jewelry that reminds me that this is worth fighting for. Everything else is the same. The house is still covered in dust, I still fall asleep during movies, but I did finish the liquor cabinet,” he smiled. “I even got highly motivated and filled it.”

“Now we just need to work on the wine cellar.”

“Yeah, we are running a little low. Or a lot low depending on how you look at it. I’m sorry, but we can’t replace the shit Hester had. We’re going to have to learn to live with low end or take out a small loan.”

“Or use those jeans and bored housewives to your advantage,” Cas laughed.

“You are such a dick,” Dean smiled.

“Which is why you love me.”

“It’s one of the many reasons,” Dean said softly, forgetting that Sam and Jess were at the table when he kissed Cas gently.

“Okay, that will take some getting used to,” Sam said, clearing his throat.

“How do you think we felt in the beginning, Sammy?” Dean chuckled. “We’ll keep the PDA to a minimum. What time is your meeting thingy tomorrow?”

“It starts at 9:00.”

“I still think that one of the higher ups has it in for you. Jess, do you want to go on the Cas Novak tour of Boston with us?”

“I don’t want to intrude.”

“Knocking on our door at 6:00am and waking us up is intruding. Meeting us in the lobby and going for coffee before Cas drags us around town is not intruding.”

“Okay, well if you’re sure, just text me when are ready.”

“Sounds good,” Cas smiled. “It was nice meeting you and proving that I am more than just a hot emotional mess standing in an archway.”

“It was nice meeting you too,” Sam laughed.

With hugs and handshakes, they went their separate ways.

\-------------------------

Dean was dying to know, but he didn’t want to pry. He was pulling his boots off when Cas came out of the bathroom, his button down shirt opened. He walked to Dean and stood between his legs, pulling his head against his stomach. “This isn’t a subtle hint, Dean. I just want to feel you,” he said quietly.

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’s waist and pressed his lips softly to the warm skin. It may not have been a hint, but it brought out a hunger in Dean when he reached up to push Cas’s shirt off of his shoulders, squeezing and caressing the toned muscles before running his hands down his smooth chest. His mouth left a trail of faint marks along Cas’s waist band. He squeezed his ass and reached for his belt buckle. Cas pushed him back on the bed, working his shirt buttons and deftly undoing both of their belts. Dean closed his eyes and smiled while Cas slowly stripped him and crawled onto the bed. His hot mouth moved down Dean’s body, stopping to take a nipple between his teeth and gently biting. Cas’s hands seemed to be everywhere at once, his mouth knew the places that needed to be touched. Dean gasped when he felt the warm tongue slide up the silky skin of his hard cock and swirl around the head. Cas crawled back up, his own cock throbbing next to Dean’s, held between their bodies when Dean lifted his hips and started to rock. Cas’s skin was like silk when it brushed against Dean’s, his lips were soft and his tongue seeking while they kissed deeply. Dean felt Cas throbbing against him and he slid his shaking thighs against Cas’s hips before his body tensed and he came with a loud groan, looking into Cas’s eyes, the lust blown pupils, his chest heaving when he pressed their bodies together and cried out. He buried his face in Dean’s neck, softly kissing and sucking, shivering at the fingers that gently moved across his back, leaving goosebumps in their wake. They wordlessly climbed out of bed and into the shower, sharing slow lingering kisses and gentle hands. Wrapped in fluffy hotel bathrobes they sat on the bed, Cas between Dean’s legs.

\-------------------------

“I’m guessing you’re wondering who that was,” Cas finally said quietly.

“I wasn’t going to ask, Cas.”

“I know you weren’t, but I know you’re still wondering. That,” Cas took a deep breath, “was the gray sheep.”

“The gray sheep?”

“The Novak who had the audacity to get a divorce but was still allowed to be a part of the flock. That was my baby sister.”

“Hannah?”

“Yeah, Hannah and her new fiance. I almost didn’t recognize her, it’s been so long. Once I did, I almost didn’t go to her table, but I didn’t want her coming to ours.”

“So, uh, how was it.”

“Not entirely painful. She knows about us, they all do. I figured they would. She saw the ring, but didn’t ask.”

“Is this going to…”

“Set me back? No. I told you before, they were all victims too, I was just the one who actually stood up to Naomi.”

“So, did you just make love to me because you wanted to make sure...”

“No,” Cas chuckled. “I made love to you because you are undeniably sexy, and I’m a little tipsy.”

“I can live with that,” Dean grinned. “So what does this mean?”

“We exchanged numbers, she wants to get together for coffee while I’m in the city. I told her it’s a big maybe because I have family in town,” Cas smiled.

“Speaking of, how are you feeling about that?”

“Sam and Jess?” Cas asked, tilting his head back to look at Dean.

“Yeah.”

“Jess is everything that I expected. Sam’s reaction to our...well, I guess it’s our engagement...and your banter had me biting my tongue. They seemed to welcome me.”

“Welcome you? I think they walked out of there liking you more than they like me.”

“Well, we have a lot to do tomorrow. I think we should ditch the robes and find a movie.”

“Can we still fool around a little,” Dean smiled.

“Have I ever told you no?”

\-------------------------

Dean followed Cas quietly through the museums, just listening to him and Jess talk. He loved the sound of Cas’s voice when he was excited about something, and he loved the look in Jess’s eyes when he showed her something new. 

They went back to Copley Square, Dean wandered around slowly and looked closely at the buildings. He knew that it was a ridiculous idea, but he thought about trying to talk Cas into building a retaining wall around one side of the pool. He wanted to know what it was like to work with stone. 

He smiled and nodded when Jess called to him that they were ready for lunch.

\-------------------------

“The buildings here are amazing,” Jess smiled.

“You would love our house. I know that you wandered around with me while I facetimed you, but the exterior is beautiful.”

“Except for the garage,” Cas laughed. “He dropped the ball historically when he built it.”

“You two are so…”

“If you use a word even remotely resembling ‘cute’...”

“Okay then, unbelievable,” Jess smiled at Dean. “I’ve known you for a long time, Dean. I didn’t think it would happen for you.” Dean could feel his cheeks grow warm and he dropped his eyes, focusing on his sandwich. “Did I embarrass you?” Jess leaned towards him, still smiling. “That wasn’t my intention, but it is kind of…”

Dean lifted his head and looked at her.

“Um...unexpected. It was unexpected.”

“I thought it was cute,” Cas laughed.

“You are such an asshole.” Dean tried not to smile.

“What?” Cas feigned innocence. “You don’t think that we’re cute?”

“Puppies are cute, baby rabbits are cute, we’re grown men.”

“C’mon Dean, your relationship is something special. There’s something about it.”

“Aren’t all relationships special?”

“You know what I mean. You guys have this way of looking at one another. You can finish each other’s sentences.”

“That’s because we don’t have anybody else to talk to. Remember, small town?” Dean finally smiled.

“I always thought that there wasn’t a woman in the world who could handle Dean Winchester,” Jess rested her chin on her hand and smiled at them.

“There isn’t,” Cas winked. 

“And you, you’re just so...different.”

“In what way?” Dean asked.

“I don’t know. I’ve just known you for a long time, and I feel horrible saying this, but I never thought that I would walk through a museum with you. I saw the look on your face, you seemed to be enjoying yourself.”

“Well, when you spend over two years living up here, doing what I do for a living, and have the added bonus of a 24 hour on hand expert in historic architecture, you pick some things up. My life in Kansas, it got old. Shit changes and eventually you learn to appreciate new things. Now, I’ve got to hit the little boys room. Enjoy talking about me,” he grinned. 

Cas watched him walk away, frustrated and sad. He knew that Dean had opened up to Sam, but he also knew that Dean regretted it. He’d wanted, he’d hoped that he had been able to make Dean believe in himself enough to let his family actually see the reality, see what he saw every day. But obviously, he still didn’t. 

“So, when did you know?” Jess turned to Cas as soon as Dean was out of earshot.

“Probably the first time I saw his ass in tight jeans.”

“So wait, I’m confused, you’ve always…”

“No,” Cas laughed. “He’s the only one. I honestly don’t know how to answer that. I mean there was no ‘ah ha’ moment for me. Maybe I fell in love with him the first time we really talked, maybe it wasn’t until he kissed me, I really don’t know. I just reached a point where I hated being away from him. Wow, that sounds a little stalkerish.”

“No it doesn’t,” Jess chuckled.

“I remember sitting there one night realizing that once the renovation was over, he wouldn’t be there. I asked him to rent my guest house, and he did. I don’t really know how to explain it, he’s like a drug to me. We split up for awhile, but you knew that. You got to answer the door and usher in the key player of the awkward Winchester Christmas. I had some shit that I needed to get through and he knew that I had to do it alone, so he left. I’ll never hold it against him, it’s what I needed. But I felt so fucking sick, I felt like I couldn’t function, like I couldn’t even breathe sometimes. So ridiculously cheesy, but he gives me life. He really does. And here he comes.”

“So, what are we talking about?”

“Oh, I was just telling her about that thing you do. You know when you…”

“Okay, Cas. Enough.”

“What?” Cas’s eyes widened. “You didn’t even give me enough time to draw the diagram.”

\-------------------------

“You’re sure you don’t want to hear about my symposium? I mean the annual codification by the Office of the Law Revision Counsel, is fascinating shit.”

“Uh no, I think we’re good. But I’m pretty sure we all appreciate the offer,” Jess murmured, leaning over to kiss Sam. “I do feel bad that you have to spend two more days stuck in a conference room while I get to wander around this city with these handsome guys.”

“See,” Dean grinned. “I am the handsome Winchester. Now if she’d finally admit to that weekend we spent…”

“Stop it Dean,” Jess laughed. “We definitely have to come back and leave enough time to go up to Maine for a few days. Cas is an amazing tour guide.”

“He is,” Dean squeezed Cas’s knee under the table. “I don’t know how many historic sites he’s taken me to in Maine.”

Cas looked at Dean and sighed almost imperceptibly. “Yeah, you are welcome any time. We have a guest house just waiting for guests.”

“But we’d probably have to dust it first,” Dean winked.

\-------------------------

“So you’re really considering it?”

Cas looked up from where his head was resting on Dean’s shoulder, “I don’t know. I don’t know what in the fuck to do. A part of me wants to, but a part of me thinks that it’s better to just let sleeping dogs lie.”

“It’s up to you, baby. You can’t do something just because you’ll look like an asshole if you don’t. You aren’t obligated.”

“I know. But like I told you, I feel some compassion towards them. In their own way, they are all just as fucked up as I was. I just don’t think that they see it.”

“You don’t think that it will…”

“Dig up a past that should probably stay buried? No, I really don’t. Yeah, I hate that I didn’t have much in the way of family when I was growing up, but I can’t change it. I had Hester, I have you, and someday I’ll be able to count Sam and Jess as family.”

“Someday as in already? They love you. You and Jess clicked right away, and Sam pulled the stick out of his ass long enough to actually laugh and joke,” Dean smiled, bending his head for a gentle kiss. “But I thought we were talking about you.”

“You keep doing that, I’ll be too distracted.”

“Okay, talk. Pros and cons.”

“Cons, she’s a Novak and I want to put the Novak’s behind me. Pro, she’s a human being who was, in a lot of ways, held prisoner by Naomi. Shit, I’m the one who broke free. Yeah, 18 years of bullshit, but I still got away. Her expectations never meant a damn thing to me. The girls, it was different. Stay pure and virginal, get perfect grades, attend Mass at least twice a week. They were both younger and couldn’t really do anything to help me. Granted, they let me take the fall for a lot of shit, but it’s not like they knew how to stand up to her. They didn’t see me as their brother, I wasn’t Mike or Gabe. I can’t fault Hannah for that.”

“So, you’ve made your decision?”

“I think so, but can I be needy?”

“You can be anything you want, baby,” Dean smiled.

“Will you come with me? At least for a few minutes. What we have, that’s my life. If she has an issue with it, then we walk away.”

\-------------------------

Dean looked at Hannah while Cas awkwardly hugged her. She was small, she had the same dark hair, but not Cas’s blue eyes. Nobody had Cas’s blue eyes. He smiled and held his hand out when Cas introduced him and they sat down in a booth.

It was uncomfortably obvious that Cas and Hannah had nothing to talk about, that there was no common ground, and it made Dean appreciate Sam. He thought about getting up from the table, giving them space, but he knew it would be pointless. He sat quietly drinking his coffee while Cas asked about Hannah’s kids and Hannah asked about his job. Dean could sense when Cas had finally had enough and he reached for his hand under the table.

“Well, it was good to see you, Hannah. I hope that everything works out for you and the kids. Now, we have lunch plans with Dean’s sister-in-law so we should probably get going.”

“Cast…”

“Please, don’t call me that. Not by the name that she gave me. If you need to refer to me at all, it’s Cas.”

“Cas,” Hannah said meekly, somehow looking even smaller. “I just wanted you to know that I never hated you. I never felt ill will towards you.”

“You know,” Cas scoffed. “None of that matters anymore. I’m sorry that you and Rachel had to deal with the bullshit that you did. I really am. You’re a good person who deserved a better upbringing, just like I am. But you and I, we’re nothing alike. I don’t have any ill will towards you, Hannah, I just don’t know you. I do hope that you find happiness.” He bent down and kissed her cheek, his smile was forced and apologetic. He weaved his fingers between Dean’s and led him out of the coffee shop.

\-------------------------

“So?”

“Cathartic, painless, but not altogether pointless.”

“Okay, I get that,” Dean smiled, pressing his lips to Cas’s temple as they started walking down the sidewalk.

“She doesn’t see it, and it’s not my job to show her.”

“Final step in letting go of the Novak’s?”

“No, nothing more than an empty reminder. I let go of them when I realized that I’m entitled to be happy, and I’m the only one who can create that path. I make my own rules and I dictate my life.”

“Except when I get bossy,” Dean smiled.

“Who says that isn’t part of my happiness?”

\-------------------------

Dinner was full of witty banter and stories. Some about the Winchester brothers as they were growing up, some about where they’d ended up as adults. Cas smiled and laughed, he felt comforted and loved. He was sharing a table with two functioning dysfunctional brothers who couldn’t be more different, but couldn’t care about one another more. It took over 30 years, but Cas looked around the dinner table and saw family. 

\-------------------------

“It sucks that Sam and Jess couldn’t make it up here for a day or two.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Dean said distractedly, reaching for his bag.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, why?”

“I don’t know,” Cas shrugged. “You’ve just been quiet since we left Boston. Actually, you’ve been kind of quiet for the last couple of days.”

“Nah, I’m good, baby.”

“I call bullshit, but I say we get in the house, unpack, and jump in the shower. Then I’ll start hounding you for answers while we eat something. I’m starving.”

\-------------------------

“Okay, talk.”

“Damn, you’re bossy,” Dean smiled.

“Sometimes, but something is going on and if I have to pull the ‘open and honest’ card, I will.”

“I don’t know,” Dean said quietly, tilting the beer bottle to his lips. “I uh, it just felt a little off.”

“Off? I’m going to need more to work with.”

“Well, we talk a certain way, me and you, when we’re at home. I mean, going early was a hell of an idea because I couldn’t have done it with Jess there. I couldn’t have taken it outside.”

“Taken it outside?”

Dean pushed his plate aside and leaned back in his chair. “Copley Square.”

“What about it?”

“I kind of went a little overboard.”

“No you didn’t, you had the reaction that I expected. That’s why I wanted you to see it. The look on your face, I’ve only seen that look a few times, Dean.”

“Okay, but that wasn’t the reaction that Jess would have expected.”

“How could you possibly know that?”

“I was out of my element.”

“No, actually you were in your element. You knew more than I do about most of the shit that we saw. How is that out of your element?”

“Law degree from Stanford, communications and design degree from Stanford, architecture degree from Boston College, absolutely no degree from the school of hard knocks. One of these things is not like the others, Cas.”

“You’re right, you are. I’ve never been to Kansas and the three of you have.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Please don’t do this,” Cas said quietly, looking at Dean across the table. “Don’t stand in your brother’s shadow, or Jess’s, or mine.”

“I’ve never felt like I was standing in your shadow. You have never made me feel that way. Shit, you do the opposite and you know it. But them, they don’t know that guy. They don’t understand that guy.”

“That guy? You mean the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with? Then I feel sorry for them because he’s pretty amazing.”

“Cas…”

“So we all have degrees and are still swimming in student loan debt. How does that take away from the things that you have learned on your own? If anything, you’re a step ahead of us because you didn’t sit in Professor Novak’s History of Architecture class so that you could get a fucking class credit. You read books, watched documentaries, and visited historic sites. It was all hands on and it was all because architecture and history are things that you love, that you are passionate about.”

“You are the only person who has seen that side of me.”

“And you’re determined to keep it that way, aren’t you?”

“I’m a construction foreman, Cas. I do the heavy lifting. That’s how it’s always been, and I’m okay with that. I am just like my old man, I’ve heard it my whole life. Hard working blue collar boys.”

“I’m not going to argue that, but there is a hell of a lot more to you. You don’t want your brother or your sister-in-law to know that?”

“No, I don’t,” Dean said quietly. “When I said that I moved here to be anonymous, it wasn’t just my friends, it was my family too. I’m not Sam, I am the polar opposite of Sam. I’m just like John and Sam is just like Mary. Everybody who’s ever known the Winchesters knows that. After more than 30 years, why change the status quo?”

Cas left his chair and rounded the table to kneel next to Dean, “Listen, I was drawn to you the minute I met you because you were everything that I’m not. Confident and cocky, you have this charisma, you are the definition of sex appeal. That’s what everybody sees on the surface. When you let me get a glimpse of what else is inside of you, it didn’t make sense to me. I felt like no one person should be allowed to have all of that plus be so gentle and so smart, so driven and passionate. These are all things that I felt the day we walked around my yard together drinking beer. I hadn’t spent time with you away from this house, I wasn’t blinded by love or lust because I barely knew you. I was envious as hell because there is so much to you that a person could spend years around you, but never really get to the core of who you are. That’s how you’ve lived, you’ve kept people from getting to the core, but you fucked up. I know you, Dean. I know you on almost every level. You say that you let me in because I didn’t have any preconceived notions. That’s bullshit. We all have preconceived notions the first time we see somebody or we hear them talk. Mine just got blown up when I found out that your knowledge of this architecture style was something that you taught yourself and not what your boss had told you. Nothing about you makes sense, and that’s what I love. Your hands that are calloused from years of working with them have always felt soft on my skin. Your temper and impatience have never been in this house. When I was going through all of my personal shit, you were nothing but patient and understanding. You cockiness and charisma, we could go to a bar right now and you could leave with somebody, but I know that you wouldn’t. You’re loyal, I have never doubted that. Your reaction in Copley Square and all of the other places we visited in Boston were exactly what I was hoping for because when I saw your face the day that I took you to the MacAvoy house, it honestly took my breath away. Maybe that’s the moment when I fell in love with you. When you stood there in work boots, jeans, a t-shirt, your arrogant posture and cocky grin, and you saw the beauty that I wanted you to see. I look at you, and you are so fucking sexy that I can’t wait to drop your clothes in a pile on the bedroom floor. But when you talk to me, help me grade papers, visit historic sites, I want you even more. I am not obligated to look at you and see that you are perfect, you just are. I’m sorry if you regret our trip to Boston, but I have never been more in love with you or wanted you more than I do right now.”

“I don’t regret it, not at all,” Dean said softly, turning in his chair and pulling Cas into his arms. “The first couple of days were perfect. I saw things that I’d read about in books or watched documentaries on. I got to share that with my best friend and lover. But that’s our world, Cas. I broke down that night when I talked to Sam. He caught me off guard while I was designing and I was already fucked up. I told him shit and in hindsight, I wish I would have just kept my fucking mouth shut. They wouldn’t believe this version of me if they saw it for themselves.”

“Which is why you barely said a word after they showed up. Dean, this is your life now. You made the conscious decision to build something with me and all of my baggage. You fell in love with a disgruntled professor who wears fake glasses and purposely drives a generic car. You saw a t-shirt, a fucking t-shirt and you decided to take a chance on me. Comfort zones, remember? I’m not going to push you, not about this, but it’s a big part of who we are. I just want you to stop selling yourself short. I can be selfish and try to keep this guy all to myself, or I can want the world to know how lucky I am because you decided to share your life with me. There are no shadows, you can stand on your own. I love you, Dean.”

“I love you too, Cas.”

\-------------------------

Dean did two or three walk throughs a week, sometimes driving as far as two hours away. He used his knowledge base and his tight jeans and finally scored a big contract. It was as big as Cas’s house if not bigger. It was a Folk Victorian that needed an almost complete internal overhaul. Dean talked Kripke into letting him meet with the homeowner and architect alone and went over the fine details, the woodwork, the style. Other than the Novak house, this was Dean’s dream job. It was almost an hour to the site, and he came home exhausted every night, but the light in his eyes and the way that he talked about it made Cas love him even more. He was still frustrated every time he listened to Dean talk to his brother or his mom about the job and downplay his role. He desperately wanted Dean to be as proud as he was. He finally broke down and went behind Dean’s back. He made a decision that was risky, and he made a call that he knew he probably shouldn’t make. Dean was working long hours, and he had plenty of time to figure some things out.

\-------------------------

Dean dropped his work gloves on a counter and pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Hey baby, I didn’t expect to hear from you. What’s going on?...Okay slow down...Where are you?...Where?...Uh yeah, I can take my lunch. Just stay there....I love you too.” He sighed and slid his phone back in his pocket. “Hey,” he called out. “I need to head out for a little while, are you guys okay in here?” He saw the nods and heard the yes’s before he pulled his keys out of his pocket and headed for his work truck.

\-------------------------

He pulled into the coffee shop parking lot and parked next to where Cas was leaning against his car. He got out and wrapped his arms around him.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Cas questioned, looking around.

“I work construction, those guys don’t come anywhere near places like this, and I’m pretty sure that they know about us. Let’s go in and grab something to drink. Then explain to me what in the fuck is going on.”

Cas just nodded and let Dean intertwine their fingers, leading him into the small building.

\-------------------------

“So, the art history department had our end of year budget meeting today. Technically summer semester is still part of the school year, but they look at the numbers from fall, winter, and spring. Anyway, enrollments have decreased over the last year and they’ve decided to make budget cuts. My Saturday seminars have been indefinitely cancelled as well as my new class in popular 20th century design. They cut a third of my class schedule. Nobody else in the department, just me.”

“So, what does that mean when it comes to your salary?”

“According to them the change in my salary won’t be significant.”

“Okay,” Dean said slowly. “We can get through a salary cut, and those classes make you miserable. What’s really going on, Cas?”

“Well,” Cas took a shuddering breath. “The head of the department came to my classroom after the meeting. He asked me how I felt about the cuts, the typical pseudo sympathetic rhetoric. I get it, I teach a very specific subject and if they have to make cuts, then my curriculum is going on be on the chopping block. I’ve known that all along. But, he attempted friendly conversation. I don’t think that I’ve ever had a friendly conversation with anybody at the University. I show up, I teach, I go home. That’s what I’ve always done. Well, professors must gossip because he seemed aware of my discussion with the administration a few months ago. I didn’t know what in the fuck was going on until he implied that he could revisit the budget if I am willing to work with him and prove that my program is worth the University’s time and money.”

“Wait,” Dean said, his eyes blazing. “He fucking propositioned you?”

“Not in so many words, but yes.”

“What’s his name?”

“Dean…”

“If you don’t want to tell me, I can look at the website or call the school. You’re done. You’re fucking done, Cas.”

“I need the job, Dean. I don’t have a lot of options. I’m a licensed architect who doesn’t know shit about anything other than architecture. What in the fuck am I supposed to do?” Cas cried softly with a shuddering breath.

“Not put up with that shit, for one. Can’t you turn him in for harassment?”

“To who? I’ve already got strikes against me with the administration because I haven’t upheld their values. I can’t go in there and accuse a department head of anything.”

“God, I want to just go…”

“I know, and I knew that would be your first reaction, but I wasn’t going to hide it from you. You’d see it on my face anyway. Maybe I should have waited until you got home instead of driving this fucking far to ruin your work day.”

“This isn’t about me or ruining my day. What happens if you just ignore the motherfucker and take the pay cut.”

“Then I ignore him and take the pay cut, but there is no guarantee that they’ll even keep my curriculum active. They can cut my program entirely. I teach an elective course, and not a very popular one. I don’t have tenure. They can let me go.”

“I’ll call Sam.”

“And do what, Dean? Make this even messier?”

“No, look into our options. Some asshole propositioned you in exchange for keeping your job. Summer semester starts in what, two weeks?”

“Yeah, about that.”

“Then we have two weeks to nail his balls to the wall. I can’t let this slide, Cas. We have three options. I call Sam, you tell them to go to hell, or I go to the University and find the asshole so that we can have a heart to heart about your relationship status.”

“I didn’t want to get you this riled up, I just lost it and needed to talk. Maybe I shouldn’t have called you. Maybe I should have waited,” Cas said quietly, tears starting to roll down his cheeks.

“Baby,” Dean’s voice softened. “Okay, I’m not going to go show him a side of Dean Winchester that you’ve ever seen. I want to, but I won’t because it wouldn’t end well. If you need to talk, then we talk. We can sit down tonight once we’ve both had some time and figure this out. Right now, you need to go home and try to relax. Hell, start drinking in the middle of the day if you need to. We’ll get through this just like we’ve gotten through everything else.”

“I know you’re pissed...”

“Yeah, I am, at that asshole. I would love to wrap my hands around his fucking neck, but for the first time in my life I can’t let the anger control me. I need to look at the big picture. I have a life that is worth protecting, and it’s with you. When my old man said that this is worth fighting for, he was right. But starting a fight isn’t worth it. It’s not going to help. Do you want me to bail for the rest of the day? I’ve got the guys doing some flooring, they can handle it without me.”

“No,” Cas said quietly. “Kripke is counting on you and you shouldn’t have to babysit me.”

“It’s not babysitting, Cas. It’s called being overprotective. You are shaken up. I will leave and come home with you if you need me to.”

“I know you will,” Cas lifted his head and looked into those emerald eyes that were caught somewhere between anger and tenderness. “But the situation won’t change between now and the time you get home. I’ll just take a hot shower and pour a drink. I’m just...fuck...I don’t even know what I am right now.”

“I’ll finish up at the site as soon as I can and I’ll just drop my paperwork off to Kripke in the morning. I should only be a few hours.” Dean reached across the table for Cas’s hand. He could feel him trembling. “Let me walk you to your car.” Dean stood up and held Cas’s hand in his while they walked out of the coffee shop. He wrapped his arms around Cas and pressed his lips against his temple once they reached the parking lot. “I’m sorry, baby.”

“I love you, Dean.” Cas looked at him with those watery blue eyes. The same watery blue eyes that could break him.

“I love you too, baby. I’ll see you in a few hours.” They kissed softly and Dean stood by his work truck until he couldn’t see Cas’s taillights anymore. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled down his contact list.

\-------------------------

“Sammy, you busy?...Okay, well I can go into more detail later if I need to but I need some information or advice...Yeah, sexual harassment at a private University...of course I’m talking about Cas...Yeah, well I’m surprised that I’m not kicking the shit out of the asshole too...It’s a private school with a conduct code and all of that shit, but I need to know if we have a legal leg to stand on...Yeah, just call me later. I have to get back to work. Thanks Sam...You too.” He slid his phone back in his pocket and pounded his fist on the hood of his truck. He knew that he would be worthless to his crew for the rest of the day, but they needed a foreman on site. He begrudgingly got in his truck and started the engine.

\-------------------------

“Well, Sam called me back and without any witnesses, it’s your word against his and really not a damn thing that we can do about it. We have no legal leg to stand on,” Dean sighed, sitting on the couch next to Cas.

“I knew that we wouldn’t. I’m sure that I agreed to some fucked up morals and values clause. It’s not like I expected that someday I would fall in love with a man and become that nauseating couple who shows affection. My hands are tied. I can’t do a damn thing. I just hate that when I go back I have to see that son of a bitch. That he can hold my job over my head,” Cas felt Dean’s arm wrap around him and pull him close.

“I don’t like it either, baby. We’ll figure something out.”

\-------------------------

Dean closed the Impala door and pocketed the keys. He took a deep breath and looked at his reflection in the glass door just a few feet away. He had on the jeans, the ones that seemed to get contracts, and a t-shirt that showed just enough muscle to be noticed without being outwardly intimidating. “Here goes nothing,” he mumbled as he walked inside. 

He ordered his drink and looked around while he waited. He finally found the booth that he wanted and after nodding a thank you at the kid behind the counter, he walked over and slid into the seat.

“Mr. Walker?”

“Uh, excuse me, do I know you?”

“No,” Dean smirked, extending his hand. “But you may have seen me around. Dean Winchester.” He saw the man glance, but make no effort to reciprocate. “Not a hand shaker? Hey, not everybody is.” He rested his elbows on the table and leaned forward, making a show of twisting the ring on his finger.

“Can I help you with something?” 

“I think that maybe you can. See, I got an interesting phone call a couple of days ago. The person that I love more than anything had one of those days at work that’s enough to make you go home and start drinking. It was rough, and I wasn’t too happy about it. Now, my initial reaction was to drop everything and take care of it my way. But, I promised I wouldn’t. I mean, my way has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past. The problem is, I am who I am and I just can’t let it go.” Dean looked at the man evenly. “I told Cas that wouldn’t do this…”

“Cas?”

“Oh yeah, I forgot that part,” Dean held up his left hand. “You may have seen me walking around the campus once or twice. You know how it goes, dropping off lunch and shit like that. The things we do to keep our better halves happy, right?” he smiled. “Where was I? Oh right, I told Cas that I wouldn’t do this. Well, not this specifically. I told him that day that I wouldn’t go to the University and have a talk with you. Technically I never promised that I wouldn’t sit down for a nice conversation if we just so happened to bump into each other at the coffee shop. I’m not going to draw this out. I get it, he’s a good looking guy and technically, as a department head, you do have some power over him. At least enough to hold his job hostage. I think you know where I’m going with this.”

“Mr. Winchester…”

“Hey, I’m not looking for an explanation. In fact, I’m almost done. I just wanted to make you aware of a few things. My brother is a lawyer. That part is really just a fun fact more than anything, but I thought I’d put it out there. Cas Novak is my husband. He means everything to me and I have a really hard time keeping myself in check when somebody upsets him. Luckily, I’ve been able to do it, but I can’t guarantee that I would be able to if I got that phone call again. So, let’s just make sure that I don’t have to put that to the test, okay?” Dean smirked again and slid out of the booth, reaching for his cup of coffee. He stood up to walk away, but stopped. “Oh, and one more thing,” he grinned as he bent down, his face just inches from Mr. Walker’s. “He’s a good looking guy, I think we established that. But, he’s also incredible in the bedroom. Consider that another fun fact. Have a good day.”

Dean strode out of the coffee shop without looking back, got into the Impala, and pulled out of the parking lot.

\-------------------------

Cas looked up from where his laptop was sitting open on the kitchen table. “Was that the door?”

“Sounded like it to me. I know that this is a new recipe, but you should have enough faith in me to at least wait until after you taste it before you order pizza.”

“Funny Dean,” Cas called over his shoulder as he walked out of the kitchen.

“If it’s the girl scouts make sure to get a few boxes of thin mints,” Dean yelled at his retreating back. “God, I love those things,” he muttered, turning off the oven and pulling the baking pan out, burning his fingers on the edge. “Son of a bitch,” he grunted.

“Dean?”

“Yeah baby?” he called, holding his fingers under cold water..

“Will you come here?”

Dean sighed, throwing the dishtowel over his shoulder and following the sound of Cas’s voice. “What’s up?”

“Door’s for you,” Cas looked at him, raising his eyebrows as he stepped aside.

Dean stopped in his tracks when he saw the two uniformed police officers on the front porch.

\-------------------------

“Yeah, just a big misunderstanding. I apologize for wasting your time, but you have a good night and drive safe.”

Dean closed the door and turned around, Cas was fuming. “You threatened Gordon Walker?”

“No, baby…”

“Okay, do not give me those sorry eyes and call me ‘baby’. The cops were just at our door. Two of them. That’s like ¼ of the entire fucking police force. The facts tell the story, Dean. You weren’t at home when they said this shit happened, I figured you were at Kripke’s or a job site. Gordon Walker doesn’t even know who in the fuck you are, or at least he didn’t. Don’t pretend like you didn’t do anything.”

“Okay, I did talk to him.”

“You talked to him? What, did you go storming into his office? Stand outside of his house?”

“I kind of bumped into him at the coffee shop.”

“Holy shit, Dean! You followed him to the coffee shop?”

“I didn’t exactly follow him, I just know what his car looks like and I saw it in the parking lot.”

“You know what? I don’t even want to deal with this right now. I get it, your protective caveman instincts kicked in. But I’m not a goddamn damsel in distress. I came to you because I was upset and I just needed to see you. I didn’t need you to track him down and have a friendly chat. Fuck, I never should have said anything. And you have no idea how shitty it feels to say that to you.” Cas’s eyes were blazing when they locked on Dean’s. He shook his head slowly and turned towards the stairs.

“Cas…don’t do this. Cas…”

Dean physically cringed when he heard the bedroom door slam. He walked into the kitchen and threw the baking dish into the sink before stepping outside. He moved aimlessly, past the pool, past the guest house, watching as the sun was setting. He and Cas had never had a real argument. They’d made it almost two years with no heated words. Emotionally charged, yes, but Cas had never been angry with him, not like this. 

He finally went back inside and moved around the house quietly, walking silently up the stairs, avoiding the spots that creaked. The bedroom door was shut but he could see the sliver of light under it. He stood and listened, but there was nothing. He wanted to knock, he wanted to talk to Cas, but he’d never actually been here before. He’d never been in love, he’d never had the person he loved most shut him out because he fucked up. He dropped his head and went back downstairs. He couldn’t bring himself to turn on music or the TV. He sat in silence with a glass in his hand, staring out the window. 

He fell asleep on the couch, his empty glass sitting on the hardwood floor.

\-------------------------

Cas stood in the doorway of the den and listened to the soft snore. He understood Dean’s intentions, but Dean didn’t think about the possible repercussions, Dean had told him that he wouldn’t get involved. Cas didn’t want to be in this place, a place where he felt like he had to watch what he said. He didn’t want to hold back when he was at home, worried about how Dean might react. He set Dean’s phone on the coffee table, picking up the glass on his way out. He looked at the baking dish in the sink and sighed, setting the glass on the counter before he went outside and got in his car.

\-------------------------

_“I’m not sure what the protocol is here. You’re pissed, and you have every right to be. I don’t know where you went but will you please call me or come home? Just talk to me? I love you.”_

Dean hit send and put his phone back on the coffee table, dropping his head into his hands. He had a headache, he felt like shit, and he had no idea where Cas was. 

\-------------------------

Dean sat up from where he was laying on the couch when he heard Cas’s car come down the driveway. He was standing in the kitchen doorway when Cas came in through the back door.

“Cas?”

“I really don’t want…”

“Listen, please just listen.” Dean reached out and gently grabbed his arms. “Just hear me out and then be pissed all you want. I fucked up, okay? It was stupid, it was childish, it’s something I would have done five years ago. I’m not that guy anymore, I’m really not. I have never been in love, nobody has ever meant as much to me as you do, and you were right, I went into primitive caveman mode because I didn’t know what else to do to help you.”

“I didn’t ask for your help, Dean. I asked you to just be here. To listen and be here. That’s all I wanted. I am not some whiny bitch who can’t stand up for himself.”

“I know you’re not, Cas. This isn’t about whether or not you can stand up for yourself.”

“Then what is it about?” Cas asked, lifting his head to lock gazes. “Marking your territory? Shit, you might as well have just pissed in a circle around me like dogs do.”

“I was totally out of line, I know that. That guy? God, that’s the guy I never wanted you to see.”

“Oh, kind of like the Dean that I know, but his family isn’t allowed to see?” Cas knew that it was a low blow, but it needed to be said. “I’m not going to tell you that you can’t be both guys. But obviously that part did come with you when you crossed state lines. I get it, old habits die hard. Why in the hell do you think that we spent three months apart? It was because I couldn’t escape the fucking monsters that were living inside of me. I’m not comparing the situations, Dean. They aren’t even close enough to compare. All I’m saying is, we’ve already learned the hard way that you can’t always run from who you were. You can start fresh, but that doesn’t make the other shit just go away. Yeah, I’m fucking pissed right now, but not really at you because I know that it was just your instinct kicking in. I just never expected that I would have cops at my door because you tracked down Gordon Walker and threatened him.”

“I did not threaten him.”

“Then what in the hell did you say to him? You’re not a small guy and you’re intense as hell. Even when you pull that charming shit, it can be intense. I know you as sweet, kind, and gentle, but I’ve also known that it has always been there just under the surface. When you get a certain look in your eyes, you could read a fucking nursery rhyme and it would sound like a threat. All you had to do was walk in there like a cocky son of a bitch and tell him who you were. That’s all it would take.”

“I know that, Cas. I know that it wasn’t some grand romantic gesture. I was being overprotective and maybe I was marking my territory. I know that’s fucked up. But what can I do now? What can I do to make this right with you? I need to fix this, Cas.”

“Just be honest with yourself. You will never completely get rid of ‘Kansas’ Dean, just like I will always be Castiel Novak. I spent three months putting that shit behind me, but it’s still a part of my story and I’ve accepted that. Why do you think I decided to have coffee with Hannah? No matter where I go, or what I do, Hannah is part of my story. They all are. That scared fucked up kid with the welts on his ass and his back, he existed. Just because I learned how to move on does not mean that I still don’t think about him sometimes. He doesn’t dictate who I love or who I share a bed with, but he is still here inside of me. Admit to yourself that a hard drinking, womanizing, angry asshole shares a body with a compassionate, loving, and intelligent man. I know that you give me the best of who you are. You have fought for me harder than you should have, harder than anyone else would have. But this? This was never a fight. He propositioned me, but I share a bed with you. He was never going to get his way. You didn’t need to try to prove a point.”

“I know, baby,” Dean murmured, pulling Cas to him. “You’re right, about everything. I hide, I know that. But not from you, never from you. This...I don’t know what this was, but it’s not me. It’s not who I want to be.” He gently pressed his lips to Cas’s temple.

\-------------------------

“So, you either go back in a couple of weeks and put up with the bullshit, or you quit. I vote on the second option.”

“And do what? There aren’t a whole lot of job listings for professors who specialize in historic architecture. Thanks,” Cas gave Dean a small smile and took the glass from his hand. He watched him prop his feet on the coffee table and reached to squeeze his knee reassuringly. He knew that Dean regretted what he’d done, and there really wasn’t anything to forgive. They’d survived their first fight. 

“Can’t you teach something else? I mean other schools, bigger schools, have architecture programs.”

“The closest school is over an hour away, and I haven’t really looked into any of their programs. I don’t know. This is so fucked up.”

“Okay, maybe this is a stretch, but what about that online thing Jess mentioned. Teaching, designing, something like that?”

Cas took a deep breath and set his drink down, running his hands up his face and dropping his head. “I’ve been thinking about that since we got back from Boston and I...uh...I called Jess a few weeks ago. I’m still licensed in Maine, I’ve kept my Massachusetts license active, and I’ve been looking into what I’d need to do to get licensed in a few other states. New Hampshire, Vermont, Connecticut, maybe eventually New York. Jess said that Sam could help me get an LLC set up. She’s agreed to partner with me if it’s something that I decide to pursue.”

“Okay,” Dean said slowly, turning to look Cas. “And you’ve kept this from me because…”

“Because it’s a shot in the dark. A fucking pipe dream that probably wouldn’t go anywhere and I know that you would be able to convince me that it will.” Cas sighed and stared at the floor, he couldn’t look at Dean. “I want you to partner with me, but to ask you that is like asking you to out yourself. You know, the whole it’s easier to tell people that you’re sleeping with a man than it is to show them who you really are. I’d need you, and I’d need this real version of you.”

“I’m trying to follow you here, Cas, but I feel like I’m missing something. Where exactly would I fit into this picture.”

“As a design consultant.”

“I’m a construction worker, I’m not trained to…”

“Which is where the word consultant comes into play.”

“So basically what you’re saying is you could start your own firm, work from here, Jess could help you, and I would what...just give you my opinion? That keeps me behind the curtain Cas. It’s not like my name would have to be anywhere.”

“I don’t have any examples of my work. None.”

“We’re sitting inside of an example of your work.”

“Right, but it wasn’t all me and we both know that. Your ideas, your designs, they are brilliant and they’d be a hell of a hook. Your craftsmanship is ridiculous; the artistic license, the dollhouse, the liquor cabinet. I can’t pretend like all of the details in here are my work. Credit has to go to somebody. If I post pictures of this house, there will be shit in there that I never designed and I can’t claim that I did. The fireplace in our bedroom alone would be enough to make somebody stop and look through a photo gallery. That’s not my work.”

“Is this something you want? I mean, is something like this your end goal?”

“Yeah,” Cas said quietly, turning his head and looking at Dean. “It is. Cas Novak as an architect doesn’t mean shit. When I add Jessica Winchester as part of my team, that ups my game. A design consultant with experience in renovation construction and woodworking makes me an actual competitor. It’s a dream team, Dean. It covers all of the bases. From blueprints to fucking curtains, we can do it all. We can sub contract with Kripke for anything local.”

“So you need my go ahead, and I’m guessing you’d want a meeting with Kripke.”

“It’s a start. But I’d have to stay at the University for the time being. I need to make money, and there’s absolutely no guarantee that I’d ever land a client.”

“But it’s what you want?”

“It’s so fucking unrealistic, but if I could make it work, it’s what I want.”

“Then I’m in,” Dean said quietly, taking the last swallow of scotch from his glass.

“You’re in?”

“Yeah, it’s your end goal, Cas. Schooling, internships, tests, all of the shit that you have done has been wasted in a classroom. You’re better than that. So you put on a website that I know my shit, big fucking deal. I don’t answer to anybody in Lawrence, Kansas. My life is here and it is with you. I’ve honestly never had an end goal. I’ve always just drifted and somehow it’s worked out.”

“I don’t want you doing this just for me…”

“Remember when you told me not to stand in Sam’s shadow or Jess’s shadow?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe it’s time to stop standing in John Winchester’s shadow.”

\-------------------------

Dean could feel the beads of sweat along his hairline as he knelt between Cas’s legs, rocking slowly to let Cas feel every inch of him. He gripped Cas’s hip, pulling their bodies together while his other hand slid along the length of Cas’s hard cock. He watched the taut skin covered in a fine sheen of sweat writhe against him, chest heaving, fingers clutching at the bedsheets. Cas spread his legs wide and arched his body, Dean smiled slowly when he felt the throbbing in his hand and saw Cas pull his lip between his teeth. He felt the warm, sticky fluid and thrust harder, Cas’s cries and moans pushing him to the edge. His body tensed and he buried himself deep, his fingers digging into Cas’s hips hard enough to leave bruises. He was almost dizzy when he relaxed and let his body sink, feeling Cas’s arms wrap around him. His full lips gently nipped and sucked at the soft skin of Cas’s neck before he pulled himself up on his elbows and looked into those blue eyes. He dipped his head for a slow kiss. “I don’t want you going back there, Cas. I’ll miss grading finals, but it’s your time to walk away.”

“Dean, we need the money.”

“We have the guest house.”

“You want to rent out the guest house? I can’t do that.”

“You already did, you just never cashed the poor sucker’s checks. I’m guessing he still has that money in his bank account. There’s no mortgage on the house. It’s all utilities and household shit.”

“And my student loans.”

“That are almost paid off. I will do whatever it takes to make this work for you.”

“For us.”

“Okay,” Dean smiled, dipping his head for another kiss. “For us. I love you, baby.”

“I love you too, Dean,” Cas whispered, tears slowly sliding from the corners of his eyes.

\-------------------------

“I can’t believe you talked me into this,” Cas laughed.

“I’m not saying to point your phone at the guy, just hold it in your hand. I want to hear you tell them to fuck off,” Dean smiled.

“So you are going to sit in your work truck, facetiming me while I quit my job?”

“That’s the plan.”

Cas looked at his phone, at the creases in the corners of the most amazing green eyes that he’d ever seen, and took a deep breath. “Okay, here we go.”

Dean leaned back against the seat and smiled. He really hoped that Cas would actually use the words ‘fuck off’.

\-------------------------

“Professor Novak, I was a little surprised when you asked to meet with me. I’m assuming this has something to do with the budget cuts? I was hoping that your department head was clear when he explained that…”

“Oh, he was very clear. He was generous enough to privately discuss some alternative options with me. However, after talking to my husband about the situation, I have come to the conclusion that the core values of this University contradict my lifestyle. I don’t think that it is in my best interest to continue my employment at an institution that condemns my private affairs. So, I am here to formally resign, effective immediately. I did bring a letter of resignation if you need it for your files. I have already removed my personal property from my classroom and I will leave my parking pass and keys at the front desk. Oh, and when you see Professor Walker if you would please let him know that I requested that he fuck off, I would greatly appreciate it. Have a good day.”

\-------------------------

“You actually told them to fuck off,” Dean laughed.

“You are willing to take a huge risk with me starting my own business, I figured you deserved the ‘fuck off’,” Cas smiled while he walked across the faculty parking lot for the last time.

“How do you feel?”

“Liberated, scared shitless, and a little nauseated.”

“So what’s our next step?”

“I guess we need to find a lawyer and an interior designer.”

“I think I know where to find one of each,” Dean grinned. “So, celebratory dinner? Do you want to go out?”

“Only if you’ll make out with me in the parking lot.”

“Right now I’d drop to my knees in a parking lot,” Dean winked.

“I may hold you to that some day,” Cas laughed. “But, I say yes to the celebratory dinner as long as it includes copious amounts of alcohol.”

“Whatever you want, baby.”

“Oh, and I’m burning the suit. You do realize that we just killed The Professor?”

“Yeah, but now we have The Architect.”

“I’ll see you when you get home,” Cas smiled.

“I’ll see you when I get home.”

\-------------------------

They talked with Sam and Jess. Dean finally took credit for the dollhouse and nervously showed them pictures of his work; mouldings and design elements. They feigned impressed surprise, but they already knew. There was no struggle to come up with a name, Cas Novak was unusual enough to stand out. Dean joked that people would think that Dean and Jessica Winchester were a nice married couple who were a part of Cas Novak’s team. They designed a website and obtained the LLC for Novak Architecture and Design. Cas started studying the testing regulations for surrounding states and Jess talked him into considering a California license. They all knew that if this worked out, he would have to travel, but it was something that he and Dean talked about. It was something that Dean supported. He left early every day for the reno, setting out a coffee mug for Cas, and came home to find Cas staring at his computer screen. They sat down and formulated a tight budget that would give them a year. Cas had a year to get the business to turn a profit. Sometimes Dean would look at him when he wasn’t paying attention and see a whole new Cas. The day he’d shown up at Sam’s, it was obvious that he’d changed, that a weight had been lifted. Now, he looked free. He smiled more, he laughed more, he was insatiable in the bedroom, and he looked at Dean like the sun rose and set on his schedule. They were more nauseating than they had ever been.

\-------------------------

“Okay, I get why most of these pics are here, and I’m more than happy to go out and reno the guest house when I have time if you need more. But the dollhouse? Really? It’s a hybrid design. What does that have to do with any of this?”

“We are an architecture and design firm. Yes, architecture is our base, but your design and woodworking skills…”

“You want to pimp me out?” Dean smiled.

“I wasn’t planning to word it like that. If you want the dollhouse taken off of the site, I’ll take it off. I just thought that maybe the option of some custom work might be appealing. The more we offer, the better our chances of this going somewhere.”

“So you want me to build dollhouses?”

“No, I don’t want you building dollhouses,” Cas grinned. “I want to showcase your work. If a potential client contacts us and wants something as simple as a balustrade or custom wainscoting, you can do it. This is just as much your business as it is mine, Dean. It’s my name, but our work. Feel free to reno the guest house if you want. You could pretty up the garage too if you feel like it,” Cas laughed.

“You are such an asshole,” Dean turned his head and kissed Cas softly.

“So do you like the website or what?”

Dean looked at the laptop resting on Cas’s thighs, he felt the warm skin of Cas’s back against his chest, and he could smell the body wash that they’d used earlier when he rested his chin on Cas’s shoulder. “I like it. It’s still a little weird. I mean pictures of our house…”

“It is weird to see it dusted,” Cas chuckled. “I have to admit, when I see the fireplace mantle my brain does start to think about the things that happen just a few feet away.”

“Just make sure you don’t mix up the pictures of that with pictures of the house,” Dean laughed, nipping at Cas’s ear. “I’ll admit, I miss grading college finals, but I’m starting to like looking at this. Any more action?”

“We’re getting hits. People are actually looking at this. We’ve had a couple of people leave their contact information this week. I sent them the generic email asking what kind of work they are looking for. I haven’t heard back yet, but it’s only been a few weeks.”

“Local?”

“Until I get licensed in other states, the architecture shit is going to have to be local, or Massachusetts.”

“So, I was thinking that maybe when my reno is done we could go to Kansas.” Dean felt Cas’s body tense against his. “It has to happen eventually, Cas.”

“How much longer do you think you have on the reno?” Cas asked quietly.

“A couple of weeks, maybe less.”

“Okay, then I have a couple of weeks to prepare myself for John Winchester.”

“There’s no way to prepare. My old man is like a band aid, you need to just rip it off and get it over with.”

“Well that’s comforting,” Cas scowled.

\-------------------------

Cas still had his lesson plans saved on his computer. Sometimes he looked at them and felt a combination of fear and nostalgia. He tried not to let Dean see the questions in his eyes, the questions that bordered on anxiety. Sitting at home, knowing that they were living off of Dean’s income while he played with design programs on a computer didn’t always feel right. He redesigned the bedroom in the guest house and they spent a weekend renovating it, making love in the bed where they had spent their first night together. Cas knew that although it made sense financially, they could never rent it out. There were too many memories, falling in love and falling apart. It was all there. 

\-------------------------

The Folk Victorian renovation was finally complete and the plane tickets had been paid for. Cas was nervous when he packed, anxious when they drove to the airport, and terrified on the plane. It took everything that he had not to fall apart when they touched down in Kansas City.

\-------------------------

“You can take the ring off, Cas.”

Cas looked at Dean, “why would I take it off?”

“You’ve been playing with it since we left Chicago. I get it, you’re nervous. Hell, I’d be nervous too. If you want the rings off, we can take them off. We’re planning to get married. I want to tell them and I want to do it at dinner in a very public place. But if you’re not okay with it...”

“Do you really think that your dad will be that upset?”

“Honestly? I have no clue. He knows we’re together, he knows that we live together, I don’t know why this would bother him. I’m nervous too. Hell, you’re probably going to hear things about me that I’m not proud of. Now, we’re going to turn this corner and you will see a woman every bit as beautiful as Jess come flying at me, so be prepared.” Dean leaned over and kissed Cas softly before they turned to walk down the hallway towards his waiting parents.

\-------------------------

“Dean!” came the sweet call and Cas watched Dean being pulled into the arms of his mother. He was chewing on his lip, part of him trying to understand an affectionate and loving mother. “I’m so happy you’re here, surprised that you decided to come, but happy.” She was holding Dean at arm’s length, just looking at him. He was blushing but grinning. 

“I couldn’t stay away from your home cooking. I do most of the cooking and although I’ve mastered the art of spaghetti, I still can’t bring myself to try a meatloaf,” he chuckled.

Cas was trying to look small, stand behind Dean, but being almost the same height and weight didn’t make it easy.

“Cas!” He looked up, pale and timid when she opened her arms. He took a deep breath and let himself be drawn into a hug. She was sweet and smelled of apples. He could feel her warmth and he began to relax. She let go and held him at arm’s length. “Wow, you do have the prettiest blue eyes that I have ever seen.”

“Thank you,” he smiled, ducking his head.

“Hey Cas, if you want to know what I’m going to look like in roughly 25 years, this is it,” Dean grinned at him and winked. Cas held out his hand and lifted his head to look at the man while they shared a firm handshake.

“John Winchester. You’ve probably heard a million stories about me, but to set the record straight, only about 80% of them are true.” His smile seemed genuine when he looked at Cas.

“Cas...uh...Novak. Actually most of the stories start out or end with ‘and I’m just like my old man’,” he tried to smile weakly.

“I’m not sure if I should be offended or flattered,” John laughed, letting go of Cas’s hand. “But let’s get your bags and get you boys fed.”

Dean leaned over and whispered, “you survived the airport greeting, now you just have to get through dinner.”

“Which is worse?”

“Dinner.”

\-------------------------

“Okay mom, I know that your super spidey senses are tingling by now, so I will drop the bombshell,” Dean smiled holding up his left hand. Cas was trying not to shake when he picked up his water glass and stared at the menu. “I uh, I made an honest man of Cas. Well, we plan to eventually.”

Cas looked up and watched the Winchester’s reaction. Mary didn’t try to hide her shock, and John leaned back in his chair with his arms across his chest.

“And you haven’t said anything?”

“He’s private, Mary,” John said, his face neutral as he leaned forward. “He’s not the type to advertise shit. Then again, I didn’t think that he was the type to get married.”

“I asked him,” Dean looked at his father evenly.

“You must have caught him in a moment a weakness like I did with your mother,” John finally smiled. “So, we have another Winchester.”

“Not exactly, he isn’t going to change his name.”

“That might be a smart move, especially around these parts.” John looked at Cas, “Welcome to the brood. It’s going to take me a minute to wrap my head around it, but mostly because I can’t imagine anybody patient enough to put up with this kid.”

“I drink a lot,” Cas quipped again without even thinking, and instantly regretted it.

John dropped his head and laughed, “Now that, my boy, makes sense,” he smiled at Cas. “What does everybody want to eat? I’m guessing that these two are tired and that Cas can’t wait to see the little slice of heaven that is Lawrence, Kansas.”

“Well, I know that I could use a drink and Cas probably could use at least one. And mom, the 20 questions don’t start until we get back to the house,” Dean grinned.

They all noticed that it was the first time he had ever referred to it as the house and not home.

\-------------------------

Mary gave him a tour, the same tour that Dean had facetimed him almost two years ago. She would reach out and squeeze his arm when she got excited. Pictures of the brothers when they were young, a few sports trophies and medals that Dean had won in high school. Dean had already taken their bags to the guest room without hesitation and found the bed made up with fresh sheets. He smiled when he dropped them on the floor and went in search of his mother and Cas. “Mom, not my bedroom.”

“I’m guessing there isn’t a damn thing in there that would surprise him,” John called from the living room. Dean rolled his eyes and followed the sound of his father’s voice. “But make sure you show him your coffee maker. That thing has become her crown jewel.”

Cas chuckled at the monstrosity sitting on the kitchen counter. “I’m actually going to take credit for this. I introduced Dean to the beauty of brewing one cup at a time. I’m a big fan of convenience.”

“Well then thank you,” Mary smiled, hugging him again. “I am so happy to meet you like this,” she said quietly. “Dean has changed, in so many ways. He’s happy and he’s calm. Somebody finally took the time to see him for the sweet and caring man that he really is. I took that risk with John, and I’ll never regret it. He’s hard headed and stubborn, but he would give me the moon if he could. I see that in Dean.”

Cas chuckled, holding back the overwhelming tears, “Dean has given me more than I ever thought I deserved. You did a hell of a job raising him.”

“I did my best. And don’t let John intimidate you. If you understand Dean, then you understand John. Let’s go get you a drink,” she smiled. Cas nodded nervously and followed her into the living room where he was met by Dean holding out a glass. He took a spot on on the couch and tried to relax.

“Okay, I think there were a few things over dinner that qualified as questions, so you only have like 16 left,” Dean smiled at his mother.

“So, you are a college professor?”

“Uh, no. I actually left the University a couple of months ago. There were some things that me, the Art History department head, and administration couldn’t agree on. I’m working on starting my own business. Well, Jess and I actually. It was her idea and she’s planning to partner with me.” Cas purposely left Dean’s name out of it. He would talk about it when he was ready, it wasn’t Cas’s job to do it.

“Your own business?”

“Yes, Architecture and Design. It’s an online business. We’ve brought Kripke in as our contractor for any local jobs and we’re just trying to get some advertising out there.”

“Kripke?” John asked. “So he knows…”

“He saw dollar signs when we pitched the design company. He’s worked with Cas before, and he really doesn’t seem to give a shit. Life is different up there, dad. More accepting in some ways, but more judgmental in others.”

“So is this one of those ‘I had to move across the country to find myself’ type stories?” John smiled.

“I guess it is,” Dean laughed. “It wouldn’t make for a very interesting made for TV movie, well parts of it might, but for the most part it is extremely boring.”

“Hey,” Cas said quietly, looking at Dean.

“I’m talking about the day to day shit, you have to admit that we are pretty boring. Salting the driveway, getting annoyed looks when I leave wet towels on the bathroom floor, not being able to stay awake during movies, it isn’t exactly the definition of exciting.”

“True,” Cas shrugged.

“So, can I ask about this, I don’t know, engagement thing?” Mary said quietly.

“Well,” Dean took a deep breath. “He hates the part about showing up at Sam’s,” Dean reached for Cas’s hand, “but we went to the beach, we talked, and I asked him to marry me.”

“Wait, you proposed and didn’t say anything? Not even when we talked?” Mary looked disappointed.

“This kid has never been the type to make proclamations when it comes to his personal life. There’s no reason to get your feelings hurt.”

“Sam didn’t know until we saw him in Boston, and Jess had to ask.”

“Wait, Sam and Jess know?”

“It wasn’t their job to tell you, mom. It was mine and I wanted to do it face to face. I asked him and I didn’t get an answer. Well, not until my birthday when he gave me the rings. We decided to take them for a test drive. Dad was right. He sees through my bullshit. Our life together means everything to me. I need him to have something that will remind of that every single day. I need him to wear that ring. And that’s about as sentimental as I’m going to get,” Dean smiled at Cas, wanting to kiss him but knowing that it would make him even more uncomfortable.

“So you quit your job to start a business with Jess, and somehow my son talked you into marrying him. Anything else we should know?” John asked.

Cas looked at Dean nervously, then John, and back to Dean. “Nope, I’m basically still the same asshole that I’ve always been. But I am an exhausted asshole so can we pick this up tomorrow?” Dean finally said.

“Of course. Get some sleep and I’ll make breakfast in the morning.”

Cas finished his drink, hugged Mary when she took the empty glass from his hand, gave John another firm handshake, and repeated ‘it was nice to finally meet you’ before following Dean down the hall and flopping on the bed as soon as the door was shut.

\-------------------------

“So, how painful was that?”

“Worse than stubbing my toe, but better than a trip to the dentist’s office.”

“I’ll take that as a win,” Dean smiled, bending down to finally give Cas that kiss. He parted his lips and deepened it, their tongues sliding together as Cas reached for him. Cas finally pulled away.

“I really don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Making out behind closed doors?”

“It’s your parents house, Dean.”

“Yeah, and…”

“Let’s just change and go to bed, I desperately need sleep.”

\-------------------------

“Dean…” 

“What?”

“You know what.” He could feel Dean’s body pressed against his back, his cock already starting to grow hard.

“C’mon baby, I’ve never had sex in my parent’s house,” Dean whispered, running his lips across the back of Cas’s neck. His hand was sliding across Cas’s stomach and up his chest, his fingertips grazing his nipples as he tried to push off the t-shirt that Cas had just put on. 

“Never?”

“Nope. Always cars or somewhere equally classy until I got my own place.”

“This just seems…”

“Pretend it’s a motel room,” Dean murmured, pulling Cas’s shirt over his head, nipping and sucking on his shoulders. He heard the gasp when he reached down and cupped him through his pajama pants, squeezing gently. “I’m not going to try to get you to do anything that you don’t want to do, baby,” he said quietly, nipping at Cas’s ear.

“Apparently your hands and lips didn’t get that message.”

Dean smiled and rolled over, reaching into his bag, rifling around until he found what he wanted and curled his body around Cas’s. 

“You know that we are kind of loud.”

“So think of it as a practice in self control,” Dean subtly pressed his hips against Cas, letting him feel his need.

“What if we make a mess?”

Dean handed Cas a towel.

“You seriously brought a towel, and I’m guessing lube?”

“Always be prepared,” he said quietly, moving his hand under Cas’s waistband, running it along his stomach, the back of it grazing the silky skin of Cas’s shaft. Cas wordlessly slid his pajama pants off and felt Dean moving behind him to get out of his own. Dean pulled their bodies together, reaching between them to run his dry fingers across Cas’s hole, feeling a quiet moan build in Cas’s chest. Cas heard the click of the bottle opening and lifted his leg, resting it against Dean’s hips. He quietly moved against Dean’s fingers, holding back gasps and groans, burying his face in the pillow when he felt Dean enter him from behind. Dean wrapped his hand around Cas’s shaft, slowly stroking, rocking his hips. He felt the sharp intake of breath when Cas shifted and Dean’s cock found the spot inside of him. They were sliding their bodies together almost silently, it was fluid and easy. Dean’s thrust were slow, his hand slower as pressed his lips to the back of Cas’s neck. “God, you feel amazing,” he whispered. Cas laid the towel on the sheets next to him and reached for Dean’s hand, guiding it as it moved up and down. “Touch yourself,” Dean said quietly, letting go to wrap his hand around Cas’s hip, pulling their bodies together. He was going to come, he could feel it building. “Come on baby,” he said hotly in Cas’s ear as he started to thrust harder and finally buried himself, pressing his lips to Cas’s shoulder to keep from crying out. Cas was panting and he tensed, trembling and biting his lip when the warm sticky fluid covered his hand and stomach, dripping onto the towel. He was shaking, still touching himself while Dean continued to rock gently. He finally pulled out and rolled on his back, trying to control his breathing. Cas wiped off his hand and stomach and rolled over to rest his head on Dean’s chest. “Oh my god,” Dean panted. “That was so fucking hot. You are always amazing, but damn baby.”

“Too bad all we have is this towel,” Cas said quietly. “I’d love a shower.”

“Unfortunately that is one thing we can’t get away with unless we’re here alone. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t go over well.”

“I still can’t believe that you are in your 30’s and you’ve never had sex in your parents house.”

“I have now,” Dean grinned in the dark, pressing his lips to the top of Cas’s head. Cas turned to look up at him, and they finally shared a long and lingering kiss.

“So we’ve never really talked about it, but what is your number?”

“Rough estimate? Triple digits,” Dean chuckled. 

“Triple digits? Seriously? You slut,” Cas laughed quietly.

“What about you?”

“Not triple digits, mid double digits maybe.”

“See, you’re a slut too.”

“What about after you moved?”

“To Maine? Just one. Same person for a couple of years now.” Dean kissed the top of Cas’s head again. 

“Really? You didn’t hit the bars when you got there?”

“No, I wasn’t really interested. Then we met and shit got all confusing between my brain and my cock. Neither one could decide what was going on or what it wanted. Took a little while to get that situation worked out.”

“When did you know that you wanted to sleep with me?”

“Probably the night I slept with you. At least that’s when my brain and cock finally agreed with one another.”

“You’d never thought about it?”

“Why are we talking about this?” Dean laughed.

“I’m just curious.”

“Okay, so I thought it was kind of hot when I saw you go to the pool for the first time, but the whole brain/cock thing miscommunicated on that one. And the day you helped me move, another disagreement between the two. The night we slept together they were finally on the same page. What about you?”

“Uh, well your ass in those jeans interested me a little more than I expected.”

“So the first time we slept together?”

“Brain checked out at first and cock took control. When the brain showed up again, it just went along for the ride. But, the brain didn’t know what in the hell to do after the fact.”

“It figured it out pretty quickly because as I recall, the second time we slept together you kissed me and rubbed my dick through my pants,” Dean laughed.

“The brain came around. It just took a little time.”

“Well, thank you brain. Now, I guess we should put our clothes back on.”

“So weird to not shower after and even more weird to sleep with clothes on.”

“Welcome to Lawrence, Kansas baby.”

\-------------------------

Cas woke up with a full bladder and disoriented. He heard the soft snoring and watched Dean sleep for a minute while he got his bearings. He quietly got out of bed and tried to remember which door led to the bathroom. He finally found it and silently slipped inside. He could smell the coffee and thought about going back to bed, but was drawn to the kitchen. He knew that it was late enough in the morning that John had probably left for work and Mary seemed to have taken a liking to him. He was shocked when he got to the kitchen doorway and saw John at the table reading the newspaper. “You said that you’ve got one of these damn machines at home. The mugs are in the cabinet above it. There’s cream and sugar over there. You’re welcome to sit if you want. I can only imagine what Dean has told you. I did what I could to put some fear into those boys as they were growing up, especially him. He was hard headed and mouthy so I did my best to keep him in line. Didn’t always work out so well,” John chuckled. 

“Actually, he’s not always that hard headed,” Cas said quietly, reaching for a mug. This man would someday be his father in law. It wouldn’t be right to just turn tail and run.

“Still mouthy?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Temper?” John asked over the sound of coffee brewing.

“Still there, but under control. There was...uh...a situation. Let’s just say that I ended up with cops on my doorstep, but nobody got hurt.”

“I can only assume that it had something to do with you. That boy is loyal and protective.”

Cas sat slowly across from John and watched him fold the newspaper and set it down. “I was kind of backed into a corner at work and Dean wasn’t too happy about it.”

“Which I’m guessing is a nice way of saying that somebody either picked a fight with you or tried to get a little too close. You look like the kind of guy who can handle a fight.” Cas felt heat running up his cheeks and he dropped his eyes, looking into the mug on the table. “I can see Dean getting pissed off about something like that. What I can’t see is him backing down. He’s a different kid. He’s a lot calmer. I noticed it when he came here for Christmas a couple of years ago. His mother insisted it was because of a girl.” Cas knew that his cheeks were red and he couldn’t lift his eyes. “I never thought that this day would come, and I’m not talking about the fact that you’re a man, I mean at all. Dean doesn’t get attached. I can’t remember him ever actually having a girlfriend. I always figured he was out there doing his thing. I didn’t know which side of the field he was playing. I honestly never thought about it.”

“I’m his first…”

“I kind of figured that. I didn’t think there was a woman alive who could deal with him.”

“Jess said the same thing,” Cas finally looked up.

“She’s a wise girl, that Jessica. You know, I see the way that she looks at Sam. I’ve watched them over the years and she has brought him down a few notches. He is a smart kid, but Jess has taught him that there is more to life than just getting good grades in college or having that diploma in his study. He still has to get up every day and go to work. He still has to prove himself and stay on top of his game. Then he comes home and takes care of his family. It’s been good for him because Sam’s never really struggled. Certain things have come easy for him. Now Dean, he’s a whole different story. He’s always been a cocky, angry son of a bitch. Too arrogant for his own good and too eager to fight to prove his point. He gets that from his old man. When I met Mary, I realized that the whole cocky and angry thing wasn’t what she was looking for. I fell in love with that woman the first time I laid eyes on her, and I knew that I could trust her enough to show her that I don’t always have to fight. I saw that my arrogance somehow told the people around me that I thought I was better than them. I will never understand what that woman sees in me, but she has seen it for 40 years and I am grateful every day when I wake up and she smiles at me. I’ve had time to think about the fact that my son is with a man and I’ve realized the only thing that makes it any different than my other son being with a woman is the parts of their relationship that are none of my business. The parts that I honestly don’t want to know about. The regular shit, life, there’s no difference. Somebody cooks, somebody takes the garbage out, you argue over what to watch on TV or where to go to dinner. You get pissed when somebody makes advances on the person that you love more than anything. You listen to them bitch about work. At the end of the day, it’s all the same. He lays his head on his pillow at night knowing that he’s done everything that he can to protect you, even if you didn’t really need protecting. Maybe this old man is getting soft and a little too sentimental, but I understand what I see in his eyes because it’s the same thing that somebody saw in mine when I was his age. You and I, we don’t really know each other yet, but we have a couple of things in common. We both love that kid and we both want what’s best for him. I think that maybe he’s found it. Just don’t let him win all of the arguments, bring him down a notch or two when he needs it.” John swallowed the rest of his coffee and stood up to put his mug in the sink. “I’ve got to get going. I guess I’ll see you when I get home.” He squeezed Cas’s shoulder before throwing on his coat and walking out the door. Cas just sat in stunned silence, trying to wrap his head around the conversation. He finished his coffee and turned when he heard a noise behind him. It was Dean, yawning and stretching. 

“Hey baby, why did you sneak out of bed so early?”

“Nature called, and then I smelled coffee. My brain is wired to follow the scent so I ended up in here.”

“Mind if I sit with you?” Dean grinned, pulling a mug out of the cabinet.

“Not at all,” Cas finally smiled. “I love you, Dean.”

“That came out of nowhere, but I like it. I love you too, baby.”

\-------------------------

Dean would never tell Cas that he’d been standing in the hallway for at least 10 minutes before he came in the kitchen. He heard John’s voice, he knew that Cas was in there, and he knew that a conversation between the two of them was inevitable. He just waited and listened. It was Cas’s moment to rip off the band aid and he needed to have faith in his father. He had to wipe the corners of his eyes before he pretended to yawn and stretch. He knew that Cas would never tell him that he’d talked to John, and he’d never ask.

\-------------------------

“Okay, driving around this town in my mom’s car is a little strange. I’m too used to the Impala. On the upside, nobody will see us coming,” Dean smiled.

“Where are we going?”

“Memory lane. Okay, so that park is where I got arrested for drunk and disorderly. I was 17 I think. I tried to fight the cops, they won. My parents refused to come pick me up, I guessing the old man put his foot down, so I spent the weekend in jail. That is the high school that I barely graduated from. A few streets over is the bar that used to let me in with a fake ID.”

“And this was all ‘Kansas Dean’?”

“Oh, we’ve barely scratched the surface, baby. I want to take you to meet an old friend.”

\-------------------------

“Winchester!” The man stood up and came around the desk to give Dean a bear hug. “What are you doing here?”

“Just in town to visit the folks. Cas, this is the other Kripke.”

“Other Kripke? Seriously?”

“Hey, if Sam had to go through life as ‘Dean Winchester’s little brother’ you can deal with being the other Kripke. He’s already met your brother. So anyway, this is Cas.”

“Ah, the Novak house.”

“Okay, you’ve heard about the Novak house?”

“Dude, you work for my brother. That was the first big job he scored and the way he tells it, a life changing experience for you,” Kripke smiled.

“Who knew that you two assholes were such gossips,” Dean laughed. 

“Well, it’s nice to meet you Cas. I’m sorry that you had to deal with my brother, he’s a much bigger asshole than I am.”

Cas shook his hand and smiled shyly. He was out of his element, but he was trying.

“You know, I still can’t forgive that guy for luring you away from here. Apparently you took this renovation thing and made it your bitch. He said that you’re killin’ it.”

“It’s a lot different, but I love it. Plus, he got smart and made me a foreman,” Dean grinned.

“My loss is his gain. You know if you ever move back…”

“Not gonna happen. We have a side business that we’re starting up.”

“Oh yeah, he told me about that. So, you’re an architect?”

“Uh, yeah. Out of practice but licensed,” Cas said quietly.

“Hey, my brother said that there is money to be made in renovation up there if you know what you’re doing. If you decide to bring the operation to the midwest, I’m more than happy to throw my name on it.”

“Yeah, we’ll keep that in mind. Well, I’m taking him on the Dean Winchester’s greatest hits tour, so we’re going to head out. But, maybe we can catch up over a beer before we head home.”

“Dean Winchester’s greatest hits? You’ll have him packing his bags before you finish the tour.”

“I hope not,” Dean smiled. “Anyway, it was good to see you. It’s nice to know that you and your brother talk about me behind my back. Take it easy.”

They got back in the car and looked at each other. “If he knows, then my entire group of so-called friends know.”

“And…”

“I really don’t give a shit,” Dean shrugged, starting the engine.

\-------------------------

They were in the living room with an after dinner drink. As much as Cas was starting to enjoy himself, he couldn’t wait to get home. They only had a couple of more days. He liked the Winchesters. Mary was sweet, John was accepting, and Dean would not stop when the bedroom door closed behind them. He dragged Cas into the shower when Mary left for the store. Cas got a couple of surprise blow jobs when they had a few minutes alone. Dean seemed determined to make up for all of the years that he’d never had sex in his parents house, but Cas wasn’t complaining. 

“I know it’s probably rude to stare at my computer, but I just need to check my website and my email.”

“Do what you gotta do, kid. Work is work.”

“Uh, Dean?’

“Yeah?”

“We’ve got a consultation request. A late 19th century Gothic Revival Cottage just outside of Farmington. It’s smaller, but the architecture itself would be similar to our main floor; sitting room, dining room, knocking a few walls out to make space between small rooms. Historically accurate, possibly including interior design. They sent pictures. Look at the exterior. The trim and scrolling ornamentation. It’s not in great condition and could be restored if we can sell the idea. You could do this woodwork with no problem. I mean it would be a pain in the ass because if we could get the contract, you would need to be inside with Kripke’s guys and the other shit would have to be on your off time. But, this would be a decent sized contract and you know how competitive the bidding is these days. An hour drive, a walk through, and a bid.” Dean could feel Cas’s body shaking and he leaned against him to look at the computer resting on his legs.

“A lot of that exterior work could be done with electric tools and a sander, so it wouldn’t be that labor intensive. It looks like they also have some masonry. That’s not something that I’d even attempt, but ever since we went to Copley Square I’ve thought about trying it. This would at least give me a chance to get a solid structural look at it.”

“So what do you think?”

“Shit, make an appointment. Tell them that the architect and design consultant will come look at it when we get back. Maybe we can upsell and low ball for the exterior trim. It would be a hell of an example for the photo gallery. A Gothic Revival Cottage reno would be an amazing before and after.”

“I don’t even know what to say in the email.”

“Like I said, just make an appointment. We’ll go out there together and take a look. I can do a quick inspection and look for any possible code issues. We can probably get them a solid bid within 48 hours. Then we can pitch Jess’s work.”

“Okay, here goes nothing,” Cas sighed, beginning to type.

Dean looked up and realized that his parents were looking at them like they were speaking a foreign language. 

\-------------------------

Dean stood up and went to the guest room to grab his laptop. He brought it out into the living room and pulled up the website. “So, this is Novak Architecture and Design. Jess is technically an independent contractor. We would give the clients her information and show them examples of her work if they were interested in interior design. It’s not just Cas’s business, it’s ours. I’ve been doing hands on renovation for a couple of years, I’ve taught myself a little about woodworking, and I have studied up on historic design elements. This photo gallery, the detailed woodwork is almost all mine.” Dean handed his mom his computer and waited for his father to slide over to look at it together.

“You did this?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Claire’s dollhouse?”

“By hand. The fireplace mantle is in our master bedroom. That is the bedroom in the guest house that we just renovated basically to have more pictures for the photo gallery. Most of the details in the mouldings right there are some artistic license that I took while we were renovating his house.”

“Our house,” Cas called, out of habit, from across the room.

“Okay, our house,” Dean chuckled. “I’ve uh...I’ve read a lot of books about history and architecture, even before I met Cas. It sounds really stupid now to sit here and say all of this like I’ve been hiding some horrific secret. Historic architecture, the Revolutionary War, American History. All things that I’ve studied for years. I could probably replicate, or at least come close to, the design of any home. Mostly pre World War 2. Architecture took kind of a cookie cutter turn during the baby boom, ramblers and ranch styles. I took a seminar from Cas and apparently I know my shit.”

“He got an A-” Cas called, distractedly.

“Cas is architecture, I’m design. He does the bare bones, and I pretty it up.”

“So this is you? You did this?”

Dean looked up at John and met his eyes. “Yeah, it’s all me. We spend our weekends visiting historic sites. We went to Boston a few days early so that I could get all of my inner nerd shit, as Cas calls it, out of my system. I didn’t want Sam and Jess to see it because it doesn’t make sense. I’m a construction worker. I drink, I fight, I go to bars. That’s Dean Winchester. But the guy that Cas knows, he’s a construction worker who drinks, watches documentaries, reads, designs houses on his computer for fun, and geeks out over history. Apparently I’m not as shallow as I thought and it took spending time with him for me to see it.”

“Don’t give me all of the credit,” Cas said, still typing his email. “I just called you out on it.”

“I’m starting to see an old married couple thing here,” John chuckled.

“Yeah, well he hasn’t called me an asshole yet.”

“Give it time,” Cas called out, with a smile.

“So when you said something about moving across the country and finding myself, it was pretty spot on. Nobody there knew me, well nobody other than Kripke and I only talk to him at work. I didn’t have ‘Kansas Dean’ hanging over my head. I didn’t need to go out and drink, or fight, or sleep around. Nobody knew that side of me and I was sick of that side of me. If I pulled the ‘nerd’ card while I was living here, nobody would believe it. So, I guess in a way I reinvented myself.”

“I honestly don’t know what to say.”

“Sorry mom, but I’m really not a shallow asshole,” Dean smiled.

“I’ll vouch for the shallow part, but the rest....” Cas grinned, closing his laptop.

“Definitely seeing the old married couple thing,” John laughed.

“I’ve spent the last two Christmases biting my tongue because you guys talk about shit that we talk about, but I knew if I butted in with an opinion or a comment, it would be awkward. It wouldn’t make sense to any of you.”

“Then you underestimate us, Dean,” Mary said quietly. “Do you really think that your job or your lifestyle when you lived here makes you less successful than your brother? Sam wanted to be a lawyer. He had to go to college to get a degree and pass the bar exam. That was Sam’s decision and his path. You chose construction. Obviously you made the right decision because look at this work. You took what you knew, and you took what you love, and you are turning it into something.”

“So when I said that he saw through your bullshit…”

“Yeah, that’s where the story starts. The day we met I was there to do a walk through for his renovation and I slipped up and told him that I knew what style his house was. Like he said, he called me out. He’s been calling me out for two years.”

John turned his head and gave Cas a slight nod and a smile.

“So,” John sighed, “one of my sons is a lawyer and the other is a business owner.”

“Technically Cas owns the business.”

“But you said it yourself, he’s bare bones and you pretty it up. I hope that doesn’t offend you,” Mary turned to Cas.

“Not at all. I don’t have the eye for detail that he has. He’s better at this than I am, and his only formal education is a seminar that I taught. He’s talented, ridiculously talented. He’s more well read than I am. I grew up just outside of Boston but he was telling me historic facts about the area that I never knew. As good as that ‘construction worker with a beer in his hand’ uniform looks on him, the guy in jeans and a t-shirt who lays on the couch and reads a book is a hell of a lot better looking. That’s the guy that I get to see every day.”

“Okay, so to clarify, one of my sons is a lawyer and the other is a…”

“Renovation design specialist,” Cas smiled.

Dean turned and looked at him, taking in the smug look on his face. “Is that even a thing?”

“It is now.”

\-------------------------

“Renovation design specialist?”

“Do you really want to talk about that now?” Cas mumbled, kissing and nipping at the sensitive skin along Dean’s stomach and hips, his hand slowly beginning to stroke his cock. He slid his tongue across the head and lifted his eyes to look at Dean. “Uh no...we can talk later,” Dean softly moaned when Cas took the head in his mouth and gently sucked. Dean’s mind went blank with the slippery warmth, Cas’s head moving up and down, his tongue sliding around the length of his shaft. He loved when Cas softly squeezed his balls and moaned around him. He started rocking his hips. “Oh god baby, I’m going to…” Cas dipped his head and took Dean’s cock down his throat swallowing the warm sticky fluid. He pulled his pajama pants back up and crawled up the bed, kissing Dean softly before resting his head on his shoulder.

“Do you feel better?”

“Because of the blow job? Of course I feel better,” Dean panted.

“I meant because you talked to your parents and they reacted exactly how I thought they would.”

“Between that and the blow job…”

“And the new title that I bestowed upon you?” Cas grinned.

“I don’t know that I qualify…”

“I made it up, of course you qualify. Now, we leave in a couple of days and we have to figure out how in the hell to get through this consultation. I’m so glad you stocked our liquor cabinet.”

“I love you,” Dean chuckled, pressing his lips to Cas’s forehead.

“Because of the blow job?” Cas grinned.

“You are such an asshole.”

“And you are such a sweet talker,” Cas chuckled. “I love you too.”

\-------------------------

Dean pulled the rental car up the driveway and got out, checking his watch before he ran into the house. Cas was in the bedroom, looking at the new suit that was hanging in the closet.

“Hey baby,” Dean walked up and wrapped his arms around him from behind. “Whatcha thinking?”

“Well, this is easily the most expensive suit I’ve owned, we have to be in Farmington in a few hours, this a a huge step.”

“Well, we had to take our first step eventually, right? I got the rental car. I think you were right with that one. Showing up in the Impala or your car may not put off the right first impression. You look incredible in that suit which means I’m going to need to be very careful not to rip anything when I take it off your body the minute we get home. But, I still want to know why you have the expensive suit but I’m in jeans, a button down, and a blazer.”

“Your ass.”

“My ass? Uh, we’re meeting with a married couple.”

“Yes, but wives have a big say in this type of thing, and your ass is incredible. Plus, part of your background is construction. The jeans hint at ‘blue collar’ which promotes that side of the business. The one stop shop idea.”

“Let’s get in the shower, get dressed, and get this done.”

\-------------------------

Dean was impressed by Cas’s professionalism, his firm handshake and confident voice. He introduced Dean as the Renovation Design Specialist with a background in construction and woodworking. Cas did most of the talking, Dean took pictures and measurements. They sat with the older couple at a dining room table and Cas used a design program to show them their options. Dean mentioned the exterior details while Cas showed them examples of his woodwork and restoration. The advised the couple that the construction company they worked with specialized in renovation and they contracted with an interior designer who had experience in historic design. They were all smiles and handshakes as they walked Cas and Dean to the door, Cas promising that he would have a formal bid to them within 48 hours. They drove to the end of the street and turned the corner before Dean pulled over and put the car in park.

\-------------------------

“Okay, where in the fuck did that come from?”

“What?” Cas was wide eyed and his heart was pounding.

“The knowledge and professionalism of the professor but the charm of the guy who sweet talks every clerk or waitress he’s ever come across. That was unreal, Cas. I knew you could do this, but you tore it up. I’d hire you on the spot.”

“Seriously? I barely remember a word I said, I was scared shitless.”

“You played it off. You are definitely the brain behind this. I’m just the guy who makes pretty things out of wood. I know that we need to run the numbers, but I say we low ball just to get the contract. This would be a hell of a first project. If we don’t turn much of a profit, oh fucking well. Our name and our work will be out there.”

“Let’s just drop this off, pick up the Impala, get home and out of these clothes.”

“We should probably eat at some point.”

“Okay, that too.” Cas smiled. “There isn’t a chance in hell that I would have been able to do this without you. Even if we don’t get the contract, I wouldn’t have gotten this far. I love you so much, Dean.”

“I love you too, baby,” Dean leaned over and kissed Cas. “You could have done it without me. I’m just glad that I was here to see it. You blow my mind.”

\-------------------------

They dropped off the rental and Cas gave Dean a puzzled look when he pulled up at the coffee shop. He put it in park and turned to Cas. “I know that this is petty, but I hope like hell that place is full of students and faculty. I want to walk in there holding my sexy, successful, and confident fiance’s hand and give them the ultimate fuck you. God, I wish you could see yourself. I have never been more proud of you. So, let me show off how well I’m going to marry,” Dean grinned, leaning over for a kiss before getting out of the car. He waited for Cas and intertwined their fingers.

\-------------------------

“Recognize anyone?”

“Yep, and they are staring at us,” Cas smiled.

“Faculty or students?”

“Both, but mostly students.”

They ordered their drinks, Dean’s hand gripping Cas’s tightly. They found a table in the middle of the small room where they could be seen by everyone and sat across from one another, their hands still clasped together. Dean could only smile at the excitement and happiness in his favorite pair of blue eyes. He’d wanted to give Cas the world, but now he was a part of Cas creating his own. The Novak’s, the University, Cas was finally free. He’d watched his old man hug Cas at the airport, he’d looked into John’s eyes when he smiled and said that he was proud of them both.

“Holy shit.”

“What?”

“Uh, promise me that you won’t do anything.”

“He’s here?”

“Yeah, and we’ve been spotted. Dean...please don’t” Cas watched Dean slide off of the tall stool. “Dean…” He felt the hand on the side of his face and Dean’s full lips against his. He deepened the kiss for a moment and pulled away, pressing their foreheads together. “You are such an asshole,” he laughed. 

“I hope he saw every second of that. And this,” Dean kissed him again softly. “Now him and all of the other assholes in here know how fucking sexy you are, how much I love you, and that you’re probably going to go home and have crazy sex. I need to eat something and then I plan to get you out of that suit. Ready?”

“Aren’t I always?”

\-------------------------

Kripke kept Dean busy with walk throughs and small jobs while Cas emailed potential clients and waited. They’d submitted a bid, a low ball that would only give them a few thousand dollars profit. Cas played with the design software they’d invested in, he studied what he needed to get licensed in other states, and he started to get anxious. His phone was on the table and he was cooking when the call came in.

\-------------------------

“Will you check that,” he asked Dean over his shoulder. Dean set the corkscrew down and picked up Cas’s phone.

“Farmington….”

“Uh, answer it. I’m too…” 

“Yeah, it’s okay baby,” Dean smiled, seeing the anxiety in Cas’s eyes. “Novak Architecture and Design, this is Dean...Yes, hello Mr. Singer, it is nice to hear from you...I can have Mr. Novak call you back or I can take a message...Okay...Yes...I will let him know...I appreciate you calling. Have a good evening.” Dean set the phone back on the table and picked up the corkscrew. “You know, a first bid, a first attempt there was no guarantee that it was going to go our way.” He looked up at Cas, “but fuck guarantees because they are ready to sign on the dotted line. He would like a call back from Mr. Novak tomorrow to set up a meeting. You fucking did it.”

“Wait, they took the bid?”

“They took the bid, including the exterior. When I gave Kripke an estimate of the supplies and labor we’d be looking at with just the interior, we looked to profit about $3,000. The exterior probably adds at least $500 more. We’re not rolling in the dough, but you still fucking did it.”

“Wait, holy shit, there’s no way...I mean…” Cas looked at Dean with an almost confused look.

“There is a way,” Dean laughed, wrapping his arms around Cas. “You own a business that in a couple of months will have turned a profit. Plus, since the LLC is in your name, Kripke will pay me foreman’s wages.”

“But you’re listed as a consultant, isn’t that a conflict of interest?”

“How is it a conflict of interest? It’s your company, if anything I’ll push my guys to do a better job. He gets pics for his sample book and you get pics for the website. Everybody wins here, baby.”

“I can’t fucking believe it,” Cas said quietly, pulling Dean close. “I’m a professional architect.” 

“Who is going to eat dinner, call everyone we can think of with the good news, and then have some seriously crazy sex with the man who loves him more than anything.”

“I still can’t fucking believe it.”

\-------------------------

“Weren’t we going to call my family?” Dean murmured as he watched his t-shirt land on the floor. 

“We will, this won’t take long,” Cas fumbled with Dean’s belt and got his pants pushed down his legs. He reached in and turned on the water before stripping off his own clothes and pulling Dean into the shower. They kissed passionately, their hips already grinding against one another. Cas moved behind Dean and reached around, stroking him slowly. Dean knew what Cas wanted, he leaned forward, his hands against the tile, and waited to feel Cas press against him, to enter him slowly. He cringed at the pain of the first thrust, but felt the almost electric pleasure when Cas’s slick cock slid against the spot inside of him. He pushed himself back, their bodies coming together almost violently. Cas’s fingers were digging into his shoulder as he stroked with his other hand. Dean knew that Cas was close. “C’mon baby…” he moaned. He heard the cry and felt Cas’s last hard thrust, reaching to help Cas finish him with a few fast strokes. Cas kissed Dean between the shoulder blades before he pulled out and Dean stood up. “Wow...that was uh...more intense than I thought it would be. I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be sorry, baby,” Dean smiled, cupping Cas’s face and kissing him under the warm spray of water. “We don’t always have to make love by firelight. You can bend me over and fuck me in the shower.” 

“You’re going to be sore.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time. But, at least the clean up is easy.” He pulled Cas to him and buried his face, softly kissing his neck. “Let’s finish this shower and make some calls.”

\-------------------------

“Hey Sammy,” Dean smiled. “Where’s that gorgeous wife of yours?”

“Wow, it’s nice to hear from you too, Dean. I’ve been good. Work is going well…”

“Shut up, we have some news.”

“You didn’t knock Cas up did you?” Sam tried to look concerned.

“Safety first, Sammy. Plus, he doesn’t have those child bearing hips. Will you go grab Jess?”

They watched Sam walk out of his study and heard him calling for Jess. He finally sat back down. “She’s getting Claire out of the tub and ready for bed so she’ll be a minute. I do want to tell you how much I appreciate you actually being dressed this time.”

“Hey, you called us that day. Like I said, if you have a problem with man nipples…”

“Enough,” Cas laughed. “You two…”

“So, I talked to mom. She told me that your visit went well, but I know that even if you and dad had a knock down drag out, she wouldn’t tell me. How was it?”

“The trip in general? Or dad?”

“Uh, mostly dad.”

“Well, I think after we went shoe shopping and had a heart to heart over lunch at that little bistro just off of main street...”

“You are such an asshole,” Sam laughed.

“No, dad was uh...well he was dad, but it was good,” Dean smiled, thinking back to the conversation that he’d overheard between John and Cas. “I confessed to my nerdy ways and I was accused of underestimating my family.”

“Ah, a guilt trip from mom.”

“Yeah, I haven’t gone on a good guilt trip with her for awhile. At least she had new material. The whole deal about me moving across the country was becoming pointless.”

“Been there. Do you remember when I told her that I was staying in California after I graduated? Oh, hey sweetie…”

“I seriously hope that you are talking to Jess right now.”

“Yes, Dean, he is,” Jess laughed, finally coming into view. “I’m glad you called, I miss your handsome faces…”

“See Sammy….”

“I need to stop using that word,” Jess smiled. “But it is nice to see you. I heard that you had a good visit with your parents.”

“Yeah, after Cas beat dad in an arm wrestling match everything went smoothly.”

“This is why people end up intimidated by your father,” Cas interjected. “He never once challenged me to an arm wrestling match, just the beer chugging contest, which your mom blew us all out of the water on that one.”

“Good god, you have found somebody who is exactly like you,” Sam laughed.

“Right? He’s good looking, smart, funny, charming. We’re like the same person sometimes.”

“Okay, you called with news which does not involve one of you being pregnant, so what’s up?”

“Have you ever heard of a little business called Novak Architecture and Design?”

“Wait, did you?” Jess’s eyes grew wide.

Dean looked at Cas and nodded almost imperceptibly. “We have a client,” Cas smiled. “We’re renovating more than half of their main level. It’s a hell of a first contract.”

“Oh my god,” Jess whispered. “I am so excited. I told you, Cas. I told you that you could do this.”

“I didn’t…”

“Don’t listen to his bullshit. You should have seen him doing that consult. Blew my fucking mind.”

“Congratulations,” Sam grinned. “I’m really impressed, and admittedly proud of my brother right now.”

“Where’s the herbal tea when a guy needs it?” Dean chuckled.

\-------------------------

They met with their clients. Cas as an architect, Dean as the project foreman. Kripke gave Dean free reign to pick his crew and they started the job. It was difficult, the clients were still living in the home and semi retired. Dean made them aware that in order to get the job done in a timely manner, his crew would be there for up to ten hours a day. He worked on the exterior woodwork in the evenings and on the weekends in the guest house. Cas showed up every few days to check on the progress, always parking around the corner, and always letting Dean walk him to the car for a kiss. He received more expressions of interest on the website, and always responded the same way. 

\-------------------------

“You know that the job will be finished this week. Then I’ll just bring in the cleaning crew and the photographer. Kripke said he’d split the cost of the photographer and we’ll each get a copy of the prints. You get any more contracts and I think Kripke might end up working for you. He’s loving that his foreman is also the ‘design specialist’ and that I’m sleeping with the architect. Makes his life a hell of a lot easier,” Dean smiled, pressing his lips to the top of Cas’s head. “How are you feeling about your first successful job?”

“Still reminding myself on a daily basis that it’s real. I really couldn’t have done any of this without you, Dean. Fuck, I don’t know where I’d be without you. The shit with Gabe and Naomi, that would have broken me. You gave me a reason to face it. The shit at the University, I would have probably sucked it up and let them treat me like shit. You gave me an out. I didn’t think that I could do this. You believed that I could. Today we booked plane tickets to go visit your family for Christmas. I didn’t think that I’d ever have anyone to visit over Christmas.”

“Well, you’ve got a whole family expecting you.”

“That is still so hard to wrap my head around.”

“Well, you’d better wrap your head around it because you’re going to be surrounded by Winchesters soon, and it will be overwhelming.”

\-------------------------

Cas and Dean drove to Farmington and met with the Singer’s for the last time. The renovation was even more beautiful than they had expected and were especially thrilled with the exterior design work. The photographer took pictures while Cas and Dean hand delivered an early Christmas card, a personal touch that Jess had suggested. 

They got home and started to pack. They were leaving in the morning for a quick trip to the shore. That’s where Cas listened to Dean’s self realizations. That’s where they put the pieces of the puzzle together. That’s where the fog, the impenetrable stone, and the water’s fury brought them peace.

\------------------------

“I wish we’d been able to come here in the summer.”

“What? You don’t like freezing your ass off?” Dean grinned, reaching for Cas’s arms that were wrapped around him, holding them close. “I don’t know, maybe not being able to come here until now is a good sign. We got busy, we had shit to do. It’s coming together for you, Cas, and I am so fucking proud of you. You’ve got two more bids in for interiors. By the time the season starts, Novak Architecture and Design will actually have it’s feet on the ground. Who knows,” he sighed, leaning his body back, “maybe by this time next year I won’t be on Kripke’s payroll anymore.”

“I don’t want to get ahead of ourselves. We need to be realistic.”

“I am being realistic, baby. Think about the last time we were here. It wasn’t even a year ago and we were hitting the reset button. I remember pulling up at the motel thinking that we only had a few days to make up for lost time, but then I realized that there was nothing to make up for. I needed to learn how to step away and not always try to fix things for you. As much as it fucking sucked, it’s something that I had to do. You needed to learn that Cas Novak has the right to just be who he is. You needed to learn how to stand alone.”

“So have you.” Cas said softly, his chin on Dean’s shoulder.

“You’re right, I have. Sam’s shadow has been there my whole life. Then he married Jess who is as close to perfect as a woman can be, other than my mom. It was just more light in the world of Winchesters and it made it so easy to be off to the side, to let people look at me with no expectations. Then you came along, blew my fucking mind. I mean, I definitely strayed out of my lane with you, and I’m not talking about the guy thing. I saw it in Sam’s eyes, I even saw it in my parent’s eyes, and I don’t blame them. On paper we don’t make sense. We’re from two different worlds, cut from two different molds. You haven’t pushed me out of my comfort zone, Cas, you’ve pushed me out into the fucking world. It’s like one of those dreams when you show up at school naked and everyone is laughing at you. That’s how I felt. But when we left Kansas and my old man looked me in the eye and said that he was proud, the shadows were fucking gone. I spent so much time feeling like you believed in me because you love me, that it was part of the package. But then Kripke and the Singer’s, they took my shit seriously and that feeling…” Dean trailed off.

“I know,” Cas said quietly. “I’ve never really been an architect, Dean. I have a diploma and couple of licenses, but that’s just paper. I’ve spent years feeling like a fraud when I told people that I am, because other than my own house, I have never sat down and done original work for anyone. I was starting to think that maybe I wouldn’t even know how. I wouldn’t have if you hadn’t been there to fill in the blank spaces. I’m so out of the loop, and you spend 60 hours a week surrounded by it. It wouldn’t have worked without you there. When decided to make that first call to Jess I asked myself if we could do this, could we work together. I mean, yeah, we are nauseating, but we get on each other’s nerves and we disagree and we’re both so fucking stubborn, especially you.”

“Hey…”

“You can’t deny it, it’s what’s gotten you through life. I just wondered what would happen if we looked at a plan, at a bunch of pictures, and couldn’t see the same end result. I mean, you did things in our house that I didn’t draw up or expect, but you improved upon it. When I drew up the plans for the Singer house, we saw the same thing. I don’t know that it’ll happen with every job, we’ll butt heads, but in the end it will somehow work out and it will make sense.”

“Do you realize that you basically just described our entire relationship?” Dean smiled.

“I guess I did,” Cas chuckled. “But I’m not giving you another three months off.”

“No vacation time needed. I’m exactly where I never expected to be, where I never thought that I deserved to be, but I can’t imagine being anywhere else.”

“Even though you’re freezing your balls off?”

“Even though I’m freezing my balls off,” Dean smiled.

\-------------------------

Dean bent down and softly kissed the back of Cas’s neck before picking his mug up off of the counter and starting his coffee brewing. “This place is drafty as hell, the radiators make it bearable at best, but it felt like a fucking sauna when we got home last night. Don’t get me wrong, I love the shore, but holy shit.”

Cas just smiled and picked up his cup of coffee, not moving his eyes away from the computer screen.

“Work before breakfast? You are dedicated.”

Cas shut his laptop and leaned back in his chair with a sigh. “Those Singer pics have definitely drawn interest. We have consultation requests, more than one.”

“And the frustrated sigh was because…”

“It’s almost all restorative detail work.”

“I’m still not seeing a reason for a frustrated sigh. Do you want breakfast?”

“Yeah, sure,” Cas said distractedly. “Restorative detail is your thing.”

“Yeah, so?”

“Well, if we get the contracts, you’ll be overworked and I’ll be worthless.”

“Cas, you’re not worthless. You have that whole charisma thing going on, that’s how we’re going to get contracts. How do you want your eggs?”

“Over medium,” Cas ran his hands down his face. “I don’t want to be a salesman, Dean. I want to be a business owner who is part of the process.”

“So what do you have going on today?”

“Well, I was going to start out with absolutely nothing and then possibly take a nap before I move on to not a damn thing.”

“Okay,” Dean smiled, cracking eggs into a hot pan. “Then after we’re done with this breakfast masterpiece, we’re going out to the guest house.”

“What?”

“Guest house? You know, that small building across the yard? We’ve both lived there…”

“Yeah, I got that part.”

“Well, we’re going to take whatever scrap I can find and you’re going to renovate the living room.”

“What?”

“The living room,” Dean turned and looked at Cas. “Hand carved mouldings, cornices, maybe even some furniture. You’re going to build it. Some of it can be done with electric tools and sanders, some of it takes chisels, block planes, and hand sanding. You’re going to learn it. It’ll double our manpower. When I get small interiors for Kripke, you can be out in the guest house making a dusty mess. We can take more contracts, and it will probably be really hot to watch you work with your hands.”

“Are you going to be a micro managing pain in the ass?”

“You know it,” Dean grinned. “Now let’s eat, you’ve got work to do.”

\-------------------------

Cas stood under the warm stream of water, softly moaning as Dean dug his fingers into his shoulders and neck, working out the knots. “Do you really get this sore when you do this shit?”

“You eventually get used to it, but yeah. If your arms and back don’t hurt after eight solid hours of working with hand tools, you’re not doing it right.”

“I will never look at the mantle in the bedroom the same. I can’t believe you restored that in three days.”

“I had my crew doing some basic shit and I had the time. I didn’t do it from scratch like the shit you’re doing, I already had something to work with.”

“There’s no way I could pull off something like that.”

“Well, if we get a contract then you can do the rough cut and I’ll finish the details. Now you just need to learn how to match fabrics and colors and you can cut both Jess and I out of the business entirely,” Dean smiled.

\-------------------------

Dean could see that Cas was dispirited when they lost the next bid. He bought beer, ordered a pizza, and made Cas lay on the floor with him and listen to his Black Sabbath records. He eventually saw a smile. Rejection was to be expected, but they’d given themselves a year. If they were turning a solid profit by the time the next school year began, then Cas could consider himself a successful business owner. 

\-------------------------

Cas wasn’t as nervous when the plane touched down in Kansas City. Mary hugged him, and John smiled when they shook hands. Cas was still intimidated by John, but he knew that he probably always would be. He couldn’t help but catch Mary’s eye and smile when John and Dean got into friendly heated discussions. They were so much alike in so many ways, and both were too stubborn to ever admit that the other might be right. Cas could picture Dean as a cocky kid going to blows with his father. 

Dean was just as insatiable as he had been that summer and even convinced Cas to sneak into his childhood bedroom after his parents fell asleep.

\-------------------------

“Shouldn’t we be trying to sleep? We’re leaving for your brother’s in the morning and I thought we were going to take turns driving.”

“Will you stop being the voice of reason and get naked?” Dean grinned.

Cas dropped his pajamas on the floor and climbed under the blanket onto the small bed. They had to lay on their sides, facing each other in order for them to both fit. They kissed and touched, their bodies pressed together in the cramped space. Dean rolled Cas on his back and settled between his legs, reaching for the small bottle that he’d set on the nightstand. He teased Cas, finding the spot inside of him and rubbing it gently with his finger until Cas was gripping the sheets, almost ready to come. He buried his cock slowly, watching Cas’s face, the mix of pain and pleasure. He ran his fingers down Cas’s silky shaft, sliding his palm across the head. Cas was hungry and Dean was playful, knowing that this may be the only time he’d ever have sex in this bed. It was languid and easy as their bodies rocked, Dean bending down to press their chests together, trapping Cas’s hard cock between them. Cas was whimpering, holding back moans and cries as the intensity inside of him was building and the friction of Dean’s stomach against his sensitive skin became too much. He arched his body, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth, biting hard enough to almost draw blood. He tilted his hips and met Dean with every thrust, sliding his hands down his back, squeezing his ass, begging him to come. He spread his legs wider when he felt the final hard thrust and heard Dean groan, burying his face against Cas’s neck “You better not have been looking at the bikini girl,” Dean panted. “What bikini girl?” Cas laughed quietly. “Exactly…” They kissed, a slow, long, and lingering kiss before Dean pulled out and climbed off the bed. He cleaned them off with the towel he’d brought and they snuck back into the guest room, trying not to laugh when they heard the bathroom door close minutes after they’d crawled in bed.

“I seriously feel like a teenager who just got away with something,” Cas chuckled quietly.

“Why? Because you had sex in a twin bed while looking at a picture of a chick in a bikini?” Dean grinned.

“Well there’s that,” Cas smiled, kissing Dean softly. “But I never got away with anything as a teenager. Shit, 20 years later and it’s like a backwards bucket list. Your room looks exactly like the room that I wanted, but she never let me put up posters or have anything out that wasn’t church or family related. Your posters, pictures of you and your friends, your collection of model cars, old concert tickets, it’s all the shit that I wish I’d had.”

“Baby…”

“No Dean, I’m not doing the depressed dwelling on the past thing. It was actually amazing because it’s something I should have been able to do, but didn’t. Now I have and it’s just another moment of Cas Novak doing whatever in the hell he wants.”

“Even if it is 20 years later?”

“Yeah,” Cas moved his body close and rested his head on Dean’s chest, listening to his heart beating. “I love you.”

“I love you too, baby. You ready to head to Cali in a few hours?”

“Yeah. Maybe I’ll even make it through the archway and into the family room this time.”

\-------------------------

Cas didn’t even pause before walking into the family room. He didn’t need to remember what had brought him there last year, he needed to experience everything that had brought him there now. Claire knew him as Uncle Dean’s friend that she talked to on the computer sometimes, and she wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him. Jess handed him coffee and he took a spot on the couch next to Dean. They all watched while Claire tore the paper off of the large box that had arrived days before. They all looked at Dean when they saw the handmade antique looking toybox that matched her dollhouse, her name intricately carved on the top.

“Don’t look at me, I just helped rough cut the materials,” Dean smiled.

“Cas? You built this?” Jess turned to look at him.

“Yeah, he took the Dean Winchester seminar on historic craftsmanship. He did a pretty good job. I gave him a solid B+.”

“B+? I totally aced it. I mean check out the final project.”

“But you called your teacher an asshole at least a dozen times. I had to dock you points,” Dean grinned.

“You probably deserved it each and every time,” John laughed. “Now let’s have a look at this toybox. Pretty soon I’m going to have you boys building us new furniture.”

“If you go on our website you can schedule a consultation…”

“Shut up, Dean.”

“This is really amazing, Cas.”

“Thanks Sam. I’m going to be honest, it was a pain in the ass. I don’t know how Dean did something as detailed as that dollhouse.”

“But I like this just as much as I like my dollhouse,” Claire smiled. 

“That’s good, princess. You should,” Dean held his arms out for a hug. “Cas worked really hard on it.”

“Thank you Cas,” Claire said, crossing the room to wrap her arms around his neck.

“Okay, let’s eat,” Mary called from the kitchen.

Cas got to experience his first crazy, loud, chaotic, warm, and hysterically funny Winchester Christmas dinner. He reached for Dean’s hand under the table and squeezed it. He leaned over and whispered, “thank you for this.”

“We’re not done yet. You may want to retract that thank you, “Dean grinned, kissing him softly on the temple.

\-------------------------

“I am so full I feel like I’m going to explode,” Cas groaned.

“It’s like this every year. My mom goes into holiday mode and cooks for six. Jess goes into holiday mode and cooks for six. And as disgusting men with no self control, we inevitably eat entirely too much but still go for dessert when it’s offered. We’ll call it a family tradition.”

“I can live with that,” Cas smiled. He was relaxed and content. They all just sat and talked, about anything and everything. Dean had opinions, he had ideas and criticisms, he wasn’t afraid to say anything. He wasn’t afraid to intertwine their fingers and pull Cas’s hand to his lips or rest his hand on Cas’s knee. Cas was overwhelmed and could feel the tears. He wasn’t going to cry in this house again, but for the first time in his life he could look around a room at happy people who loved each other and genuinely cared about him. He finally knew how it felt to be part of a normal family.

\-------------------------

“I saw the pictures of the Singer house on the website. It is absolutely beautiful. Mrs. Singer called me about possibly helping her with the formal sitting room. It would be remote and very basic, but you guys still get a cut of what she pays me. Apparently the three of us are officially in business together.”

“That’s great, Jess,” Dean smiled.

“I’m not charging her much, and I’ll do what I can to get her a discount, but it’s that one stop shop idea. It looks like it might actually work. You, Cas Novak, are going to do amazing things. Have you been working on your licensure?”

“I’ve got applications for Vermont, New Hampshire, and Connecticut right now. I’m hoping that I can get all of the paperwork and whatever testing or verification they need in the next few months.”

“So you’d have to travel?” Sam asked, looking at Dean.

“Well, if all goes according to plan, we’d have to travel. I’d go part time with Kripke and focus on the business. If we get local contracts, Kripke is our contractor and he’s more than happy to work with me on this right now. He made money off of the Singer house too.”

“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure the most memorable renovation will be that damn Novak house,” Cas smiled.

“Still my favorite labor of love.”

\-------------------------

Cas threw himself back on the bed and moaned. “A week and a half of non stop sex, food, and family. I have no idea why it was so exhausting, but I’m fucking beat and happy to be home.”

“But you enjoyed yourself?”

“I loved it,” Cas struggled to pull himself up on his elbows, watching Dean sort through his bag. “It was just...I don’t know. I’ve never been in a place like that mentally. I look at you and your dad and I can almost picture the fights. I can see your poor mom trying to step in until she realizes that you’re both to goddamn stubborn and she just walks away. I can picture you tormenting Sam, but I can also picture him being an asshole in his own way. Jess and Claire, I don’t know, I look at them and I just smile.”

“Of course you do. That little blonde declared that you are her new best friend because you thought to put her name on that toybox. I wired her fucking dollhouse and built furniture, but she’s more impressed by her name. Eight year olds can be so fickle,” Dean laughed. “But, I’m pretty sure they all love you. Hell, the old man talked your ear off.”

“Yeah, in some strange way I think he actually gets this, us.” Cas thought back to that first conversation the morning in Kansas. “I can see where you wondered what he’d think. He is intimidating as hell, but deep down he just wants to see you and Sam happy. He wants you to make something of yourselves, and you have. I think that he feel like he did something right, especially with you. I’m sorry, but he definitely favors you.”

“That may be true, but it’s mostly because he never understood Sam when we were kids. Sam wanted to read instead of work on the car. He took classes in the summer so that he could graduate early. Did you know that Sam has never been arrested? Not even once?” Dean grinned.

“Neither have I.”

“So we’ll have to try that drop to the knees in a parking lot thing and see if they get us for lewdness,” Dean flopped down on the bed next to Cas and reached for his hand. “Do we have consultations next week?”

“Yep, we have two. One isn’t too far away but the other one is…”

“Wait, I know this one. A few towns over?” Dean laughed.

“Of course it is. I love you, asshole.”

“Always with the sweet talk, baby. I love you too. I say that we take a quick shower and crawl into bed. I’m exhausted and I may not even try to get you to fool around.”

“Yeah, we’ll see if that happens,” Cas smiled wryly, sitting up. “Lead the way.”

\-------------------------

Dean got home from a walk through and found Cas out in the guest house. At this point it had been turned into a workshop/office. Cas had even bought a new coffee maker to keep out there. He was on the phone when Dean walked in.

“That sounds good Mr. Lefitte. We can meet sometime next week at your convenience. I appreciate the call.”

Cas turned and smiled, “We got the Lefitte contract.”

“The Queen Anne that’s three hours away?”

“Yeah, but it’s almost an entire interior renovation that needs some exterior work. And it’s a Queen Anne. Don’t get me wrong, I love our Colonial Revival, but I think about Queen Anne’s and I think about the MacAvoy and your model and I get overly sentimental.”

“Nah, baby, that’s not overly sentimental,” Dean said quietly, pulling Cas into his arms. “Even the little shit like that is part of our story. You met my inner nerd that day and the two of you seemed to get along,” he smiled. “This is a great contract, and a good money maker. We didn’t even low ball him. We went with the current market rate. You’ll get to hone your detail skills, I’m guessing Kripke won’t have a problem with the long commute. Hell, he may put his guys up in a cheap motel if the money is good enough. I’ll tell him that I’ll be onsite a few days a week and available by phone or facetime for any questions or if all hell breaks loose. This Lefitte guy said that he’s recently divorced and I know he has a lot of expendable cash. He’s probably going to want it to look like a different house entirely, a fresh start. I’ll try to upsell the hell out of him and we’ll pull Jess into this one. This may be the big job. The one that puts Novak on the map and makes us a real competitor.”

“Do you ever miss The Professor?”

“Not at all. I’ve grown pretty fond of this Architect guy. He’s confident, almost cocky sometimes. He’s mouthy as hell and strong willed. I don’t see guilt in his eyes, and I don’t feel so goddamn needy. Now,” he said, pulling Cas closer and pressing his full lips against his neck. “I am going to go to that beautiful Colonial Revival out there and I am going to start making dinner. I am putting you in charge of the wine since you so graciously re-stocked the cellar. Meet me in the kitchen.”

“Sexy, amazing taste in music, smart, incredibly skilled hands,” Cas grinned. “Cooks, and was patient enough to teach me woodworking skills. That damn near qualifies you as perfect.”

“If you’re willing to look past the wet towels on the bathroom floor and my miserable attempts at trying to stay awake during movies.” Dean kissed Cas lightly and let go. “Kitchen, 20ish minutes.”

“Oh, and bossy. I forgot that part.”

“Give me a couple of hours and I’ll show you bossy.”

\-------------------------

Dean was able upsell and the contract was going to turn a solid profit. They ran into problems, but Dean always showed up to smooth things over. Cas went out twice a week to check on the progress and speak to the client. Kripke put some of his best guys up in a motel during the week so that they could work a full ten hour day. Cas spent his time at home working on restoration and fine detailing. Some days Dean would find him in the guest house, frustrated because he wasn’t making the progress he wanted, so they would sit together and go over the design plans. Sometimes Dean would find him running a bloody finger or hand under cold water from a saw blade or a sharp chisel that had slipped. They spent weekends taking time to breathe, going to the coffee shop, dinner in Belleville, lunch at the deli, and making love by firelight. Cas loved the nights when he slid the pillows under his hips and Dean would kneel between his legs, sitting up so that he could make out the way the shadows danced across Dean’s toned body. He would touch himself and revel in Dean’s moans and sharp intake of breath as he watched. Cas knew in those moments, that he had the most beautiful lover, the most passionate lover, a lover who would do anything for him. In those moments he belonged to Dean fully, in every way. 

\-------------------------

“Benny Lefitte called me today.”

“Okay,” Dean said, sitting across from Cas at the table. “We only have a couple of weeks left. Those cornices you did are incredible.”

“Well, apparently his brother knows a guy who works for a newspaper in Portland. He’s so happy with his reno so far, he asked my permission to send out a photographer and reporter for a little blurb about renovating historic homes vs. tearing them down to build something modern.”

“Wait, a newspaper article in Portland?”

“Yeah, hidden somewhere in the lifestyle section, but still in print.”

“So free advertising?”

“Basically.”

Dean stood up and moved behind Cas, bending down to wrap his arms around his chest. He pressed his lips to the top of his head. “When was the last time I told you how fucking proud I am of you?”

“It’s us, Dean. You need to accept that,” Cas smiled. “But, when this reno is over I need to go down to Boston and renew my license. I know that all of our work so far has been local, but I want to maintain as many licenses as I can. How would you feel about a few days off to finish checking out those Revolutionary War strongholds that we never got to?”

“Boston sounds amazing. Hell, we’ve been on this project for so long we could use a little vacation.”

“And Boston in the spring…”

“God, I want to leave now. It’s always the last couple of weeks that are the hardest. Doing a lot of our own restoration has helped us cut back on hiring artisans, but I’ll still have to deal with a few. They’ll probably come in next week and then I can bring in a cleaning crew.”

“So tentatively plan for Boston the week after?”

“If all goes according to plan, I can have a bag packed in ten minutes. I think that tonight qualifies as a burger and beer night.”

“I couldn’t agree more.’

Dean pressed his lips to Cas’s neck. “Let’s go jump in the shower,” he said quietly.

\-------------------------

“Hey, we’re going to need a professional pic of you...Our client knows a guy who wants to write a little blurb about renovating these historic homes and we have a reporter meeting us at the reno with a photographer...I know you’re an independent contractor but your name is on the website. Plus, it never hurts to have a picture of a beautiful woman associated with the company...Just send it when you can. I really want to push the full design aspect of the business. From bare bones to fully decorated rooms….I don’t know if I’ve thanked you, Jess. You planted the seed and he ran with it. There was a lot of bullshit going on at the University and your idea gave him an out...No, I don’t deserve that much credit...Okay well tell the tall nerd and the beautiful princess that I said hello and some type of lovey dovey shit...We’ll talk to you later.”

Dean hung up the phone and turned when he heard Cas come in the room. “That was Jess, she’ll send us a pic as soon as she can. The pain in the ass paint guys should be finished tomorrow, I’ll wait a day or two to make sure it looks the way I want it and then bring in a cleaning crew. All of the heavy lifting is over. When we turn a profit on this we are buying you a new car. Something boring and professional, that hunk of junk out there has got to go.”

“Will we have the money?”

“Yes, we will have the money. So, just some annoying details left and the job is done.”

“What about the newspaper write up?”

“End of next week, you’re doing the talking and wearing that suit. God, I love that fucking suit,” Dean winked

“Why am I doing the talking?” Cas chewed his lip nervously. “My social skill are a bit lacking.”

“Then go into The Architect mode and do your thing. I need to record you doing that shit sometime. You blow my mind.”

Cas laughed at the childlike joy on Dean’s face, the glimmer in his beautiful green eyes. He’d finally found his own end goal.

\-------------------------

Dean finally gave in and bought a suit for himself. Cas finally saw the allure of seeing your lover wearing one. This time it was Dean who had to remind Cas that they needed to be at Benny Lefitte’s house, but promised to let him pick up where he left off when they got home.

They drove with fingers intertwined, their hands resting on the seat between them, both nervous. 

“We can do this,” Dean whispered as he rang the doorbell. They were greeted by the big friendly homeowner who pulled them into the house with firm handshakes and introduced him to a young reporter and even younger photographer. Cas put on his Architect smile, Dean gave them all a charming grin, and they walked around the home answering questions.

\-------------------------

“After I graduated from Boston College I came up here to care for a sick aunt, and there weren’t many opportunities. I went with the idea that those who can’t do, teach. After a casual comment from a family member, I decided that it was time to move forward and create my own opportunities specializing in renovation. So, with Dean’s help, Novak Architecture and Design became a reality….”

Dean couldn’t stop looking at Cas. He was sure of himself, and he was beautiful. The sound of his deep voice, the wit and the laughter, it all made Dean smile. He knew that if anyone in the room were paying attention, they would see it all. That day three years ago when a frustrated and egotistical construction worker slammed the door of his work truck to meet with a frazzled and nerdy professor. Two men who didn’t believe in themselves. Two men who hid from the world. Two men who were determined to be lifelong bachelors. He answered the few questions that were asked of him and put up with being photographed. He nodded and passed around handshakes, muttering “Boston bound,” under his breath.

\------------------------- 

“Oh how you spoil me,” Dean smiled, sitting propped against the headboard. “A room in Copley Square, good bottle of scotch. Now if you would just come over here.”

Cas climbed on the bed and straddled Dean, leaning forward for a soft kiss. “We hit it out of the park. That Lefitte job was the one, I can feel it. We didn’t low ball, he was so easy to work with, and even though it’s just a little blurb somewhere in the middle of a newspaper, our name is out there in print.”

“You worked hard on this one, Cas. Not just the design, but the heavy lifting. Do you see it now? How fucking good you are? Maybe you got a little off track for a few years, but you are doing what you were meant to do.” Dean slid his hands under the back of Cas’s shirt and pushed it over his head, dropping it on the floor. “Speaking of doing what you were meant to do,” he murmured from where his lips were trailing across Cas’s neck. “I think that you are wearing entirely too many clothes right now.”

“Success turns you on?” Cas smiled.

“You have no fucking idea.”

\-------------------------

Cas watched Dean’s chest rise and fall as he leaned back and slid his fingers inside, stretching himself, rocking against his own hand. “Oh god baby,” Dean moaned. “I don’t know which is better, sitting here watching you, or feeling you ride my cock.” Cas got up on his knees and reached for Dean’s shoulder, lowering himself slowly. “Okay, now I know,” Dean whispered, pressing their lips together, parting them for a deep kiss that left them breathless. “It has never been like this for me, the things I feel,” Dean panted when Cas started moving. Cas shivered and his breath caught when Dean’s palm gently ran up the length of his shaft. It was sensual and easy, their bodies rocking together, their gazes locked. Dean pressed his hand against Cas’s back, his fingers splayed while he stroked, lightly squeezing as his hand moved to the rhythm of Cas’s body. Dean pulled Cas to him, kissing him passionately, their tongues sliding together slowly. Their skin glistened with sweat, moans and murmurs building in their chests. Cas arched, his eyes rolling back, his chest heaving as he cried out, leaning back so that Dean could watch him come. Dean was throbbing, thrusting, gripping Cas’s shoulders. He pulled their bodies together, coming hard with a loud groan. He trailed his fingers softly down Cas’s back, touching his lips to the warm skin of his neck. Their chests were pressed together, hearts pounding when Cas ran his hands up Dean’s sides and felt the strong arms wrap around him. They kissed languidly and gently, looking into each other’s eyes. “God, I love you,” Dean murmured. “You’re perfect, Cas. Everything about you.” Cas sighed and closed his eyes, resting his head on Dean’s shoulder. “I’m far from perfect, but I’ll let you believe that for as long as I can. I love you too, Dean.”

\-------------------------

Dean stood at the window, a towel wrapped loosely around his hips.

“Whatcha thinking?” Cas asked quietly, moving up behind him.

“It’s crazy out there, all of the old mixed with the new. Lawrence isn’t exactly a booming metropolis. Our town has what? Maybe 4,000 people, including the University. I know that I could never live in a city this size, it’s not who I am, but experiencing it...I don’t know....”

“No, I get it. I could never live in the city again. I love our life the way it is, but there is an energy here. It’s the polar opposite of the shore, and you need both.” He pressed his lips to the back of Dean’s neck. “Room service should be here any time now, I’m going to throw on a robe. 

“Okay baby,” Dean mumbled, rooted in place, staring out at the city lights.

\-------------------------

“Why did I let you pack my bag?” Dean asked, rifling through his clothes.

“Because you insisted that the car needed an oil change. It’s not like it’s complicated. Jeans, t-shirts, boxers, that’s kind of your uniform.”

“Okay, true.”

“Seriously, Dean, I am dying for coffee. Just throw on your Black Sabbath t-shirt and let’s go. It’s already in your hand.”

Dean smiled and pulled the shirt over his head. He sat down to tie his boots and grabbed his jacket, winking at Cas as he stood there impatiently. “God, you are fucking grumpy before coffee.”

“Do not tell me that I’m cute when I’m grumpy.”

“But you are,” Dean chuckled. “Okay, let’s go get you some damn coffee.”

\-------------------------

“I could walk around this place for days. I really want to try my hand at stone masonry. I was thinking that we should build a wall along one side of the pool. If it looks like shit, I’ll tear it down.”

“And then rebuild it?” Cas laughed.

“Probably,” Dean smiled.

Cas reached for Dean’s hand and intertwined their fingers, taking a sip from the warm cup in his other hand. “You didn’t really see the fountain when we were here before. It’s a great water feature. C’mon, let’s check it out.”

They were crossing the grass slowly when Dean felt Cas tug on his hand. He stopped and turned around, almost dropping his coffee cup. “What in the fuck?” he laughed.

\-------------------------

He dropped his head, shaking it and rubbing his forehead while tears slid slowly down his cheeks. He knew. “Cas,” he finally said quietly, “How did you...I mean...what…”

“I gave you these rings and told you that when the time was right, you’d know what to say. I didn’t think about the fact that you always know what to say. We are partners in every way, but you told me that day on the beach that you wanted something to remind you every day that this is worth fighting for. You have fought when most people would have given up. Maybe we needed to wait until I knew what to say. I want to say it in front of them.”

“This is fucking crazy, Cas.”

“So, are you turning me down? I already built a frame for the piece of paper.” Cas smiled.

“Oh god no, baby,” Dean pulled Cas into his arms. 

“Now, you know that we have a family and a judge over there waiting for us.”

Dean let out a deep breath and stepped back, running his hands down his face. He reached for Cas’s hand and walked towards his family.

\-------------------------

Claire wrapped her arms around Dean’s waist and held on while he hugged everyone else. “Just so you know, he’s bat shit crazy,” Dean smiled, handing his empty coffee cup to Cas to be thrown away. 

“We figured that out when he called,” John laughed. 

“Let’s just do this,” Jess squealed, taking off her jacket. 

Dean looked at Jess and turned to find Cas. He saw the smile, he saw the Black Sabbath t-shirt, he turned back to his family and saw the front of the five t-shirts, different sizes, different bands. “You have got to be kidding me.”

“He said that you’d get it when you saw it,” Sam grinned.

“I get it. Let me guess, the concert tickets?”

“I figured if we’re going to do this, we’re going to do it our way,” Cas smiled.

“So uh, this is your thing and I have absolutely no idea what you have planned. I’m at your mercy.”

“Well, I thought about regular vows, but they are definitely not us. Then I thought about couples who write their own, but that’s not us either. We’ve always just said what we are feeling at the moment.”

“So we’re winging it?”

“Yeah, with a little help.”

Dean looked at Cas, confused. “Help?”

“Yeah, I’m letting them speak for us.”

“What?”

“They know you, they love you. I want to hear what they have to say about you, about us.”

“Wow, okay. So Copley Square in my Black Sabbath t-shirt and my family speaking vows.”

“Pretty much. Are you ready?”

Dean pulled Cas to him and pressed his lips to his temple. “I’m ready,” he said softly, sliding his ring off and handing to Claire while Cas did the same. He took a deep breath and reached for Cas’s hands.

\-------------------------

“Mommy said that I get to go first. Daddy told me to just tell you how much I love you and why. You call me princess and always give me hugs. You built a dollhouse special for me, and Cas built a toy box special for me. Mommy said that after you put these rings back on, Cas will be my uncle, he’ll be part of our family forever. I want Cas to be part of our family forever, I want him to be my uncle. I love you both. That’s all I can think of,” Claire smiled.

“Thank you princess.”

“I know that I can’t use certain words; cute, adorable, handsome. I’ve thought about the day that Cas showed up at our house, the look in both of your eyes. I’ve thought about the day that I held my phone in my hand and you led me on a tour of your home, and your life. I’ve thought about last spring when we came to Boston. The first word that came to me was ‘perfect’. You two are perfection. Dean, I’ve seen you change. You’ve replaced arrogance with confidence. You’ve replaced silence with insight and intelligence. I feel blessed because I have watched you become that man. I look at Cas, his beautiful blue eyes, and I see so much love and compassion. I see the faith that he has in you. What you two have is so special. You bring out the best in one another. It’s a once in a lifetime love. It’s beautiful and inspiring. Marrying a Winchester may not always be easy, but it is worth it. Cas, you are so deserving of the loyalty and love that Dean has to offer. I love you both, so much.”

“Thank you Jess,” Cas whispered.

“I remember laughing one night when you answered a call from my daughter and she told you that she could talk to you until daddy kicked her out of his office. I don’t think that you meant to take that call, I knew that you were caught off guard. But I saw a side of you that I’d forgotten, and a side of you that I’d never seen. Like Jess said, you are loyal, Dean. It was not easy growing up in Lawrence as Dean Winchester’s little brother. But nobody in Lawrence dared mess with Dean Winchester’s little brother. You watched out for me, you protected me, and you’ve always had my back. That all came back to me when you told me about Cas, how you’d hit a rough spot, but you couldn’t leave because you felt like you would be abandoning him. That stuck with me. Even when things were at their worst, you couldn’t imagine abandoning him. A few months later, he showed up at my door because he couldn’t imagine a life without you. That says everything. You refuse to give up on one another, your life together means more to you than anything. When we came to Boston last year I left the restaurant thinking that if I had to create the perfect person for you, the one who would understand you and love you unconditionally, my creation would fall short. Cas, you are so much more than I imagined. You are kind and generous. You are smart and witty. The blind faith that you have in Dean is like nothing I’ve ever seen before. He has finally met his match. I have two brothers. Two unique and incredible brothers who remind me to put my family first because unconditional love is what gives us a reason to go on.”

Dean just smiled and nodded at Sam. He could feel a lump forming in his throat.

“I’m going to try to get through this without crying,” Mary smiled. “Dean, you have always been so full of energy, so full of life. There has been a light in your eyes since the day you were born. You have always been determined to go out and experience the world in your own way. I’ve always seen a kind and quietly thoughtful side to you. I watched you give your toys to Sam when his were broken. You would drag that step stool through the garage and help your father work on the car. You were a shining star who stepped away from the spotlight. You stepped back and you were proud of everyone else’s accomplishments, but never talked about your own. Three years ago you sat me down and told me that you were moving. It was hard to let you go, but there was a restlessness about you. You needed to follow your path, and it led you to Cas. He doesn’t let you step away from the spotlight. He believes in you and cherishes you. You are his spotlight, and he is yours. Cas, you see my son for who he really is. That quietly thoughtful little boy who is a compassionate and caring man. He believes in himself, he believes that he deserves love. You see a perfectly imperfect man who would give you the moon if he could. Make sure to be there to pick one another up when you fall. Be there to believe in one another when you feel like all hope is lost. Be there to love one another when you don’t feel lovable. Always say ‘I love you’ before you go to bed at night. Take the time to look into each other’s eyes. Dean told me once that he is all you have. That’s not true, Cas. You have a family who loves you. Never doubt that.”

“Thank you mom,” Dean said softly, wiping his eyes.

“And now it’s the big bad,” John chuckled. “I told you that the only time a man walks out the way that you did was because he was walking towards something that is worth fighting for, and I meant it. I know that it wasn’t easy for you to show up the next morning and talk to me, but you did it without hesitation because what you had waiting for you was the most important thing in your world. You spent a lot of time caring about what people thought of you when you didn’t need to, but I understand it. To open yourself up, it’s not easy. But then you meet that one person, the one who sees what is already there. The person who you don’t have to explain yourself to, because they already know. The person who always comes to mind when things are at their best, and when things are at their worst. And you ask yourself what you did to deserve somebody like that. Dean, my advice for you is to take time every day to stop and think about the way that he looks at you. Be the man that he sees. Cas, my advice to you isn’t anything new. Stand your ground, don’t let him always win. Us Winchester men, we have lucked out. The three of us have been able to find somebody who is willing to look past our faults, to see us for who we really are, and still want to be on the journey with us. You’re a good man, Cas. You see things in my boy that I don’t think he’ll ever show the rest of us. He’s a different man, he’s a better man and the credit goes to you. My last words of wisdom are this, do the small things. Make the cup of coffee, cook dinner, pour the drink, let the other one choose what to watch on TV. Ask five people to wear rock t-shirts and talk about how it is to be on the outside looking in. Taking on a Winchester isn’t an easy thing to do, but I can see that you’re in it for the long haul.”

“Thank you, John,” Cas smiled when he saw the grin and wink, the same grin and the same wink that he’d seen so many times in his own world.

“I have the unfair advantage of time. I’ve had time to think about what I want to say, but I knew that you didn’t need it. You always know, Dean. Before I met you, I didn’t know how to love. I barely knew how to live. But you have let me see life through your eyes. You showed me the beauty in gray the first time we stood together on the shore. You walked away, but never left my side. You made me believe that leaving the University wasn’t giving up, it was a challenge. You have told me that you would do anything for me, and you have. My end goal was to be an architect. When you saw that I couldn’t do it alone, you did the one thing that you were afraid of. You stepped out of the shadows. You didn’t hesitate. You let the world see the beauty and the brilliance that I’ve always seen, and now you cast your own shadow. You told me once that you’ve always just drifted and somehow it’s worked out for you. You’ve never had an end goal. That’s not true. You did, and it was to make sure that I became the man that I’ve always wanted to be. I’m your end goal. Me. My needs, my happiness, my success have always been the most important thing to you. My pain is your pain and my joy is your joy. Even when I’m laying on the floor listening to music, in your eyes I’m on a pedestal. You give me the credit and the accolades, even though we both know that I couldn’t have walked this road alone. Your patience is endless. Your belief in me is unwavering. Your love for me is eternal, as is my love for you. I’m a better man because you stepped into my life and took a chance on a jaded college professor. I had nothing to offer you, nothing other than time, and that’s all you’ve ever asked for. It is yours; my heart, my soul, and my time. I wake up and I look at you, at how perfect you are, and I ask myself how I ended up here. But, I can’t imagine being anywhere else. Your love is powerful and it is unconditional. Because of you I know how to truly live and love. Because of you I see beauty where there was none. Because of you I have been able to reinvent myself. My promise to you is that I will always believe, I will always be proud, I will always pick the wet towels up off of the bathroom floor, and I will always love you.” Cas took the ring from Claire and with trembling hands, slid it on Dean’s finger.

Dean saw Cas’s slow tears, and felt his own. He was rendered speechless. He looked at the man standing in front of him, he didn’t know that he had the words, that he knew what to say. He saw the love, the anticipation, and he knew that Cas needed to hear something. 

“You tell me that I always know what to say, but right now, I don’t know that I do,” Dean searched Cas’s eyes and took a deep breath. “I moved to Maine to live a quiet life alone with my vinyl records, my used paperback books, and my old drip coffee maker. But, I have this bad habit of saying things before I think them through. That bad habit showed up on the porch of your Colonial Revival, and it changed my life. You saw me. The first time you looked at me you saw me. And somehow, I made sense to you. I see a light in your eyes when you show me something new. You stand back and just watch. You let me experience it in my own way and you listen when I talk about it. The things that I have learned, my opinions, you validate them every day. You make me believe that who I am, the man that you see, is important and somehow necessary. That I bring something to this world. That being Dean Winchester is something to be proud of. That is a gift that you have given to me, and it is something that I can never repay. It’s because of you that I have something to offer when I spend time with the people that I care about. I have become part of the conversation and created an understanding and acceptance that I never believed I would have. My life with you, our time, it is something that I never expected, but can’t live without. Your success is my success because I’d like to believe that the faith I have in you somehow gives you the strength to be the man you want to be. I knew that there was something about you the first time we really talked. After you let go of your demons, I saw a weight lifted. Now, I’m watching you create your own destiny and I’ve never seen anything more beautiful. If I do cast a shadow it’s only because you gave me the light. You have accepted and embraced every part of me. You gave me the MacAvoy House and Copley Square. You have listened to me doubt myself for years, knowing that when the time was right it would somehow all come together for me. All you wanted was to be there, to be present. You touch me, and I can breathe. You lay with me in bed, and I can sleep. We stand next to the ocean in the middle of winter, and I find peace. You are my better half because when I’m with you, I feel whole. I’m a different man. Because of you, I’ve been able to reinvent myself. I know that I’m supposed to promise to love, honor, and cherish you. That’s not enough. I promise to protect you, to satisfy you, to make sure that you feel loved every day, and to try not to leave wet towels on the bathroom floor. I love you, Cas, with everything that I have and everything that I am.” Claire handed Dean the ring and his gaze locked on Cas’s when he slowly slipped it on his finger.

“By the power vested in me, by the state of Massachusetts, I now pronounce you forever united. Please, kiss your husband.”

Dean slid his hand slowly up the side of Cas’s face and pressed their lips together gently. He thought about their impulsive first kiss, their emotional kiss on the pacific beach, but no kiss would ever be as poignant or important as this one. He finally pulled away and lost himself in those eyes. Everything, from watching Cas get out of his car for the walk through up until this moment, it all flashed through his mind. The laughter, the jokes, the way their bodies fit together, the small things that meant so much, even the pain. All of it, those moments brought him here and made him feel complete. He vaguely heard cheerful congratulatory murmurs when he wrapped his arms around his husband. “This meant more to me than I expected. Our story, it has a beginning. But I look at my hand or I feel your hand, and our fingers are wrapped in a circle that has no end. That’s the rest of our story, Cas. I’ve said it so many times, this story has no ending. I love you, baby. You did this, and it means everything. I don’t deserve you.” 

Cas smiled through the tears, letting Dean caress his face and wipe them away gently with his thumb. “I knew that this needed to be done your way, it needed to be real and embody who we are. The family, Copley Square, the t-shirts, that’s about as Cas and Dean as it gets. I knew that it was time and I found my voice.”

“It was beautiful,” Dean grinned, letting go of Cas to run his hands up his face. “You did everything right. Now I think that we have some paperwork to sign and a family to celebrate with.”

Cas leaned in for a soft kiss. “I love you, Dean.”

“I love you too, baby.”

\-------------------------

PROLOUGE:

Cas’s cheeks hurt. He didn’t think he’d ever smiled so much or laughed so hard. He could feel the metal of Dean’s platinum band between his fingers as they sat with their hands clasped. He watched Dean pour him wine while tossing an insult at Sam. His eyes met John’s as he sat back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, looking around the table at his family.

“Okay, I have to know about the t-shirts,” Jess smiled. “When Cas said not to worry about wardrobe, he’d take care of it, this is not what I was expecting. Please tell me there’s a story.”

“Once upon a time…” Dean grinned.

“I’ll tell it. So when we met I was running late. I showed up wearing my cheap wrinkled professor suit. He wasn’t very happy about having to wait for me, and I thought that the frazzled nerdy thing put him off. He spent weeks in my yard and made very little effort to talk to me as I came and went. At first I thought that he was just being professional, which he was, but then I started wondering if he was really just egotistical…”

“Cas…”

“No, keep going,” Sam smiled. “I like this story.”

“Well, I had a couple of days off and I tried to make myself scarce. I’ll admit, I was a little intimidated. He has this way of standing, this way of talking that I’ve never had. He is the definition of charm and sex appeal. I didn’t know how to approach him. I finally went outside to talk to him about my windows, and this is what I was wearing. He looked at me and I could tell that he was rolling his eyes and biting his tongue. He commented on my shirt and when I told him that I drove down to Jersey for the reunion show, he actually looked at me. It’s the first time that he saw something other than The Professor. All I had to do was pass his test, I had to prove that I earned this shirt and didn’t buy it at the mall.”

“Wait,” Jess looked at Cas. “You have a mall?”

“Yeah…”

“But it’s a few towns over,” Dean smiled, pulling Cas’s hand to his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everybody for the kudos and the kind messages on Renovation. Out of all of the Destiel fan fics that I have written, this embodiment of both Dean and Cas are by far my favorite. I love these characters and I truly hope that you've enjoyed their journey in Reinvention


	3. Reconstruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean have it all. Newly married, a thriving business, and a beautiful home. They've never felt more secure or more content, until an accident threatens to take everything away from them. All they've needed is each other, now all they have is each other, and they don't know if it will be enough.

It was bittersweet when they pulled up the driveway. It was the most meaningful, most intense vacation that they had taken. But, there was something to be said about being home. 

Dean unlocked the door and turned to Cas, smiling. “Am I supposed to carry you over the threshold or something?”

“No asshole. Not only are we almost the same size, I am not your wife.”

“No wife? Well who’s going to cook?”

“You,” Cas smiled.

“Who’s going to do the laundry?”

“Me usually, because you always put it off.”

“Who’s going to clean?”

“Nobody,” Cas laughed, gently pushing Dean inside. “When did you become such a sexist pig?”

“I’m not. I’m just making sure that you are still willing to fold my t-shirts. God I hate doing that shit.”

They dropped their bags on the floor and Cas went down to the wine cellar.

“Whatcha grabbin’ baby?” Dean called, searching for the corkscrew.

“I think a red,” came the echoed reply. He set a bottle on the table and wiped the dust off.

“Ah, one of Hester’s.”

“I figured that the recent events warranted a good bottle of wine. Think about it, less than a week ago we left this house as Mr. Dean Winchester and Mr. Cas Novak.”

“And we came back as Mr. Dean Winchester and Mr. Cas Novak,” Dean laughed.

“Precisely. But now if somebody asks me a question like, ‘Does Dean really NEED two kidneys?’ I can make a well thought out legal decision.”

“Uh, and why exactly would we be in a position where somebody had to ask you about my kidneys?”

“Hey, if money gets tight. I’m just saying…”

“You are such an asshole,” Dean grinned, pulling Cas to him. “My old man was so right. I am lucky that in a moment of weakness you decided you wanted to spend your life with me.”

“I did it for the complimentary champagne. And to see your mom rocking an Iron Maiden t-shirt. I can guarantee that we have hands down the best wedding photos of all time.”

“I’m sure we do,” Dean laughed, touching his lips to Cas’s temple then leaning back to press their lips together. “I didn’t think that it would feel different, but it does.”

Cas looked at the softness in those green eyes that he loved so much and smiled. “It does feel different. We’ve been together, we’ve been committed, we’ve been wearing the rings. It just feels more profound somehow.”

“Well, we definitely gathered a crowd at Copley Square. I was tempted to go ask every person who took a picture with their phone if they would send me a copy.”

“Yeah, that was a little strange,” Cas let go of his husband and picked up the corkscrew. “Why would you take pictures of somebody else’s wedding?”

“Besides the fact that we might possibly have been the best looking couple in Copley Square…”

“Don’t forget humble.”

“There were also seven of us wearing rock t-shirts. A wedding where all of the guests are wearing rock t-shirts is not something you see every day.”

Cas popped the cork and Dean reached for the glasses. “You probably didn’t notice the date, did you?”

“Uh today’s date?”

“The date on the certificate,” Cas chuckled.

“Okay, I’m going to fuck up something really romantic here aren’t I?”

“Probably. Look at the certificate and tell me if you recognize the date.”

“Wait, three years ago to the day,” Dean smiled, his eyes wide. “Three years ago on that day I did my walk through of the infamous Novak house.”

“Yes, you did.”

“And here we are, The Professor is dead…”

“But your ass still looks incredible in those jeans. It looks even more incredible out of them.”

“Oh yeah,” Dean grinned. “Should we take this bottle upstairs?”

“Red wine? What if we spill?”

“I’m not worried, I’m not the one who does laundry around here.”

“You are such a dick,” Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck and pulled him into a kiss. It quickly became heated and they climbed up the stairs, each still holding a glass, Dean with the bottle in his other hand.

\--------------------

“Come here,” Dean almost smirked, setting the bottle and wine glasses on the dresser. “Making love to my husband for the first time in our home,” he murmured, kissing Cas slowly, reaching for the hem of his shirt. They were unhurried, stripping to give the other a show. They fell back on the bed and their gaze locked. It was unexpected, but something felt different, somehow more complete. Dean traced Cas’s body with his lips, sucking and gently nipping, running his tongue down the silky skin of his rigid shaft. “Sit up,” he whispered, smiling when Cas slid back and leaned against the headboard. Dean’s hands were greedy, his mouth voracious as he moved up Cas’s body and sat, his thighs pressed against Cas’s hips. “Just your cock,” he whispered, trailing his fingers across his husband’s chest, grazing his sensitive nipples with his fingertips. He rose to his knees and dropped slowly, taking Cas deep. His chest was heaving when he rested his forehead on Cas’s shoulder and waited, shifting and tilting until he felt it. His husband’s hands were soft against his skin, calming him, relaxing him. Dean leaned back and gripped Cas’s thighs, starting to move his body back and forth, letting Cas watch his cock slide in and out. The pain, the pleasure that was slowly building inside of him took his breath away and he waited for Cas’s hand. He groaned when he felt the slow strokes that matched the rhythm of his body. “Oh god baby…” he moaned, rocking faster, encouraging Cas to thrust. Cas’s body was tense, he could see it and feel it in his trembling hand. “Dean…” Cas pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and tilted his head back, his chest heaving. Dean closed his eyes and let himself go, calling Cas’s name when his fingers tightened and he came. He was panting when Cas reached for him and pulled him into his arms. “I love it when you ride my cock,” he murmured. “I love your cock,” Dean grinned, kissing his husband deeply. “Welcome to our marital bed.” Cas smiled and pressed their foreheads together. “It’s good to be home.”

\--------------------

“I do believe that we have a bottle of wine to finish.”

“In bed?”

“Why not?” Dean shrugged, dropping the wet towel from around his hips onto the floor. “You secretly and romantically upgraded our room in Boston to the honeymoon suite and we drank champagne in bed.”

“True,” Cas nodded.

“You know,” Dean said, handing Cas his wine glass and pressing his lips to the still damp hair, “I really think that the jetted tub thing…”

“Would kill the historic integrity of the house,” Cas chuckled, climbing back into bed.

“Creature comforts, baby. Think of all of the things we could do in a jetted tub.”

“Think? Or remember?” Cas grinned, looking at his husband. 

“Hey, that was pretty hot.”

“It was all pretty hot,” Cas said quietly, leaning over to kiss Dean softly. “Definitely a memorable week.”

“I hope so,” Dean laughed. “We’re married now. You know, I always thought that we’d just elope. Take off for a weekend, come back married, tell the family when we got around to it. That’s kind of how we do things. I wasn’t expecting any type of actual wedding. But what you did, that’s not something that I ever would have come up with. We all struggled with what to say and maybe the words weren’t perfect, but it was honest. I mean, I started to lose it when Claire said that she wants you to be her uncle and I never really came back from that. To hear how they all feel about this, about us, it blew my mind. Just knowing that they see what I see. That they get it. That we make sense. There’s some strange balance of power and comfort in that.”

“I know,” Cas smiled, reaching for Dean’s hand. “I know exactly what you mean. I love you Dean.”

“I love you too, Cas.”

\--------------------

“Hey baby,” Dean smiled. He still loved how Cas looked when he wandered downstairs in search of morning coffee. 

“Hey,” Cas yawned, reaching for a mug. “What are you doing?”

“I’m just checking email. Since we made the no laptop rule when we went to Boston and put the note on the website that we were unavailable to do any consults that week, I figured I’d update it and check to see if we got anything.”

Cas bent down for a soft kiss before sitting across from Dean at the table. “And?”

“Two consult requests. One looks fairly cut and dry. It’s pretty much all detail restoration.”

“What era?”

“It’s a Gothic Revival. They sent pics and it’s basically interior woodworking and repair. It looks like just balustrades and moulding. Ornamentation. Pretty the place up a little bit. The second consult request is interesting.”

“Interesting how?”

“Well,” Dean reached for his mug of coffee and leaned back in his chair. “Recently purchased full reno.”

“Full reno? Like the Lafitte house? Or that pain in the ass Novak house?.”

“Not quite as big as Novak, but bigger than Lafitte.”

“Okay, What era is this one?”

“Late 19th century Shingle. I know that you’ve always had a weakness for that architectural style. I’ve been looking at the pictures and I’m guessing that it’s going to be pretty labor intensive.”

“How far?”

“Just outside of Hilldale, so the drive won’t be too bad. My only concern is the structural integrity. I’m guessing that they jumped into a sale with renovation on the brain. If everything meets code, or is close to meeting code, we can probably get it done in a couple of months. Their email says that they have a copy of the original blueprints. I don’t know if that will help…”

“Uh, it will help considerably.” Cas turned Dean’s computer and started scrolling through the pictures. “I’m just looking at the exterior and I can already tell that this is going to be a complicated build. The square footage is smaller than this house, but the details, the gables and eaves are going to be a bitch.”

“We can pull it off, and it will be a hell of a money maker. We need to look into whether or not there’s a conflict of interest now that we’re married. I’d like to be the foreman on this one. I don’t trust anyone else, except maybe Kripke. This could make our season.”

“Is there masonry?” Cas smiled. 

“Unfortunately for me, no. I am, however, going to eventually build that retaining wall next to the pool,” Dean winked, turning the computer back around. ”We won’t turn much of a profit on the Gothic Revival. That’s just basic woodworking and we can do a lot of it here, but it never hurts to have the after pics for the gallery. This full reno is going to mean 12 and 14 hour days if I can lead the project.”

“Do you really think that we can do it?”

“I know we can. You drew up plans for this place and I did the heavy lifting. You didn’t hire an outside architect, so it’s the same vein. You’ll be going into this one blindly, but you have experience now, and there’s no doubt that you have the talent. I don’t see a problem just as long as we go into it knowing that if we get both contracts, we’ll be drinking a lot of coffee and a lot of liquor, depending on the time of day. So, you in for at least a consult?”

“We might as well check it out. Worst case scenario, there are code issues that need to be taken care of before we decide whether or not it’s worth bidding on.”

“That’s the power of positive thinking. Now,” Dean turned his laptop so that it was facing Cas. “Why don’t you do your magic via email and set up the appointments. This husband will perform his husbandly duties and make breakfast for his husband. Any requests?”

“Eggs over medium,” Cas mumbled, reading through the emails.

\--------------------

“I can’t believe you still like doing this.”

“What?” Dean turned innocent eyes on Cas. “We have a long day ahead of us. The interior is over an hour away, but should be pretty cut and dry. The Shingle is closer, but the walk through is going to take some time.”

“It was your idea to schedule them on the same day.”

“Two birds, one stone.” Dean leaned over to kiss Cas gently. “But if I’m going to get through two consults and that much driving, I’m going to need coffee.”

“From this shop while we’re wearing suits.”

“Okay, so I’m petty. I just want to show you off.”

“Are you objectifying me?” Cas grinned.

“Do you really care?”

“Not remotely. Let’s go get coffee.”

“God I hope he’s here.”

“Dean…”

“What?”

\--------------------

“Okay, we are definitely submitting an estimate on this one.”

“You just want to get your hands on some woodwork,” Dean chuckled.

“Damn straight. They have a lot of material to work with. Some of it is just using putty and tools to fine tune what is already there, and the rest is shit that I can rough cut and you can finish.”

“Uh no, we’ll both finish. You wanted to learn this shit. But, it will be just us. We won’t have to bring anyone else in, so we won’t share the profit with anybody other than the paint crew. Like I said, not a huge money maker, but the after pics will be amazing.”

Dean started the car and pulled away from the curb. “Now let’s go check out this full reno. This one should be interesting.”

\--------------------

Cas took a deep breath and smiled when they sat down with the potential clients in the large Shingle style home. They had a faded copy of the original blueprints. There were some code violations, but the foundation was sound. Cas used the design program to show them options and Dean talked to them about structural issues. They didn’t need to make eye contact to know that they both wanted this contract. They let the potential clients know that they would need a scanned copy of the blueprints before they could talk to their contractor. That meant a meeting with Kripke to go over supplies and staffing. They advised that it would be five business days before they could get them an estimate and both sighed when they finally got back in the car.

\--------------------

“So, what do you think?” Dean asked.

“We can do it, I don’t doubt that.”

“Do you want to talk to Kripke and do the math? I can call him in the morning.”

“Yeah,” Cas sighed. “Let’s call Kripke and do the math.”

\--------------------

It still felt strange to not set an alarm at night, to not ensure that his cheap suit was clean but sufficiently wrinkled, a suit that had been shoved to the back of the closet and largely ignored. He still pulled the mug out of the cupboard for Dean some mornings and tried to work on his licensure in other states, research woodworking, and maintain the business. They had given themselves 12 months, 12 months to make this work, and they were nearing the deadline.

\--------------------

“Whatcha doing?”

“Being lazy,” Dean yawned, pulling Cas down on the couch with him. “I know that I should be out there rough cutting for some of that detail work, but I’m not in the mood and we have plenty of time.”

Cas settled between Dean’s legs and leaned back against his chest. “You know that we’re almost to the deadline.”

“The what?”

“Our 12 month budget plan…”

“We’re going to be fine. If we don’t reach the goal in 12 months, we’ll do it in 15 months. This is your dream, this is what you want and we’re going to make it happen. I mean, look at the work we’ve already done, and we’re just a start up. I don’t want you looking in the help wanted section. I don’t want you posting your resume. You own a business and it will be successful.”

“You know, I’ve always been a pretty optimistic person. How did I end up being the cynic in this relationship?”

“Because I’m somewhat childish and completely delusional?” Dean grinned. He ran his hands up Cas’s shirt and moved his lips across his neck. Cas lost himself in Dean’s touch, he always lost himself in Dean’s touch. He pulled his shirt off and leaned his body against Dean’s already bare chest. He could feel that Dean was hard and pressing against him. “Do we still have that bottle of…” Dean groaned, running his palm along Cas’s cock through his thin pajama pants. “You know, when we used to grade papers…”. Cas reached his hand under the couch, searching. They stopped moving when they heard Cas’s phone. Dean moaned and picked it up off of the coffee table, handing it to Cas.

“Novak Architecture and Design...Yes, this is Cas Novak...Okay, well that’s great. So we can set up a time to come out and do a full inspection and then get a start date scheduled...Thank you so much for calling.”

“We got the reno?”

“We got the reno,” Cas smiled.

“Now I’m even more turned on,” Dean moaned.

\--------------------

Dean’s hand was splayed across Cas’s stomach, his mouth nipping and kissing at his shoulders when Cas slid his body down, taking Dean’s slick cock from behind. His back was already sweaty against Dean’s chest, his breath catching when he felt the warm hand wrap around his shaft and start to stroke. His legs were shaking as he pushed his body up and down, taking Dean as deep as he could. He could already feel the throbbing and the tension when Dean pressed his hand harder against him and started to thrust. His eyes closed and his chest was heaving when he tilted his head back against Dean’s shoulder and cried out, rocking his hips until he heard the guttural groan and felt Dean bury himself, coming inside of him. They laid together panting, Dean lazily reaching for Cas’s t-shirt to clean up the mess. “Who knew that a successful business could be such a turn on?” Dean asked, still trying to catch his breath. “I didn’t think I would last that full three minutes.”

“You timed it?”

“Rough estimate,” Dean smiled. “And I think I’m being generous.”

“Oh yeah,” Cas grinned, working to pull their pajama pants up their thighs. “You were definitely generous.”

“I love you,” Dean chuckled, waiting for Cas to turn his head. They shared a slow kiss and let their bodies relax, Dean’s arms wrapping around Cas’s chest.

“I love you too,” Cas said quietly, reaching up to hold Dean’s arms against him.

\--------------------

Cas’s eyes opened slowly and he blinked away the fog, arching his body against Dean’s when he stretched. “I can’t believe I fell asleep.”

“So did I. I’m not sure if it was the excitement of getting the contract or that long drawn out sexual encounter that wore us out.”

“A combination of both,” Cas murmured. “What is the science behind being sedentary and tired?”

“I’ll add that to the list of things that I keep meaning to Google. Do you want to order pizza or do you want your husband to cook you dinner?” Dean asked, pressing his lips to Cas’s neck.

“You really like using the word ‘husband’, don’t you?”

“Yes I do. You are now contractually obligated to put up with me and I like to remind you of that as often as I can.”

“You are such a sweet talker,” Cas chuckled.

“It also reminds me of how lucky I am. This incredible, brilliant, sexy man with great taste in music actually fell in love with a cocky asshole from the midwest.”

“Okay, you actually are a sweet talker.”

“I’m just being honest. I think about my life three years ago, and I think about my life today. The fact that you are in it has changed everything. Now, let’s go jump in the shower and then I will cook. I’ll let you deal with this sticky t-shirt.”

“It’s moments like this when Jess’s banned words come to mind…”

“Do not call me adorable.”

“I didn’t have to,” Cas smiled, turning his head for another kiss.

\--------------------

He’d scanned the old blueprints and had them pulled up on his computer, checking dimensions and placement. He looked at measurements, did the math, and looked at them again. He could feel a dull ache behind his eyes and started to yawn when Dean handed him the glass of scotch.

“Looks like you don’t need a drink to relax,” he smiled, pressing his lips to the top of Cas’s head and sitting down next to him on the couch.

“Oh no, I definitely need a drink.”

“How many times have you drawn up the plans now?”

“This is my fourth iteration,” Cas yawned again. “I’m out of practice. This is basically a rebuild, and I’m a little lost. It’s big and I don’t want to fuck it up. This may change the game for us.”

“It will change the game for us. I know that this is bigger than we really expected, maybe we shouldn’t have…”

“No, we should have. It’s a challenge, but I didn’t spend that much time in school, doing internships, and taking state exams to turn down a job like this. I need to have this done by the end of the week so that we can meet with Kripke and the client, and I’m really fucking nervous.”

“I know you are,” Dean leaned over and kissed Cas softly. “I’d be worried if you weren’t. But, I know what you are capable of.”

Cas sighed and closed his computer, setting it on the coffee table and leaning his body back against Dean’s. “The attic is a testament to that. Not my capability, your belief in me.”

“Okay, you know what we need?” Dean groaned, moving from behind Cas and standing up. He crossed the room and Cas smiled when he watched him start to flip through their vinyl. “I don’t know how long it’s been since we’ve cleaned this floor, but we’ll just have to form an alliance to stave off the dust bunnies.” He put on a record and laid down, letting Cas rest his head on his stomach. They closed their eyes and Cas’s body relaxed against the hardwood when he felt Dean’s fingers in his hair and the low vibration of him singing along to the music. 

\--------------------

They met with Kripke and met with the client. They set a start date and Cas was apprehensive. It had been tedious, but he’d done it. He had the blueprints and the contract had been signed. 

\--------------------

Dean was still on Kripke’s payroll, and they’d found no conflict of interest. Dean was given the foreman position and hand picked his crew. Cas wandered around the site the day that they began construction. He went over the final plans with the crew and watched them climb ladders to start working on the roof. He looked at the rotted scraps of wood as they landed on the grass and wondered if they’d taken on more than they could handle.

He went the site once or twice a week, but spent most of his time in their guest house rough cutting and fine detailing the woodwork for the other project. He still got frustrated, he still bloodied his hands, and Dean still patiently rubbed the knots out of his shoulders in a hot shower before dinner.

\--------------------

“We’ve got the framing ready to go. The crew is hoping to get those ceiling beams in place today.”

Cas looked up from where he was working with a finger sander. He could see the glint in Dean’s eyes. “They’re bringing in the crane, aren’t they?”

“If they want to get those beams up they are.”

“And you want to go play with the heavy equipment,” Cas smiled.

“I’ve been in construction for over 15 years. I’ve used heavy equipment. I have no idea why it’s so satisfying to watch hydraulics and cables lift heavy objects and move them around, but it is.”

“Satisfying as in expect nudity and carnal needs later tonight?” Cas chuckled.

“Probably,” Dean grinned. “So, do you want to come?”

“I’m good. I want to get this shit done. I just need to finish these last few pieces before we take them out there for installation. Then we can inspect, and have the painters come in.”

“Okay,” Dean leaned over and kissed Cas gently. “But you don’t know what you’re missing out on.”

“I’ll take your word for it. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Dean kissed him again, long and lingering. “I’ll be home in a few hours.”

Cas just shook his head when Dean shut the door behind him. Dean was intelligent and well read. He was talented and witty. He was loving and sensual. He was sexy and thoughtful. He was arrogant and loved to play with man sized toys. Cas still looked at him and hard a hard time believing that somebody like Dean Winchester existed. He picked the sander up and went back to work, hoping that he could get through a day without taking off the top layer of skin on one of his fingers.

\--------------------

“Shit, we’re going to have to replace the sod under this thing. Oh well,” Dean sighed. “Okay, lift her up and let’s get it moved.” He had his hard hat on and was trying to block the sun from his eyes with his hand while he watched the beam lift off of the ground and the crane turn it. “Looking good guys.”

\--------------------

Cas wiped the sawdust off of his hands and picked up his phone. “Novak Architecture and Design...Yeah, this is Cas...Wait, what?...Okay, yeah I’ll uh...Thanks.” He shoved his phone in his pocket and ran into the house to grab his keys and his wallet.

\--------------------

“Dean Winchester?” Cas panted, gripping the edge of the receptionists desk.

“We haven’t had a patient come in with that name.”

Cas felt dizzy when he turned around. He heard the distant siren and realized that he’d made it to the hospital before the ambulance. Their house was closer than the worksite. He followed the sound outside and stood at the edge of the emergency room bay, watching the paramedics gently unlock the wheels of the stretcher and set it on the ground. His chest hurt when he saw Dean’s body strapped down. He started to follow them, ready for a fight if anyone tried to stop him, but nobody seemed to notice his presence.

\--------------------

Cas stood in the doorway of the room and watched a succession of orderlies and nurses hover over his husband. 

“I’m going to need you to step back.”

“I’m his husband,” Cas mumbled.

“I’m still going to need you…”

“His ring? Can you take off his ring?”

A nurse turned to look at Cas, quickly slid the ring off of Dean’s finger, and handed it to him. He had just slipped it in his pocket when a young man walked up with a clipboard.

“Are you related to the patient?”

“What?” Cas tried to turn towards the sound of the voice, but he felt sick. “I’m uh...he’s my husband.”

“Okay, and you were there when the accident happened?”

“No. I got a call from the worksite,” he whispered over the cacophony of voices.

“We need to get him into surgery. Call orthopedics.”

“Wait, what?” Cas looked around the small exam room. 

“Sir, we really need you to step back.”

The registrar gently grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the way. “Let me just ask you a few questions so that we can get him admitted.”

Cas could only nod, the pain in his head intensifying when he saw Dean’s ashen face. 

\--------------------

“Winchester…” Cas sighed, his hand trembling when he took the Ibuprofen and cup of water gratefully out of the orderly’s hand. He swallowed the pills and set the cup on the registrar’s desk. “Dean Winchester.”

\--------------------

Cas didn’t know how long he’d been in the small waiting room, pacing, running his hands up his face, holding back tears, when the doctor finally came to speak with him.

“Mr. Novak, your husband sustained some fairly serious injuries. His right femur was broken, we placed an intramedullary nail in the bone. Surprisingly his pelvis is intact other than a small fracture that didn’t require surgical repair, but there may be some nerve damage to his lower back. He also has two broken ribs and a collapsed lung. We did find a small amount of internal bleeding that we think will resolve on it’s own.”

“But he’s okay?”

“It’s nothing life threatening. I’ll be honest, injuries like this are painful and difficult to recover from, but he’s young and healthy enough that I think he’ll be fine. I would like to keep him here for a few days for general observation and to monitor the internal bleeding. You can see him as soon as he is out of recovery.”

“How long will that be?”

“Probably an hour or so. The cafeteria is downstairs if you want to grab something to eat or drink. Leave your cellphone number with the nurse and she will call you with any updates on his condition.” 

“Thank you,” Cas shook the doctor’s hand and waited until he left before he dropped into a chair and let the tears finally come. He was shaken and exhausted.

\--------------------

He knew that he needed to call Dean’s family, but he didn’t have the words. He didn’t know how to make that phone call, he didn’t know how one of Dean’s crew members had been able to make that phone call. He scrolled through his contact list and stared blankly. All he could see was Dean’s pale face, the unnatural angle of his leg against the denim that had been cut away from his body, his chest moving almost imperceptibly when he took shallow unconscious breaths. He hit dial and closed his eyes. “Hi Mary, this is Cas. Dean was in an accident today…”

\--------------------

Cas hung up the phone and found a bathroom. He washed his hands and splashed cold water on his face, taking deep breaths to calm himself. He wasn’t hungry or thirsty, but he gave the nurse at the desk his cell number and went to the cafeteria to grab a cup of coffee. He called Kripke to let him know that Dean was alive and get more details. Assuring somebody that his husband had survived an accident was surreal. He let out a deep sigh when he slipped his phone in his pocket. He knew that he needed to go home at some point and pack a bag. As long as Dean was staying in the hospital, so was he.

\--------------------

“Mr. Novak?”

Cas stopped pacing and turned towards the voice. “Yes?”

“Your husband is out of recovery and has been taken to his room.”

“Okay...where…”

“Just follow me,” the nurse smiled and turned to walk down the hall.

\--------------------

“Oh god,” Cas said softly, standing over Dean’s bed. His leg was covered by a large brace and his ribs were wrapped with a wide bandage. Cas gently moved the blanket and saw the bruise that ran across his stomach. He reached into his pocket and pulled out Dean’s wedding ring, sliding it on his slightly swollen finger. He needed to feel it when he held his husband’s hand, he didn’t want Dean to wake up without it on. The machines, IV’s, wires, they were all in his periphery as he stood and watched Dean’s chest rise and fall.

\-------------------

“Cas?” Dean’s voice was low and raw.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

Dean tried to open his heavy lidded eyes. “What happened?”

“You uh, you had a little altercation with a beam.”

“Altercation with a beam? I feel like I’ve been hit by a Mack truck,” Dean groaned.

“Pretty close.”

“What’s the damage?” Dean blinked slowly and turned his eyes towards his husband.

“Uh, well you are now the proud owner of a rod in your femur, you broke some ribs, collapsed a lung, messed up your back, and there was some internal bleeding.”

“But I still have both kidneys, right?”

“Yes,” Cas smiled. “You still have both kidneys.”

“Good, now I know that you can be trusted when I’m under anesthesia,” Dean tried to grin.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” Dean finally smiled and squeezed Cas’s hand.

\--------------------

Cas felt like he could breathe again when he dropped his bag on the small couch in Dean’s hospital room. “I talked to Kripke. There was something wrong with the hydraulics. He doesn’t think that the equipment rental company did a full inspection on it, so he took pictures of like every inch of the thing. He thinks that we should talk to Sam about whether or not we are in a position to file a lawsuit. Anyway, he is going to take over as foreman. I guess that’s one of your perks of working for a guy that you’ve known since you were kids. They’ll be back at the site tomorrow. The homeowners are a little freaked out but…”

“Cas, slow down and take a breath.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just…”

“Yeah, I know,” Dean said softly. “Drag that chair over here and talk to me about happy things.”

“Happy things? Like unicorns and kittens?”

“No,” Dean smiled, reaching for Cas’s hand. “Tell me the story about how Metallica sold out after ‘And Justice For All’. Or how they magically take hops and barley and turn it into craft beer…”

Cas grinned and squeezed Dean’s hand. “And here I was all prepared for unicorns and kittens.”

“What about rainbows? Did you have anything on rainbows?”

“Shit! No, I totally spaced off the rainbows. But I did bring your laptop if you want to Google image some. Has the nurse been in lately?”

“No, which kind of sucks. She’s pretty hot.”

“Uh, husband in the room.”

“I know,” Dean grinned. “I’d much rather you give me sponge baths.”

“You get sponge baths?”

“I don’t know yet, ow shit that hurts,” Dean chuckled and groaned. “They’ve got me on some pretty good painkillers, but these fucking ribs.”

“Foul mouthed…”

“Yeah, and you like it.”

“So? See, normally one of us would probably have called the other an asshole by now, but I don’t know that the medical staff would see it as a term of endearment,” Cas grinned.

“It’s the thought that counts. There’s this needy little voice in my head telling me that you haven’t kissed me yet.”

“I don’t want to hurt you or mess up any wires or IV’s or anything.”

“There aren’t wires or IV’s on my face, at least none that I know of.”

“No, your face is still perfect,” Cas smiled, standing up to kiss Dean softly.

“I don't know how I’ll pull it off, but I do think that I promised you nudity and carnal needs later tonight. I am a man of my word.”

“I don't know that this is really the time or place.”

“You don’t think that the flashing lights, constant beeping, and random people walking in and out of here is romantic?”

“Okay, so maybe there’s a little ambience.”

“You know that I’m not really wearing anything under these blankets, right?” Dean grinned.

\--------------------

Dean slid the tray towards the nurse and looked at Cas, reminding him of his promise to sneak in something edible later. They waited until the nurse was done taking his vital signs and asking him the requisite questions. Cas put the laptop on the table that crossed the bed and opened it. Dean pulled up Skype, took a deep breath, and called his mom.

“Oh my god, Dean! Are you okay?” Mary answered with tears in her eyes.

“Hey mom,” he smiled. “I’m okay. I’m a little goofy because of the painkillers and it hurts to breathe. I’m just glad that Cas has no sense of humor because I can’t imagine trying to laugh.”

“Hey!” Cas scowled.

“Sorry baby,” Dean chuckled. “Oh shit, see. Oh now that hurts.”

“You need to be careful.”

“I know mom. I should also be nicer to my husband considering that he’s the one who is going to have to deal with me when we get home.”

“When do you get to go home?”

“In a few days. I guess I had some internal bleeding that they want to keep an eye on. But, I am now sporting a metal rod in my leg. That’s going to suck when winter comes.”

“I’m just happy to see you talking and smiling. That was a phone call that I never wanted to receive.”

“And probably one that Cas didn’t want to make,” Dean reached for Cas’s hand again, pulling it to his lips. “I’m going to be fine, just a whiny pain in the ass for awhile. Which really isn’t anything new,” he grinned.

“Do you need anything? Do you need me to come out there?”

“I think we’ve got it under control. We meet with the physical therapist tomorrow and we’ll know more. But, I appreciate the offer. Anyway, the doctor should be in here soon to poke and prod. I’ll call you later. I just wanted you to see my handsome face.”

“You look good honey, I’m so relieved.”

“Thanks mom, I love you.”

“I love you too, Dean. You and Cas. Call your brother if you get the chance, he’s worried sick.”

“I’m highly doubting the ‘sick’ part, but I’ll try to call him,” Dean smiled. “Have a good night.” He closed the laptop and sighed, turning his head to look at his husband.

“You don’t have to keep up the act, Dean,” Cas said quietly. “I know that you’re doing it for my benefit, for your mom’s benefit.”

“What act?”

“The tough guy act. You’re in pain and we might have a long road ahead of us.”

“My only concern right now is how in the hell I am supposed to fall asleep in this bed alone tonight.”

“I’ll sit next to you until you do.”

“I know you will. I love you, baby,” Dean said softly pulling his husband’s hand to his chest.

“I love you too.”

\--------------------

Dean turned his eyes away from the old western playing on the screen and gave the nurse a small smile in the dim light.

“I just need to check your vitals and then I’ll get out of your way. How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay. I think it’s been harder on him.” Dean gestured towards Cas, asleep in the chair that he’d pulled up beside the bed. He ran his thumb slowly across the side of Cas’s hand that was laying next to him, their fingers still loosely intertwined.

“He’s your…”

“He’s the best friend I’ve ever had,” Dean murmured. 

“I married my best friend too,” the nurse said quietly, wrapping a blood pressure cuff around his arm. “It’s the best decision I ever made.”

“Yeah, mine too.”

He heard the pumping, felt the tightening around his bicep, listened to the air escape the cuff. “How long?” she asked.

“Us? We got married in April.”

“So you’re newlyweds.”

“I guess so,” Dean looked at Cas’s messy hair, the same messy bed head that he found so endearing when he stumbled into the kitchen in the morning half awake. “But it feels like he has always been by my side.”

“Those are usually the marriages that last. Now, you should try to get some rest. The doctor will start his rounds in a few hours and will be in to talk to you.”

“Thanks,” Dean nodded and watched her leave his room. He reached over and ran his fingers through Cas’s hair, stopping to gently caress his cheek. He looked almost childlike sitting in the chair with his head propped against the hospital bed mattress, his breaths even. He was beautiful. Dean sat back against the pillows, tightening the hold his fingers had on Cas’s, and chuckled to himself when he realized that this was the first time he had watched a movie while Cas fell asleep halfway through. “I love you,” he whispered, wishing that he could twist his body and lean over to press his lips against his husband’s temple, to let him know that everything was going to be okay.

\--------------------

“Three to four weeks I could handle, but three to four months?”

“Dean, they had to put a metal rod in your femur. You heard the doctor, you’ll probably need to be on crutches for a few months. We’ll meet with a physical therapist and get that all figured out. Can we just be happy that you’ll be able to walk at all?”

“Yeah, I know,” Dean groaned, trying to get comfortable in the car. “They could have at least let me keep the IV painkillers. This fucking sucks.”

“I know it does. We’ll get you home, you can eat and take your pain pill, and then lay down on the couch.”

\--------------------

Cas wanted to touch him, to hold him, but he was afraid. He looked into those green eyes, saw the outstretched hand and reached for it. “Is it going to hurt to sit up for a second?”

“Pretty much everything that I do hurts, but it won’t be unbearable, why?”

“There’s not really room for both of us on the couch unless you sit between my legs and lean back against me.”

“Ah, the reverse paper grading position,” Dean tried to smile.

“Didn’t know that we’d given it a formal title, but sure,” Cas grunted, using one hand to help Dean sit up and gently climbing on the couch behind him. He cringed when Dean winced and shoved pillows behind his back, softly pulling Dean to him. He bent his head and pressed his lips to his husband’s temple then buried his face in his neck. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“You aren’t getting rid of me that easily.” Dean intertwined their fingers and rested their hands gingerly on his stomach. “I knew that I should have made you say the words ‘for better or for worse, in sickness and in health’,” he yawned.

“I thought it was unspoken.”

“It is,” Dean murmured drowsily. 

\--------------------

“Okay, 17 steps are exhausting after a day of actually working. Drunk, that’s a real treat. But this? This fucking sucks.”

“I know,” Cas tried not to groan as he held the bulk of Dean’s body weight and juggled his crutches while they slowly moved up the stairs. “Maybe we should have stayed downstairs.”

“Well, there’s no shower downstairs and no way that we could both sleep comfortably on the couch. Maybe I’m being a dick, but I really want a shower and to sleep next to you in our bed.”

“That’s not being a dick,” Cas sighed, handing Dean his crutches once they’d reached the top. “I’d feel the same way. Shit! I left the waterproof pads that we’re supposed to put over your sutures downstairs. You okay to make it to the bedroom?”

“Yeah,” Dean smiled. “I think I can manage the hallway by myself.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back,” Cas called from halfway down the stairs. Dean just shook his head and made his way into the bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled his shirt off. He was reaching for the waistband of his pants when Cas rushed back in. “I’ll do that.” Dean laid back on the bed and let Cas undress him and switch out his bandage for a waterproof one, then helped him up and into the bathroom. Cas dropped his own clothes on the bathroom floor and reached into the shower to turn the water on. Dean leaned against the tile while Cas soaped up his body and leaned against Cas while he rinsed it off. Normally he would be aroused, they both would, but the exhaustion and stress were overwhelming. Cas had to dry him off, Cas had to get him dressed, Cas had to help him into bed.

“Three to four months…” Dean sighed. 

“It’ll get better,” Cas said quietly, reaching for Dean’s hand. “We’ve only been home for what? Maybe eight hours.”

“It took an hour just to take a shower and get ready for bed.”

Cas turned on his side and pulled his body up on one elbow. “You’re frustrated, I get that. So it takes us an hour to get ready for bed. We’ll get this figured out. You took your pain pill?”

“Yeah,” Dean sighed again. Cas dipped his head and pressed their lips together gently. Dean reached for him and they parted, their tongues sliding slowly. Cas felt the moan building and pulled away. 

“We probably shouldn’t start anything.”

“I know.” Dean gave him a weak smile. “God, I’m not even that tired now.”

“I can grab you a book or I can tell you the magical story of how Metallica sold out.”

“Ah, that’s right. You never did tell me that story.”

Cas turned off the lamp and pulled the blankets over them, reaching for Dean’s hand. “The year was 1991. We’d all worn out our ‘And Justice For All’ cassettes and were eagerly awaiting Metallica’s new album…”

\--------------------

“So, I uh, need to finish the installation of the moulding and then have the paint crew come in. I’m already a week behind on that job. Kripke was wondering if I could stop by the guest house site.”

“Okay,” Dean said, nodding when Cas handed him a mug of coffee. He watched him turn towards the stove to finish breakfast. “How do you feel about the woodwork?”

“I think I’ll be okay. If I need to, I guess I can facetime you and you can walk me through it. I’m not really sure why I need to go to the worksite.”

“Because you’re the architect and the client is going to want to see either me or you there. I’m guessing that the accident freaked them the fuck out.”

“Yeah, I don’t know,” Cas shrugged. “Kripke has stepped up and taken on a lot.”

“Again, that’s the beauty of working with a guy that you’ve known since you were kids. He wouldn’t go to these lengths for any of his other employees.”

“I just…” 

“What?”

“I honestly don’t know how to go out and deal with this shit alone. I mean, maybe I can finish the interior job. But, I’ve never done it before. I’m useless at the worksite unless they have questions about the blueprints, which they don’t. And leaving you here…” 

“Cas, I’m not an invalid. Okay, I kind of am. But, I can get around the main level just fine. I only need to use three rooms; the den, the kitchen, and the bathroom. I’ll be okay. You have a business to run and you need to focus on that instead of worrying about me.”

“You are my husband, Dean.” 

“I know, but I’m fine. I get that there are parts of this business that you haven’t really dealt with, and I hate sending you out there to do it alone. I’d come with you in a heartbeat if I didn’t think it would fuck with everybody’s heads to see me on crutches. I mean, it couldn’t have been fun to watch a beam try to take out your foreman. Go and tell them that I’m resting comfortably at home. The physical therapist said that as soon as the pain starts to lessen, I can try putting weight on it. I’m not taking my pain pills anymore…”

“Since when?”

“Since last night when I decided that I’m sick of feeling loopy half of the time and I need to work through the pain.”

“Okay, that’s the exact opposite of what we were told. You can’t work through the pain. You wait until your leg is ready. If it still hurts, it’s not ready. Once your sutures are out, you can start the water therapy so that you don’t lose your muscle tone.” Cas looked at Dean and saw the defeat in his eyes. He set a plate of food on the table and stood between his legs, letting Dean wrap his arms around his waist and rest his cheek against his stomach. “I know that you’re miserable. You are stuck in this house, you’ve had to let me help you, and you’re in pain.”

“You didn’t sign up for this, Cas,” Dean said quietly.

“Actually I did. I have paperwork to prove it. We get these two jobs done then we focus on getting you back on both feet. I’ve already updated the website, no consultations until after the first of the year.”

“It’s early July. We still have months left in the season to take on more work.”

“Yeah, but we should make enough money to get us through until the season starts up again. You’re getting workman’s comp. Kripke said that we might be able to sue the equipment company. We paid cash for that monster SUV out there. And my loans are almost paid off. My biggest concern right now is you. You are the most important thing in my life and that’s not going to change. I will somehow try not to fuck up these two jobs and then we’ll take time off.”

“So we’re going to just sit around for the next five months?” Dean leaned back in his chair and pushed his plate away. Cas sighed and started to make more coffee, grabbing Dean’s mug without asking. He knew his husband.

“Yes, we are. We have no other option right now, Dean. I need to prioritize and you are my priority.” He slid the mug under the coffee maker a little harder than usual and dropped his head. “Okay, I shouldn’t have raised my voice…”

“Cas, you’re frustrated, I’m frustrated. This situation fucking sucks but you can’t put your life on hold because of this accident.”

“Yes I can, and I will. I will go to every doctor’s appointment and I will ask questions. I will drive the physical therapist’s crazy until I can do their job better than they can. Two weeks ago I thought that this was life or death. I stood in the doorway of that room in the ER and I watched. You didn’t fucking move. Other than asking for your ring, I couldn’t talk. They kept telling me to get out of the way but I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I stood there and I watched my life turning gray. I have never felt like that before. So five months off of work, those crutches, an hour to get ready for bed...those things actually mean something to me because you are here. You are talking to me while I make coffee. People use the cheesy ‘I would not be the man that I am today without you’ line, but here, with us, it’s real. My life has been turned upside down and I stood there knowing that I can’t do this, any of this, without you.” Cas saw Dean’s watery eyes and set his mug down, squatting between his legs and taking his hands. “There is no way I will understand what you are going through,” he said quietly. “But I will always take care of you. I can put my hand on your chest right now and feel your heart beating, and that is everything to me.” He gently pulled Dean close. “I love you.”

“I love you too. I just…”

“I know, but your stubborn ass needs to let me do this.”

“I know,” Dean sighed. “I just hate that this may have fucked up the big picture somehow.”

“It hasn’t fucked up the big picture. It was an accident. Accidents happen, life happens, and all we can do is learn to live with what we’ve been handed.”

\-------------------- 

Dean was bored. It was one thing to lay on the couch and nap or watch TV because you wanted to relax, it was entirely different when you had no choice. I took him over a half hour just to get to the kitchen and make a sandwich, almost falling twice and uttering an unusually long string of expletives. He was sitting at the table, proud of himself, when he felt his phone. He was relieved that he’d thought to put it in his pocket before he left the den.

“Hey baby.”

“Hey,” Cas smiled at the easy look on Dean’s face. “So I went to the site and everything looks good. At least Kripke said it does. All of the guys asked about you. I’m supposed to tell you random hello’s and get better’s and shit like that. Now I’m headed to the other job to finish it and I’m scared shitless. I’ve never done this.”

“So keep me on the phone,” Dean said with his mouth full. “I’ll walk you through it.”

“Wait, are you eating?”

“Uh yeah, it’s this strange habit of mine. I try to do it at least twice a day. Why?”

“Well, you’re just up and moving around. I expected you to relax.”

“It’s like you don’t even know me,” Dean grinned. “So, what are you worried about? The installation? You’ll just have to use caulk, the nail gun, and a little bit of putty. You can go back in a day or two and fine sand the putty and then call in paint. You’ll be fine. Again, I am putting myself in a position to be completely pushed out of the business.”

“Still nervous.”

“Still believe in you.”

“Okay, we’ve become nauseating,” Cas smiled. “How’s your leg?”

“Uh, hurts like hell, but don’t tell me to take a pain pill and lay down. I’m sick of both.”

“Well, you aren’t supposed to sit for very long because of your back and pelvis.”

“Wait,” Dean grinned. “If you’re going to be all bossy and shit, does this mean that we get to play doctor when you get home?”

“Yeah, I don’t think that you are anywhere near ready for that,” Cas laughed. “I’ll facetime you if I run into any problems. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Now go lay down.”

“God I love bossy architects.”

\--------------------

Cas sighed and got out of the car. He knocked on the door of the old house to let the clients know that he was there, and started pulling pieces of woodwork carefully out of the back of the SUV that Dean hated. Dean wanted Cas to just buy a new car, Cas reminded him that they needed something big enough to haul materials. Dean wanted Cas to buy a truck to haul materials, Cas reminded him that they lived in Maine where it gets humid, cold, and therefore icy. Dean conceded and looked away when Cas handed the check to the salesman. Cas ordered custom magnetic company logos to put on the sides, Dean stopped calling Cas a soccer mom. 

Cas tried to keep his hands from shaking when he leveled the first piece to be installed and picked up the nailgun. His first instinct was to call Dean, but he needed to learn to do this alone. He got the first piece of moulding in place and took a deep breath. It was even, it was caulked, and he’d put putty over the small indents left by the nails. It took him hours, but he was able to install all of the moulding and let the clients know that he’d be back in a couple of days to do some minor touch ups and then he’d call the painters. His shoulders and neck were aching, and he was disappointed that a tension relieving shower wasn’t an option. He stopped for burgers and beer on his way home.

\--------------------

“Hey,” Dean smiled when Cas set the greasy bag and cold bottles on the coffee table. He tilted his head for a kiss and could see the weariness in Cas’s eyes. “Everything go okay?”

“Uh yeah, actually it was better than I expected.”

“Pics?”

“What?” Cas smiled. “You don’t trust me?”

“Actually I do. I just want to see how good it looks installed.” He scrolled through the pictures on Cas’s phone. “It looks incredible.”

“Thanks.” Cas waited for Dean to slide over and make room for him on the couch. “How’s the leg?”

“Not healing fast enough.”

“It’s only been a couple of weeks. Do you feel okay sitting up with your knee bent?”

“Yeah, I’m good. When we’re done eating you can help me upstairs and we can take a tension relieving shower.”

“I don’t think that you’re quite ready to…”

“Okay, I know that our marriage has a solid foundation of sarcasm and sexual innuendo. But, sometimes I think that there might be other facets to it. You know, concern and loyalty and love type shit, which is actually the direction that I was coming from. With that being said, hand me a burger and I’ll try to come up with what type of tactical maneuvering it will take to do this whole shower thing.”

\--------------------

Dean leaned against the warm tile, able to put some weight on his right leg, digging his fingers into the knotted muscles of Cas’s shoulders and neck. He heard the groans and he felt Cas’s body against his. He wrapped his arm around Cas, splaying his fingers across his stomach while he reached for his cock. He started to slowly stroke, feeling Cas’s back relax against his chest. “Dean…” Dean ran his lips down Cas’s neck and across his shoulder. “Let me do this. I haven’t touched you in weeks.” He moved his hand slowly, taking his time, needing it to last. His palm slid across the sensitive head eliciting a gasp. He squeezed and ran his fingers along the silky skin of Cas’s shaft, pressing his hand harder to hold their bodies close. He felt the throbbing, Cas’s chest heaving, and heard the groan echo off of the bathroom walls. Cas turned in Dean’s arms, still breathing heavily, and kissed him slowly.

“I was not expecting that.”

“Good,” Dean grinned. “I wasn’t expecting to do it, but I couldn’t stop myself.”

“What about you? I mean…”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. I got plenty out of it.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Good enough to finish this shower and then crawl into bed.”

\--------------------

Dean hated that he had to sleep on his back, but he pulled Cas close, pressing his lips to the top of his head where it lay on his chest. “I’m proud of you,” he murmured. “You went out there today and you kicked it in the ass. I wish I’d been there to see it.”

“There wasn’t much to see. I stood in the client’s backyard and tried to look like I wasn’t completely clueless. I was there for over an hour and spent probably 45 minutes of it talking about you.”

“But the other job, the woodwork. It’s amazing. I couldn’t have done it better.”

“Except that it took me about twice as long as it would have taken you,” Cas chuckled.

“So what? It was your first try and you got it right.”

“I had an excellent teacher.”

“I had one of those once. I learned a lot in his class. I learned even more outside of it.”

“Oh yeah?” Cas smiled in the dark. “And what did you learn outside of it?”

“That drinking while you build furniture from Ikea makes it a lot more interesting.”

“You are such a…”

“Charming and pleasant human being? I know, it’s a curse,” Dean laughed. “I love you.”

“I love you too, asshole.”

\--------------------

“Oh thank god,” Dean moaned, reaching down to scratch where the sutures had been.

“Don’t scratch at it,” Cas admonished. “The stitches are out but the skin still has to heal.”

“I married a blue eyed tyrant,” Dean groaned, sliding off the the examination bed and pulling his pants up.

“And normally that would turn you on.”

“Oh, that hasn’t changed,” he turned his head and grinned. 

“You are impossible,” Cas smiled.

“Amongst many other things.”

“Yeah, I’ll make you a list of those other things.”

“Are you going to do it alphabetically? Because I think that ‘awesome’ would be a really good place to start.”

“Of course you do. Now, in all seriousness.”

“I am so sick of seriousness,” Dean sighed, taking his crutches out of Cas’s hand. 

“I know you are. But, he said that the x-rays look good. Everything has stayed in place, the bone is healing. Now we just make an appointment to start the water therapy and you’ll probably feel a lot better, especially your back.” Cas was worried about Dean’s back. He rarely complained, but he could see the pain in his eyes, feel it in the way his breath caught when he moved. He silently handed him heating pads and gave him ibuprofen. Dean could comfortably lay on his stomach, and Cas would patiently work his fingers into the muscles around his spine, loosening them, hoping to give his husband some relief. He wrapped his arms around Dean in the shower and let the hot water relax him, their mouths and hands moving across their warm wet skin. Dean would touch him, wrap his fingers around his cock and slowly stroke. But, they never talked about the fact that Dean always stayed limp. Cas knew that Dean wasn't ready to acknowledge it.

\--------------------

“Uh, what are you doing?” Cas questioned when he came through the back door. Kripke had run into some minor problems and needed him at the worksite to go over revisions to the original plans. 

“Oh hey,” Dean smiled, when he turned his head. “I’m cooking dinner.”

“Well, I can see that, and it’s much appreciated, but shouldn’t you be…”

“Laying down? Sitting down? Going out of my fucking mind? No. I’m actually looking forward to starting water therapy just to get the hell out of his house for a few hours. I needed to get up and do something.”

“Yeah but…”

“Cas, I’m fine. I can hobble around in here with no problem. You’re in charge of drinks and telling me what the outside world is like. Now, come here and give me a kiss.”

Cas smiled when he crossed the room and wrapped his arms around Dean, leaning in to press their lips together softly. “It’s only been a few weeks, and you have left the house.”

“Well, when doctor’s appointments and sitting in the car waiting for you to run in and grab coffee are the highlights, a few weeks feels like a fucking lifetime. I actually stay awake during movies now because I have nothing better to do.”

“You have your daily call with your mom,” Cas grinned. Mary called at least once, sometimes twice a day. As much as Dean loved his mother, the cross country babying wore on his nerves.

“I know that she means well, but I don’t know how many times she needs to hear me say that I’m fine or see my face. Thank you so much for teaching her how to facetime me.”

“Hey,” Cas chuckled, “she was concerned.”

“That’s okay. I told her today that I’m a little worried about you. I suggested that you might need some family support, maybe somebody to talk to about how difficult I am.”

“Her and I have talked about how difficult you are, at length. Granted, it was before the accident.”

“You are such an asshole.”

“You seriously expected me to leave that one alone?”

“No,” Dean laughed. “I would have been disappointed if you hadn’t taken the bait. Now,” he kissed Cas again softly, “you decide on beer or wine and I’ll get dinner finished.”

“I’m so glad that I married somebody who cooks.”

“And I am so glad that I married somebody who actually separates whites and colors,” Dean grinned.

\--------------------

Cas talked about the renovation. He showed him video and still shots. He watched Dean’s reaction and was saddened that as proud and impressed as he was with how far they’d come, he felt like he played no part in it. He was saddened that something as small as making dinner was so gratifying to his husband.

\--------------------

“Aaahhhh,” Dean sighed happily when he slipped his body into the warm pool. “Holy shit, do you have any idea how good this feels?”

“No, but I can try to imagine,” Cas smiled. “Shit, I left our towels in the changing room. I’ll be right back.”

Dean had his eyes closed and was moving his legs in the chest deep water when he heard his name. He looked up at the young physical therapist and flashed her a charming grin. She looked at his ring and then around the pool area. “Is your wife here?”

“Uh no,” Dean smiled. 

“Well, we like our patients to have somebody here while we go through the exercises. It’s usually best if it’s your spouse.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure that my wife isn’t going to show.” Dean could see Cas walking towards them out of the corner of his eye. “Hey baby,” he said when Cas dropped the towels on the concrete and sat on the edge with his legs dangling in the water.

“Hey. So, what do you need me to do?”

“You’re here to…”

Cas saw the confusion in the poor girl’s eyes and Dean’s grin. He ran his hands up his face and groaned quietly. “Yeah, I’m here with him. I’m his husband.”

“Oh, okay. Well you can either sit on the edge or get in the pool, just as long as you can see and hear us while we go through an exercise routine.”

Cas nodded and slid in the pool, listening and watching as she showed Dean how to stretch his back and move his legs in the water. He didn’t realize that he’d grown used to the shadow of pain in Dean’s eyes until it was gone. He could see the beautiful and clear shade of green, he could feel it. The freedom and physical reprieve that his husband felt. The appointment was over and the therapist let them know that they would only need to meet with her for an evaluation before Dean switched to land based therapy. He needed to exercise in the water two to three times a week and sit in the hot tub with his back against the jets. They thanked her and Dean winked at Cas when she walked away.

\--------------------

“Why do you do that shit?” Cas laughed.

“Because I can,” Dean moved in the water and reached for him. “She asked me if my wife was here and I told her no. It’s not my fault that people make assumptions.”

“Okay, that I get,” Cas moved into Dean’s arms. “But you have way too much fun with it.”

“Sometimes,” Dean murmured, sliding his body between Cas’s legs, reaching to wrap them around his waist. “Oh god, do you have any idea how good it feels to be in between your legs?”

“Yeah, actually I do,” Cas said quietly, letting Dean hold him against the warm tile, their chests pressed together. Cas was growing hard before they kissed. It was deep and slow, Cas gripping Dean’s shoulders, Dean’s hands cupping and squeezing his ass. “We probably shouldn’t be doing this in here,” Cas whispered when Dean broke the kiss to run his lips along Cas’s neck.

“No, we probably shouldn’t,” Dean said quietly, sucking and nipping. “We probably shouldn’t do this either.” He pulled away from the wall, still holding Cas’s legs around him and moved towards the steps. “Okay, sit on the second one.”

“What?”

“You sit on that step, I can kneel on this one down here without hurting my leg, do I need to spell the rest out for you?”

“You’re going to give me a…” Cas felt Dean pull his board shorts down his hips and wrap his fingers around his cock. “Oh god,” he leaned back. “You’re going to give me a blow job in the pool,” he moaned. He gasped when he felt Dean’s rough tongue slide across his sensitive head, his hand slowly stroking. He felt the wet warmth of Dean’s mouth and gave himself over to the gentle suction, the tongue swirling around the silky skin of his shaft, Dean taking more of him down his throat with each dip of his head. He opened his eyes and watched his cock slide between those full lips, feeling the tightness and throbbing. Dean moaned around him, sending a chill through his body, his hips gently bucking. His fingers reached for Dean’s hair when he felt his throat open and the soft contractions while he swallowed the warm sticky come. Cas’s chest was heaving, his lip swollen from where he’d bitten it to hold in the cry. Dean pulled his shorts back up and slid forward to press their lips together. “That kind of shit can get us kicked out of here,” Cas said quietly, still trying to catch his breath.

“Then we’ll just find another pool.”

“Good plan, we’ll go with that.”

\--------------------

“How do you feel?” Cas smiled.

“I almost fell asleep in the hot tub,” Dean grinned at him.

“I know. I was ready to pull you out of the water if you did.” 

They were walking across the parking lot, Dean only using one crutch and not needing Cas’s help until they got to the car. “Tell me again why I have to climb into this fucking thing.”

“Uh, because you won’t let me drive the Impala.”

“Ah, that’s right,” Dean sighed, happily tilting his head back while he waited for Cas to get in and start the engine. He turned and looked at his husband, thinking about everything that he had done without complaint. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Cas smiled, his eyes bright when he leaned over and kissed Dean slowly. “I will say I do like the water therapy.”

“You mean the blow job in the pool?” Dean grinned.

“That part was incredible, but not just that. Seeing you relaxed, not in pain, it’s uh…” Cas’s voice caught. “It’s just something I miss.”

Dean reached for his hand and pulled it to his lips, pressing them against each knuckle. “I can’t imagine my life without your moment of weakness,” he whispered, letting Cas feel the cold metal of his wedding ring against his palm.

\--------------------

Dean heard the alert and opened his computer. “Hey Sammy.”

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

“Um, a little better. So what’s up?”

Dean gratefully took the offered drink from Cas’s hand and felt Cas settle on the couch next to him. 

“Well, I talked to your attorney and it sounds like they have all of the paperwork that they need. Medical records, statements from the witnesses, photos of the equipment. It’s a solid case.”

“Can you talk to him on the record?”

“Well, that’s kind of gray area. Let’s just say that we had a conversation attorney to attorney discussing a hypothetical case.”

“Smart,” Cas smiled at the computer screen. “So what do we need to do?”

“Let him do the work. Chances are they’ll settle instead of taking it to court. He’s asking for lost wages, not only from Kripke but from Novak Architecture...”

“I’m listed as a consultant, can they do that?” Dean took a sip of his drink and leaned back, pulling Cas closer.

“Uh yeah. Novak Architecture is in a position of losing possible clientele due to their design specialist’s inability to work. They’re also asking for your current medical bills as well as a projected $20,000 in future medical bills.”

“$20,000?”

“Yeah,” Sam shrugged. “Your therapy, the possibility of a secondary surgery…”

“Oh hell no,” Dean shook his head. “Secondary surgery is not going to happen.”

“Probably not, but if there is a possibility, they will go after it. They’re asking for six figures just for pain and suffering.”

“And you really think that they’ll settle?”

“Let’s just say that I talked to an attorney in Maine about it and he seems to think that if I had a similar case, I would probably get a settlement.”

“But it will drag out for months?” Cas questioned.

“Most likely. But, I don’t see you losing this one. It’s just going to take time. Now that we’re done with the legal shit, how is everything? ‘Fine’ and ‘okay’ are not acceptable answers.”

Dean shook his head and smiled. “I’m doing better. I’ve started physical therapy. I’m down to one crutch, unless you count my husband who still has to help me up and down the stairs. I’m getting there.”

“Good. Well, I can hear my phone going off so I need to let you go. Take care and let me know if you need anything.”

“Thanks, Sam,” Cas smiled. “We really appreciate your help.”

“No problem. Have a good night.”

Dean closed his computer and laid back on the couch, pulling Cas with him. “A six figure settlement would be nice.”

“Mmmm hmmm,” Cas murmured from where he was sliding his lips across Dean’s neck.

“Starting something, huh?” Dean grinned, setting his drink on the coffee table and shifting his body to pull Cas closer. He caught Cas in a deep kiss, their tongues sliding together almost desperately. Dean moaned softly when he felt the gentle fingers slide up his chest, skimming across his sensitive nipples. Cas closed his eyes and took a breath before running his hand down Dean’s stomach to cup his crotch through his pajama pants. He squeezed and rubbed gently until Dean wrapped his fingers around his wrist and pulled his hand away. “Don’t worry about me,” Dean whispered. Cas sighed, and leaned his forehead against Dean’s shoulder.

“You’re not even going to let me…”

“Cas…”

“What, Dean?” he lifted his head and their eyes met. “You want to ignore the elephant in the room?”

“Yeah,” Dean let out a deep breath and sat up. “I do.”

“We can’t. It’s not fair to either one of us. I looked into it. Nerve damage in the lower back is a common cause of temporary…”

“Wait, you looked into it?”

“Yes,” Cas could see that Dean was getting upset, but they needed to talk about it. “I had to. You’re frustrated, I can’t just pretend like you’re not.”

“So you looked into it.”

“I did. Is that a problem? It’s not like Google is going to be judgmental. I just wanted to know for your benefit.”

Dean ran his hands up his face and sighed. “You went online to find out why your husband can’t get it up.”

“What do you expect me to do? Lay next to you, satisfied, and tell myself that it’s okay not to reciprocate? To not to even try? I knew that you didn’t want to talk about it and I’ve respected that and stayed quiet.”

“Until now.”

“Yes, until now. I want to touch you, I want to taste you, and I don’t care where the blood flows and where it doesn’t. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health. I know, we didn’t say those words because I didn’t think that we needed to. You silently stood by me when I went through something painful and cathartic. You may have been in that guest house, but I knew that you were with me.” Cas pressed their foreheads together and ran his hand down Dean’s stomach, sliding it under the waistband of his pants. He felt Dean’s body tense when he started to gently touch him. “Can you feel it?” he whispered. “When I touch you, can you feel it?”

“Yeah,” Dean said quietly, letting his body relax against the couch. “I feel it and every cell in my body wants you.”

Cas kissed Dean softly and wrapped his fingers around his wrist, leading his hand down his own body. “Touch me.”

Dean groaned and felt himself start to throb, start to get hard. He was disappointed when it didn’t last, but Cas didn’t react. He continued to touch and squeeze while Dean stroked his hard cock. He pushed Dean’s t-shirt up and came on his stomach with a soft cry. He felt Dean grab the box of tissues and took it out of his hand, cleaning up the mess that he’d made. Dean reached for him and he let himself be pulled into his arms, kissing him softly before laying his head on his shoulder. He’d felt Dean twitch in his hand and he knew that this was temporary. They just needed to be patient.

\--------------------

“I have to admit, I am going to miss this pool.”

“It’s not like we can’t come back,” Cas smiled.

“Do you find any irony in the fact that we’ve been using the pool at the University?”

“I didn’t until you gave me a blow job.”

“Ah,” Dean chuckled. “So for the first hour there was no sense of irony, but when I sucked your dick on the very campus where you were sexually harassed, you saw it.”

“I wouldn’t say irony, more like a sense of satisfaction in following up my infamous ‘fuck off’ with said blow job. So land based therapy. Nervous?”

Dean sighed, letting Cas help him get into the car. “Maybe a little.”

“I doubt you can get away with give me a blow job in a gym,” Cas smiled, starting the engine.

“Is that a challenge?”

\--------------------

Cas sat on a weight bench, trying to ignore the underlying contention. It was obvious to him that Dean didn’t trust the physical therapist. He was quiet and reluctant. Cas took a booklet and other paperwork from the therapist’s hand at the end of the session and handed Dean his crutch. He followed him slowly through the gym, opening the door for him on their way out.

“Should we call and make an appointment with a different therapist?”

“I don’t know, Cas,” Dean groaned, running his hands down his face. He leaned his head back and pulled the seatbelt across his body, waiting for Cas to get in and start the car. “Will it really matter? The workouts will all be the same bullshit.”

“We don’t know if it’s bullshit. That guy went to school for this, he has a degree. You need to give this a chance and not just shut down.”

“I am not shutting down. I used to spend ten, sometimes twelve hours on my feet walking through construction sites, climbing up and down ladders, crawling around on roofs. Now I’m being told that I am allowed a low resistance workout.” Dean scoffed. “I have a rod in my leg and the bone is healing around it, so why in the hell am I relegated to doing a daily workout that isn’t even an actual workout? No weights, no walking…”

“It isn’t just your leg, Dean.”

“Yeah, I know. Well aware that my back is fucked up.”

“Which is why they want you to do this slowly,” Cas tried not to audibly sigh. “The doctor said that injuries like this are painful and difficult to recover from. It’s only been a couple of months.”

“They said three or four months.”

“Right, and it’s only been a couple of months. Am I saying that a month from now you’ll be able to get rid of the crutch? No. What I’m saying is that there is a specific way of doing things to get you back on your feet. You either do it or you don’t, nobody can force you. But, you can’t finish one session already feeling defeated. That’s just self sabotage. If you don’t like this guy, we will find somebody different.”

“It doesn’t fucking matter who it is,” Dean muttered, turning his head to look out the window. “I can’t go up and down the stairs or shower, but least I can take a piss by myself. I guess that’s a win.”

Cas just concentrated on the road ahead of them. All he could do was be patient and try to understand. He had nothing else to offer.

\-------------------- 

They were silent going up the stairs, silent getting ready for the shower, silent as Dean leaned against Cas under the warm water. Dean was contrite. Cas felt it, but subtly turned away from the apologetic handjob. 

\--------------------

Silence became small talk while Cas cooked dinner. They didn’t talk about the therapy or Dean’s injuries. They didn’t talk about the business. They talked about books, movies, and music. Things that had always been common ground. They were quiet when Cas poured drinks and they laid together on the couch, Dean’s back against Cas’s chest. Cas wrapped his arms around his husband and held his hand over his heart. Knowing that it was beating, hearing his laugh, smelling his skin, that was enough. It had to be.

They both started to doze off, pulling blankets over their bodies instead of climbing the stairs again. Spending the night on the couch was an unspoken agreement when they murmured words of love and kissed softly before letting themselves fall asleep.

\--------------------

The appointments with the physical therapist had become a silent hostility that played out while Cas sat quietly on a weight bench. Dean felt like things had become stagnant, the therapist felt like Dean was trying to push himself too hard, Cas kept his opinion to himself. 

The therapist finally conceded and cancelled Dean’s upcoming appointments. He gave Cas a list of equipment that Dean could use to work out at home and handed him another booklet. He acrimoniously wished Dean good luck and didn’t offer a handshake when they left.

\--------------------

“So, did he just break up with me?”

“I think you just experienced a conscious uncoupling,” Cas sighed. “I’m not even going to bother to ask if you want to find another therapist.”

“You do realize that is basically a passive aggressive way of asking me if I want to find another therapist.”

“Okay, then I guess I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

“Cas,” Dean tried to turn in his seat but his breath caught and his eyes closed when he felt the sharp pain in his lower back. “Fuck!” he muttered, leaning back with his jaw clenched. 

“What?” Cas glanced at Dean, watched him take a few shallow breaths before he turned his eyes back to the road.

“Do I have any pain pills left?” 

“Probably. Your back?”

“Yeah,” Dean said quietly. “Is this one of those karmic moments?”

“No,” Cas shook his head. “This is one of those moments when you realize that maybe we need to sit down and figure out how we’re going to get your stubborn ass walking on both legs. I don’t doubt that you can do it and I don’t doubt that you are willing to put in the work. You couldn’t do things his way, that’s fine. We’ll do things your way. I just need to know what your way is.”

\--------------------

Dean laid back against the pillows and wrapped his arms around Cas. “I’m sorry, baby,” he said quietly.

“There is nothing to be sorry for. I knew after your first appointment that it was not going to work. We have a couple of booklets, we have a list of equipment that I can go buy tomorrow, we’ll throw on some vinyl and you’ll work your ass off in the den. If you don’t want to do it, then my only course of action is to call your mother and tell on you.”

“Would you really do that?”

“Oh yeah,” Cas tilted his head and searched for Dean’s eyes in the dark. “It is not an empty threat. You’ll go right back to two daily calls. At least two. Maybe I can play it up and get three. And now that she knows how to facetime…”

“You are such an asshole,” Dean smiled, dipping his head to kiss his husband. Their lips parted slowly, their tongues moved against one another. Cas turned and pressed their chests together, moaning softly when Dean’s hands ran down his back and squeezed his ass. He wanted to slide his body over, settle between Dean’s legs, but he didn’t dare. He’d heard the gasp and watched Dean’s jaw clench in the car. He broke the kiss and took a deep breath.

“Okay, this definitely is not a low resistance workout. At least not one that is approved by most physical therapists.”

“We don’t know that,” Dean murmured, sliding his hands up Cas’s back. “And I promise that you will get very little resistance from me.”

“Well, what you brain says and what your body feels are two entirely different things right now,” Cas smiled, pressing their lips together then laying his head on Dean’s chest. 

“Yeah, I know,” Dean sighed, trailing his fingers up and down Cas’s arm.

\--------------------

Cas was watching Dean try to get comfortable on the couch. “Do you want me to rub your back?”

“I’m fine,” Dean moaned.

“I know that you did something to it yesterday. If it hurts…”

“I’m fine. If it gets bad enough I’ll take a pain pill.”

“Do you want the heating pad?”

“Cas,” Dean sighed. “I said that I’m fine.”

Cas took a deep breath. Dean had been miserable all day. They’d tried a hot shower, they’d tried Ibuprofen, but it barely took the edge off. “I’ll go pick up that band thing and pad that the therapist suggested and get something for dinner while I’m out.”

“I can cook.”

Cas swallowed hard and lifted his eyes to the ceiling. “Please don’t do this stubborn martyr bullshit. I am not the enemy, I am your husband, and I am trying to help you.”

Dean cringed when he heard the back door. He knew that he was being an asshole, he knew that Cas didn’t deserve it. He poured a drink and impatiently scrolled through the DVR until he heard Cas’s car pull up the driveway.

\--------------------

Cas dropped a grease soaked paper sack on the coffee table and a plastic bag on the floor next to the couch then silently walked out of the den. Dean could hear him moving around in the kitchen, opening the refrigerator, the clinking of glass bottles. He sat up and reached for the bag on the floor. Everything that the therapist had suggested, anything that had caught Cas’s eye, it was all there. By the time Cas sat down with a beer in each hand Dean had a booklet sitting open on the coffee table. “After we eat I guess I should figure out how to do things my way.”

“Yeah, you probably should,” Cas said quietly.

\--------------------

Cas was standing in the doorway of the den watching. Dean was on the floor doing his exercises with the music loud and hadn’t heard him come in the back door. It was cold enough outside that Cas had to use the defroster in his car, but Dean was working up a sweat. Cas felt the stirrings in his stomach, but chose to ignore it. He still silently handed Dean heating pads and ibuprofen for his back. He spent hours massaging, kissing, trying to touch his husband, but Dean had found subtle ways to avoid Cas’s hands and mouth. 

He quietly propped the gift that he had for Dean against the wall of the den and went into the kitchen to start unpacking groceries.

\--------------------

Cas heard the music stop and waited for Dean’s voice.

“Hey Cas?”

“Yeah?” he called. He heard the distant grunt followed by rhythmic thumping of the crutch as Dean came down the hallway.

“Uh, what’s this?”

“Do I really have to explain it?” he asked, smiling.

“Well no. I mean I get it, it’s a cane but where did you get it and why is it here?”

“I know that you’re sick of the crutch. You can put enough weight on your leg that all you need is a cane. I considered getting you a top hat and monocle to go with it, but I thought it might be a bit much,” Cas grinned. “Did you try it?”

“No. I uh, I’m too used to having this fucking thing in my armpit all of the time.”

“So try it out.” Cas watched Dean tentatively lean his crutch against the wall and wrap his hand around the wooden cane. He made it to the table and dropped into a chair. “Well?”

“Not bad. I had to put more weight on my leg, but it didn’t hurt. Where in the hell did you get this?”

“The guest house.”

“Wait, you made this?”

“No, I was cleaning the guest house and found it stashed in a secret room behind the bookcase. Yes I made it. Believe it or not I actually acquired a little woodworking skill.”

“I know you did. But you really did this?”

“Yes,” Cas chuckled. “It wasn’t hard. I got a hold of some mahogany and cut it from a single piece so that there are no weak spots or joints.”

“You also hand oiled it and detailed it. How long did this take?” Dean asked quietly, lifting his head and looking at his husband with soft eyes.

“Total hours? I have no fucking idea. It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter. This is all done by hand, no power tools. I don’t know how many coats of oil you put on it, but I know it’s a lot more than one. And this detail work. Wait...did you seriously hand carve that into it?”

“Yeah,” Cas grinned. “Call it sentimentality with an undercurrent of optimistic faith.”

“The first song we ever listened to out in that guest house was…”

“Iron Man from that old Black Sabbath album that you bought for me.”

“And you carved the lyrics…”

“Not all of them, just a few.”

Dean stood from the table and leaned some of his bodyweight on the cane, crossing the kitchen to wrap his arms around Cas. “This is easily one of the cheesiest things that anybody has ever done.”

“So you like it?” Cas murmured against Dean’s lips.

“I love it. Can we burn the crutches?”

“They’re aluminum, I’m pretty sure they won’t burn easily.”

“Challenge accepted, but I’ll wait until spring. Thank you, baby. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

“Some people romantically carve their initials, I carved song lyrics. Now it would be ridiculously cheesy if the rod in your leg was actually made of iron and/or Black Sabbath had recorded a song titled Titanium Man...”

“You invited me into your home because of Iron Man,” Dean smiled, kissing Cas lightly. “I love your overly sentimental notions.”

“You can be just as sentimental as I can. Now, I need to finish unpacking these groceries. Oh, I booked our flights to Kansas City.”

“You are amazing,” Dean whispered.

“Woodworking, grocery shopping, and travel planning. I am kind of a triple threat, aren’t I?” Cas grinned.

\--------------------

Dean felt good, better than he had in weeks. He cooked too much pasta, they drank too much wine, and he looked at Cas attentively. 

They were tipsy when they climbed the stairs and Cas grinned when Dean asked him to start a fire in the fireplace.

\--------------------

Cas was needy and they kissed deeply, the low fire throwing shadows on the bedroom walls. Dean was receptive, sliding his full lips down Cas’s neck and across his shoulder, sucking and gently nipping at the tender skin. Cas moved his way down Dean’s body, pulling a sensitive nipple between his teeth to gently bite, his fingers running along the ridges of muscle under the taut skin of Dean’s chest and stomach. He was hard, painfully hard when he touched Dean, running his tongue up his flaccid shaft. They hadn’t spoken about it since the day in the den, Cas hadn’t touched his husband since the day in the den, but Dean didn’t pull away from him tonight. He felt the throbbing in his hand, the slow fullness in his mouth, but wouldn’t let himself hold out hope. He pushed away the sting of disappointment when I didn’t last. He felt Dean moving and saw the small bottle on the mattress. “I want you inside of me.”

Cas sat up slowly and looked at his husband. “I don’t want to…”

“You won’t hurt me,” Dean smiled softly. Cas leaned forward and caught him in a long and lingering kiss, reaching for the bottle. He sat up and dripped some on his fingers, hoping that touching the spot inside would help him. He slid in the first finger and found it, gently skimming his finger across the smooth spot that made his husband writhe. The second finger brought a gasp and a slow rocking against his hand. He waited and watched, desperately wanting Dean to get hard, to experience this with him. “One more,” Dean moaned, lifting his hips. Cas stretched and pulled, finally burying his cock. It had been months and Dean’s body had never felt so good. He felt the subtle wince when Dean spread his legs, and the sharp intake of breath when he leaned his body forward to press their lips together. He started to rock, but could see Dean biting his lip, hear him taking shallow breaths. He stopped moving and sat up, kneeling between his husband’s legs. “Dean?” He felt the groan that his husband was trying to hold in. “I’m okay,” Dean’s voice was quiet and strained. “Keep going, just finish.” Cas sighed and pulled out, rolling on his back.

“You didn’t have to stop.”

“Yes, I did. I can’t look at you, know that you’re in pain, and ‘just finish’. How selfish...how big of an asshole would I be if I went into this with the intention of just getting off? You’re not ready for this, Dean.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what? Something that you have absolutely no control over? What if I’d kept going? What if it fucked up your leg or your back even worse than it already is? It is not worth taking that risk. All we can do is be patient. Now, let me help you up and we’ll get in the shower.”

\--------------------

“Do we have any extra pillows?”

“Uh yeah,” Cas gave Dean a confused look. “There are some in the guest room. Why?”

“So that I can put one between my knees and actually sleep on my side without my back hurting.”

Cas quietly left the room and came back with a couple of pillows, shoving one under Dean’s lower back and hip. He helped Dean fold the other in half and tuck it between his knees. He crawled into bed and slid backwards until he felt Dean’s chest against his back, his arms wrapped around him, his lips pressed against the back of his neck. It was something he hadn’t felt since before the accident. “I love you,” he said quietly.

“I love you too,” Dean murmured, pulling him close. He stayed awake for hours, watching the patterns of the low dancing flames on the ceiling and walls, waiting for Cas’s soft even breaths. He didn’t know how many nights he spent listening to his husband sleep, hating his body for failing him, for failing them.

\--------------------

Cas looked up and smiled when Dean set the mug on the table in front of him. “Thanks.”

“No need to thank me. Remember, I am contractually obligated to cook.”

“I think that was more of a verbal agreement, but I’ll take it.”

“Good.” Dean bent down to kiss Cas before turning to the stove. “So, I was thinking that maybe we should go out tonight. Get out of this house and do something.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, maybe dinner.”

“Are you sure? I mean your leg and it’s freezing out there…”

“It gets freezing in here. Let’s go to that place in Belleville. It’s been months since we’ve actually gone anywhere other than the coffee shop or the deli.”

“If you feel up to it, then I’m in.”

“Really? It was that easy?” Dean smiled.

“I’ve spent months calling the shots and coddling you,” Cas sighed. “Maybe I’ve gone about it the wrong way. If you say that you want to go somewhere, I have to trust you. I have to trust that you know your limits and aren’t going to push yourself too hard.”

“Is this about…”

“No,” Cas shook his head. “This is about you knowing what you can and can’t do. There are things that you’re not ready for. If you want to get the hell out of this town for a night, then let’s get the hell out of town.”

“Yeah, okay,” Dean nodded. He’d expected Cas to push back, he’d gotten used to Cas pushing back. He didn’t know if he felt liberated or let down. He was over sensitive and anxious, he had been for months. He’d felt Cas’s disappointment rolling in waves the night before while he’d laid in the dark holding him, taking in the scent of his skin and low murmuring when his body shifted in his sleep. He felt less like a partner and more like a hindrance with every day that passed. At least tonight he could look into his husband’s eyes in the dim light of a restaurant. They could leave the suffocation that had permeated the house and live. He’d said it to Cas so many times, now he needed to convince himself that they were living. He plated the food and returned Cas’s warm smile. He let himself laugh when they talked about the night Cas took him to that same restaurant for his birthday; the cake and the singing. He desperately wanted to go to the shore, but Cas was right, he needed to trust himself and admit that they couldn’t. He wasn’t there yet. 

\--------------------

Cas knew that watching Dean get dressed, watching him slide his jeans up his thighs and pull a shirt around his shoulders would always take his breath away. The way that he assuredly worked the shirt buttons and rolled the cuffs up his forearms, the way he would stand after he’d tied his boots and hold his arms out slightly with a smirk on his face, looking for approval. Cas smiled to himself as he sat on the edge of the bed and rested his foot on the frame, bending over to tie his own boots. He’d been fighting the voice inside of him, using reason and logic to talk over it. What was happening, it was reasonable and logical. It was medical and not something that came with a quick fix. He needed to be patient and understanding, and he was trying. He’d been trying. There was a solid explanation, but at times irrational thoughts seeped in. He sighed, almost inaudibly, and stood up. Dean was smiling, that playful look in his eyes was usually followed by sexual innuendo, but not tonight. They embraced, Dean kissed him as deeply as he dared and murmured the depths of his love. Cas was left feeling selfish and juvenile. He loved his husband, he loved him with every ounce of his being and this was such a small thing. He pulled Dean closer and whispered the sweet words that were always there under the surface, just waiting for his voice. They smiled and left the house, Cas wondering if he should have called the restaurant and lied about it being Dean’s birthday, hoping that they wouldn’t remember when he’d done it almost two years ago. 

\--------------------

“For the first time you are not allowed to come around the passenger side and help me. I have this badass cane that will probably come in handy if we’re ever in a confrontational situation and need immediate weaponry, and I will use it to get myself out of this monster that you call a car,” Dean grinned.

“Hey, not my first choice in vehicles. I had to go the responsible route and make business related decisions. As much as I’d love something a little more interesting, I don’t know that pieces of restorative woodwork hanging out of a backseat window or being shoved in a trunk would look professional. When our bank account is finally busting at the seams, I’ll invest in something sporty.”

“Something classic.”

“Okay, sporty and classic.”

“I can live with that,” Dean shrugged, dropping his weight on to his good leg and sliding his body out of the car. “Look at that, I did it, and I feel like a small child for actually being proud of myself. Now get over here and give your no longer completely helpless husband a kiss.”

Cas ignored his hesitancy and wrapped his arms around Dean, pressing their lips together softly. Dean’s hand slid down his back, squeezing his ass, encouraging him to part his lips. He felt himself starting to grow hard and stepped back. “We’re going to freeze our asses off out here and I’m starving.”

“Lead the way,” Dean grinned, reaching for Cas’s hand. 

\--------------------

Cas watched Dean walk towards the bathroom, the small limp and cane somehow making him even sexier. He looked around the crowded lobby, wondering how long it would take to get a table when he heard it.

“Oh my god, Cas?”

He turned around and smiled. “Meg. What in the hell are you doing up here? I thought you were still in Boston.”

“Well, the company asked Mark to come up here and help set up a small district office. We knew that he’d be gone for a few months so instead of doing the whole see each other on the weekends thing we decided to rent a house.”

“He’s still in sales?”

“Of course,” Meg smiled. “That man could sell matchsticks in hell. So how about you? How have you been? You know, you are really bad at sending Christmas cards.”

“Yeah,” Cas chuckled. “Not exactly my strong suit. Well, to get the depressing shit out of the way, you know that Hester passed away.”

“Yes, and I am still so sorry to hear that.”

“Thanks,” Cas looked at the floor. “Both of my parent’s are gone too. They died about six months apart.”

“Oh Cas,” Meg reached out and squeezed his arm. “Are you okay? I mean I know…”

“The history?” Cas finally lifted his head and smiled. “Then you know that I’m fine.”

“And you’re still teaching?”

“Uh no,” Cas chuckled again. “A lot of changes. I left the University and started my own business last year. You are looking at an actual architect now, not just a guy who claims to be one. It took a few months but we’ve been lucky and working pretty consistently.”

“That’s amazing,” she said, wrapping her arms around his neck for a quick hug. She stepped back and smiled, looking pointedly at his ring. “And I’ve been replaced.” She laughed.

“Hey, there is no replacement for your practice spouse,” Cas smiled. “But yes, I am remarried. We met about 3 ½ years ago and got married this last April.”

“Okay, who is she? Where did you meet her? And most importantly, is she prettier than me?” Meg chuckled.

“I guess the best way to start with your trifecta of questions is to drop what most consider a bomb. I married a man.”

“Did I ruin you for women?” Meg smiled impishly.

“I’d like to think that I did.” Cas heard the low voice behind him.

“Meg, this is my husband Dean. Dean, Meg.” Dean smiled, and reached his hand out to shake hers. He’d seen pictures of the petite brunette, but always tucked her away as part of Cas’s past. A part of his life that he needed to leave behind him.

“Wow, he is prettier than me,” she winked at Dean. “It looks like Mark found a table. We’re renting a house in Farmington. We should get together. I can give you my number. Unless it’s too awkward…”

“Not at all,” Cas smiled, handing her his phone. “Tell Mark that I said hello.”

“He’ll want to stop by your table and chat before we leave. You know how he is,” she shrugged, handing Cas’s phone back to him. “It was great seeing you, and great meeting you.”

Cas and Dean watched her walk across the restaurant and heard the hostess tell them that their table was ready.

\--------------------

Dean was quiet until the waiter set his drink in front of him and picked it up, tilting it to his lips. “So that was interesting.”

“What? Meg?”

“Yeah.”

“Threw me off guard a little,” Cas shook his head. “Running into them in Boston wouldn’t have been a surprise, but up here? Part of the beauty of living up here is that I don’t run into anyone from my past. But,” Cas closed the menu and slid it across the table. “At least it wasn’t one of those drama filled moments like I had with the Novak’s. This time it was a friendly face.”

“She seems sweet.”

“She really is. Now, let’s order a meal that we will probably pay too much for, even though we have a refrigerator full of food, and relax.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Dean smiled, raising his glass again. 

\--------------------

Their hands were clasped together and resting on the table. They shared laughter and smiles while they planned their Winchester Christmas. There was still shopping to be done and they were trying to figure out if they had time to make something excessive for Claire. Cas said maybe a desk, Dean thought possibly a hope chest. Dean saw the couple approaching their table in his periphery.

“I heard rumors that congratulations are in order.” 

Cas smiled and stood to shake Mark’s hand. “Yes, they are. Mark, this is my husband Dean.”

Dean stood, trying not to groan when he felt the sharp pain in his back, and held out his hand. “Dean Winchester.”

“It’s nice to meet you. You know, every year like clockwork Meg hands me a card to sign and then tells me how much she worries about this guy being up here in Maine all alone. I guess now that conversation won’t be happening,” Mark smiled at Dean.

“Not if I can help it,” Dean smiled back. “I heard that you are living in Farmington. Your wife suggested that we get together sometime.”

“Isn’t Farmington a…”

“A few towns over?” Cas laughed. “You’ll learn that everything is a few towns over. I’d love for you to come by and see the house. Dean helped me renovate it and it looks amazing.”

“Wow, he’s a keeper,” Meg grinned.

“Well, yeah he is, but that’s how we met. He was the foreman on the project and I was able to convince him to stick around after the renovation was finished,” Cas winked at Dean.

“I’d love to hear the story, if it’s not too personal.”

“Not to personal at all,” Dean smiled. “According to our sister-in-law it’s adorable. And I officially hate myself for saying that.”

“Okay, well we need to get going. I’m guessing that my wife will be calling you to catch up. It was nice meeting you, Dean.”

“You too,” Dean reached for both of their hands, shaking Mark’s firmly while Cas hugged Meg.

“Nice people,” Dean said, running his finger distractedly around the rim of his glass.

“They are. I really haven’t spent a lot of time around Mark. It definitely took some time for him to warm up to me.”

“I can see why. A good looking ex husband might make things a little awkward.”

“Well, now that he’s met my good looking husband, I’m pretty sure that any lingering jealousy he may have has now faded,” Cas chuckled. “Sadly, the closest thing that I’ve had as friends are my ex wife and her husband, who send me an annual Christmas card. So, do you really think that a nine year old needs a hope chest? I mean we could do some incredible design work on a desk.”

“It will cost a shit ton to have shipped.”

“This is Claire,” Cas grinned.

“You’re right,” Dean grinned back. “Anything for the princess. Maybe we could go with a full vanity…”

\--------------------

Dean tried to focus on his book. He knew that he needed to stop thinking about it. She was an all American beauty, yet a little exotic. The smile that was more like a friendly smirk, her dark and welcoming eyes, her petite build. She was the kind of girl that ‘Kansas’ Dean would have picked out of a crowd and used his best lines on. She wasn’t shaken or outwardly surprised when Cas introduced him as his husband, she was relieved and genuinely happy for her ex. Mark was good looking and amiable. He seemed like the type of guy you could go out and have a drink with. And Dean wanted to dislike them. 

“Is that the book you borrowed?” Cas climbed into bed and interrupted Dean’s reverie.

“Yeah,” Dean said gratefully. “The political structure of the Russian Revolution. I’ve always gone the American history route, but this is some fascinating shit. I mean this beer drinking blue collar asshole is over here having serious feels for the Romanov family. I would tell you to keep that between us, but I already blew my cover,” Dean grinned. “Now you’re going to be stuck listening to me talk about European history.”

“I don’t mind at all. That’s why I own the books. We grew up in the Cold War era and the history behind it is incredible.”

“God, you took a small time nerd and turned him full blown.”

“No, I dragged the big time nerd kicking and screaming out into the world,” Cas smiled. He settled against the headboard and leaned his head on Dean’s shoulder. “Without that nerd we wouldn’t have a wine cellar, I wouldn’t have this ring on my finger, and I would still feel like I’m alone in this world.”

“You are far from alone,” Dean turned his head and kissed Cas softly. 

“I know,” Cas said quietly, leaning forward and twisting his body to move his pillows around. “I don’t know how you do it,” he yawned. “The drive to the restaurant, the big meal, and then the drive back. I’m fucking worn out.” He reached for Dean’s hand and pulled the blanket up.

“You’re going to?...I mean I can turn the lamp off.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Cas murmured. “We fall asleep in the den all of the time with the TV on in the middle of the day. The light is no big deal.” He lifted his head for another kiss and rolled on his side, their fingers still weaved together and their hands pressed against his chest. “Goodnight Dean,” he yawned again.

“Goodnight baby,” Dean whispered.

\--------------------

They both heard Cas’s phone buzz from where it was sitting on the kitchen counter. Cas looked at Dean and shrugged, nobody ever called him. He stood up and reached for his phone and cup of coffee simultaneously. “Novak Architecture and Design...Oh, it’s good to hear from you…”

Dean watched his retreating back as he walked down the hallway. He was pacing, Dean heard the low hum of his voice, but couldn’t make out what he was saying. He was standing by the coffee maker, putting in a new pod when Cas came back into the kitchen.

“So, that was Benny Lafitte.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t expecting that.”

“What did he want? Do you want some more coffee?”

Cas smiled and handed his mug to Dean. “Do you remember his brother who knows a guy? Apparently he’s on the board of a historic preservation committee. They have a town hall in Ashland that a private buyer was interested in, but he planned to demolish and rebuild. They were able to get it registered with the Historical Society and block the sale. They want to renovate it and turn it into a library. The guy was so impressed with the Lafitte reno that he wants to put our name in to come out and look at it. They need to get a budget proposal in by the end of the year and so they want an estimate as soon as they can get one.”

“Interior or exterior?”

“Both, I wanted to tell him that we’re not in a position to do either, but the job won’t start until after the first of the year and our name would be on record with the Historical Society and the preservation committee. I told him that we could come out and look at the interior. I can call him back…”

“Oh fuck no. Every big job we get we tell ourselves that this is the one, but this is the one. There won’t be a paragraph hidden somewhere in the lifestyle section of the newspaper, there will be actual write ups with this. So what do we need to do?” 

“He said he’d email the info through the website so that we can look it over and then call his brother’s friend and set something up. Do you really think we’re in a place to do this?”

“Of course we are.” Dean pulled Cas into his arms. “You can go look at it, take some pictures, and then we can submit an estimate. We’ll low ball this one. Shit, we’ll go into the red if we have to.”

“Wait,” Cas said, leaning back. “I’ll go look at it?”

“I can’t exactly hobble around a potential worksite.”

“Why not? So you limp a little and use a cane, that doesn’t mean anything. I need you there. I can’t do it by myself. I don’t know how you do your measurements or what formulas you use when it comes to materials and manpower.”

“I’ll teach you.”

“Absolutely not,” Cas shook his head, taking a step back. “I get that the company is attached to my last name, but it’s not just my company. We do it together or we don’t do it at all.”

“Cas, I don’t know if I’m ready…”

“To walk around taking measurements and making notes? To be charming and flash that grin? Maybe there are things that you aren’t ready for, but this isn’t one of them. You have been stuck in this house and I know that you hate it. I’m not asking you to stand outside next to heavy equipment. Shit, that’s something that I’m not ready to for you to do. This is an interior, Dean. We’ve been at this for just over a year, and somebody out there thinks that our work is good enough to be associated with the Historical Society. Our work, not mine, ours.”

“It’s a lot to take on and I’m still not 100%.”

“I hate saying this, I really do,” Cas audibly exhaled. “But there is no guarantee that you will ever be 100%. You may not bounce back from this accident completely and life may not be like it was before.”

“Are we still talking about the job?” 

“Of course we are.” Cas said quietly. Dean didn’t try to stop him when he walked out of the kitchen.

\--------------------

Cas called and set up the walk through, but things were becoming tense. Dean remembered this feeling. He remembered spending months trying to lie to himself, pretending like it wasn’t happening, refusing to admit that something was wrong. They talked, they talked about the things that they’d always talked about, but Dean’s lack of innuendo hadn’t gone unnoticed. They slept in each other’s arms, but Cas’s body had become resigned. They kissed and touched in the shower, but turned the water off when they were clean, not satiated. They had always been best friends by day, but it was the nights when they felt the slow moving rifts. Their life was possibly irrevocably changed and they needed to find a way to face that together.

\--------------------

Both of them stared at the large building almost in awe. They nervously shook the committee president’s hand and followed him on a tour, Dean taking measurements and entering notes on his iPad. This job was important and he knew that carrying around a clipboard wasn’t professional. He’d surprised Cas when he suggested that they upgrade and get rid of the clipboard entirely. They walked through two levels full of scrolling ornamentation and thick columns, balustrades and cornices. This job would be a huge undertaking and would be time consuming, but they both wanted the contract so desperately that they could physically feel it. They finally sat at a table and Cas went into architect mode. He opened his laptop and showed the committee president some examples of their work that wasn’t on the website. He talked about their ability to use the ornamentation that was already there and repair it rather than just replacing it with new pieces. He was calm, he was professional, and he didn’t remember a word that he’d said when they got back in the car. 

“Burgers and beer?”

“Yeah,” Cas said gratefully, starting the engine. “Burgers and beer.”

\--------------------

“Still going over the materials list?”

“Mmmm hmmm,” Dean mumbled. He watched Cas pick up the bag and food wrappers from the coffee table and replace his empty beer bottle with a full one. “Thanks.”

“Yeah, no problem. So how is it looking?”

“Well, we’ll need to go with maple to stay consistent. I haven’t checked the market price on that yet.”

“Even if it’s going to be painted?”

“Yep,” Dean picked up the bottle and pulled it to his lips. “We have to stay historically accurate. They didn’t give us a definitive timeframe, that won’t come until we get the contract, so man hours are a little tough to calculate.”

“Can’t we just do it here or onsite?”

“There’s a lot of work to be done. If we are only given sixty to ninety days to do it, we may have to bring in someone else to at least rough cut. There is going to be a shitload of hand carving and sanding. This is going to be tedious as hell.”

“Well,” Cas groaned. “Long day plus burgers and beer equals hot shower.”

“I agree. Let me just finish this real quick and I’ll be up.”

“Sounds good,” Cas smiled, bending down to kiss Dean.

\--------------------

Dean was looking through his notes, measurements, and pictures that he had taken, trying to remember where they could restore the existing pieces and where they would have to build new ones. He set his iPad on the couch and ran his hands down his face. He stopped and looked up when he realized that the shower was running. He made it up the stairs as fast as he could with his cane and started pulling his shirt over his head when he reached the bathroom doorway, but was stopped, rooted in place. Through the glass door of the shower he saw Cas leaning back against the tile with his eyes closed, slowly stroking himself. He felt lost, that should he his hand, that should be his body that Cas was leaning against. He pulled his shirt down watched Cas’s head tilt back, his chest begin to heave, and heard the low echo of a groan when he came. Dean couldn’t move when Cas lifted his eyes to the ceiling and quickly washed and rinsed his body. He turned off the water and stepped out, finally noticing Dean standing in the doorway when he reached for a towel.

\--------------------

“I was a little late to the party, but I caught the end of the show.”

“I can see that. And your response was to just stand in the doorway?”

“I didn’t know what else to do.”

“So dropping your clothes on the floor and actually getting in the shower with me wasn’t an option?”

“I thought about it.”

“If I’d have known that you were watching me, I might have actually enjoyed it. But I really didn’t. I’ll give you a show any time you want. All you have to do is ask,” Cas sighed, wrapping the towel loosely around his hips and brushing past Dean.

“Cas,” Dean said quietly, turning to follow his husband. “I was going over the materials list, and lost track of time. I want this contract so fucking bad…”

“I didn’t ask for an excuse. I’m not asking you for anything.”

“Yeah,” Dean scoffed, “I get that. Trust me.”

“What in the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“We tried one time. One time, Cas, and my body wasn’t ready. You haven’t touched me since.”

“Don’t put this on me,” Cas said evenly, pulling pajama pants on. “I have spent months trying to touch you and you have become a fucking expert at being tactful with your rejection.”

“It’s not rejection, Cas. This is frustrating and embarrassing and I don’t want you to feel like it’s your fault when my body doesn’t respond.”

“I don’t even know if your body would respond, you won’t let me try. And even if it doesn’t, I still want to touch you. Am I wrong for wanting that?”

“No,” Dean dropped his head. “You are not wrong for wanting that. But I can’t give you…”

“You can’t fuck me. That’s it. It’s that simple.”

“None of this is simple, Cas.”

“You’re right, it isn’t. You told me in the den that day that you could feel me, but I don’t know if that’s even true. You know, when I was going through that shit with Naomi you were always able to bring me back. I lived for those nights because in those moments everything about my life made sense. But I can’t give that to you. I can’t give anything to you other than a fucking show that I didn’t even know I was starring in. I want to, Dean. I want your life to make sense, but I can’t help you if you won’t let me. I just...I need a drink.”

Dean moved out of Cas’s way when he walked past and headed towards the stairs. He wanted to reach out, to wrap his arms around him, to assure him, but he didn’t have the words. He didn’t know what was right or wrong, who was right or wrong, he just knew that Cas didn’t want to be followed to the den. He stripped down and crawled into bed, not bothering with a shower. It was hours before he felt the mattress dip and smelled a faint whisper of scotch. He heard the soft even breaths and rolled over to wrap his arms around his sleeping husband.

\--------------------

Dean woke up alone and stared at the ceiling. They’d had arguments before, but they’d never felt this raw. Cas had been rational, he gave voice to the thoughts that they’d been denying for months. He didn’t know where things stood, and he wouldn’t know until he went downstairs. He climbed out of bed, threw some clothes on, and picked up his cane. 

\--------------------

“Hey, whatcha doing?”

Cas looked up when he heard Dean’s soft voice. “Well, I started checking the market price on maple, but I have no idea how much we’re going to need. I can try to do a rough estimate, but you have the notes and measurements. So,” he sighed, turning his laptop around on the table. “I was looking at vanity designs for Claire. I’m guessing that we’ll want to go with ash since that’s what you used for the dollhouse and I used for the toybox. I thought that we can add a mirror frame but buy the actual mirror when we get to Kansas. We’re going to have to send it in pieces and assemble it there. I don’t know if that’s going to be a problem. I doubt it will. Do you want coffee?”

Dean let out a deep breath and sat down. He could handle an angry Cas, even a broken Cas, but he never knew what to do with the passive aggressive Cas. “Uh yeah, assembling it at Sam’s shouldn’t be a problem. Cas?”

“Yeah?” Cas turned around but didn’t meet Dean’s eyes.

“Last night...I’m sorry, okay. Maybe I’m going about things the wrong way here. I’m probably going about things the wrong way. I’m broken, I know that. You have put up with so much bullshit and I hate the idea that this...any of this makes you question yourself.”

“Logically, I know that it isn’t about me. But you are pulling away, Dean, and I’m not just talking about physically. You put so much effort in pretending that everything is okay. We don’t even have these conversations unless something happens and we are forced to. You didn’t even want to do a walk through of the library because you don’t feel like you are 100%. You have never hesitated when it comes to this business. You think you’re broken, but you’re not. You have limitations right now, but we have to believe that things will get better. This is a fucking speedbump just like any of the other shit that we’ve been through. We are in this together.”

“I know,” Dean murmured, standing up and pulling Cas close. “The last thing that I want is for you to feel alone.” 

“I know it is,” Cas whispered, resting his chin on Dean’s shoulder. “I just...I need you to get in the shower instead of standing in the doorway.”

“I know,” Dean said softly, pressing his lips to Cas’s temple. 

“I love you.”

“I love you too, baby. Are we okay?”

“Yeah,” Cas said quietly. “We’re okay.”

“Why don’t you sit down and I’ll make breakfast. After we eat we can come up with a design for Claire’s vanity.”

“Sound good,” Cas sighed. A part of him wanted Dean to suggest that they go upstairs and lose themselves in another shower, make meaning out of what had felt so empty the night before. “I guess we’ll need to go to the home improvement store today to pick up the ash wood. We don’t have a lot of time to get this done.”

\--------------------

Cas wouldn’t let Dean help him carry the wood to the guest house. He didn’t want to risk him straining his back. Dean gave him a resigned sigh and quick kiss before he went inside. He’d tried to stop replaying Cas’s words from the night before, but he kept hearing them. He was pacing around the kitchen, his body full of nervous tension, when he looked out of the window and saw Cas walking around the backyard, laughing and talking on his phone.

\--------------------

“Meg just called. Her and Mark invited us to dinner tonight.”

“And?”

“And I told her that I’d talk to you and call her back.”

“I don’t know, Cas.”

“We have no friends, Dean. It might be kind of refreshing to be around people.”

“I wanted to get to work on that rough cut,” Dean muttered, opening the refrigerator and reaching for a beer. 

“Tonight?”

“The sooner the better,” Dean stood and turned to face his husband. “Why don’t you go and I’ll just chill in the guest house.”

“They invited us.”

“They don’t even know me.”

“Uh, that’s part of the reason they invited us,” Cas sat down in a kitchen chair and tried to keep the exasperation out of his voice. “They would like to get to know you.”

“I trust you to tell them about all of my charming qualities,” Dean smiled. “I really do want to get started on that shit.”

“Okay,” Cas sighed. “I’ll call her back and tell her maybe another time.”

“Cas, you should go.”

“Do you have a problem with Meg?”

“No,” Dean chuckled. “She seems like a nice girl. I just have woodworking on the brain right now.

“Okay,” Cas nodded after a long pause. “I guess I’ll let her know that I’ll be coming alone.” He pulled up her number and hit dial, while he was walking to the den. 

\--------------------

Dean hated how good Cas looked when he left the house. The perfectly fitted jeans, the tousled hair, the button down shirt. He hated himself for scrutinizing how Cas looked when he left the house. He took beer with him to the guest house and put in ear buds so that he could listen to music loud while he was using a power saw. He was mentally timing it, the drive to Farmington, a couple of hours for dinner, the drive back. He pictured it, the three of them at a table, eating and laughing, a fourth chair sitting empty. He finished most of the large pieces and went back to the house. He didn’t search the refrigerator for something he could make for dinner, he went into the den and poured a drink. There was nothing on TV, the DVR had movies and documentaries that he and Cas wanted to watch together. He finished his drink, poured another, and finished it quickly before going upstairs. The warm water was pelting his chest when he reached down and touched himself, fondling and gently squeezing, trying to make his body react. He lifted his eyes to the ceiling and sighed, finally giving up and turning the water off. The timeframe was still running through his head. Cas should have been home already. He picked up his phone, but set it down before he could make the call. Cas had called his bluff. The bed felt empty and the story of the Romanov’s uninteresting. He couldn’t stop picturing Meg at the restaurant, how Cas looked when he left the house. It was a succession of still shots, the clock, Meg, Cas. It played over and over, even after he turned off the lamp and pulled the blanket over him. He looked at the clock when he heard the door open and close, his timeframe had been off by hours. His eyes were closed, but he couldn’t fake the soft snore. Cas knew that he was still awake when he stripped down and climbed into bed with him. Not a word was spoken. Cas curled up next to him and laid his head on Dean’s chest. Out of habit Dean gently trailed his fingers up and down Cas’s arm until long after he heard the even breaths.

\--------------------

Cas looked up at Dean and watched him sand the vanity he’d rough cut for Claire. “Okay, well with this final estimate we are definitely low balling. If we have to bring in somebody else then me might even lose some money on the project.”

“So I guess we ask ourselves what’s more important, the money or the credibility.”

“We both know that it’s the credibility.”

“So hit send,” Dean muttered, reaching for a block plain. “If the business takes a hit, it takes a hit. I’m guessing that this is going to be pretty competitive. It’s not like taking out a wall or two and prettying up the place for a family who may or may not even talk about their reno to their family or friends. I’ve already read a couple of articles about it. Granted, they were from a dinky paper in Ashland, but word will spread. That’s how things seem to work in these small towns.” He dropped the block plain and leaned back, letting out a deep sigh.

“Is your back…”

“My back is fine. I’m just frustrated because I need to get this done and ready to ship in the next couple of weeks. It’s going to be a big fucking box and this time of year sucks for shipping.”

“I’ll get to work on the mirror frame as soon as I’m done with this.”

“Okay. Well, we might as well order a pizza or something later. I’m going to be out here for hours working on this.”

“We’re going to be out here for hours working on this,” Cas sighed, closing his laptop. “This is a gift from both of us.”

“Yeah, I know,” Dean mumbled without looking at his husband. 

\--------------------

Cas had come a long way, but he still cut and scraped his hands. He had put bandaids on after the shower while he distractedly watched Dean pull on pajamas. They crawled into bed, clean but with aching shoulders and necks.

“How was dinner last night?”

Cas tilted his head, the moonlight filtering through the shutters was just enough to outline Dean’s profile, but not his features. He’d been waiting for this question. “It was good. You should have come with me. They loved the wedding pictures.”

“You showed them wedding pictures?”

“Yes,” Cas said slowly. “After I told them about the wedding, Meg wanted to see them. I just showed her what I have on my phone. She’s now determined to get a picture of Mark’s mom in an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Ironically, Meg hates Iron Maiden. But, even Mark appreciated the story of the Copley Square rock t-shirt surprise wedding.”

“You guys got married at the courthouse in Boston, right?”

Cas sighed and sat up, not warning Dean before he turned on the lamp. “We got married in Boston in August 2001. I honestly can’t remember the date, it was towards the end of the month. She didn’t wear white, I didn’t wear a tie, we had our ‘wedding’ dinner at a cheap Italian restaurant and spent our wedding night sleeping in our even cheaper apartment. I don’t think that we even had sex that night. There’s a strong possibility that we didn’t have sex that week. These are questions you probably wouldn’t feel the need to ask if you’d come with me. I know that you were awake last night when I got home.”

“I was worried.”

“For my safety? Open and honest, Dean.”

“You were gone longer than I expected and you know that I have a hard time falling asleep without you.”

“Shit, you just barely made it through the open and honest door with that one,” Cas scoffed. “You want to know how my night was? I’ll give you the dirty details. They’re renting a nice bungalow about four or five miles from the MaCavoy House. The Queen Anne that you and I went to after my seminar? Mark was cordial, Meg was sweet, and their dog is really fucking annoying. We had a glass of wine and we choked down some chicken dish that Meg came up with. You really didn’t miss out there, she isn’t a very good cook. We talked, we actually laughed. Mark had an early meeting so he went to bed and left us kids to our own devices without him. This is where it gets really interesting, Meg and I talked. We sat on opposite ends of their couch and we talked. She went back to school and is working on her thesis. I fell in love, got married, and started a business with my husband. Her family is doing well, my family is fucked up. My husband couldn’t make it to dinner because he was at home hand carving a vanity for our niece to match the dollhouse and toy box that she already has. My husband is talented. My husband is brilliant. My husband is witty. My husband is romantic.”

“I didn’t need to know all of that, Cas.”

“You want to know if I was remotely tempted.”

“No...I....okay, I thought about it.”

“You thought about it,” Cas shook his head slowly and chuckled in disbelief. “You think that little of me. That part of our marriage has hit a rough patch so I’m a big enough asshole to go looking elsewhere. I didn’t have to look very far because I conveniently bumped into my ex wife at a restaurant. I did sleep with the girl over ten years ago. I mean, once you’ve been there you can always go back, right?”

“Cas…”

“You know, there are a number of reasons why I would never even consider turning to Meg for, I don’t know, comfort I guess.”

“You don’t have to do this. I get it. I shouldn’t have…”

“Let’s see, number one is that I don’t want anyone but you. Number two; I can’t imagine touching anyone other than you. Number three; I was under the impression that I am happily married; nauseatingly happy. Number four; she is, in fact, happily married. I’ll even throw in a number five for good measure; our sex life was mediocre, at best. There was no passion there, not like there is here. What Meg and I had was never real. God Dean, I’m not looking for a hall pass because you feel like you are somehow failing me. This is something that neither one of us has any control over. Do I lay here at night and hope that someday things change, yeah, I do. I’m pretty sure that we both do. But I am not shallow enough or discouraged enough to go out looking for a backup plan. Do you know what I did take away from my dinner last night? I was reminded that there are exactly two people in this world that I have ever really loved. Two people that I would have done anything for. Both of those people lived in this house with me. Growing up, Hester was the only person who gave a shit about Castiel Novak. Without her, I was a fucking orphan. I honestly don’t know if I would have survived. When she needed me, I was here. I spent years knowing that no matter what I did, I was going to lose her. I cooked for her, I cleaned for her, I ran errands for her. I helped her up and down those fucking stairs every day. When she started going blind I sat next to her bed and I read to her. But ultimately, it was a death watch. The day that I buried her was the day that I started drawing up plans to renovate this house. I couldn’t live with the memories. That professor that you met? He was fucked up. He was alone and empty and in pain. He was lost and he was determined to never give a shit because he couldn’t go through another loss. But you got out of that truck, you walked across that yard, and everything changed. I stopped going through the motions. I stopped taking the small things for granted. I learned how to see beauty in things that I’d never found beautiful before. I learned that sometimes it’s the simple things that are the most meaningful. A Black Sabbath t-shirt and a record. I learned to let that scared little kid go. I learned how to leave my comfort zone. I found what I needed in the person who was responsible for helping me rebuild a home that means everything to me. Two people in over 30 years who I know truly loved me. I lost Hester, I could have lost you. There’s the long answer. The short answer? No, I have absolutely no desire to share a bed or a life with anyone but you, and that is never going to change.” Cas’s voice shuddered and his body was shaking when he started to climb out of bed, and pulled away from Dean’s arms.

“Baby, I am sorry,” Dean said quietly, tears beginning to slowly form lines down his cheeks. “I have no way to respond to that. I shouldn’t have...god Cas. I didn’t realize…”

“I thought I was past it, I thought that I'd dealt with it. But last night I thought about her and I just...”

“Don’t get out of bed, baby. Please, come here.” Dean pulled Cas close and felt him break down in his arms. “I’m sorry, I am so sorry.”

“I just sat here helplessly and I watched her die. I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I told myself that maybe if I’d read another chapter or cooked another meal I could have bought some time. I wasn’t ready to let her go, she was all that I had. I think about that and I feel like I can't breathe. I miss her, Dean. She would be so fucking proud of me, and I miss her.”

“I know you do,” Dean said quietly, running his hand slowly up and down Cas’s back to calm him. “Just let it out, baby. I'm here and I love you, Cas. I love you with everything that I have and everything that I am.”

Cas cried harder, and Dean pulled him closer. He reached over and turned off the lamp, leaning back against the pillows and holding his husband’s body against his until Cas was finally exhausted and fell asleep. Dean stayed awake, watching the moon cast low shadows on the walls. He knew that they wouldn’t talk about this in the morning, they may never talk about it again. Cas had held onto it and kept it inside for a reason, and Dean may never know that reason. The accident, everything that had happened since, it had become a mindfuck. Cas was vulnerable and afraid, and Dean felt helpless.

\--------------------

Cas smiled when he stumbled into the kitchen, and Dean looked at him with soft eyes. They talked about Claire’s vanity, Christmas, the Ashland contract. Dean didn’t feel tense or stifled, he was overwhelmed. He felt Cas’s breakdown in his chest. He tried to be conscious, present, and loving. He was distracted and lost in his thoughts. He was in a place he’d never been before. His thoughts were cloudy. It wasn’t the clock, Cas, and Meg. It was Cas, Hester, and him. It was his family, the Winchesters. It was muddled and he was shaken. 

He held his husband, kissed him, murmured promises and love, and wondered if it was enough. 

\--------------------

“So I was thinking about going to the hardware store to pick up the side hinges for the mirror frame and the drawer pulls. Do you want to come?”

“I still have a ton of sanding to do and I need to try and get in a workout today.”

“Okay,” Cas nodded. “Do we need anything else?”

“I could use some more fine grain sandpaper. Another small can of stain wouldn’t hurt. Oh, and grab a shipping crate. If I’m sending it in pieces I don’t like the idea of it being in a regular box. I’ll text you the dimensions.”

“Yeah, okay,” Cas said quietly. “Is that it?”

“More beer never hurts,” Dean grinned. “And we’re a little low on scotch.”

“Preparing for an impending drinking problem?”

“I was a boy scout believe it or not. I was taught to always be prepared.”

\--------------------

Cas could feel that the house was empty when he walked through the back door. He called for Dean, but got no response. “Shit,” he muttered under his breath when he turned around and went to the garage. He knew that he’d find it empty. He took the woodworking supplies and shipping crate to the guest house. He went back inside and put the beer in the refrigerator. He put the bottle of scotch in the liquor cabinet and sat on the couch, playing with his phone. If Dean was driving, he couldn’t text or call, Dean wouldn’t answer a call anyway. He got up and started to pace until he heard the engine and reached for his keys.

“I’ll move my car so that you can get back in the garage,” he yelled towards the Impala, sliding into the driver’s seat. He backed slowly down the driveway and waited. He watched Dean get out of his car and close the large garage door behind him. He was gripping his cane, his limp was pronounced as he moved out of the driveway and towards the house. Cas could only sigh and park, shoving the gearshift a little harder than he normally would. He shut off the engine and followed Dean into the kitchen.

“Cas…” 

“This isn’t one of those ‘we need to talk’ moments. You’re an adult, you know your limits.”

“I needed to get out of the house.” Dean sat down and dropped his head.

“You don’t have to explain yourself.”

“So why do I feel like shit?”

“I don’t know. Are you hungry? That new Chinese place isn’t that bad we could…”

“Cas, I know that you’re upset.”

“I am. But, I have absolutely no reason to be. We’ve already talked about for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. I don’t remember there being a part about short leashes or keeping tabs. We’re in the clear on this one. You are home safe and so everything is copacetic.”

“Can you stop with the passive aggressive shit so that we can talk about it.”

“That’s the problem, Dean. I stop with the passive aggressive shit then I have two options; anger or silence. I came home to an empty house and I was scared. Was leaving without even texting me a shitty thing to do? We both know the answer to that, but I get it. I can’t be with you 24/7 or surround you with bubble wrap so that you don’t fall and hurt yourself. I have no right to be pissed off because you didn’t ask for my permission to take your car out for a spin like I’m your father.” Cas finally looked at Dean and cringed at the physical pain in his eyes when he started to stand, the way his knuckles turned white under his strong grip on his cane, his unsteadiness when he finally pulled himself up on both legs. He felt the sob in his chest and the tears in his eyes, but he couldn’t let himself cry, not this time. “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to go with silence right now,” he said quietly. “I uh...why don’t you decide what you want to eat and I’ll go jump in the shower.”

“I just needed to know that I am not so broken that I can’t function in the real world. I needed to know that I am able to do things by myself without always relying on you. I had to give you a shopping list today, I should be able to take care of that shit on my own.”

“You want independence, you can have it. I don’t want to feel like a prison guard who’s holding you hostage inside of your own home.”

“It’s not like that, not at all. I don’t want you to be in a position of feeling like my caretaker. I can’t be your burden, Cas. I went about it the wrong way because I didn’t want you to worry.”

“I would have worried either way. I’m your husband, it’s in the fucking job description. I’m not…” Cas took a deep breath. “I’m not going to make a big deal about this. So you left without me knowing. I’m trying to choose my battles here, and your need for independence should not be one of them. Now, decide what you want to eat while I take my angry passive aggressive ass upstairs and jump in the shower. Shit, we might as well add overly dramatic to that list of adjectives. This isn’t on you.”

Dean watched Cas walk away and sank back into the chair slowly. His body was trembling, he didn’t know if it was from the physical pain or the look in Cas’s eyes. He wanted to reach for the stack of worn out, thumbed through take out menus and tear them up, he wanted to reach for the salt and pepper shakers and throw them against a wall, he wanted to reach for his husband instead of looking at his back while it moved down the hallway towards the stairs. He took a deep breath and groaned when he pulled his body upright again, walking slowly to the den and letting himself sink into the couch, his cane making an audible noise when it hit the hardwood floor. He leaned his head back and threw his arm over his eyes, listening to the shower running upstairs. 

\--------------------

The water was cold when Cas finally turned it off and reached for a towel. He was pulling on a clean t-shirt when he heard the creaking on the stairs. 

“So is this where we avoid each other because we don’t know what to say?” he heard from the doorway.

“No, this is where I stand here absolutely clueless, knowing that I didn’t handle things the right way. I don’t need this distance. I don’t want it. I’ve already felt it and I fucking hate it. I know that I’m overreacting, but walking into an empty house was not something that I wasn’t prepared for.”

“Baby, you…”

“Where is the line between being a caretaker and a husband, Dean? Between smothering and loving?” Cas asked quietly. “Maybe somewhere I crossed that line with you and I need to get back. But you are so fucking stubborn that sometimes asking for my help has been like an admission of failure or inadequacy. I don’t know what is right here. What do you need from me?” 

Dean sat on the edge of the bed and let his cane drop. “I need help,” he said softly. “I wasn’t ready; my right leg working the brakes and gas. I wasn’t ready and now I’m paying for it. Come here,” Dean reached for Cas, but Cas hesitated. “Please.” Cas finally moved and stood between his legs, letting him wrap his arms around his waist and press his face against his stomach. He felt Cas’s hands slide up and down his back, his fingers gently kneading the muscles in his shoulders and neck, and he pulled Cas closer. “I need you and I fucking hate it. I know that it’s circumstance and not my fault, but I have never been in this place before. I’m winging it and trying not to lose my mind because I feel so fucking useless.”

Cas knelt between Dean’s legs and took his hands, intertwining their fingers. “I have tried and tried to put myself in your position, but I can’t. I cannot imagine how all of this feels for you. I know that you want to drive to a jobsite and be a micromanaging pain in the ass for ten hours and then drive home and stand at the stove cooking dinner. I know that we all take that shit for granted until we’re put in a position of having it taken from us, even temporarily. I sit here and I watch you break a little more on the inside every single day and I am powerless to stop it. I have to believe that this is going to get better because I cannot watch you give up and lose who you need to be. Don’t ever think that you are useless. I could have lost you, and with that I would have lost everything. You know that you are not alone in this, but I can’t be alone in it either, Dean. There are things that I need to know, or maybe just want to know, so that I can be there to celebrate the wins and help accept the losses. It isn’t a responsibility, it is my life.”

“You’re right. You are.”

“I love you, Dean. You are not useless, you are not a burden, you are my husband.”

“I love you too, Cas.”

“Why don’t you take a shower. I’ll go downstairs and figure out what to do for dinner.”

\--------------------

Cas heard the soft thump and gentle grunts becoming more pronounced. He dropped his head when it became quiet and he felt Dean standing behind him. He knew that Dean needed to feel necessary. This was make up sex. His eyes closed when his husband’s free arm snaked around his body, his fingers working their way under his thin t-shirt to trail along his waistband. It was slow, his button popping, his zipper sliding, Dean’s lips on his neck. He gripped the counter, stopping himself from leaning back and relaxing his body against Dean’s. The cane, Dean’s unsteadiness had become part of the experience. Cas unconsciously pulled his shirt up when Dean’s calloused hand began to slowly stroke. He could feel his husband behind him, but he couldn’t feel his need, his arousal, pressing against his back. The words ‘nerve damage’ ran through his head as a mantra with every stroke, reminding him that they had no control over how Dean’s body reacted. He needed to clear his mind so that he could come. He gasped and felt the physical release, but it bordered on hollow. He exaggerated the heaving of his chest and let his head tilt back to rest on Dean’s shoulder, turning slightly for a soft kiss. He reached for paper towel to wipe off his husband’s hand and his own stomach, tucking himself back into his pants. “I didn’t know if you’d come,” Dean whispered. “I’m kind of clumsy with my left hand.”

“Obviously not that clumsy,” Cas smiled weakly and turned to wrap his arms around Dean. “Now sit down and I’ll cook.”

“Does that mean that I have to start doing the laundry?”

“No,” Cas chuckled. 

“Good,” Dean smiled, sliding his fingers down Cas’s arm and squeezing his hand. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Cas said quietly, letting go of Dean’s hand to pull a pan out of the cupboard, hoping that he couldn’t sense the lingering feeling of disconnect.

\--------------------

They’d sent the vanity to Sam’s, hoping that it would make it there on time. Dean was sitting on the bed, taking clothes from Cas’s hands and packing their bags. They were talking about Christmas, trying to picture Claire’s face when she saw her new vanity, laughing about the gifts they’d made for Dean’s parents. Cas still had a hard time referring to them as mom and dad, and Dean understood the reluctance. He looked at his husband and thought about everything that had happened since his accident; the sense of failure and tension. They had no outlet, only each other and some days they felt like they needed to go to their separate corners. The family, the sometimes loud and sometimes obnoxious Winchesters, it’s what they needed. A loving distraction to restore any rift that the stress had created.

\--------------------

“Dean! Oh my god sweetie!”

Cas reached for Dean’s cane so that he could wrap his arms around his mother. Dean had slept from Bangor to Chicago, Cas had slept from Chicago to Kansas City. He still had Dean’s cane in his hand and had to hug Mary awkwardly while Dean gave his father a bear hug. Cas was pulled into a hug and handed the cane back to Dean, falling into step on their way to pick up their luggage.

\--------------------

“Well, the recovery has been a pain in the ass,” Dean mumbled with his mouth full. “But, I am upright and walking. It’s taken longer than we’d originally thought it would, but I’m hoping that eventually I won’t even limp.”

“I don’t know, you look kind of distinguished with that cane,” John chuckled. “Let me see that thing.” Dean handed it to him and picked up his beer while his father inspected it under the bad restaurant lighting. “This is pretty nice. I’m not sure what in the hell those words are.”

“Cas made it,” Dean chuckled. “They are song lyrics. Black Sabbath; Iron Man.”

“Ah, the t-shirts.”

“Yeah,” Dean grinned. “The infamous t-shirts.”

“Your mother has ours folded and put away in a box. I have no idea why.”

“They are keepsakes, John.”

“Okay, I love that rock t-shirts have become a keepsake in the Winchester family,” Dean laughed.

“How’s work?” Mary asked, looking pointedly at Cas. He’d barely said a word since they’d met at the airport. Cas looked at Dean and then at Mary.

“It’s good. I shut down the website after Dean’s accident to give us some time to work through that. But, we got a call offering us the opportunity to submit an estimate to a preservation committee. We’ll hear back sometime after the first of the year.”

“Sam said something about filing a lawsuit?”

“Yeah, that’s in the attorney’s hands right now. We probably won’t know anything for a few months.” Cas pushed his food around on his plate, eventually taking a bite. He listened to Dean and John’s banter and felt Mary’s eyes on him.

\--------------------

“Come here,” Dean smiled, patting the couch cushion next to him. He pulled Cas down and wrapped one arm around him. “Tired?”

“Yeah,” Cas murmured. “It’s a good thing that you had Rasputin to keep you company between Chicago and Kansas City.”

“Hey, those Romanov’s went through some fucked up shit.”

“What are we talking about?” John asked, handing them each a drink.

“The Russian Revolution.”

“Ah, so a little light after dinner conversation,” John grinned. 

“Well, I’ve read almost everything I could get my hands on about the American Revolution. I figured it was time to branch out,” Dean smiled, touching his lips softly against Cas’s temple. “But feel free to change the subject.”

“I’m just glad that you are up and walking around. I had to stop your mother from booking plane tickets more than once to come up there and hand feel you chicken noodle soup. I kept telling her that Cas had it covered.”

“He’s put up with a lot of shit,” Dean said quietly, pulling him closer.

Cas smiled weakly and closed his eyes. He felt disjointed, like he was waiting for the recorded laugh track to kick in when Dean or John said something witty. He was slowly sipping from the tumbler that John had handed him, listening to Dean’s description of the accident and recovery, something he’d never heard before. He’d lived it, but he’d never thought about their different perspectives. His mind was wandering, he started to wonder what Dean would say if asked for his thoughts on his husband’s point of view. Neither truly understood what the other was going through, but Cas was questioning himself. Had he become too impatient and discouraged? Not just sexually, although that was a part of it, but in general. He hadn’t completely given up on Dean physically, but he’d accepted that even if he was satiated, there was always an undercurrent of reluctance, embarrassment, and loss of ego on both of their parts. Some things had become ‘I’ rather than the ‘we’. Things that they’d grown accustomed to sharing. Some of the affection was simply habitual. It was like a movie reel that was playing in his head and he became overwhelmed. “I’m sorry, but I’m exhausted. I think I’m going to go to bed.”

“Are you alright?” Dean turned his head and their eyes locked. He could see it.

“I’m fine,” Cas said quietly. “I guess the nap between Chicago and Kansas City wasn’t long enough. Thank you for dinner and for the, uh, drink,” he swallowed the last of the amber liquid and set his empty glass on the coffee table. He gave Dean a gentle peck on the lips and stood up, walking to the guest room without looking back.

“Is he okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean sighed. “He’s fine, mom. We’ve just had a lot going on lately and I don’t doubt that he’s exhausted.”

\--------------------

He laid on his side in the dark with his eyes open. He could hear the murmur of voices, people that he loved dearly, but he missed the bed in the large drafty house in Maine.

He heard Dean come in the room, heard the sound of clothes rustling while he changed into pajamas, and felt the mattress dip. Dean’s arms wrapped around him, full lips pressed against the back of his neck, and the soft snoring quickly filled the air.

\--------------------

“I hope that these frames were hand made by Novak Architecture and Design,” John smiled, holding the pictures in his hands. Wedding pictures, one of Cas and Dean, one of the entire family. 

“No. Cas loves Ikea so we drove…” Dean stopped and chuckled when Cas reached over in an attempt to softly smack him. He grabbed his hand, gently kissed each knuckle, and let go. “I expect to see those pictures hung up in a very visible place when we come next year. Every friend or neighbor who knows me needs to see photographic evidence that somehow I was able to find somebody who is entirely too much like me.’

“Do you always let him talk about you like that?” John grinned.

“Only on holidays and his birthday. Other than that I make him refer to me as...holy shit is that my phone?”

“Sounds like it,” Dean shrugged. “Maybe it’s the preservation committee.”

“They aren’t supposed to make a decision until after the first of the year. Let me go grab that.” They watched Cas hurry into the guest room and faintly heard him. “Novak Architecture and Design, this is Cas…” They heard the sliding door that led to the backyard and turned back to the presents.

Dean unwrapped his socks and boxers, knowing that the pile of gifts waiting for Cas would be the same. Mary almost bumped into Cas when she went into the kitchen to make more coffee. “This one’s for you. Do you want to take Dean’s out to him?”

“Sure,” he said quietly, giving her a small smile.

“So?” Dean asked, gratefully taking the mug from Cas’s hands. “What’s the verdict?”

“That’s it’s entirely too cold in Maine and you were right about everything being a few towns over.”

“Ah,” Dean nodded slowly, stopping to blow the steam from the hot coffee. “Meg.”

“And Mark. Well, mostly Meg. She felt bad about not sending a card this year so she wanted to call and wish us a Merry Christmas.” Cas couldn’t meet Dean’s eyes.

“At the risk of sounding nosy, Meg is…”

“Meg is Cas’s ex wife,” Dean smiled weakly at his mother. Just hearing her name brought back that night, Cas’s words.

“Her and her husband are temporarily renting a house near ours while he does some work in the area,” Cas said quietly, reaching for a gift. 

\--------------------

“Are you sure that you feel up to driving? I mean you really haven’t since...”

“I’ll be fine, Cas. I’ve made this drive more than once.”

“I get that,” Cas let out a deep breath, trying to ignore the veiled annoyance in Dean’s voice. “But, you used to make it with just you and your dad driving.”

“You can call him Dad, you know that.”

“Okay,” Cas said slowly. “You used to make it with just you and dad, so it’s not like it’s going to change the timeframe if it’s me and your...if it’s me and dad doing the driving. I mean, hours using your right leg on the gas and brake while you put pressure on your back. You know that it...”

“I thought that you were going to trust me to know my limits.”

“Fine,” Cas said quietly, raising his hands in deference and walking away to grab their luggage out of the guest room.

\--------------------

Cas elected to sit in the backseat and popped his earbuds in, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. This trip couldn’t have felt more different than the previous year and he hated that he just wanted to be home.

\--------------------

“Uncle Dean! Uncle Cas!” They both smiled when they saw the ball of blonde energy rushing at them. Claire wrapped her arms around Dean and squeezed, but stepped back with a serious look on her face. “I’m sorry, I know your leg hurts.”

“No,” Dean chuckled. “It’s fine, princess. You can hug me as tight and as much as you want.” He reached for her and smiled when she wrapped her arms around his waist. “You’re getting too big to hug my legs anyway.”

“Daddy says if I keep growing so fast I’m going to end up as tall as him.”

“I don’t know about that,” Cas laughed, kissing the soft blonde hair and returning the hug.

“I want to be as tall as Daddy. Then I can reach for things myself instead of asking him.”

“Then she can reach for the treats that Sam tries to hide in the top of the cabinets,” Jess laughed, hugging them both. “Dean, you look great.”

“Did you hear that, Sam?”

“I think she’s talking about the recovery from your accident,” Sam smiled.

“Think what you want, Sammy. There is nothing wrong with denial.” Dean pulled his brother into a bear hug. “Were you able to stash that big ass box?” he asked quietly.

“I moved it from the garage into her room when Jess took her to the store today. I’ve been able to keep her out of there, but it won’t last long.”

“I’ll get to work on it,” Dean winked and let go of his brother.

“Cas,” Sam grinned, giving him a hug “I cannot believe that you have not lost your mind putting up with my brother.”

“Technically there’s no proof that I haven’t,” Cas smiled. “I’m going to go get started on the…”

“We can both do it,” Dean leaned over and said quietly.

“No, it’s fine. It won’t take long and you should spend some time with your family.”

“They’re you family too, Cas.”

“It’s fine. I’ll go grab the mirror out of the trunk and sneak back in. Sit down and relax.”

“My leg and my back are…”

“I’m not asking about your leg and your back. You made it very clear that I don’t need to. I’ll just grab the mirror and get to work. Now go in the family room and keep that little girl distracted.”

“Okay,” Dean sighed, watching Cas turn to walk back through the kitchen.

“Trouble in paradise?” Sam’s eyebrows were raised when Dean looked at him.

“Things have just been a little stressful and you know that the whole family thing is kind of overwhelming for him.”

“Okay. If you need to talk I do have a study and a bottle of scotch.”

“I appreciate it, Sammy.” Dean patted his brother on the back. “But everything is fine.”

“How often do you guys use the word ‘fine’?”

“Too often,” Dean tried to smile.

\--------------------

The vanity was put together and set up. The family followed Claire to her room and laughed at her loud squeal. Cas and Dean were almost knocked backwards with more hugs and she promptly went about filling the drawers with coloring books, papers, markers, and whatever else she could find that fit.

“New headboard next year?” Dean leaned over and whispered to Cas.

“Definitely.”

\--------------------

Dinner was loud and obnoxious. Dean reached for Cas’s hand under the table and intertwined their fingers resting them on his leg. Once again they ended up on the couch groaning in discomfort from having eaten too much. They talked about work, they debated, and they ate even more. 

\--------------------

“Cas seems quiet,” Jess said softly to Mary while they cleaned up.

“Can you imagine how it would be to take care of Dean after an injury like that? We’re lucky he isn’t drinking heavily.”

“True,” Jess laughed. “I just hate seeing it. They already went through so much with Cas’s family.”

“And they jumped into a business with both feet not knowing if it would be successful. They’ve taken on a lot in just a few years. But, they’ve stood by each other, and dealing with Dean while he’s been recovering has to be stressful. It sounds like they’ll be back to work soon and that will give Dean the chance to work off some of his energy.”

“I hope so,” Jess sighed. “I look at Dean and it’s almost like I can’t remember who he was before he met Cas.”

\--------------------

Dean could feel the sun filtering through the thin curtains of the guest room and reached for Cas, but quickly realized that he was alone in the bed. He heard his phone and groaned when he rolled over to grab it off of the nightstand.

_“Woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep so I went for a quick walk. Don’t worry, I have Google maps so I should be able to find my way back.”_

The message was over an hour old. He rolled out of bed and threw his clothes on, hoping that Sam was already awake.

“Hey,” he said quietly when he found his brother in the kitchen reading the paper. “You’re up early.”

“My body is used to working office hours. Why are you up so early?”

“I was hoping to catch you alone so that I can ask if I can borrow your car.”

“My car?”

“Yeah,” Dean ran his hands up his face. “Cas disappeared. Well, not disappeared but he left to take a walk.”

“And you need to go find him?”

“I probably should.”

“Okay, I’m trying to stay out of it man, but I don’t think that he’s in a good place. I really don’t know him very well, and maybe I’m out of line…”

“You’re not out of line. Honestly, I’m not sure what kind of place he’s in. We uh...we haven’t really talked much for the last few weeks. Actually, it’s been kind of off and on for the last couple of months.”

“The accident?”

“The accident,” Dean sighed. “After effects from the accident, the business, me being a dick and not talking when I should, personal shit that he’s trying to deal with. My guess is that he found the closest Starbucks and is sitting in a booth playing with his phone. That’s not where I want him to be.”

“My keys are on the hook by the back door. If anyone asks I’ll just tell them that you guys went to get coffee.”

“Thanks Sam,” Dean yawned.

\--------------------

Dean handed Cas the cup from Starbucks and stood silently next to him.

“How did you find me?”

“After checking a couple of coffee shops I figured it out. What’s going on Cas?”

“I want to go home, and I hate feeling that way.”

“Why do you want to go home?”

“It’s where I belong,” Cas dropped his head and studied the way their shadows cast on the sand. “I feel like I’m on the outside looking in which means that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. Problem is, I can quite pin down what that ‘nothing’ is. I can’t just cross the backyard and lose myself in some woodwork to shut off my brain.”

“A lot of the ‘nothing’ is us and we both know it.”

“I didn’t come to the beach so that you could find me and we could hash it out. I was getting ready to turn around and head back to Sam’s. I just needed some time away.”

“Do you want me to leave you alone?”

“I don’t know,” Cas said quietly, lifting his eyes to meet Dean’s. “I’m insecure and controlling, you’re stubborn and doing everything that you can to maintain the status quo, even if it’s empty.”

“Is this about the…”

“Partially.”

“You barely let me touch you anymore, Cas,” Dean sighed.

“Because it’s become a husbandly duty. Just like making dinner or leaving wet towels on the floor. I finish, but I don’t always feel good about it. I feel like you could be reading a book with your left hand and giving me a handjob with your right. So what’s the point?”

“Baby, it’s not like that.”

“Yes, it is Dean. And please, don’t call me baby because right now it doesn’t even feel right.” Cas turned and started walking, Dean tried to catch up but was limping. He’d left his cane behind. 

“So this is my fault?” he asked, finally falling into step next to Cas after Cas unconsciously slowed his pace to wait for him.

“This isn’t about fault or blame. If it is, then I blame that fucking beam or the equipment rental company, or whoever in the fuck I can blame for your accident. This isn’t just the sex, Dean. You resent the fact that you’ve needed me as much as you have, and I see a flicker of something when I leave you to do things on your own. I don’t know if it’s resentment or abandonment, but it isn’t always positive. Kripke and I finished those last two jobs, and months later you felt like you couldn’t even do a walk through. This business, what we do, it’s your world and I ask myself if you feel pushed out of it. And there’s little shit. The day I submitted the estimate to the preservation committee you said that you needed to get Claire’s vanity done. Not we, you. I don’t know why, but that stung. Maybe we’ve reached the point where the honeymoon is over. I just never expected to miss my husband when he’s asleep next to me.”

“You’re right,” Dean said quietly. “You’re right about a lot of it. I hate it, but you are. If you want to talk about the sex thing…”

“You know what?” Cas scoffed, shaking his head slowly. “I don’t even want to talk about it anymore. What is there to talk about? It is what it is and I’ve spent months making you feel like shit about something that you have no control over. I practically begged you to talk to me, but what were you supposed to say? I mean you finally acknowledged it, but that’s where the conversation ends because there’s really nothing that we can do beyond that. It’s not something that we can magically fix, so why dwell on it. I think that’s what this entire situation has come down to, we can’t magically fix anything so why dwell on it. The business needs you, I need you and I can’t have you believing that I don’t. We decide to work on something together I need it to be us, not just you. You were building a vanity for your niece while I submitted an estimate for my business. It shouldn’t be like that, but it was. I feel out of place being around your family because if you and I are distant, what does that make them and I? I’m on the outside looking in because they belong to you, not me. I know you’ll tell me that they love me, and I believe you. But if I don’t feel comfortable hearing you call me baby, how can I be comfortable calling them mom and dad?”

“If you feel these things, and they are bothering you enough that you need to sneak out of a bed that we are sharing and go wander around a suburb in California, then why are you just now talking about them?”

“Besides the fact that you came looking for me and forced my hand?”

“I didn’t force anything, Cas. I came looking for you because I know that you are miserable and walking out of my brother’s house at the crack of dawn makes a pretty big statement.”

“I wasn’t trying to make a statement, I’m just trying to keep from suffocating. This shit has been building, one thing at a time. It wasn’t until we got here and I felt like I didn’t fit in with your family that it all hit.”

“It’s not their fault, Cas. They’re not the Novak’s.” Dean regretted the words the minute that he said them.

“You’re right, they are nothing like the Novak’s. They are exactly what I always wanted and needed, but never felt like I deserved. That was a low fucking blow, Dean. Go enjoy the Winchesters. I’ll find my way back to Sam’s in a little while.”

“Cas…” 

Cas’s silence was deafening and Dean stopped walking, watching his husband’s back as he moved down the beach. He waited until he got back into Sam’s car before he let the tears come.

\--------------------

Dean was surprised when a cab pulled up just after he put Sam’s car in park. He watched Cas in the rearview mirror pay the driver and wave when he pulled away from the curb. “I could have given you a ride.”

“I know, but we were done talking and I knew that the drive back would be silent and uncomfortable. I also knew that if you came back alone it would just lead to questions that neither one of us knows how to answer. So, I hoped that you hadn’t beat me back here and figured we can at least look like a united front when we walk in the door.”

“Cas, I shouldn’t have said…”

“Are you coming?” 

Dean shook his head and followed his husband into Sam’s house.

\--------------------

“Wait, you what?”

“I changed my flight. Unfortunately I have a few stops before I get to Bangor, but it was the best that I could do.”

“So you paid…”

“No,” Cas stopped packing his bag and turned to look at Dean. “I talked the airline into changing my flight. I told them that my husband was in an accident and they bought it. I know I’m putting you in a shitty situation with your family, so we’ll tell them that it’s business related.”

“Cas, please do not do this. I get that you feel like there are things that we need to fix.”

“I feel like I can’t fucking breathe, Dean. I’m being a selfish dick, but I don’t know what else to do. Spend the next four days trying not to lose my shit?” He could feel the tears but quickly wiped them away and went back to packing. “I’ll just take a cab to LAX. I’ll be there to pick you up in Bangor when you get back.”

“There’s nothing that I can say to stop you, is there?”

“I’m sorry,” Cas said quietly. “I love you. I love you more than anything but I can’t do this right now.” He wrapped his arms around his husband and kissed him tenderly.

After a round of hugs and a suspicious look from Sam, Cas left the house alone and got into a cab. 

\--------------------

He was too numb, too emotionally exhausted to cry. He eventually dropped his bag on the floor, sent Dean a text letting him know that he’d made it home, and sank down on the couch, pulling a blanket over him.

\--------------------

“So spill,” Sam handed Dean a tumbler of scotch. “And don’t tell me that there’s nothing going on. There isn’t a person out in that family room who believes that Cas went home to take care of business. Not even Claire. If you asked her she’d tell you that if she doesn’t have school, Uncle Cas shouldn’t have work. What in the hell is going on?”

“Wow, way to be gentle about this,” Dean sighed, sitting in one of the overstuffed chairs in Sam’s office. “Messy and complicated, that’s it. It’s been messy and complicated for awhile, but just like before, I chose to ignore it. We both did. I tracked him down at the beach and said something stupid, something that I wish I could take back. I’m guessing that’s when he made the decision to leave.”

“What did you say?”

“He said that he felt like he didn’t fit in here. That because of our distance he was on the outside looking in. So, my dumb ass decides to make the situation worse by telling him that it’s not the family’s fault. That this family is nothing like the Novak’s. All he’s ever wanted was a family, and I reminded him of what I’ve always had and he never really had. I fucked up, big surprise.” Dean knew that Cas was finally mourning Hester, the only family that he ever really had. But he knew that Cas had to do it on his own terms. Cas needed space, not a boisterous distraction while he tried to work through his loss. It had been years, but it had boiled to the surface and Dean’s comment about the Winchesters and Novaks only served to demoralize him. That wasn’t their only problem, it had simply been what finally incited Cas’s need to be back in that big house in Maine. To be in the only real home that he’d ever had. 

“You need to fix this.”

“Thanks for the sensitivity, but it’s not just me, Sam. I’ll take part of the blame, but this is a two way street here. My accident sparked emotions and they’ve run high. When that happens, I get quiet and he gets passive aggressive. Neither one of us is perfect.”

“But you’re perfect for each other, Dean. Shit happens, tempers flare, tears come...I’m pretty sure that’s universal. It wouldn’t matter if you were married to a man or a woman, relationships are not easy, especially if you have found the one. You stayed in that guest house for three months because you couldn’t bring yourself to leave. He fucking flew here two years ago because he didn’t know how to let you go. I don’t know the entire situation, and I’m guessing that you’re not about to give up a whole lot of details, but this shit needs to get worked out. I can’t sit here and watch you backtrack. I need to be able to argue with you and have you call me out, and that won’t happen if he isn’t a part of your life.”

“So what do I do?”

“Give him a few days and then the minute that you step off of that plane and see him, you make working things out a priority. If I didn’t think that it would awkward as hell, I’d call him and say the same thing. You are as bullheaded as dad, but I can see that Cas is just as stubborn. At the end of the day, you love him and he loves you. I know that sounds simple, but it’s not. I know you, you were never built to fall in love. Nobody ever expected you to. You never expect to, but you did.”

“Yeah,” Dean sighed. “I did. You know, the entire three months that I spent in the guest house he spent sleeping in a guest room because he couldn’t stand the idea of sleeping in our bed alone. He’ll be sleeping in our bed alone and I can fucking picture it. I hate it.”

Sam took a deep breath and turned his eyes to the ceiling, “Here’s something I’ve never told you, I’ve never told anyone,” he said quietly after a long silence. “Jess left me. Claire was just a baby, I wasn’t a Jr. Partner yet, and I was losing my fucking mind working 12 hours a day trying to prove myself. I was stressed out, I was anxious, and I was a total asshole. One day she packed up shit for her and Claire and went to a friend’s house. She wouldn’t even take my calls for the first week. I spent an entire day drinking and crying because my wife and my daughter are everything. If I had to quit my job today and go work at the Mini Mart in order to make my marriage work, I would because they are my priority. It took almost a month to work things out. I have never felt so alone and so afraid as I did during that month.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because Jess and I had to work through it ourselves. No interference, no opinions from the outside, just me and Jess. I didn’t sweet talk her or make promises that I couldn’t keep. We made promises that we’ve been able to keep. We still fuck up, we still argue, but then we think about that month and we know that we can’t go through that again. Your accident, I honestly can’t imagine what it’s done to you. You couldn’t work, you had to rely on him, he was your only connection to the outside world…”

“Other than mom. Especially after he taught her how to facetime me,” Dean said dryly, pouring another drink.

“Okay, points to Cas for teaching mom how to baby you face to face.” Sam smiled weakly. “But my point is, this has been some heavy shit. He spent hours not knowing if you were going to live or die and you spent months not knowing if you were ever going to walk on your own again. You are alive, and you are walking. Everything outside of that can be worked out. Maybe you need to remind yourselves of that.”

“Yeah, maybe we do. We need to do something,” Dean sighed. “Thanks for the words of wisdom.”

“Anytime,“ Sam smiled. “I would have offered you herbal tea, but that would have tipped Jess off.”

\--------------------

Cas heard his phone and sat up, trying not to spill the drink that had been resting on his stomach. “Hey…”

“Hey,” Dean caught himself before he said ‘baby’. “I wanted to wish you a happy New Years. I would have called sooner but I thought you might want a couple of days to yourself.”

“No, yeah, I mean you’re fine. I left you hanging and really haven’t know what I’d say when you called.”

“But you knew I’d call, I’ll take that as a win. I don’t blame you for leaving, Cas. I’m not upset, this isn’t a fight, it’s messy and complicated and it’s nothing that we need to try to fix tonight. I’ll be home in a couple of days.”

“Yeah,” Cas sighed. “I hope that your family…”

“This isn’t about the family. This is about us and we’ll figure it out, okay?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Sounds pretty quiet. No raging New Year’s party?” 

“No. I thought about going to Meg and Mark’s but decided that I’d rather pathetically drink alone.”

“Meg and Mark’s?” 

“Meg called me yesterday to invite us. I didn’t tell her about…”

“It doesn’t matter if you did,” Dean said quietly. “She knows you. It would make sense to open up to her.”

“She knows the 20 something year old version of me. That guy still had demons. That guy didn’t believe in himself. That guy had no idea what love was. But, she thinks that our story is adorable too, so apparently it has mass appeal.”

“Good to know,” Dean chuckled softly. 

“I uh...I’ve been sleeping on the couch.”

“You don’t have to, Cas.”

“Yes, I do,” Cas almost whispered. “But it’s only for a couple of more days.”

“Yes, It is. I love you with everything that I have and everything that I am.”

“I love you too, Dean.” 

\--------------------

“That was quick. The plane barely landed,” Cas smiled.

“They saw the cane and took pity on me. I know that I’m an asshole for letting them, but I wanted to see you.”

“It’s only been a few days.”

“It doesn’t matter how long it’s been,” Dean said quietly, gently caressing Cas’s cheek. “You are my husband and I missed you.” He pressed their lips together, kissing Cas tenderly. 

\--------------------

“What are you doing?”

“Uh, starting a fire,” Dean smiled, putting the iron screen in front of the low flames. He walked to where Cas was standing by the bed and place a hand on either side of his face. “I love the way your body looks in the firelight,” he said quietly, leaning in to kiss his husband, parting his lips, letting their tongues slide together slowly. They were near breathless when he pulled away. “Listen, I am ready to ban the word ‘sex’ because for some reason we feel like we have to physically come to make it real. I don’t care if I never come again, but I cannot live with the idea of never touching you. I want to be intimate with my husband. I want to run my hands and mouth across your skin. I need to feel your body against mine. I need to taste you and hear you.” He pulled Cas’s shirt over his head and ran his hands down his sides. “I miss you, Cas.”

“I miss you too,” Cas said softly. It was a slow daze of skin against skin. Their bodies arched and moved under the other’s sensual touch. Dean cleared his mind and came alive, his skin becoming more sensitive with each pass of Cas’s lips, kissing and gently sucking, his fingertips tracing the ridges of muscle. Low moans and soft sighs filled the air. Dean smiled slowly when Cas sat up and the shadows danced across his sweat slicked body. He was perfect. “Please,” Dean whispered, his voice filled with need when he wrapped his fingers around Cas’s cock and stroked slowly. “I want this.” He watched Cas close his eyes and lean back, letting Dean’s hand move along his silky shaft. Dean took him in his mouth and opened his throat when he came, still touching his body. He laid back and pulled Cas close, running his fingers down his back, moving his palms across his ass. They slowly let the passion fade, sharing long and lingering kisses while they held their bodies close. Dean was emotionally satiated and Cas felt no guilt for coming. “I love you,” Dean murmured, nipping softly at Cas’s ear. “I love you too,” Cas whispered. “That...you...it’s what I wanted. It’s all I want,” Dean said quietly, pressing their lips together, deepening the kiss. They fell asleep with their limbs intertwined under the blanket, the fire still softly glowing.

\--------------------

Dean stretched and reached for Cas, smiling when he felt the warm lips against his neck. “Good morning.”

“Good morning.”

“Listen, I know that last night didn’t magically fix things. Maybe we need a new normal. But we need to do it together.” Dean turned his head and their eyes locked. “This distance, I can’t live with that again. I know that the situation is nothing like last time, but it kills me to feel like some days we are just sharing space. We have no control over what happened to me, but how we deal with the here and now is on us. Anger, fear, frustration...they were all going to be a part of this equation. The only thing that we can control is what we do with them. I can’t let my body take over every aspect of my life, and I need you to help me remember that, to accept it. I love you Cas, that will never change.”

“I love you too,” Cas said quietly, moving closer to his husband. “And you’re right.”

“Now, not to kill the mood, but this is kind of a heavy conversation to have on an empty stomach. I’m starving and I’m thinking that maybe we should shower before breakfast.”

“Lead the way,” Cas smiled.

\--------------------

“Let’s go somewhere today, do something.”

“Okay,” Cas looked up from his plate and saw light in Dean’s eyes. “Like what?”

“I don’t know. Let’s go to the record store or the used book store. We could go to both. Maybe hit the deli for lunch. Shit, we can wander around Ikea and then sit down for some swedish meatballs.”

“You’re talking about deli’s and swedish meatballs while we’re eating breakfast?” Cas chuckled.

“I’m just talking about getting the fuck out of here and getting some fresh air. Granted, it’s cold fucking air, but it’s fresh. I know that one good night isn’t a cure-all, but I got some words of wisdom a couple of days ago.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. I was reminded that you spent hours not knowing if I was going to live or die, and I spent months not knowing if I’d ever walk on my own again. I am alive and I am walking, everything outside of that can be worked out,” Dean’s smile was soft when he looked at his husband.

“Those are wise,” Cas nodded. “Fortune cookie?”

“No, a pain in the ass attorney.”

\--------------------

They weren’t hitting a reset button, they knew that they both had things they need to be conscious of, but it was the first time they felt truly close in weeks, possibly months. They held hands. They bought records that they didn’t need. They bought books that they didn’t need. They stopped at a diner for a grease laden dinner. Cas would start to worry about Dean, but he stopped himself. Dean knew his limits. 

They lounged on the couch when they got home, watching a documentary on the Russian Revolution that Cas had recorded.

\--------------------

“You do realize that these are historic sites that we won’t be going to see.”

“Yes, I do,” Dean smiled, turning his head to kiss his husband. He settled back against Cas’s chest. “Hey Cas?”

“Yeah?”

“I uh...I want to apologize for what I said at the beach. I was completely out of line.”

“Why did you say it?”

“I don’t know. I was frustrated, I was trying to defend the situation. I wanted you to see that what you have in front of you is real and the rest is behind you. You were upset and I have that bad habit of saying shit that I shouldn’t. But the Winchesters, that’s your present and your future.”

“What exactly do the Winchesters think? Especially the attorney? I’m guessing that you told him.”

“He dragged me into his study. I didn’t tell him everything, but we talked. He told me that we need to fix this. He uh...he told me that when Claire was a baby he and Jess actually separated for about a month.”

“What?”

“I know, I was shocked. But when he talked about how they worked it out, it struck a chord. They didn’t make promises that they couldn’t keep. But, they’ve kept the promises that they made. His daughter and wife are his priority. You are my priority, baby. I hope you know that.”

“I do,” Cas said quietly, almost smiling at how Dean used the term of endearment without even realizing it.

“If the business or my health or anything starts to affect our relationship, we need to stop and reevaluate. Sam told me that he’d quit the firm and go work at Mini Mart if that’s what it took to save his marriage. He has wanted to be a lawyer since he was a kid, so that’s a testament to how seriously he takes his promises to his family. If there is a chance in hell that we get this Ashland contract and it is too much, we’ll back out.”

“We can’t back out, it means too much.”

“We mean more.”

“You know,” Cas softly chuckled. “It was almost surreal to sit and talk with Meg. We haven’t really sat down and talked alone since she married Mark. I was looking at her, listening to her, and I couldn’t remember how it felt to be married to her. At the end, Naomi truly believed that you were my rebellion. But in all reality, it was Meg. She wasn’t Catholic, we lived together before we got married, we never had children, we got a divorce. I almost feel like I used her.”

“But she seems happy.”

“She is, and so am I. She told me that it wasn’t fair that I’ve upgraded,” Cas laughed. “She still thinks that you’re prettier, she says that I’m happier. I told her our story and it made sense to her. She said that I’m the type of man who needs to fall in love without realizing that he’s falling.”

“Why is that?”

“Same reason you needed to. Because if we saw it coming, we wouldn’t have let it happen.”

\--------------------

Dean needed to run a few errands. Cas acquiesced and didn’t offer to drive him. His heart skipped a beat when he heard the Impala engine start, but he reminded himself that Dean had been fine driving from Kansas to California. He needed to let go. He stayed busy doing laundry and updating the website.

\--------------------

“Drinking already?” Dean grinned, stopping to give Cas a quick kiss before he went upstairs. He came back downstairs and saw a second glass of wine sitting on the table. “It’s a red so I’m guessing that you’re expecting pasta for dinner?”

“I really don’t care what you make for dinner.”

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“Just a little stressed out.”

“Why?” Dean sat down and reached for the glass. 

“Because we got the fucking Ashland contract.”

“You are such a dick,” Dean grinned, leaning across the table to kiss his husband. 

“Why? Because I’m expecting pasta for dinner?” Cas smiled.

“Yes, because you’re expecting pasta for dinner. Looks like we have a workshop out back that we need to organize. When does the contract start?”

“February first, we have ninety days to finish. We really shouldn’t have gotten this one.”

“We probably shouldn’t have, but I’m not going to argue it. You do realize that some of what you showed them was your work, it wasn’t all mine. Shit, should I go to the store and get steak or something? Or do you want to go out? Now I’m all pumped and full of adrenaline.”

“Hence the alcohol, Dean,” Cas smiled. “We can do whatever you want. But can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“Do you think that you’ll ever be okay doing an exterior?”

“Do you mean am I gun shy because of the accident?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know,” Dean shrugged. “I haven’t really thought about it. If I want to stay on Kripke’s payroll, I won’t really have a choice. Does that bother you?”

“I’ve become so fucking overprotective that all of it bothers me,” Cas smiled. “I’m almost as bad as your mother. That’s on my list of shit to work on.”

“Not being like my mother? I honestly appreciate that more than you know. Now let’s go to the store. We can get whatever you want. I’ll cook anything.”

“You want to go to the market?”

“They just opened a new SuperCenter.”

“Let me guess,” Cas grinned.

“Yes,” Dean groaned. “Let’s go.”

\--------------------

Steak, potatoes, asparagus, a bottle and a half of expensive wine had them feeling full and happy. Dean sat on the couch and reached for his laptop.

“We don’t need to start looking at plans yet,” Cas laughed, feeling the effects of the wine.

“I want to call my brother.”

“You miss him already?”

“A little,” Dean leaned over and kissed Cas. “But you cannot tell him that.”

“I get the impression that he knows you actually like him.”

“That may be, but I don’t actually say the words.”

“Gotcha,” Cas giggled.

“Okay, that was cute as fuck. Over three years and I’ve never really heard you giggle.”

“Wine, sexy happy husband, unbelievable contract. Sorry, sometimes a guy just has to giggle.”

“Okay, I’m a little tipsy too, but don’t expect a giggle,” Dean grinned.

“Can I expect other noises? Do you remember that one thing that I do with my tongue…”

“Why do you always do this shit when I’m getting ready to call my family?” Dean groaned, leaning over to kiss Cas deeply. He felt the subtle throbbing, but didn’t get his hopes up. He started to lean back on the couch and pull Cas with him.

“What about Sam?”

“Okay, mood officially killed. I guess I might as well call the tall nerd.”

\--------------------

“Sammy!”

“Somebody has been drinking,” Sam grinned.

“A couple of somebodies. We really should finish off that bottle. I’d hate for it to go to waste.”

“We have stoppers,” Cas laughed.

“Humor me,” Dean smiled, kissing Cas. “I’ll go grab it and throw you to the wolves here.”

“You are such a dick.”

“I see that the romance is very much alive in the Novak/Winchester house,” Sam laughed after Dean had walked away.

“We’re getting there. I’m just sorry that I ruined another Winchester Christmas. Apparently that’s what I do.”

“You didn’t ruin it. Claire was thrilled with her present and she got to see her Uncle Cas. All you missed was another dinner and a drive back to Kansas.”

“I have wine and two glasses,” Dean grinned when he came back into the den. “I was seriously considering just bringing the bottle and passing it back and forth, but we should probably look a little more civilized in front of Sam.”

“I’ve seen you kiss shirtless…”

“That was not uncivilized, it was a beautiful thing,” Dean grinned. “We do actually have a reason for calling.”

“And here I was hoping that this was a drunk dial.”

“Can you drunk dial Skype?” Cas laughed.

“I’m going to warn you that if he giggles, this call will immediately end.”

“I’m not going to ask,” Sam chuckled. “So what’s the reason for the call? I can make an educated guess, but I don’t want to steal your thunder.”

“Yes,” Dean scowled. “We got the preservation committee contract.”

“Hey, you got to say it. I mean, how many contracts have you actually lost?”

“Uh, quite a few. We just don’t generally call after almost two bottles of wine and talk about them.”

“We usually drink scotch and drown our sorrows,” Cas smiled.

“Okay, well not to bring up a touchy subject but you two seem like you’re getting along.”

“He let me drive my own car and go off by myself today. I think we’re headed in the right direction.”

“You are such an asshole.”

“I see that you are also back to using terms of endearment,” Sam laughed.

“I don’t know if they are terms of endearment as much as they are automatic responses,” Cas chuckled, tilting his head when Dean started to kiss his neck.

“Okay, tipsy Skype over. I’ll talk to you guys later.”

Dean laughed when Sam hung up and set the computer and wine on the coffee table, turning to gently push Cas against the couch, settling between his legs. Cas didn’t know how Dean’s body was reacting, he couldn’t let himself worry about it. He let Dean drop their clothes on the floor and press their bodies together, slowly rocking. They kissed passionately, Cas running his hands down Dean’s back, stopping at the natural dip and lifting his hips. Dean’s chest against his, his hips rubbing against his trembling thighs, his full lips kissing and nipping his shoulders. Cas was there already and he cried out, smiling slowly when he felt Dean’s body relax against his. He wrapped his arms around his husband and kissed him softly. “I don’t think that I even hit the three minute mark,” Cas chuckled. “And I didn’t get the chance to do that one thing.”

“The night’s not over,” Dean grinned. “I’ll clean you up with tissues and we can finish this bottle before we hit the shower.”

“I love you,” Cas said softly, lifting his head for the sweet kiss.

“I love you too, baby,” Dean murmured.

\--------------------

They went to the shore for Dean’s birthday. Again, Cas worried. Again, Cas needed to let Dean trust himself. He winced when he watched his husband struggle to navigate his way across the small stones in the cove. The chilling fog made his leg ache, but Cas stayed quiet. He stayed back, knowing that Dean needed the consistency of waiting for Cas to approach him from behind and wrap his arms around his chest. He rested his chin on Dean’s shoulder and looked out over the violent water that had become so familiar.

“It’s been over a year, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Dean said quietly, his voice barely audible over the waves. “The last time we were here was right after we finished the Singer house. That feels like a lifetime ago.”

“I remember that you said by the time we came back you wouldn’t be on Kripke’s payroll anymore.”

“I said maybe. We hit a roadblock, Cas. But, you still did it. You got us some big jobs.”

“I didn’t do it alone.”

“Opinions vary. I don’t get the contracts, I do the math and show up to the worksite. You did four iterations of plans for one building. You did most of the woodwork for a contract. You took care of me when I couldn’t do a fucking thing for myself. That accident fucked up our season, but you found a way to make it work, even if I was being a pain in the ass.”

“Dean…”

“I know that I was a pain in the ass. Yes, you took some things personally, but I understand why. We both fucked up, but we’re here. I’m alive and I’m walking. I limp, but sometimes I almost appreciate it because it reminds me of what could have happened, how lucky I am. I spent months feeling worthless because I couldn’t make love to my husband. I felt sorry for myself because you’d learned how to handle parts of the business that belonged to me. I was jealous when I met Meg because she’s a beautiful girl and she used to share a life with you. I knew that your self esteem was becoming fragmented, and I didn’t know what to do. I felt helpless and it wasn’t something that I could talk to anyone about. You were right, I started touching you out of a sense of obligation, and that probably stings a little to hear. I was trying to comfort you. I was trying to wipe away that look of insecurity in your eyes. I’ve wanted you since the first time we made love, and that has never changed. I’ve hated my body for not understanding how important that was to me. I’ve hated your sigh of resignation. It’s not just about sex, it’s about distance. You spent months feeling self conscious and I felt powerless to stop it.”

“I know you did,” Cas said quietly, pressing his lips to Dean’s neck. “You spent months feeling like you had nothing to offer, and I felt powerless to stop it.”

“I don’t know if we could have done things differently. It was circumstance and it was how we felt. We had no control over that. But that’s just part of the story. I mean, the first time you put this ring on my finger we were standing in this same spot. Now, we’re married. Those vows...that piece of paper mean a hell of a lot more to me than I expected they would. I opened up to my family and I learned how to cast my own shadow. I’ve moved on to European history,” Dean chuckled, wrapping his fingers around Cas’s arms to hold them against his chest. “You know, Sam and Meg put a lot of things in perspective. I tell you that you’re perfect, and you blush and say that you aren’t. I don’t mean that in the eyes of the world you are perfect, I mean that you are perfect for me, and I never knew that was possible.”

“Neither did I,” Cas said, letting Dean lean his body against his. “I have been insecure for the last few months. Logically, I know that it’s not me. Emotionally I feel like I should be able to offer you an escape, give you something that you can lose yourself in. I don’t know how to change that way of thinking. We have a new normal, but I feel like you deserve more. That’s how you always brought me back when I was dealing with the Novak’s, and I want to be able to do the same for you.”

“You do. God, I wish I could make you understand. I wish you could see things from my end. We both feel like we are failing the other, but it’s not true. We want something that isn’t attainable right now and it’s slowly bleeding us dry. But I know that if I see you in the shower, walking away isn’t the answer. If something we try causes me pain, you can’t shut down. I can’t reach over and touch you because I feel obligated to. I love you Cas, and that is everything to me. The other shit, it can’t break me as long as you are by my side.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Cas said softly after a long silence. “Except maybe back to the motel.”

“Frozen balls?”

“Yeah,” Cas smiled. “Frozen balls.”

Dean turned in his arms and they kissed deeply, stopping to momentarily watch the water’s wrath turning to gray foam when it lapped against the pebbles that littered the ground. Their cheeks were red from the sharp fog and their hands had grown stiff from the cold. They intertwined their fingers, and Cas subtly helped Dean back to the car.

\--------------------

They spent 10, 12, sometimes 16 hours in the guest house working. They took turns going to get fast food, waiting in the house for take out, driving to the home improvement store for more supplies. The coffee maker ran almost nonstop and most nights they showered off the sawdust and climbed into the bed in the guest house, falling asleep almost instantly, holding one another under a pile of blankets. When they’d gone hours without talking and they felt the distance, they stopped working and showered until the water turned cold. They crawled into bed to touch and kiss. When they felt like they couldn’t take any more mentally, they left the house entirely for dinner or a movie. They’d never worked so hard, so tediously, and with so much dedication.

\--------------------

Dean didn’t use his cane as often, and he didn’t hesitate to install finished pieces, or work directly at the site when necessary. Cas encouraged him, and he knew why. He was finding himself again.

\--------------------

“There’s a letter from the lawyer.”

“Let me guess, another one full of a bunch of legalese bullshit that I have to call Sam to interpret that basically says that they are still working on it?”

“I have no idea,” Cas shrugged. “I didn’t open it.” He handed it to Dean and yawned. They had agreed to take the day off, lounge on the couch in pajamas and watch movies. 

“Uh, baby?”

“Yeah?”

“They settled.”

“What?”

“They settled.”

“For how much?”

“We got six figures,” Dean looked at Cas, his eyes wide. “And not low six figures. This is not the number that I expected. How in the hell did the attorney pull this off? I mean, lost wages, lost business for Novak, medical bills, pain and suffering, it still doesn’t really add up. We can pay off the medical bills ASAP, get that out of the way. But why did they settle for this much?”

“They’re a national chain and their reputation is at stake. They probably want to keep this quiet, which I am more than happy to do.”

“It says some shit in here about Kripke getting a chunk of change too. What in the hell?”

“Do you really want to question that dollar amount, Dean? I honestly think that right now we should put that letter away and forget we ever saw the number. We need to focus on this contract. It will take months to see the money anyway.”

“The voice of reason speaks,” Dean smiled. “I guess this goes in the underwear drawer next to the rent checks that you never cashed.”

“I can’t think of a better place for it. We’re making solid progress. We keep up this pace we’ll either finish it on time or early without bringing anyone else in. Now, if we get the opportunity to put in an estimate on another contract this big, we either ask for a shit ton of money or we pass on it because this is killing me.”

“Is this when you say that being a business owner sucks?”

“Yes,” Cas scowled. “But in a month or so, I’ll probably give you a completely different answer.”

Dean pulled Cas close and pressed his lips to his temple. “Let’s just curl up on the couch and do nothing. We won’t think about the job, we won’t think about the letter. Hell, we don’t even have to think about whatever movie is playing. I’ll make dinner later, you can grab a bottle of wine, and we can sleep in our own bed with a fire going.”

“It’s not really cold enough to need a fire.”

“Maybe not, but I want the ambience,” Dean grinned, cupping Cas’s face and kissing him softly.

\--------------------

Cas smiled when he watched Dean pull pieces out of the back of the SUV and carry them inside. His limp was barely noticeable. His ‘walk through’ jeans had been destroyed, cut off of his body the day of the accident, but somehow he’d found a pair that looked even better on him when he was at the jobsite. They worked side by side, holding levels, caulking, nailing, and filling in holes with putty. Cas watched him work on tedious details without complaint, his eyes shining when he was able to restore a beautiful piece by hand that may have been lost to history. Dean studied the town of Ashland, the history of its town hall, found pictures that had been taken over the years, and was determined to recreate what it had once been. He wasn’t outside wearing a hard hat, but Dean Winchester had found his way back to doing what he loved.

\--------------------

“Hey baby.”

“Yeah?”

“These are actually the final pieces?” He shifted his eyes from his iPad to Cas and smiled. 

“According to the slave driving design specialist who keeps telling me how close we are getting, yes they are.”

“So we have maybe a week left on this project.”

“And then they’ll call in paint,” Cas muttered distractedly, running the back of his hand across his forehead. “It’s kind of nice that they are dealing with the artisans on this one.”

“Separate bid. You do realize that we’re running a week early.”

“Yep, and I couldn’t be happier. I put the no consult message back up on the website the day we took this contract and I plan to wait a couple of weeks before I take it down. We need a break.” Cas sighed and looked up from where he was on the floor hand sanding a moulding. Dean slid his chair away from the table that was littered with small tools. “Come here.”

Cas couldn’t resist Dean, not when he looked this happy. He would think back to the day when he saw empowerment and satisfaction in his husband’s eyes because he’d been able to make dinner by himself and he felt it, the change. They took more pride in this work than any other they’d done, and it may never be surpassed. Dean was doing what he loved, he’d watched his husband learn to love it and create pieces that rivaled his own. This business that had been Cas’s dream was becoming what they’d both wanted. They weren’t going to turn a profit on this contract, but it didn’t matter. Cas crossed the room and stood in front of Dean, expecting to feel the strong arms wrap around his waist. He was surprised when Dean pulled him on his lap. “Your back…”

“I need to confess. I’ve been keeping a secret,” Dean murmured, his lips pressed against Cas’s neck.

“A secret?”

“Yep,” Dean leaned his head back and ran his hands across his husband’s ass, gently squeezing. “Do you remember the day you got the call, the day that we were awarded this contract?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“I was legitimately out running errands, but I also had a doctor’s appointment. I found a specialist.”

“You went to the doctor?”

“Yeah,” Dean shrugged. “After Googling what was going on…”

“Wait,” Cas smiled. “Was Google judgmental?”

“Very. No matter what I typed in the search box it linked me to a pdf of a long and scathing lecture regarding my handling of the situation. I told my side of the story, I was linked to another pdf. We went back and forth, but I think we understand one another now.”

“You are such an asshole,” Cas chuckled. “So, you lied to me.”

“I didn’t lie to you, I withheld information. Wait, that’s your take away from this?”

“No, I’m still trying to digest that you were willing to battle it out with a multi billion dollar corporation to find information on nerve damage.”

“Well,” Dean sighed. “I did. I found a specialist and made an appointment. I didn’t tell you because I needed to know myself what was going on. They did a scan. The vertebrae are fine, the discs are fine, but there was nerve damage.”

“That’s good to know, but it’s kind of what we already knew.”

“But what we didn’t know is that it was caused by swelling and strained muscles that shifted just enough to put pressure on specific nerves. If they’d moved just a matter of millimeters in any direction, I could have lost the feeling in my legs or up my back. The good news is, it’s not permanent damage.”

“Okay,” Cas smiled slowly. “That’s something I think we were both hoping for.”

“Yes,” Dean nodded. “The better news is that this bullheaded son of a bitch has been continuing to withhold information and going in once a week for shots that hurt like hell. Same bullheaded son of a bitch patiently learned stretches…”

“Like yoga?” Cas grinned.

“Maybe, but I prefer to think of them as stretches. I don’t think a pair of yoga pants would work on me. So I’ve been stretching, getting shots, taking muscles relaxers. The doctor said if none of that seems to be helping, he will get me an EMS machine to loosen the muscles.

“And you didn’t say anything because…”

“I didn’t want to get our hopes up. I still don’t, but I need you to know that I didn’t give up.” He pressed his hand to the back of Cas’s head and kissed him deeply. “Remember our new normal?” he whispered when they pulled away.

“Yeah…”

“I think that maybe we can welcome back the old normal.” He led Cas’s hand between their bodies and slid his palm down his hard cock.

“Wait, are you…”

“Going to stay hard? I have no idea but I am hoping like hell that at some point we left lube in that bedroom.”

“We are sweaty and covered in sawdust.”

“Do you really give a shit?”

“No,” Cas grinned against his lips, kissing him deeply. He slid off of Dean’s lap and moved through the small guesthouse to the bedroom. They pulled and tugged, unzipped and pushed, until their clothes were in a pile on the floor. Cas moaned when he wrapped his hand around Dean and started to stroke. “Okay, you need to be careful because I was ready to come in my pants and I’m not about to finish this that quickly.” He fumbled in the nightstand, finally grasping an almost empty bottle and smiled at his husband, kneeling between his legs. He worked his fingers expertly, kissing Cas deeply and passionately, stretching and pulling before taking a deep breath and burying his cock. His body tensed and his breath caught. He saw the pain in Cas’s eyes, a pain that Cas welcomed. He thrust slowly, letting Cas feel every inch, finally feeling his husband’s body rock against his and a deep moan emanate from his chest. They moved seamlessly together, Cas’s hands sliding, feeling Dean’s muscles beneath his fingers. He was almost delirious, he felt tears building, and he didn’t want it to end. He stroked himself slowly, letting Dean watch while he gripped his hips and rhythmically pulled their bodies together. Beads of sweat ran down Dean’s chest as he knelt between Cas’s legs, watching his cock slide in and out, making love to his husband for the first time in nine months. Cas was tight, writhing, trembling, silently crying at the fullness, the electric pleasure that radiated inside of him. “I’m already there, baby,” Dean groaned, reaching to wrap his hand around Cas’s and stroke. It was through a haze that Cas watched Dean tilt his head back and clench his jaw. It was enough to make his own release strong. It bordered on painful when they squeezed and rubbed, the sticky fluid already dripping onto his stomach. Dean’s fingers dug into his hip, his groan was loud and guttural when he slid his body forward for a final hard thrust. His chest was heaving when their eyes met, and he had never looked sexier to Cas. Their bodies silently melded and Dean buried his face in Cas’s neck, kissing and sucking, letting the tears slide slowly from the corners of his eyes. “I have been waiting for that, I have been wanting that, I have been needing that…” he murmured, his voice thick. “I know,” Cas said quietly. Dean lifted himself onto his elbows and stared into those beautiful blue eyes, those eyes that saw the man he’d always needed to be. “I love you baby, god I love you.” He bent his head and kissed Cas tenderly. “I love you too,” Cas smiled. Dean started to pull out but Cas reached for him. “No, not until you go limp.” They kissed and touched softly, still gently rocking until Dean couldn’t take anymore and rolled on his back, reaching for Cas’s hand to pull to his lips. 

“So why today? Why now?”

“Do you mean did I know that it was going to work?”

“I guess so,” Cas chuckled. “My thoughts aren’t all that coherent at this point.”

“Then I did something right,” Dean smiled. “It’s happened before, but it hasn’t lasted. I didn’t know if you felt it and didn’t say anything…”

“Honestly, I’ve tried not to feel it. We were intimate and I was fine with it. I had to let it go and accept that this may never have happened again. That’s why I haven’t tried to make love to you, to come inside of you. I didn’t want to start a pattern. We’ve never had a way of doing things, we’ve just always done what felt good and I didn’t want that to change. I didn’t want you always rolling on your back for me. I don’t know, maybe this was a one time…”

“Oh, I’m pretty confident that it wasn’t,” Dean chuckled. “I can already feel the blood starting to flow. Apparently it has a mind of it’s own and has decided to make up for lost time.”

“Then let’s take a quick shower and climb back in bed. I can think of a few ways to make up for lost time,” Cas smiled.

“You don’t want to go into the house?”

“No. The first time we made love was in this bed.”

“Hopeless romantic,” Dean grinned, sitting up and leaning over to press their lips together. 

\--------------------

They spent hours in that bed. Cas closed his eyes and savored the feeling of his tongue swirling around Dean’s shaft, the sensitive head sliding against the roof of his mouth, his deep groan when Cas’s throat opened and swallowed the thick sticky come. Their fingers and lips didn’t stop until exhaustion set in. They were sore, their bodies, even their cocks, when they finally curled up, Cas’s head on Dean’s sweaty chest, their hearts still pounding. 

“Now, I can’t guarantee that I’m always going to be able to do all of that,” Dean smiled slowly.

“I don’t care if you can only do a small part of that. It was amazing. I would have been fine if you’d never been able to…”

“I know, baby. But I had to try to fix it. I had to admit to a doctor that there was a problem and I had to be willing to put in the work. I don’t know what it was, but I looked at the worklist, I watched you sanding, and I just knew.”

“It amazes me how much potential this business has to increase your sex drive,” Cas chuckled.

“We’re successful, we’ve done it, we’ve done more that I ever expected us to do. Four years ago I was just trying to adjust to living in a small town in New England and you were trying to to adjust to living in that house alone. Four years of labors of love, hard work, falling in love when I didn’t know I was falling in love, tears and heartbreak, beach reunions and beach arguments, trips to Boston and the shore, coming out to my family in more ways than one, books and documentaries, wine pairings that I still won’t admit to, I could keep going but I’m surprised that I’m even having lucid thoughts right now,” Dean laughed. “And then there was last April in Copley Square. That was the second time you blindsided me.”

“Well, you just blindsided me,” Cas grinned, turning his head to lock eyes. “I know you’re claiming that you did it for yourself, but thank you.”

“You won’t be thanking me when we are installing these last pieces and every muscle in your body hurts,” Dean laughed. “Now, I say that we hobble our way to the big house, take a nice long relaxing shower, and order take out. We can have the rest of this sanding finished by the end of the week and probably take care of installation over the weekend.”

“We did it,” Cas smiled with tears in his eyes. “We own a company that will be associated with the New England Historical Society. I’ve designed rooms, buildings, and they became real. People walk into their homes and look at the work that we have done. I remember how I felt the first time I walked into our house and god...have we made other people feel that way? I’m sorry, I’m just…”

“No, I know baby,” Dean said quietly, pulling Cas closer. “I think about it too. We’re not out saving the world, but if somebody walks in their house and their face looks like yours did when we finished the reno, then we’ve done something. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Cas pressed his lips to Dean’s chest just over his heart.

\--------------------

“Okay, this time I’m not going to give you shit about doing this,” Cas grinned when he got out of the car.

“Oh really?” Dean’s eyebrows raised.

“We’re in our suits, we have a not so long drive ahead of us, but we still need coffee.”

“I really hope he’s here,” Dean muttered.

“I’m not even going to admonish you for that,” Cas smiled, pulling his husband close for a kiss before he opened the door to the coffee shop.

\--------------------

They were nervous during the ribbon cutting ceremony. They were more nervous when the doors were opened. Dean found the small plaque that listed the individual names of the board of directors, the trustees, and the companies involved with the renovation. Cas didn’t know how many times he ran his finger across the words ‘Novak Architecture and Design’. They shook hands with strangers and humbly accepted the accolades. They exchanged business cards with other contractors and handed theirs to private citizens. Dean brought Cas a glass of champagne. “This feels a little over the top,” he said quietly with a smile.

“It is over the top, but to that committee it’s a big deal. They saved a piece of history. That has to feel good.”

“I can’t believe how it turned out,” Dean lifted his head and looked around the two level building, shelves already filled with books waiting to be pulled out and thumbed through. “I could spend hours in a place like this.”

“You already have,” Cas chuckled. “But I’d love to come back and walk up that curved staircase.”

“Oh, we’ll be back. I still have a lot of European history to get through,” Dean pulled Cas close and pressed his lips to his temple. They didn’t hesitate to touch in public, it wasn’t something they were conscious of anymore. They held hands, wore matching rings, and people smiled at the handsome couple. “You know that this opened a lot of doors for us. I don’t think that I’ll go back to Kripke’s unless he needs a consultant, and we might be in a position to pick and choose what jobs we take instead of waiting for the phone to ring after we’ve submitted an estimate.”

“I don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.”

“Cas, the press is here and they’ve already talked to other contractors. They will track us down and probably romanticize the hell out of the story of a married couple who did all of the detail work. We use a guest house tucked behind our Colonial Revival as a workshop and do almost everything by hand. The press eats that shit up. And it helps that we’re both devastatingly handsome.”

“And humble,” Cas laughed. “I still can’t wrap my head around it. I mean, three weeks ago I sliced my palm open with a chisel while I worked on that balustrade right there,” he pointed.

“Labor of love, baby,” Dean smiled, squeezing his husband’s hand. “I see a photographer headed our way. Time for Architect mode.”

“No, it’s time for Novak Architecture and Design business owners mode.”

\--------------------

“I wanted to come here for our anniversary.”

“We were covered in sawdust and sweat on our anniversary.”

“But I got to make love to you right after our anniversary,” Dean smiled, pulling Cas’s arms against his chest. “The last couple of times we made it out here we were freezing our balls off. Being here in the spring is almost like seeing it for the first time.”

“Does it feel like the first time?” Cas asked, resting his chin on Dean’s shoulder.

“No, not really. It’s just as beautiful and I still understand it, but I don’t see as much of myself.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Not at all,” Dean said quietly. “Sure, ‘Kansas Dean’ exists, we established that, but so much of the anger has fallen way. The water moves in a way that is primitive. I still feel that. It’s raw and powerful because nature can be merciless. There’s creation here. The outcrops were formed by millions of years of an uncontrollable onslaught. At one point, this cove didn’t even exist. This was created without rhyme or reason. Things make sense to me here because nothing around us is artificial. It just is. So I can just be,” Dean sighed and dropped his head, mindlessly pushing at small rocks with the toe of his boot. “I could have died, Cas,” he said quietly. “I could have left you alone to try to find your way around this world without me. I’ve never seen you more beautiful than you were when I opened my eyes that day. I knew that at that moment, you didn’t care if I ever walked on my own again. I still existed and that was enough for you. I can’t imagine how that felt.”

“There’s no way to explain how it felt. But it was enough, it still is, it always will be.”

“I know,” Dean closed his eyes when Cas’s arms tightened and he felt his soft lips against his neck. “Do you remember the first time we came here?”

“Yeah,” Cas smiled. “I remember pulling over at the top of that hill. You got out of the car and just stared at the water until you saw this cove. You were determined to get down here because you knew that it was ‘your place’. I was just humoring you until we walked across these rocks. But, I felt it. You were right.”

“We haven’t seen the ocean from the overlook since that day. I barely remember what it looks like. I know that this somehow calls to me, but maybe I need to see it from a difference perspective.”

“The water? Or life in general?” 

“Both. The accident definitely pushed me to stop and look at life in general.”

“So now you want to walk up that hill…”

“And change my perspective? Maybe, I need to see things from all sides, not just one.”

“We left your cane in the car. Is your leg…”

“I’ll be fine.” Dean intertwined their fingers against his chest and took one last look at the violent spray of water when it hit the sharp rocks, the shades of deep blue and gray, the crashing resonance that echoed around them. He turned around and carefully picked his way across the pebbles and stones. He slowly led Cas up the small hill and stopped when he could see the Atlantic below them. It wasn’t calm, but it wasn’t primal. The gray gave way to a dark blue the further it got from the shore. White foam curled against the rounded stones as the low waves came in. Cas wrapped his arms around him from behind and rested his chin on his shoulder again. “The settlement came in a few days ago. I paid off your loans and I bought you this,” Dean reached into his pocket and handed Cas a key. “I probably should have waited for you, but I knew what you’d want, or close to it. I know we’d talked about something sporty and classic. It was impossible to find a sporty Cape Cod cottage. But, I think I did okay when it came to classic.”

“Wait...how...I mean we’ve spent almost every minute of every day together.”

“Kripke,” Dean laughed. “I saw the dollar amount on the letter, I got an idea stuck in my head, and I started looking at listings. I took out a loan against the settlement and I talked him into coming up here and doing walk throughs and inspections for me. He took still shots, video, drew up floorplans until I found the perfect one. The structure is sound, it needs a little cosmetic work, but I know a couple of guys,” Dean grinned. 

“Kripke did all of that…”

“Okay, I kind of hired him to. And then I called Jess.”

“So it’s…”

“Furnished. And I honestly have never been inside so I have no idea what it looks like. I’ve had to put a lot of faith in people,” Dean smiled.

“Dean, I…”

“It’s okay baby, coherent sentences aren’t your strong point right now,” Dean grinned, pulling Cas close. “I don’t want the money to change us. It’s there as an idea that we have something to fall back on. We’ll get you a sporty and classic car. We might get better rooms when we go to Boston. Maybe make it down to D.C. and check out some historic sites, but this is about as extravagant as I want to get. This place, the shore, it’s always belonged to us. Now a piece of it truly belongs to us. We have a beautiful home, a messy workshop, and an oceanside escape. So, you have the key and I’m kind of interested to see what the inside looks like.” He followed Cas up the walkway and few porch steps. He watched him turn the deadbolt and open the door. Dean remembered the look on Cas’s face, the look of awe as they walked through his house after the renovation. Dean knew that his face mirrored that as they walked through the small cottage. It was more than he had expected. Jess filled it with comfortable furniture, new kitchen appliances, a wine refrigerator, and a large bed. There was no fireplace in the bedroom, Dean had a freestanding one installed. They walked through multiple times, shaking their heads when they saw that Jess had gone so far as to pick out towels and bedding, pots and pans, dishes and silverware. They stopped and looked at the pictures that had been hung on the wall, the frames hand made by Dean. A photo that Jess had taken of them the first time they went to Boston, their wedding, the Winchesters at Christmas, and the picture of Cas and Hester. It was complete and ready to be lived in. 

“It’s your turn,” Cas smiled, stopping in front of the french doors. Dean opened them and walked out onto the small deck, leaning his body against the wood railing. He tried to take it all in. A different view of the ocean that he loved, the steep staircase that led down to a small strip of rocky shoreline, the fog that rolled in waves just a few feet below him. He could see the outcrop that protected one side of the cove from where he was standing. Cas’s arms wrapped around him, and Dean relaxed against the comfort of his husband’s chin resting on his shoulder. “It’s beautiful,” Cas whispered.

“It’s ours.”

\--------------------

Prologue:

They reluctantly went back to town. Checking out of the motel was unexpectedly poignant and sentimental. Dean would never reach for his wallet to pay for a room, Cas would never pull their bags out of the backseat and wait to carry them into the small room. It was reminiscent of saying goodbye to an old friend. They bought what they could at the small market, including bottles of wine and precut bundles of firewood. They talked about building stands and cabinets for a record player and speakers, a space to hold the collection of vinyl that they would be duplicating rather than bringing any from home. They talked about building bookshelves, deciding where they would fit in the small space. Dean made dinner and they spent as much time looking around, memorizing the cottage that now belonged to them, as they did looking at one another while they ate and drank wine. They stood on the deck and watched the moon’s reflection on the ocean water, holding one another and kissing deeply. 

Cas lit a fire in the fireplace and their bodies came together in a haze of velvet hands and hot mouths. They writhed and arched, flowing seamlessly. The room was filled with soft cries and gentle moans while they made love, intoxicated by the heady scent of musk and raw sex. They were trembling, their chests heaving, covered in a fine sheen of sweat when Dean finally went limp and rolled on his back.

“Sorry it wasn’t a car,” Dean grinned languidly, pulling Cas close.

“I’ll find it in my heart to forgive you someday.”

“That’s good,” Dean murmured, pressing his lips to his husband’s temple. “I love you baby, with everything that I have and everything that I am.”

“I love you too, Dean.”

**Author's Note:**

> I really enjoyed writing a story with these two characters. I always try to tie up loose ends and finish my work with happily ever after endings. This Cas and this Dean were so easy to characterize I would like to continue to tell their story. Please leave me a comment and let me know if you would be interested in finding out what happens next. Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed the boys (and their flip sides).


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